Pinkshell4u
The Last Supper.
Jun 20, 2007
Jesus wasnt at the table with us but his name was definately brought up a few times. "Jesus I ate too much!" "Jesus! That is some tasty butter-soaked shrimp!" "Jesus,look at the bill!" I didnt eat like there was no tomorrow, it was more of a letting go. We ate, we laughed, we paid too much. Once we were home I felt terrible. I hadnt been eating dairy or salt or really very much fat in the past few months. Now my body was trying to assimilate all of this repulsive stuff and I feel like shit. I'm so thirsty that I've already chugged 3 bottles of water. The old man has a huge headache and I blame it all on "The Last Supper". It tasted good but wasnt worth it.
Okay, so now we get right down to it. Monday I start the liquids for 2 weeks. Gawd. Thats a long time. I have a pre-op on Monday as well. Bloodwork and stuff. I'm not sweating it.
Okay, so now we get right down to it. Monday I start the liquids for 2 weeks. Gawd. Thats a long time. I have a pre-op on Monday as well. Bloodwork and stuff. I'm not sweating it.
Nother blurb
Jun 19, 2007
I've been thinking that it may be a good idea to compile the last 7 years worth of blogs into some kind of book. I mean, cmon, I've already written one book....and that one was from scratch. How hard can it be to lump all of that info together into something resembling a manuscript? Huh? Well, other than there being probably a thousand pages of material. I havent read most of the material since I wrote it but I imagine there will be alot of redundant stuff. Anyway, just a thought.
Blurb.
Jun 18, 2007
Met with someone from OH yesterday. (waves at Amber) We went to Panera and talked for like 4 hours. It was nice to be with someone who understands what youre going through.
I'm not sleeping well. Last night was murder. Tossing and turning, hot and cold, arms and legs going to sleep. I usually sleep pretty deep and sound once I go to bed at about 12. I'm finding that its harder to get to that spot or that I have to stay up later to get the same effect. I was actually going to try and train myself to go to bed earlier. I'm sure it would do me good but I dont know that I can do it without drugs. Anyway, the kids are up so its time to go!
Happy Fathers Day!!! .....uh......where's Dad?
Jun 17, 2007
Good question. Dad is at work until 7 pm. It sucks but we need the overtime, hehe. Dont blow a fuse, he gets Monday thru Wednesday off this week. In my opinion, he gets way too much time off anyway. I mean all he does is wander around the house and bitch, it can really get on a girls nerves after awhile.
I dont act my age. I dont think I ever have. I think mentally I'm still stuck in my 20's. I love go-carts and video games. I wear shirts with ignorant sayings on them. I love concerts, the louder the better. I dont feel old (my knees disagree). I think thats the reason I dont make friends easily. I've tried to since we moved here. I dunno what it is but the women around here just veer away from me. I dont smell, my zippers up, I know I'm speaking english. Hmmmm. Women my age dont generally have the same interests as I do. Uh....scrapbooking? Soap operas? Cross-stitch? Sitting on the porch, watching the traffic go by? Those are great hobbies!.....for my mother! This is not meant to offend anyone, please dont PM me about how scrapbooking saved your life. Please. I have an odd and sometimes inappropriate sense of humor. You know, I think everyone should be MO in their childhood, it really builds character. I was always referred to as "the one with a great personality" or "the funny one". Well, I had to be didnt I? If I wasnt funny or personable I would have just been "the fat one". Yikes. Imagine if everyone was forced to develop personality and humor before they became skinny. Well, I dunno but I think it would be cool anyway. Dont listen to me, I dont know what the hell I'm talking about.
I'm supposed to be cleaning the carpet right now. I dont wanna do it. The dog peed in this one spot and Joe went and got the carpet cleaner out of the shed. You should clean that. He said, pointing at the spot. I dont wanna. I said with a sad face. I cant work that damn thing, I always put in too much soap. He growls at me. So dont put in too much this time. And turns away. Hmmmm. I dont wanna do it. I moved the furniture but I think I'm gonna leave it for now. Maybe I'll get inspired in an hour or two. I clean everyday, this is just one extra dumb thing and I dont wanna do it.
I'm still worried about the central line and the epidural. I know I have to get the central line and I'll be in sleepy-town but I think waking up with it in my neck will make me vomit. I just plain dont want the epidural and will try my damnedest to talk him out of it. I dont need that much pain control, seriously. I need to walk more. Anyway, the surgery invades my every waking moment. I cant believe its only 22 days away, suddenly that seems very close.
I dont act my age. I dont think I ever have. I think mentally I'm still stuck in my 20's. I love go-carts and video games. I wear shirts with ignorant sayings on them. I love concerts, the louder the better. I dont feel old (my knees disagree). I think thats the reason I dont make friends easily. I've tried to since we moved here. I dunno what it is but the women around here just veer away from me. I dont smell, my zippers up, I know I'm speaking english. Hmmmm. Women my age dont generally have the same interests as I do. Uh....scrapbooking? Soap operas? Cross-stitch? Sitting on the porch, watching the traffic go by? Those are great hobbies!.....for my mother! This is not meant to offend anyone, please dont PM me about how scrapbooking saved your life. Please. I have an odd and sometimes inappropriate sense of humor. You know, I think everyone should be MO in their childhood, it really builds character. I was always referred to as "the one with a great personality" or "the funny one". Well, I had to be didnt I? If I wasnt funny or personable I would have just been "the fat one". Yikes. Imagine if everyone was forced to develop personality and humor before they became skinny. Well, I dunno but I think it would be cool anyway. Dont listen to me, I dont know what the hell I'm talking about.
I'm supposed to be cleaning the carpet right now. I dont wanna do it. The dog peed in this one spot and Joe went and got the carpet cleaner out of the shed. You should clean that. He said, pointing at the spot. I dont wanna. I said with a sad face. I cant work that damn thing, I always put in too much soap. He growls at me. So dont put in too much this time. And turns away. Hmmmm. I dont wanna do it. I moved the furniture but I think I'm gonna leave it for now. Maybe I'll get inspired in an hour or two. I clean everyday, this is just one extra dumb thing and I dont wanna do it.
I'm still worried about the central line and the epidural. I know I have to get the central line and I'll be in sleepy-town but I think waking up with it in my neck will make me vomit. I just plain dont want the epidural and will try my damnedest to talk him out of it. I dont need that much pain control, seriously. I need to walk more. Anyway, the surgery invades my every waking moment. I cant believe its only 22 days away, suddenly that seems very close.
Wow, here come the painful memories......
Jun 16, 2007
It all comes down to me blaming my mother. She's tiny, always has been. She can eat anything and not gain a pound. From about age 9 I can remember being "different", everyone was always "concerned" about my weight. I was an active kid. They took me to doctors who pulled blood and checked vitals. Nothing wrong with her thyroid/blood sugars/pituitary, etc. And still I was fat. Hmmm. It sat inside me like a big dirty stone. I'm fat. Even my step-siblings would remind me daily. My step-siblings were all tall, thin and blonde. I dont need to explain that math do I? Maybe she didnt outright say "you're fat and that's wrong" but my mother would definately point out that I had such "a pretty face" and other such monikers of "you could be better". I'm not bitter. After thinking about it at great length I realize she didnt know how all of that would effect me later. She had never been fat and couldnt relate. She did the best she could and other than this (and one other) neurosis I felt loved and wanted most of the time. She screwed me up just like I'm screwing up my own spawn. HA!
I'm rather normal though. That is until this last year or so. I've suddenly become much more aware of my fat. It's come on fairly quickly and has made me an unpleasant person. I feel ugly. I've had body dysmorphism but not the way you think. I've always envisioned myself as smaller than I really am. Clothes sizes never changed it either, I always had the self-confidence to feel good looking and sexy. Until I reached 24. I guess that was my magic number in sizes. I have stopped buying clothes, it horrifies me. I hate being seen in what I'm forced to wear. Its not just clothes either. I wont sleep with my husband. I dont even attempt to go anywhere. I hide. I'm full of anger and lose my temper all the time. It's all my fault, this whole situation. Caused by me. I'm resolved to fix it. I'm a happy person with so much to live for. I just need to unwrap that person out of this fat suit. I'm ready.
I'm rather normal though. That is until this last year or so. I've suddenly become much more aware of my fat. It's come on fairly quickly and has made me an unpleasant person. I feel ugly. I've had body dysmorphism but not the way you think. I've always envisioned myself as smaller than I really am. Clothes sizes never changed it either, I always had the self-confidence to feel good looking and sexy. Until I reached 24. I guess that was my magic number in sizes. I have stopped buying clothes, it horrifies me. I hate being seen in what I'm forced to wear. Its not just clothes either. I wont sleep with my husband. I dont even attempt to go anywhere. I hide. I'm full of anger and lose my temper all the time. It's all my fault, this whole situation. Caused by me. I'm resolved to fix it. I'm a happy person with so much to live for. I just need to unwrap that person out of this fat suit. I'm ready.
Time flying.
Jun 15, 2007
24 days until the knife. 9 days left to eat as I please. Funny thing is, I don't eat badly. I havent had anything fattening, sugary or greasy in longer than I can remember. Maybe the smart side of my brain realizes that over-indulging now will only hinder me later. The dumb side has been very quiet lately. I fear day 9. I fear being that restricted. Two shakes and a small meal? Will I be able to do that? My head gets dizzy, my chest hurts and a crushing headache follows. I'm worried. I asked advice on how others got through it. Sleeping. HA! Most of them would sleep through the worst part of the day. Uh. I dont think I can do that. Who knows though, I may be so weak that sleeping will be easier.
My informational meeting? Dry as a popcorn fart.
Jun 14, 2007
I had my "informational meeting" last night at St. Mary's. Which by the way is very hard to find, I could swear they move that damn place on a daily basis. I get lost EVERY time! Anyway, I get there early (OCD) and decide to scope out the auditorium we will be in. I buy a little snack in the cafeteria and find a chair near the auditorium, snuggling down to read my book and wait. Fat people start showing up ( I'm fat so I can say that, dont flame me) and at about 3:50 there is a bunch of them, all confused about where they are supposed to be. I brought my paper with me with the time and room # on it so I am not confused. Someone with a nametag finally shows up at about 4:20. We go in the room and sit until 4:30. Nametag comes back in, Sorry we have to move to another room. We move. 1st woman speaker talks all about COMPLICATIONS. I know them all and get very bored. At the end she explains how the day of surgery will go. I find out that I will be put in twilight sleep for the central line. Yay. I also find out that my doc gives all of his patients an epidural after the surgery for pain. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeek! NO! I ask her if this is optional. She doesnt know and tells me to talk to my doc about it. I dont need an epidural, I assure you and I definately dont want that in my system after all of that aenthesia. Crap. I'm hoping I can talk my way out of it.
A new woman comes in to talk about nutrition. There isnt much she says that I dont already know. Except one thing, one BIG thing. Two weeks before surgery I will be on a Liver Shrinking Diet. Two meals will be liquid shakes, one will be 2 ounces of lean protein and 1 cup of specific veggies (theres a list). Like 600 calories per day! The she says, Oh yeah and you should be active too. Active??? I'll be lucky if I can stay awake.
I got lost coming home and didnt end up getting in until 8:30. I met a few other women there who had dates in July. I have my next appointment on the 25th, it should be more exciting.
A new woman comes in to talk about nutrition. There isnt much she says that I dont already know. Except one thing, one BIG thing. Two weeks before surgery I will be on a Liver Shrinking Diet. Two meals will be liquid shakes, one will be 2 ounces of lean protein and 1 cup of specific veggies (theres a list). Like 600 calories per day! The she says, Oh yeah and you should be active too. Active??? I'll be lucky if I can stay awake.
I got lost coming home and didnt end up getting in until 8:30. I met a few other women there who had dates in July. I have my next appointment on the 25th, it should be more exciting.
Tuesday is Yadseut backwards.
Jun 12, 2007
My left ankle swells. Well, both of my ankles swell but the left seems to be getting worse than the right. Makes sense, the left one had trauma when I was young, therefore its not quite wired properly. My circulation has always been bad in my legs, its a genetic gift from my Dads side of the family (thanks Dad!). Recently walking makes the swelling worse in both my feet and hands. I'm hoping that this gets better after surgery (which is creeping up very quickly).
I went up in the attic this morning because I had to make sure I wasnt going mad. After my last bout (6 months ago) of dieting I lost 13 pounds. wow huh? a whole 13? Amazing. And once again I fell back into eating more because I figured, what the hell, if I'm gonna be fat I might as well eat., right? The mentality of the yo-yo dieter works that way, for those of you who dont know. We spend the next few months berating ourselves and usually slip into depression, blah blah blah. Anyway, driving home from Walmart I kept thinking that during that last dieting period I had become so depressed that I had thrown out all of the clothes I couldnt get my ass into. I was SURE of it. I remember bagging them up ( 3 huge black garbage bags) and throwing them by the back door. I told my husband to take them to the dump when he went later that week. Never gave them any more thought until today. I was reading the boards and realized that once I got below a size 20, I would have NOTHING to wear, not even a t-shirt. All my clothes ( all 3 pairs of capris and 4 shirts) are 22 and 3X. Hmmmm. So I go up in the attic, just out of curiosity, to see if maybe I overlooked some clothes, you know, stuffed in with other old stuff I had packed away. I really dont want to have to go to Goodwill to buy any clothes, made me sick to think about spending money like that. Over to the side I see a pile of black garbage bags. Huh. Ohhhh, I put our X-mas lights in bags last year and some of the old decor stuff from the other house was in black bags. Nothing was marked. So I start untying bags. The first bag I opened was full of clothes. He didnt take them to the dump, he hauled them up here because he knew at some point I would need them. I sat down and cried, blowing my nose on the size 12 jeans in my hands.
I went up in the attic this morning because I had to make sure I wasnt going mad. After my last bout (6 months ago) of dieting I lost 13 pounds. wow huh? a whole 13? Amazing. And once again I fell back into eating more because I figured, what the hell, if I'm gonna be fat I might as well eat., right? The mentality of the yo-yo dieter works that way, for those of you who dont know. We spend the next few months berating ourselves and usually slip into depression, blah blah blah. Anyway, driving home from Walmart I kept thinking that during that last dieting period I had become so depressed that I had thrown out all of the clothes I couldnt get my ass into. I was SURE of it. I remember bagging them up ( 3 huge black garbage bags) and throwing them by the back door. I told my husband to take them to the dump when he went later that week. Never gave them any more thought until today. I was reading the boards and realized that once I got below a size 20, I would have NOTHING to wear, not even a t-shirt. All my clothes ( all 3 pairs of capris and 4 shirts) are 22 and 3X. Hmmmm. So I go up in the attic, just out of curiosity, to see if maybe I overlooked some clothes, you know, stuffed in with other old stuff I had packed away. I really dont want to have to go to Goodwill to buy any clothes, made me sick to think about spending money like that. Over to the side I see a pile of black garbage bags. Huh. Ohhhh, I put our X-mas lights in bags last year and some of the old decor stuff from the other house was in black bags. Nothing was marked. So I start untying bags. The first bag I opened was full of clothes. He didnt take them to the dump, he hauled them up here because he knew at some point I would need them. I sat down and cried, blowing my nose on the size 12 jeans in my hands.
Monday is just another day
Jun 11, 2007
I've been watching that series Big Medicine on TLC. I can't really say I'm impressed by it. I know they have to focus on either incredibly huge people or success stories of fat women finally getting into a size 0 for ratings. I dont think it covers the real issues that most people would like to know about a surgery like this. Lets have one whole show of complications or show the patient at home for the first week of recovery. Throwing up, dumping and hair loss might be good topics to cover. Lets have a show about cross addiction (and fire that dumbass psych they have now, pleeeez). If I was to watch the show without knowing anything about the surgery I would think "Huh, thats a quick fix. Those people are lazy as hell." Which we all know is not true. The operation is the tool, its your responsibility to use it properly.
Sunday
Jun 10, 2007
Called my Mom today to make sure her move had gone well. She was frantic of course because everything wouldnt be perfect in 2 days. ( OCD is a factor here folks!) Anyway I try to calm her down, tell her to rest up, she starts a new job tomorrow, blah blah blah. She wont of course but I'm obliged to say the words. She's also slowly coming around to the fact that I NEED this surgery. Physically I'm only going to get worse and that fact is finally sinking in. I mean she's not jumping for joy or anything but at least she'll ask questions now. I wish she was going to be here for it but financially she just cant bear that trip. I want her to settle into her new job/house and start paying off some of her bills. Thats more important. I assure her that Joe will be here for me and my Dad will be here 8 days after I have the surgery so I'll be fine. This is not my first abdominal surgery and I know the drill. Walking from the moment they tell me I can and then more walking. And of course drinking water like there's no tomorrow. I've made up my "I'm dead" package which includes letters to everyone and instructions for my DH. I'm afraid he's quite lost without me so I made a timeline of what he should be doing and when to do it. I'm sure it will never get opened but I like to be prepared for everything. I'll clean and restock the house a few days before surgery. My daughter will be on laundry duty. Two days before I will stock the fridge. The night before, I'll change the sheets and pack my little bag. Then its all over but the crying, right? I'm expecting to stay 5 days but it will probably be less.
Anyway, my back is killing me today. I think I need more Motrin.
Anyway, my back is killing me today. I think I need more Motrin.
About Me
Location
24.3
BMI
Surgery
07/09/2007
Surgery Date
May 24, 2007
Member Since
