Pinkshell4u

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Check it out. 13 pounds. I've probably lost these same 13 about 10 times in the past 3 years. Then it would either stop or slow wayyyy down. I'd get discouraged and eventually quit. My son weighs close to 92 pounds and he's 13. I cant even fathom removing that much volume from me. How small will that make me? Will I look sickly and drawn? Will I be able to function in a body that small? Will my family look at me like "Who are you?", conplaining that I'm no longer recognizable as myself? Huh. I think about these things. 

I bought a small travel bag for the hospital, you know the ones they sell in the makeup aisle.  Its see thru and just big enough for all of my junk. I refuse to pack a bag, that may be an pre-cog omen of having to stay longer than 3 days (superstitious much?) and I know its stupid but its how my brain works. I'll have the clothes on my back and that little bag, if I need anything else (which I dont think I will) then Joe can buy it for me and bring it in. Remember, this is my seventh abdominal surgery.......nuff said.  I've decided to stay up the night before surgery until about 4 am.  My surgery isnt until 10 ish so I'll sleep until they roll me in, or thats the plan.  I'll post new weight and measurements on Sunday.

Went to the dentist today. That should say it all right there. I *HATE* the dentist.  I had to go though, one of my crowns cracked and was hurting like a bitch.  It actually cracked like 3 months ago but my dentist is like a hotel at Disney, booked months ahead of schedule. I didnt have a surgery date when I made this appointment but I figured What Are The Odds? of my surgery and dentist being even remotely close to each oth......yeah, you get it.  So I make sure and ask him "Hey, this temporary thing you're stickin in me wont dislodge when they intubate me will it?"  He cocks his head to the side and raises an eyebrow (i think he plucks), mouthing in a very seductive whisper "No way honey."  My dentist isnt a pimp but he may have been one in a past life. It took almost 2 hours in the chair to remove the bad crown and get the temp one in. Exhausting! I have little bruise marks on lips and one corner of my mouth looks like a stroke victim, i shit you not.  Brutal. Hate that guy.

Lets see, what have I eaten today? Hmmmm.  A Vanilla Atkins shake, followed by the occasional gag as I tried to make my body accept it as food.  Lunch was another delightful Atkins Vanilla ( i shed a few tears knowing I had to drink another one).  And I just finished dinner, 4 oz of Roast Beef and about 5 stalks of brocolli.  ooooooo-weeee, I'm stuffed.  Oh and you know what?  My old man goes "Your breath is foul." I'm like "What?" He says my breath always smells but now its like 400 times worse!  Nice huh.  I look it up online and decide it must be ketosis, my body is burning fat quickly or something....I dont remember what the whole thing said.  I'm irritated and my damn gums hurt.

Today is officially Day 7 of The Diet Created By Satan.  My stomach is still having a problem with the shakes.  Breakfast was fine but lunch sat like a big ball of hot mucus. I ate 1/2 of an Atkins bar just to have a different taste, even though it tasted like chocolate covered ass crack. Ew.  Tonight I had chicken and brussel sprouts and its 9pm and I'm starving.  

Talked to my Mom earlier and she's very upset that she's not going to be here for the surgery.  I mean, I am too but she just cant afford it.  I'm going to make sure I take lots of pictures so she can see whats going on. 

Its only 8 days away. 8 days. Wow.

So, I run into a friend of mine the other day (she had RNY 2 years ago) and we're just chatting on the fly about how nervous and excited I am and she says "You have up until they put you under to back out you know." Puzzled, I ask her" Why would I want to do that?"  I mean, I'm nervous but thats normal. She said it more than once in the conversation and each time she would eyeball me and kinda raise an eyebrow.  I swear, after about 10 minutes of this, I thought I was on Candid Camera!  Weird behavior from someone who has been successful.

Anyhow, slept like crap last night, my stomach was rollin.  I blame it on the remnants of the Smooth Move. Learned my lesson, all of my liquids get Benefiber now.  

Sitting here looking at the calendar I realize that June was my buffer.  And now, its gone.  I'm imagining that tomorrow the days will just magically melt away, faster than I can keep track of. I know its nerves and anxiety that will disappear once they get the IV in me but still....... the anticipation of that moment is killing me. 

Oh-me-oh-my-oh.  Yesterday was a poopy day.  Not literally, since I havent had one since my runs stopped. Hehe, TMI.  Anyways, I found some Atkins shakes that dont taste like ass, Stawberry Cream.  They arent overtly uber-sweet, which was what was making me gag.  I drank one yesterday for breakfast and lunch and survived with no ill effects.  Last night my belly didnt want veggies (it speaks to me that way) so I doubled my meat.  I dont know if this is a faux-pas and really, I dont care.  I ate 8 oz of chicken breast and felt......GOOD.  No nausea, no pukiness....and I stayed full longer.  In my book, thats a success.  Later in the evening I had a Carb-smart Low-Sugar Yogurt (4oz) and that did it for the night.  I'm starting to dislike Crystal Light, I think I have a box of every possible flavor.  They all are staring to taste like Crystal Chemical, if you know what I mean.  A weird non-organic sweet that kinda sticks to your teeth. Ugh. Oh, and I'm chewing so much gum now that my jaw muscles are starting to protrude out like a bulldog ( i know i know, sexy as hell huh.) I have an oral fixation, what can I say.  Better than smoking or chewing my nails.

8:30 pm

Wow, I've had quite a day since my earlier post.  
I drank my breakfast and felt ok for about an hour.  Then my belly started bloating and I cramped and cramped. OW! Sat on the throne for what seemed an hour with no results. Started feeling sick to my stomach and got nervous. What the hell? So I break out the Smooth Move tea.  I figure, ok I'm constipated and just need a nudge then I'll be back to normal. (Sounds like good reasoning yeah?) I drink the tea (which says Drink before bedtime) but I figure its 9 am, by 5 pm I'll be seeing results which is a good time cause I'll be home.  I suffer all day, more cramping. Around 4 pm I start to get nervous again, maybe I have a blackage or something. I'm about to take some MoM when within seconds my body says, LAST STOP! EVERYBODY OUT! I barely make it to the bathroom. Wow. That sucked. Im just now starting to feel normal again. I will be adding fiber to all of my water from now on, I do not want to go through that again ever. I blame it on that friggin Slimfast crap. I ate some turkey with a tiny bit of mayo and a big plate of cauliflower.  I'm hoping my intestines will calm down by morning. Fingers crossed!

Today was a better day.  No runs.  A tad more energy.  I didnt bite anyones head off. (Yay for me!!!)  Okay, now its time for the bitchin.

Drank CIB with Soymilk this AM.  Wasnt too bad, only gagged once.  Drank Crystal Light.  Didnt get hungry until about 12. Oh yeah and I'm chewing like a pack of gum a day too.  Get home and decide to drink a Boost.  Remember how I said I hated Slimfast? Uh, add Boost to that catagory too.  Gag, gag, swallow, gag, gag, swallow...ad nauseum.  Soooooooo......I get it down and it sits like a giant ball of pus.  We're riding in the car and I swear I'm breaking out in a cold sweat, panting and very close to revisiting that shitty Boost again. I manage to sweat through it and get in some exercise.  Gah!  Okay, so we're out and I have nothing to eat.  We get the kids Wendy's but they dont have anything for me.  I run into a nearby supermarket (Ukrops) and guess what they have?  Yay! Grilled veggies and chicken.  I was saved and it tasted better than anything I've ever eaten in my whole entire life.  Solid food.  I never thought it would taste so damn good.  My belly stayed full until about 8pm.  Ate SF popsicles and drank more water.  Now its 10 and I'm off to sleep. Hopefully tomorrow will be easier.  OH, And the BEST news of all???!!!!  I'm DOWN 6 pounds. No shit. HA!

I did alright last night.  Nights are hard for me, thats when my demon hunger takes over.  I watched Big Med. and drank my water, not really noticing the noise my stomach was making.  Decided that it would behoove me to turn in early so as not to temp fate (or my appetite).  Went to bed at 10......I think thats the earliest in about 5 years.  Slept badly but stayed in bed.  My stomach repeatedly woke me up.  
This morning I tried to sleep late (7:30) and delayed my "breakfast".  The longer I can hold out, the longer I'll NOT be hungry towards lunchtime.  Make sense? Uh, maybe not. Anyway, I drink my Sludgefast.  I'll be at my daughters school for lunch so I take one with me too.  After dropping her at her last destination for the day I drink my lunch, 1 pm.  I'm feeling queasy.  Really sickly.  I drink more water.  Ugh.  I go to the library and get on my laptop, figuring I'll blow some time away from the house.  Suddenly my lower intestines go insane and I have an "critical event".  I know something is going to happen but I'm not sure what. I pack up and rush home.  I pull up to the house doing 40 and throw it in park, vaulting into the house (past my puzzled husband) and just barely making it to the bathroom.  Where I have been for the last 2 hours.  I dont think my plumbing is liking the liquid diet.  As the DH chuckled it up, I reminded him that I still cooked all the meals.  Payback is a bitch.

Okay, its 7:30 pm and my runs have subsided, thank goodness.  I ate 4 oz of shaved chicken breast and a whole bag of steamed brocolli.  Well, almost a full bag.....I was gagging at the end.  And I love brocolli.  It filled my stomach but I still feel...weird...kinda hollow and my head sorta aches.  I complained alittle tonight and the DH looked at me with that "You better not complain" look.  Grrrrrr.  I'm not really complaining, I'm just venting some......frustrations fer chrissake.  I know in the smart side of my brain that it will get better as the days go by but the stupid side of my brain just whines and sucks its thumb, wondering where the damn cheesburgers are!  

Its only day 2 and I wanna weigh myself, isnt that insane? HA!  Like in two days I would lose 10 pounds. Uh huh.  I'm so retarded some times.
 

Today I had my last pre-op appointment.  Had a physical with the nurse.  Got my GBS "Bible".  Had 5 vials of blood drawn venously and one vial arterial (ouchies). Had an EKG and a chest X-ray.  Pre-registered with the hospital. And now all I have to do is meet with the surgeon 4 days prior to my date.  I also found out that I DONT have to have the epidural. Horrahh!  Yay!  

Started the liquid diet this morning and can officially say "I HATE Slimfast." Its like pseudo-chocolate grit.  I get to have a tiny bit of food tonight, I'm looking forward to it.

No, Mommy doesnt want to displace all the water honey.  
We swam at home today.  We were supposed to go to this huge PUBLIC pool today.  I ended up talking my kids out of it by offering to buy them stuff.  Ugh, I know, I suck.  I just really didnt want to parade my Titanic @ss in front of millions of people in a swimsuit.  I mean, can you blame me?  If it was just us, it would be a different story, I love to swim.  But I swear that every woman at this particular pool is not over a size 6 (except me) and they all look at me like I'm diseased and unclean. I want to scream "I have OCD fer chrissake!  I take at least two showers a day! I'm cleaner than you or your stinkin kids!!!!"  I cant wait till this isnt an issue anymore.  I want to be another of the regular people, blend in with everyone else (at least at the pool) . Is that so much to ask? HUH?

We fought this morning.  I hate fighting because I'm always the bad guy.  I never win, if there is even such a thing as winning.  Right after he's done yelling, he shakes his head and gets in his truck and leaves.  Which is fine with me. My old man is the kind that needs time to think about the whole thing and see for himself that he's overreacted most of the time.  Very rarely do I yell back these days, it just isnt worth losing my voice.  So off he goes and off I go.  Sitting in the cafeteria of the school (waiting for my daughters music class to finish) I ruminate...no....no...I STEW.  I'm very good at that, internally having the same conversation over and over.  Hmmmm.  I hate that I allowed him to talk to me that way.  I hate that he works and I dont, giving him some kind of weird power over my whole existance. HATE IT.  He doesnt hold it over me, he knows that going to school is more important for me right now.....but I know sometimes he WANTS to say it.  In his anger and frustration, he wants to blame me for everything financially.  I hate to say it, but I'm used to this.  I can usually just shrug it off, because I am the holder of the moneybag and I pay the bills.  I'm paying off debt and managing to feed/clothe/generally maintain a family of 4.  Anyway, once we both got home he sat at the computer and I was doing chores.  I strayed to close to him and, without looking up, he says "hey".  I say "what."  He does this everytime.  We go round and round every time about the same issues.  I try to explain to him that we're both on the same side and I'm not his enemy, blah blah blah.  We kinda makeup and go our seperate ways.  Hmmm. Makes me wanna go out and get a job right now.  I'm sick of feeling like I dont have something of my own. Well, I'll just have to deal with it another 2 years.

I had McDonalds after that. Talk about a classic "killin the internal turmoil with food"! Classic.  I wasnt even hungry and I knew exactly what I was doing.  Funny thing is I justified it by telling myself that I wouldnt ever be able to eat McDonalds again after Monday, so why not.  It wouldnt hurt me to have it just one more time.  Stupid brain.  And you know I never do this, I'm not an emotional eater at all.  In fact I get sick to my stomach when I'm emotional. Weird. I'll be glad when Monday is here, I think it will be very easy for me.