Cynthia T.

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Not really excited about waiting.  I have days when I am, I am all about "do this right, don't rush." Just none of those days were this weekend.  I realized something since I started this journey.  I realized how fat I really am.  My whole mentality seems to have shifted. I used to be ok with my size.  Yeah, I knew I was big but now I feel FAT.  I am not confident in my body anymore and all I can see is how physically off the mark I am. I can't do much, I get tired alot, I hurt alot more.  I am embarrassed alot more. 

I walked 8 blocks to a house dediction for my best friends Habitat for Humanity house They are a family of 6 kids that really needed it. I was happy with the walk and to be there for their day.

There was this lady going around passing out Habitat tee shirts. I was standing in a group of people, big wigs (cute guy that works for the Congressmen) and the family as well. I met this lady before, I guess, and she says quite loudly when she gets to me " I am sorry Carolyne --not my name-- but these shirts only got to extra large and they will be too small for you." I just smiled (I was too embarrassed to do otherwise) and said, "Please just give me one for my daughter then." People just pretended not to hear her.

I am so tired of these moments. I really have alot of em.  Too many.    I am tired of being seen as the girl with the nice face. I am mortified now by how limited I am.  I think before I just accepted that fat was my life.  I came here and learned that there is a permanate tool to help me lose wt, and I am feeling more depressed than ever that I cant get it (yet).

  I am going to go through my shed/house and see what I can sell off to put into savings. The thought of having to wait another 5 years or so to get enough to pay for this hurts.  Physically hurts.  Because how many more moments like the one above do I need stapled to my psyche?  I am pretty sad today.  I just feel like I have been shown a way out and told by my pocketbook, "Yeah, but later, like 5 years."   I either need to come back to the point of accepting my body how it is today, or hawk up my life to get this done.  I really dont think that the state I am in of growning abhorance of my physical self is healthy or right.  I am missing out, and now I see how very much. It makes me so sad.

I watched a webcast of the surgery.  Weird, but informative.  I could not help but sit there and go, "holy cow I am watching surgery, that a lady's stomach, ewww."  But there was also alot of interest in the hows, and the questions.  It took one hour.  That is it.  I know more about this surgery than most people.  I have tons of knowledge, ask me anything, band size incisions, food, adjustments, aftercare, requirements, name it.  I did not even research my college this much. 

What I don't know is how I am going to pay for it.  I got this mini-med insurance for me and I dont know that it is going to help much for what it costs  I am also praying that there is a dr. in town that told my Dr. "in a few weeks" they will be doing the band here in town.  Maybe if I get in on the start of this I can get a discount so as to drum up some business for him.  I also have the connection with Dr. Snyder to start possibly in June, but i so dont have the money. He does a whirlwind deal with the cardiac test, psych consult, the siminar all in the same time if you are from outta town. I could do it as early as June 28th.  I need to talk to their money lady. 

I am willing to wait tonight, but ask me tomorrow.  LOL.  Probably a different answer.    I do feel like this is more and more the right decision for me, I do need to be patient.  It will come about.  Its a lifetime change, I can save more than a grand to do it.  Donations accepted.  Really, you would change my life. 

5-8-06
I thought I might apply for insurance.  I posted some inquiries online and people have been calling me all day. Ugh, never post online for insurance qoutes!!  We need it anyway, aside from the surgery, so I figure I have nothing to lose.  I am self pay anyway, and if the policy says no, I don't get it. (I know I have to be accepted) Tomorrow my PCP is going to call me with the Dr who does WLS in Junction.  I am going to recommend I be his PR "whore" for lapband.  That I go whereever he needs me to talk him up after the surgery.   If he is new in town, maybe he will give me a discount?  Or maybe he will be insulted.  Never know. I probably wont use the word "whore" in the conversation.

I wanted to type out the reasons why I am looking into this:

I want to wear a skimpy swimming suit just once
I want to roller blade
I want to go horseback riding
I want to be able to fit comfortably in an airplane seat
I don’t want to worry if I’ll fit in the rides at an amusement park
I want to hike without worrying if I’m going to have a heart attack
I want to buy my clothes at a store, and only out of a catalog if I want to, not because I have to
I don’t want people staring at me in disgust (and yes, people have)
I don’t want people looking away from me for fear of staring at me in disgust
I want to run
I don’t want to hear “Ya know, I’ve got this great diet that helped me lose a few pounds…”
I want to wrestle with my kid without wheezing
I want to play outside with my daughter and not get winded after a few minutes, or need a nap
I want to ride a bike for more than a mile
I don’t want painful knees, ankles, hips, or back anymore
I want a smaller chest
I want to be able to better listen to my body and know what it’s telling me
I don’t want to worry if I’ll fit in someone’s car
I don’t want to have to use the handicap restroom stall because most regular ones are too small
I want to be able to wear pretty, sexy, and cute lingerie(from victoria secret)
I want to miscalculate my size when squeezing between people in a crowd, and have PLENTY of room instead of smashing people
I don’t want to hear “You have such a pretty face.”
I want to be able to sit up straight
I don’t want to have to worry if a small chair or swing will hold me
I don’t want to get high blood pressure, diabetes, or die of a heart attack
I want to take dancing lessons
I want to teach my daughter better eating habits and how to live an active lifestyle
I want to face any issues instead of hiding behind layers of fat
I don’t want people to think I must be stupid, lazy, or a slob just because I’m fat
I want to feel pretty and girly
I don’t want to have to prove that I’m very intelligent
I want all seatbelts to fit me
I don’t want to be stared at if I go into a restaurant
I don’t want to feel like people are saying “She’s eating a salad? It obviously isn’t doing any good.”
I don’t want to hear “You should just walk a little…”
I want to walk up stairs without feeling like my heart will explode
I don’t ever want to hear my daughter say, “My mom is fat.” Or “I wish I had a skinny mom.”
I want to be able to do aerobics
I want to be able to not worry about fat personal hygene problems
I don’t want to eat my feelings away, but learn how to deal with them as they are
I don’t want to try another ‘fad’ diet
I want to weigh less than a man
I want to be able to wear high-heeled shoes
I would love for some guy to carry me piggy back just once
I want to dance in public without feeling like a cow
I want to look at my friends and wish I was them based on their character, not their size
I don't want to feel like the fat old lady at the mall
I want to wear clothes that are age appropriate
I want to celebrate with my family at events w/o worrying about what they think of my body
I want to be able to sleep most nights in my bed w/o my back hurting and having to sleep in a chair
I want to outlast my dogs and my 5 year old in play
I want to have energy after/at work
I don't want to have to worry about breathing too loud in public (wheezing for no reason)
I want to attract healthy people into my life (guys would be good)
I don't want people setting me up with the "great personality" guys because they are fat too.( may not actually have a great personality)
I want to do Yoga like Rodney Yee(or even one of his backup yoga people)
I want to climb/hiking the mountains for a full week or so.
I want to do a marathon.(run or walk) with my brother Cliff
I want to learn to rock climb (eek)
I want to shop at REI for a mummy sleeping bag, and stuff that would fit my lifestyle as a healthy person.

Just a few things....

I had a PCP appointement today. I am self pay, so I just wanted to get her on board, cuz I trust her. I was nervous. I knew more about the surgery than she did. She started to launch into the "have you tried......." and I whipped out my page of stuff I have tried to lose wt. She was shocked. Its a typed front and back thing. Then she gave me a 20 minute talk on how Americans are societially barraged with the messages to eat. That I need to have the "ah ha" moment that I need to eat to live (like in other countries) not live to eat (Like america) When she was done, I said, "So dr. What do I DO now? I can't jump rope with my daughter? " I would have done--at that moment--anything.  I felt like such a open booked loser.  Like I had told her everything and I wanted her to spit out the answer. Nada answer. Nothing. She did not know. She said "I wish there was some pill I could give you that could make this better but there isn't "  So the basiclly the weight epidemic as a whole bothered her, and she was furstrated with the WHOLE situation, but not sure what I, Cynthia could do about my situation.  She said she "would not abandon me on this".
 
She did say that the surgeon I chose was a good one--she knew him and had e-mail conversations with him--and that she thought that the whole cost was a total price gouge that I could do nothing about. (universally speaking) So overall I got ....a lovely lecture on global eating disorders,  and an accurate wt. for myself which is *ahem* 248 pounds.  Less than I thought, yet still delightfully morbidly obese.
 
I also heard from here there might be a guy in town that can do the fills (although I did not get his name)  Maybe he could even do the sugery cheaper.  I left some of Olivia paperwork there by mistake, I will get his name then.
 
I only have to save $11, 500 left. (donations accepted.)

This was the day I am certain I am getting lap band.  I decided against Mexico when I found a self pay Dr. in Denver that can do it for me.  I am working on financing.  I just wanted to write why I am doing this.  I feel like writing it here is kinda stupid, for you all know why to do this, so this is more of a reminder to me of where my mind ws before I started all this.  I realized that I gave up much of my life events to being "too big to do that" and I did not want to give up my parenting events to the same thing.  I have had to face critics all my life about how I look and the same people seem to be lining up to tell me this is a mistake.  I think that the only mistake is letting people speak into your life who don't love ya or you dont respect.  I have selected a very few to know about this.  I have actually started to have some hope that my life will be full of stuff other than stress and "being tired".  I do alot now, I cant imagine what I can do thinner and healthier.  This is not extreme.  Being 250 pounds is extreme.  We are smart people, if we could have done this another way we would have.  My brain is trying to kill my body, and I need my body to fight back.  I am incredibly hopeful.  I will do whatever it takes so I can teach my child how to jump rope.

I am interested in the lap band.  My auntie had it and lost 130 pounds.  I, like you, have tried everything.  I am concerned about cost.  I have a small business and so I have no insurance.  I am a "fall through the cracks gal" on that.  I have investagated the Mexico approach, and I really would rather go local. (My family freaked out.)  I am a single mommy of a 5 year old.  I would also like any info on post op care, because I am just trying to figure out how to run a business, a 5 year old and a new tummy.  I also have about 1000 questions on what your average day would look like, and if any of you tried OA (I did it for 4 years).  So really I am a basket of questions.  This is important enough to me to be up at 4:33am (not having slept) reading this whole website.