Cynthia T.

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

Ok, we have liftoff. My date is scheduled for Next Thursday, Aug 10th. I have felt everything. One thing I have not felt is the need to binge. I was trying hard to think of a food that I would "miss" and there is not one. Really. Maybe I will kick myself for not going out with a bang, but I just dont miss anything. I feel like I am not moving into a life of deprivation or extreme living. Yeah, only being able to eat 2 oz is extreme. But I think eating a whole cake and 2 boxes of mac and cheeze is extreme too, and nobody said much about that. I am sure I will miss more as this becomes more real. But not today. Today, I am (at this particular second--as it is likely to change) quite happy and....relieved. Like a horrible pain I felt is about to be lessened. Not totally removed, and it wont be comfortable, but lessened. Man, that is extraordinary.

There is the daily prep of getting ready. I need to do about 421 things. Deal with work, child care, prep my house, car, dogs, clothes, yard all for my absence. I am starting on liquids tomorrow. I have already apologized to a bunch of people for whatever damage I could inflict . They are taking it in stride. I bought my soup and jello. Good to go.

There is no real preparing for this. You can get the material ready, but how does one prep for a life altering change? Its like my road is going from gravel to pave, and although I know it will be better there is no way to explain the change. I feel like I am pregnant. Except instead of having a baby, I get to be reborn.

Ok well Dolly the kinda scary lady from Dr. Snyder's office called. I had to do a sleep monitor test thing, so I got that done, and I need more complete blood work, got that done. So now it is wait. I just want to get on with it already. I am past feeling totally sick of being fat. Its all I see now.

I did do the freak out thing, after I got back from Denver, but then I remembered I did that when I was pregnant too. I realized that my life track was about to do a dramtic change, and I did not have to do the change flawlessly. I so love my friends because they tell me that I can be crappy around them while I adjust. That is SUCH a relief. I need to have that same conversation with dad and Jean though.


I bought and eliptical machine. I feel stupid on it so far, but I am managing 6 minutes w/o my knee hurting. I also fixed my bike but it is not all that awesome either. The peddle crank is kinda crooked. I realized that I don't really like solo excersize, but I think I need a combo of both solo and team sports to be healthy. I am hoping the excersize fairy sprinkles dust on my head.

We are officially underway. Actually I was underway when I got the loan. But the medical stuff has a started. I went to denver for the pre op stuff. I am done. I can schedule surgery at any point now.

Heres how the pre-op stuff went. First of all I did not have to go alone. I think I am tough, but I really liked that dad went to Denver with me on this stuff. He was taking Jean to the airport for her trip to Flordia, so we all (Oliia included) went as a team. It was nice trip.

My first appointment was with the pulminary (lung) dr. I was scheduled for 10:30. I had chest xrays and did not see him till 11. Which was a problem because my next appointment was with Dr. Snyder at 11. I was not terribly impressed with the lung guy. I felt like he was disapointed that I was not in crappier shape. I do get a sleep apania testing machine delivered to my house so I can see if I have that. I dont think so. (I slept in the same room with dad and I am pretty sure I know what sleep apnea sounds like though).

Each appointment was a 20 minute walk apart. Ugh. So I got to Dr. S, all sweaty and had to wait. I finished my book (bad news, now I had nothing to read the rest of the trip) The lung guy said I had to do a lab test too so he scheduled that at one. I was still at dr. Snyders waiting room at one. So we rescheduled that to 3. (More bad news my dad and Olivia were going to be waiting for me at 2:30 at the other end of the hospital.

i got to see Dr. Snyder. It was nice. Up till that I was having that same feeling that I did when I registered for college, where you walk alot, stand in line, say and sign your name, and repeat for a day. When I got in his office I breathed for the first time all day. I was impressed. I felt like he "got" me. It was the same feeling I got when I went to Overeaters anon. where I heard stuff that resonated. We talked about the surgery. I saw the device, the port thing was way smaller than I tought it would be. We talked books, the poked my tummy and that was that.

At 2 was the psych consult. I felt like "been there done that" I dont usually feel smarter than dr.s but I did this one. She was not dumb, but I felt like she was surprised that I was not. I felt like when I talked to her she was expecting me to be far more of a broken soul. That was encouraging. I finished that at 3:15, so i was late for lung labs. Mind you I have not eaten or went to the bathroom so I was getting a cranky. But I knew that Dad and O were on the 20 minute walk on the other side of the hospital so I best just knock these labs out and be late. Walk walk walk.

So I breathed into a machine, took a walk with a thing on my hand and a lady walking with me, and that was that. I met up with the family at 4. They had been waiting since 2:30.

I made em drag me to Wendys then the hotel and I was happier. They went to the zoo when it was 598 degrees out,, they were happier to be done too.

Then next day at 10 I went to class. I was surprised how many folks were in the class. It was not hard to find, follow the very large people. I was drowned in stats, and facts and stuff. I was most impressed with how Dr. Snyder interacted with his kids that were there. Showed alot of character. I also got that this was not just something he does for the buck. I got that he not only understands fat people, but cares about em. I also freaked myself out reading all the instructions in the book. My perfection thing kicked in and I freaked me out. I am sure now this morning that I will make mistakes.

I enjoyed the trip. I am really getting that I am going to need some help both physically and emotionally. But I think the most helpful thing I can do is prepare myself spiritually. I cant do this HUGE life change without God. I really can't. I am getting how big this is now. I am a bit scared but I think today I am just going to keep turning it over to God each time I freak myself out.

Got the loan check sitting on my kitchen table right now. Weird... i have this crazy feeling to take the money and og to mexico and party. Unfortunately I would have to drag my fat butt to Mexico with me, so I am staying. I just never held a check for 14 grand before. I just go over and look at the check every so often. I know it is not mine, but still. I will deposit it tomorrow and then go and look at my balance online for a week or so too for the....huh...man wow effect.

There is a big ole thing to tell or not to tell about this. I was thinking about it, and I have obviously evolved a bit. I told about 3 people about my upcoming surgery in under 30 minutes last night. Until I made the decision to do it, I kept it pretty close to the vest. (very small circle of those the love me ALOT) After I got the loan and the pre-op appointments I figured what the heck, why not? For a couple of reasons.

1) They are not going to change my mind about the surgery, its importance to me or how I feel about it. Even if someone comes up with some rude comment disguised as "concern", baby, it cant outweigh the 22ish years of suffering that led me to get WLS.

2) When I start losing wt, it is not about them. Most people (me included) are not talking about you when they upset about wt. When my aunt had lapband done 2 years ago, I was faithfully attending Overeaters Anon for YEARS weekly, not losing a thing. I was so mad at the fact that Auntie went and did this and dropped 100 pounds that I cried and ate myself to the PAIN for a month. I did not say negative things to her. I am glad. She has been my WLS mentor now. It was not about her.

I got my pre-op stuff scheduled. I will be driving to Sterling to my auntie's house July 13th and then going to denver on the 14th for tests and then back to denver on the 15th for classes then home. I am more settled about telling people because I secured the loan and made the whole thing real. What I dont want is for everyone to be watching me eat going "can you have that?" But I have learned long ago (and am still learning) that I can not worry about what folks say.

So the circle of those who know about the sugery is widing, because I am excited and cant seem to shut up about it. I am starting to work on my pro-op diet. Walking more (10000 steps a day) water more protien, cut out the white food, six small meals a day and no drinking with my meals. This will be my life now I better get used to it. Man that sentence makes me happy. I am happy that that is going to be my life now. That I wil be eating protien, walking drinkin water....the whole thing. Today I dont feel deprived. It think its because I can have the other life (eating crap 24/7) but I have been in that life and I dont like it anymore. Sure I like the cheesecake, but I dont like the cheesecake life anymore. I see new stuff for me, how exciting is that??

On the Grand Junction dr. thing that turned out to be a bust. There is no one in town that does this and the Dr. that is going to start wont do my fills here in town because he did not perform the surgery (that he cant perform because the hospitals wont let him). Stupid. If I got my apendix removed in denver I am pretty sure that dr.s here could do the follow up. Its just an elective surgery crap rule. There are alot of em. Like I am paying 13 grand for this because it helps pay for other things in the hospital. Elective surgery covers expenses for non elective surgeries that people cant pay for. Sucks but is true. Or it pays for the Dr.s really really nice car.

I did not want to get the loan. The reason I did not want to do it was because of what other people would think (my close friends and my family), not because I did not think I would be able to pay it back. I knew I would stick by it and pay it back and that "God can make up the difference" I plan on working down my debt, not being irresponsible. So I applied at lending tree.

I was thinking about my process to get to deciding that this was for me. Once I started researching the band my thinking about myself changed. I got on this site and heard my story over and over and over about being misrable fat. I did not realize how restricted my life had become. I had just got used to living without living over the years But here was the catch that finally got me to change: the stories had happy endings. My story was still stuck in the crappy chapters, and then I started seeing HOW crappy every day, more and more. I got this seed of hope planted in the back of my brain that sounded like this. "These people are just like you. FAT, they "get" fat. But now they are not. You could change your story ending. I watched the process. From each fill to each "how do you.." quesiton I watched people grow new lives. I watched the evolution from my story to happy ending. Then, one day, I broke a lawn chair. I have had WAY more humulating fat moments than that. But here was the thing, I would have in my denial stage just laughed it off, now though, I got mad. I did not want to break lawn chairs in public anymore, and I met people who are just like me, but not breaking lawn chairs. I applied for the loan. I got it yesterday. Thank you guys for letting me read your stories because now I am changing my ending.

I called everyone I knew. Some were mad that I got the loan, some were exited that I had begun the journey. Mostly it was the thin folks that were mad and the fat folks were excited. I am terribly excited. I am past happy. I am still in shock that this is going to happen. I am proud that I went out and "got er done" and made things happen for me on this. I really am focused when I wanna be, and on this, I was dead on focused. I am going to hold on to that subborness for later. Once I get a date I am going on mostly liquids. (eating breakfast only) I am going not live like this anymore. I am so excited to feel like I am changing my story.

I'm at my pastors house, after a bible study. We go out on the porch to sit down. A group of about 10. I crack the lawn chair to smithereens. They were new. Pieces of the plastic handle actually hit someone. (caused a welt) I was the only one sitting down. I had to be helped outta the chair cuz my ass was stuck. Everyone pretended it did not happen. (except for the welted person who was very kind about it)

I am a freakin cow. God I am just disgusted with myself. I am so dreadfully tired of this.

I have had it. I am tired of being so very sad and embarrassed. I am 35 and I cant sit in a damn lawn chair.

I am going to hawk my life to get this surgery. I know it is not the magic bullet. I know I get outta it what I put into it.

I don't care if I have to pay till I am 90. Tonight I am so embarrassed and humulated I would perform the lapband on myself in my shed with a bit o hose and staple gun if I could.

I am sick of being humulated God I just hate my physical self right now. I filled out the loan application and will send it in. I dont care. I really dont. I dont even care if I loose my house. I am that desperate. I dont think I will lose my house. I just was tentivie about using my house as collateral and now, not a big deal. I will sign off any posession right now to get this.

I am so tired. I am bone weary of this struggle. It has been so many years. So many diets. So much disappointment. I just dont have another do-over in me. I don't. I am so very very sad. I dont think I am alone. I know I am not, this site proves that. I am just so sad.

I got this off a message board and it helps me because it is right and most stuff that initially makes me mad when I hear it, are right, and something I need.

The band is not a miracle. It does not magically make calories
disappear from food. It is a tool you need to work WITH not AGAINST. If you work against it, you'll fail. End of story.

Let's clear up a few misconceptions about the band.

The band is not malabsorptive like the gastric bypass. The GB works by allowing the patient to eat less, and more to the point, to absorb LESS calories from the food they eat. The band ONLY restricts the QUANTITY of food, not the QUALITY. If you continue to eat high- calorie crap, you'll lose nothing… period. What this means is that you DO need to change your eating habits. You need to eat healthier food, and less garbage. Some folks will lose some weight with the band because of the smaller quantities without changing their eating habits, but that loss will slow or stall, and WILL NOT BE SUSTAINABLE unless they learn new habits. Face it folks, what we eat is what got us fat in the first place. If you don't wanna change that, then you can stay fat, and don't complain that you aren't losing.

Yes, you can have occasional treats. I am not saying that you have to live a deprived life with no treats ever again, but keep them
occasional, and keep them small. Dessert every day is NOT OCCASIONAL.

Once a week, maybe. Start looking at your favorite foods and look for ways to make them healthier. Maybe use less fat, or healthier fats, leaner cuts of meat, more veggies etc. Try to treat yourself with healthier foods as well, fruit instead of pie, baked pretzels instead of fried chips, try those rice cakes you see in the store. When you do have a treat… have ONE SERVING. Look at the label… if it says that 9 rice cakes are 1 serving… count them out and only have 9, not the whole bag! Use the sugar-free versions of things, the lower fat versions, and the lower carb versions… eat more fresh foods, and less from packages. Yes, I know that fresh food is more work… too bad. You wanna get healthy? Then do it right. Kraft in the box might go down fine, but is it the right thing to do? Make the effort to cook healthier. It takes more time, but aren't you worth it?

RNY and Gastric Bypass patients need to diet too. If you think that
they lose faster, you are right. In essence from malabsorbtion, they
technically starve to lose initial weight, and lose a lot… more
quickly than we do. SO WHAT?!?!? The human body is an amazing thing. It is smart, and learns to compensate. If the GB/RNY patient does not learn new, healthy eating habits, then they WILL GAIN THE WEIGHT BACK. In the long run, we have the advantage, as we do not lose at ALL without new habits. We have to learn from the get-go, and in the end… our system willl adjust with us as we lose… not giving our smart body a chance to get used to the new "arrangement" and compensating for it. RNY/GB might look like a miracle, but it isn't either. You still are the one in control, but the complications for it are much worse. I'm not dissing it, it is the right choice for some, but for those who which to switch, simply because they have not been doing the band with TRUE lifestyle changes… well… they are fooling themselves. Wisen up, and realize YOU need to change to make any bariatric surgery a long-term success.

Head hunger, and stress eating are real. They are some of the things that got us here. If it happens to you… GET HELP. Don't just stand there and say… duh, I don't know how to stop. Get on a program (I recommend Overeaters Anonmyous), see a therapist, join a bandster support group. Don't just cry about it…,
DO SOMETHING. If you know emotional eating is an issue, then you have an EMOTIONAL PROBLEM, best dealt withby a therapist. Some may not need it, but if these issues plague you, then get the help! That leads me to the next one…

Yes, you DO NEED TO EXERCISE. If you think you don't, then you areb eing foolish. Exercise does not mean a formal program at a gym with a personal trainer (although that is a GREAT IDEA). It means getting out there and moving… biking, skating, swimming etc. Move… move…move!!! A sedentary life is another of the things that got us here.

If you think sustained weight loss will happen without it, then you
are again fooling yourself. Don't forget, that other than a healthier
life, the number 2 reason we got this done was to look better. Folks, diet alone will not give you a better bod, exercise and diet will.

This is not a liquid diet. Yes you will have periods of being on
liquids, before and after surgery, and right after fills, but this is
not meant to be liquids for life. The band works by allowing a small
amount of food to stay in the pouch for a while, keeping hunger away.

If all you have are protein shakes… well frankly, they pass right
thru, and give NO sustained satiety. You'll be hungry. Period. If all
you can get down are liquids, then you are TOO TIGHT. It will NOT
HELP YOUR WEIGHT LOSS TO BE TOO TIGHT! In fact, the opposite is true.

If you cannot eat solid foods you will likely gain, because LIQUID
CALORIES ARE MORE DENSE. You have GOT TO eat solid food.
Low carb does not mean NO carb. Should you restrict carbs… yep. We eat too many. This does not mean eat only protein. You cannot survive on only protein, you need veggies and carbs too… just less of the carbs than you have been having. For one, try using healthier carbs… want a potato? Eat a small baked red-skin new potato, with some butter spray on it… instead of fries. Try Dreamfields low-carb pasta for Sunday spaghetti dinners, try brown rice instead of Minute Rice.

Avoid the carbs in packaged foods… Mac and cheese, rice a roni etc. If you want mac and cheese, make it from scratch with lower fat cheese and Dreamfields or whole wheat pasta. Use wholegrain bread, not Wonderbread. And… eat carbs last. Eat the protein first, then veggies, then if you have room finish your carbs. Lastly… eliminate the sugar… get it out period

Fast food is bad. End of story. Stay away from it… all of it.

Is a pre-op liquid diet important? You bet your boots it is. No, I
know not all doctor's ask for it… but that doesn't change the fact
that they should be asking for it. First off, it shrinks the liver,
making it easier for the surgeon to perform the procedure. Second, it begins the weight loss process. Third, it speeds up recovery by having the body have less solid waste in the digestive tract, it will work less, and not stress the points where the band is attached.

Is the post-op diet… liquids… mushies then solids important? See
above. This is for healing. Yes you can eat solid food sooner, and I
know that this varies from doctor to doctor, but that doesn't mean it
should. The stomach needs time to heal, and even though you CAN eat solids earlier doesn't mean you should. Heal properly first. As most docs will say, any weight loss during this phase is a bonus. This is not the time for loss but healing. May folks WILL gain when going to mushies. Expect it. If you don't, you are one of the lucky few… not the norm. Most folsk do not see real weight loss for MONTHS. This is how it is, deal with it.

You WILL NOT LOSE ALL YOUR WEIGHT IN A COUPLE MONTHS. Especially those of you with under 75 lbs to lose. Less to lose, the slower it will be… that's it folks. If you got the band with 60-75 lbs to lose, do NOT expect to lose as much a month as someone who has 200lbs to lose. Won't happen. If the doc told you it did, he lied. Most successful band patients lose 75% of their excess weight in the FIRST 2 YEARS… yep… years, not months. Deal with it… you are not gonna lose it by summer for swimsuit season. This is not intended to be SPEEDY weight loss… if you don't get that, see #3 above.

It's OK to go to a foreign country to bet my band because it is more
affordable to me… Hmmm this one is debatable, and I will keep my
opinion of foreign docs out of it. First off, when it comes to
surgery for my body, I don't want the lowest bidder, even though I
was also self pay… but let's put that aside. I see too many folks
going to places like Mexico for this procedure because they say the
doc is a brilliant surgeon… this is only 10% about the actual surgery
folks! It is the pre and aftercare provided that makes it work. If
you do NOT have an aftercare doc set up locally BEFORE you go to
Mexico for the surgery… then you are making a HUGE MISTAKE. I am getting tired of seeing folks say…" I just got my band last weekend, anyone know of any docs I can see for fills around here?" Geez?!@?!? What are you thinking? Didn't you have this all set up beforehand?

How could you have such a procedure done to your body… a procedure that requires constant attention (and it is not just for fills
folks!) and not be prepared before you do it? If this is your plan,
then I am confused on what you are doing. Aftercare with the band is not just fills, and you need access to a band doc locally for any problems. Sure you can get the procedure done in Mexico, but have preparations for aftercare BEFORE they cut you open.
Look at the whole program. This is NOT just a surgical option. I've
said it before and I'll say it again, the surgery is only 1 hour
long… the rest of my life will be losing and maintaining my healthier
body. Nutritionists, exercise physiologists, psychologists,
dieticians, support groups, a good fill doc… these are ALL necessary to lose and maintain our health. If you only deal with some of them…you'll fail. When you scout out docs to do this procedure, see how they deal with ALL of these factors…not just are they a good cutter.

Then, after the surgery, follow through with all of these.

If you don't know… ASK! The doctor, not the web group. Sure, it's
great to get support and ideas here, but I am amazed how many people are on here soliciting medical advice… ASK YOUR DOC! If he won't give you a straight answer… then he's not a good doc, and you need to seek out a better one. I mean COME ON!?!?! Now that we have that straightened out… let's say your doc tells you to do something… like stay on liquids for 2 weeks… DO IT. If he is a good doc, then there is a reason to do what he says. This is NOT about you making your OWN… UNEDUCATED judgment calls… he's the pro here… do what he says. If you don't understand why… then we go back to… ASK.

It is HARD WORK. Anything worthwhile is. If you thought it was gonna be easy, then you were either liedto, or deluding yourself.

I will Work hard… get healthy… have a good life. We are ALL worth the time, effort and yes money, to be better healthier people.

A time comes in your life when you finally get it...

When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process, a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are... and that's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop bitching and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean, or mean what they say, and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the crap you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh, what you should wear and where you should shop, what you should drive how and where you should live, what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing, and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with, and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a by gone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life. You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry, and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love.

How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change so it is with love . . . and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms . . . just to make you happy. And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely . . . And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up."

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK....and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want...and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. And, you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his touch . . . and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect. You learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn, that for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve . . .and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help.

You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time. FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and that to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment
must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you to make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever to settle for less than your heart's desire. And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility. Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

Not really excited about waiting. I have days when I am, I am all about "do this right, don't rush." Just none of those days were this weekend. I realized something since I started this journey. I realized how fat I really am. My whole mentality seems to have shifted. I used to be ok with my size. Yeah, I knew I was big but now I feel FAT. I am not confident in my body anymore and all I can see is how physically off the mark I am. I can't do much, I get tired alot, I hurt alot more. I am embarrassed alot more.

I walked 8 blocks to a house dediction for my best friends Habitat for Humanity house They are a family of 6 kids that really needed it. I was happy with the walk and to be there for their day.

There was this lady going around passing out Habitat tee shirts. I was standing in a group of people, big wigs (cute guy that works for the Congressmen) and the family as well. I met this lady before, I guess, and she says quite loudly when she gets to me " I am sorry Carolyne --not my name-- but these shirts only got to extra large and they will be too small for you." I just smiled (I was too embarrassed to do otherwise) and said, "Please just give me one for my daughter then." People just pretended not to hear her.

I am so tired of these moments. I really have alot of em. Too many. I am tired of being seen as the girl with the nice face. I am mortified now by how limited I am. I think before I just accepted that fat was my life. I came here and learned that there is a permanate tool to help me lose wt, and I am feeling more depressed than ever that I cant get it (yet).

I am going to go through my shed/house and see what I can sell off to put into savings. The thought of having to wait another 5 years or so to get enough to pay for this hurts. Physically hurts. Because how many more moments like the one above do I need stapled to my psyche? I am pretty sad today. I just feel like I have been shown a way out and told by my pocketbook, "Yeah, but later, like 5 years." I either need to come back to the point of accepting my body how it is today, or hawk up my life to get this done. I really dont think that the state I am in of growning abhorance of my physical self is healthy or right. I am missing out, and now I see how very much. It makes me so sad.