Cynthia T.
Life stuff.
Nov 15, 2006
Well, good morning, you look good. I am doing fairly well. I have not excersised at all. Actually, as predicted, I am having a hard time following the bandster rules. I am not working out, drinking enough or eating protien first. I write that so I will knock it off and snap outta it. One thing I have learned (or am working on anyway) is that my outside circumstances shift so much, I cant blaim inner problems on that at all. Its not the fault that work is crazy due to the upcoming sale, that one dog is in heat and the other wounded, that my house is ....ugh, and my dating life does not particularly exist---that I make bad choices. Because I can make bad choices if things were all rosey too. I need to just submit to God that i cant do my life without Him today, turn it over, and begin from there.
I got a bit panicky about my wt the other day, thinking, well I lost 40, that will probably be it. But I have been at 220 for .....well....decades, and I feel like I am mentally blocked about getting past it. I just cant wrap my brain around 190. I am pretty sure that is why I am not doing my rules well. I am scared I guess. I dont know what I am scared of, but I will go to the message boards and they might help me work it out.
I got a bit panicky about my wt the other day, thinking, well I lost 40, that will probably be it. But I have been at 220 for .....well....decades, and I feel like I am mentally blocked about getting past it. I just cant wrap my brain around 190. I am pretty sure that is why I am not doing my rules well. I am scared I guess. I dont know what I am scared of, but I will go to the message boards and they might help me work it out.
-40 in 3 months baby.
Nov 06, 2006
First I cant believe its been three months. Man. I feel great. I am finally obese, not severly not morbidly obese, not oh my GOD, ----just obese.
I am now at "that wt" that kinda scares me.I have not been below 220 consistantly forever. Every pound down from here is new to me, for I have bounced these prior 40 around like a rubber ball forever. But every pound now will FEEL like a scale victory. I have also lost about 26 inches.
I love my body. I love how it responds to all this change. I love how I am looking, and how strong I am feeling.
I also love you people. My friends, family, online family.....You have supported me and surprised me all the time. I have never felt alone in this process. You have been there to answer all my questions, share my victories and let me vent. Thank you. I am one blessed woman this morning.
Ok enough of that mushy crap, lets go to work now.
I am now at "that wt" that kinda scares me.I have not been below 220 consistantly forever. Every pound down from here is new to me, for I have bounced these prior 40 around like a rubber ball forever. But every pound now will FEEL like a scale victory. I have also lost about 26 inches.
I love my body. I love how it responds to all this change. I love how I am looking, and how strong I am feeling.
I also love you people. My friends, family, online family.....You have supported me and surprised me all the time. I have never felt alone in this process. You have been there to answer all my questions, share my victories and let me vent. Thank you. I am one blessed woman this morning.
Ok enough of that mushy crap, lets go to work now.
My thoughts on Oprah
Nov 06, 2006
I posted this on the message board, liked it, so now its here....
Sorry this is long---but it struck a big cord.....
I dont have a tv, so I rent movies and watch on my laptop every once and a while. Last night I was watching disk 5 of Oprah's 20th anniversary show.
I did not faithfully watch Oprah when I did have a tv. I am not a died in the wool fan. I just think as a cultrual icon, I should listen to her points every once and a while to see what the fuss is about.
There was a section there on wt. It rather encapsulated her whole philosophy on wt/wt loss in about 45 minutes. Here is what I got from it.
**She gets that wt. loss is a journey, and even though she spent years fat she said she would not give anything for her journey now. I think that over time her thoughts grew and developed alot on the subject, as do all of ours.
**She thinks that that key to wt. loss is self love.
**Obviously, she does not think surgery is the answer, there was one person on the tape that lost 300 pounds through gastric bypass, and it was still listed as "an extreme way to go, and I would not recommend it" by the person who had it. (even though it CLEARLY gave this woman her life back.
To me, Oprah has not forgotten what it is like to be fat, she seems to have gotten over it. Weight seems to be just a non issue in her life now. I live for the day when I am not defined by what I put in my mouth or how much I move around in a day.
I think alot of Oprah is smarmy self love stuff, but I think on this case, we agree. We just don't agree on the method.
I did not post this before, but I had a pretty enlightening experience right after my surgery. I would call it Divine. I was in the recovery room, rather alert. I felt the most intense love for my body I had ever felt, EVER. I was just in awe of my body. It was true acceptance. I felt like what I had just done, getting the band, was the most LOVING thing I have ever done for myself. EVER. I mist up now just thinking about that moment.
I think for Oprah, she had her "make the connection, ah-ha, mumbo jumbo moment.' Through diet and excersize. She came around to loving herself. Really loving herself. So maybe what happens, is when she talks about it, her way is the best way. She comes off rather....snotty and self rightous about it, which is kinda how I sound when I talk about my method of surgery sometimes.
For me her way was not the best way. I wish it was, it could have saved me thousands of dollars. But the moment I came to love myself (as much as I love everyone else) actually came after I had surgery. Not even the choice to have surgery was enough. My head was so thick that I had to have my gut cut to get that I am worth effort for my body, for my life. I would have never ever accepted that fact by going for a jog and eating fish. Now that I do have that feeling though, going for a jog and eating fish make sense.
As for not being able to do your job at the size you are, I think I would be lying if I did not say I do it BETTER the thinner I get. I am more calm, focused, and have more energy. I dont think nurses should be singled out any more than moms, teacher or construction workers---we are all role models in this world to someone.
If we are unhealthy (smokers, 15 cups of coffee, high blood pressure, meth heads....or overwt) we are not at our best, no matter what the job. But that does not mean we are incompentent.
Sorry this is long---but it struck a big cord.....
I dont have a tv, so I rent movies and watch on my laptop every once and a while. Last night I was watching disk 5 of Oprah's 20th anniversary show.
I did not faithfully watch Oprah when I did have a tv. I am not a died in the wool fan. I just think as a cultrual icon, I should listen to her points every once and a while to see what the fuss is about.
There was a section there on wt. It rather encapsulated her whole philosophy on wt/wt loss in about 45 minutes. Here is what I got from it.
**She gets that wt. loss is a journey, and even though she spent years fat she said she would not give anything for her journey now. I think that over time her thoughts grew and developed alot on the subject, as do all of ours.
**She thinks that that key to wt. loss is self love.
**Obviously, she does not think surgery is the answer, there was one person on the tape that lost 300 pounds through gastric bypass, and it was still listed as "an extreme way to go, and I would not recommend it" by the person who had it. (even though it CLEARLY gave this woman her life back.
To me, Oprah has not forgotten what it is like to be fat, she seems to have gotten over it. Weight seems to be just a non issue in her life now. I live for the day when I am not defined by what I put in my mouth or how much I move around in a day.
I think alot of Oprah is smarmy self love stuff, but I think on this case, we agree. We just don't agree on the method.
I did not post this before, but I had a pretty enlightening experience right after my surgery. I would call it Divine. I was in the recovery room, rather alert. I felt the most intense love for my body I had ever felt, EVER. I was just in awe of my body. It was true acceptance. I felt like what I had just done, getting the band, was the most LOVING thing I have ever done for myself. EVER. I mist up now just thinking about that moment.
I think for Oprah, she had her "make the connection, ah-ha, mumbo jumbo moment.' Through diet and excersize. She came around to loving herself. Really loving herself. So maybe what happens, is when she talks about it, her way is the best way. She comes off rather....snotty and self rightous about it, which is kinda how I sound when I talk about my method of surgery sometimes.
For me her way was not the best way. I wish it was, it could have saved me thousands of dollars. But the moment I came to love myself (as much as I love everyone else) actually came after I had surgery. Not even the choice to have surgery was enough. My head was so thick that I had to have my gut cut to get that I am worth effort for my body, for my life. I would have never ever accepted that fact by going for a jog and eating fish. Now that I do have that feeling though, going for a jog and eating fish make sense.
As for not being able to do your job at the size you are, I think I would be lying if I did not say I do it BETTER the thinner I get. I am more calm, focused, and have more energy. I dont think nurses should be singled out any more than moms, teacher or construction workers---we are all role models in this world to someone.
If we are unhealthy (smokers, 15 cups of coffee, high blood pressure, meth heads....or overwt) we are not at our best, no matter what the job. But that does not mean we are incompentent.
Update on ball dog and myself.
Nov 02, 2006
I am a mom. So by defination, kinda tough. I've told my childbirth stories at parties like the rest of ya. Single mom, which means, tougher than most, 3 older brothers, even more tough. Grew up in Nebraska, ate some stuff that was "not really food that my brothers hunted", kinda tough.
I about YACKED twice. I was fully not prepared. Ugh. He is doing all the right stuff, healing. But when they changed his bandage, I have never ever smelled anything so nasty. Never. It was disgusting. The skin we hoped would graft did not. So, it was just slimy goo. ugh. It looked awful, smelled like death and I will never ever ever be a vet ever. It was brown, slimy and gooey. It looked like a horror movie and NICK wanted to LICK it. (*GAK*ing now just thinking of it.)
The dr. said its doing good, it is quite serious, and we will have to change the bandages about every two days. Ugh. So NOT looking forward to that.
He has some new pain drugs, that I gave him, (he is moaning and groggy now) and new wrap. I had to come home and shower and put on my most prettiest lotion, The horrid smell just clung. I got out into the waiting room and saw the sour faces of the other patients and their owners and just apologized.
I am not all that tough. Ugh. Man. I should stick to owning just a fish.
Other than that, I am doing well. I have eaten too much candy. I also have not had a chance to go to a single yoga class. So that kinda sucks. The wt. is still coming off. I am feeling so much better. My knees are not hurting anymore. I wore high healed shoes with my costume and I have not wore those in about 7 years. My hips are sore. But, I felt pretty, and that is all that mattered.
I just need to make better choices on food, excersize and water, but I dont think you will hear anyone on this board sayin that they do that perfectly anyway. I am doing the best I can for now.
I about YACKED twice. I was fully not prepared. Ugh. He is doing all the right stuff, healing. But when they changed his bandage, I have never ever smelled anything so nasty. Never. It was disgusting. The skin we hoped would graft did not. So, it was just slimy goo. ugh. It looked awful, smelled like death and I will never ever ever be a vet ever. It was brown, slimy and gooey. It looked like a horror movie and NICK wanted to LICK it. (*GAK*ing now just thinking of it.)
The dr. said its doing good, it is quite serious, and we will have to change the bandages about every two days. Ugh. So NOT looking forward to that.
He has some new pain drugs, that I gave him, (he is moaning and groggy now) and new wrap. I had to come home and shower and put on my most prettiest lotion, The horrid smell just clung. I got out into the waiting room and saw the sour faces of the other patients and their owners and just apologized.
I am not all that tough. Ugh. Man. I should stick to owning just a fish.
Other than that, I am doing well. I have eaten too much candy. I also have not had a chance to go to a single yoga class. So that kinda sucks. The wt. is still coming off. I am feeling so much better. My knees are not hurting anymore. I wore high healed shoes with my costume and I have not wore those in about 7 years. My hips are sore. But, I felt pretty, and that is all that mattered.
I just need to make better choices on food, excersize and water, but I dont think you will hear anyone on this board sayin that they do that perfectly anyway. I am doing the best I can for now.
Halloween
Oct 31, 2006
I had a pretty great halloween. My costume made me feel really pretty. From the picture I learned I have collerbones. Huh, who knew? I went to Olivia's kindergarden class and "performed" a witches brew for em. So now I am a rock star to my daughter. I had a ball. We brought in 4.5 pounds of candy. Ugh. I am taking it to the shop so I dont have it around here today. Those mini chocolate bars slip right on in the band. Groovy.
Nick goes to the vet today, which is good, because he was up pacing all night. Anna the other dog, must have snuck some candy because she is moping around the house all morning.
So, how was your halloween? Go ahead, comment.
Tough Day and a Non Scale Victory (NSV)
Oct 26, 2006
Ok, so you know my dog was hit by a car so he has to stay in the house. He has a pretty messed up back leg, powerful meds and a cone on his head to keep him away from his foot.
He has to stay still, and dry. Its been raining here. I got to experience it fully because I had to change my flat tire in the rain in a dress today. The lug nuts were tigntened by godzilla.
After a long day in a damp dirty dress, got the tire fixed I bought the healthy pizza for my 5 year old and we trecked home.
My wounded dog let in my big fat dog, and together they trashed the house. (Anna is the trasher, Nick is the brains behind the escape) Anna ate off the cone coller on Nick, my new black shoes, Olivia's fan from Japan, and Ken, barbies main squeeze. She also broke 2 dishes. Together they tracked in 31 pounds of mud.
So far this week has cost me several hundered dollars (dog plus tire) shoes dishes and my 5 year old is crying about her fan.
My band is TIGHT. (I horked the pizza)
Here is the good news I went from a size 26 to a nice 18. I was thinking, I wont have to wear anything starting with the number 2---except maybe a diamond or something.
Other than the crappy day, I am doing well. I think I will ask Stephanie my sometime momma's helper for a visit, my house is needing some loving and I am a bit fried lately. I will have Rachel take pics of me in my new 18 jeans.
He has to stay still, and dry. Its been raining here. I got to experience it fully because I had to change my flat tire in the rain in a dress today. The lug nuts were tigntened by godzilla.
After a long day in a damp dirty dress, got the tire fixed I bought the healthy pizza for my 5 year old and we trecked home.
My wounded dog let in my big fat dog, and together they trashed the house. (Anna is the trasher, Nick is the brains behind the escape) Anna ate off the cone coller on Nick, my new black shoes, Olivia's fan from Japan, and Ken, barbies main squeeze. She also broke 2 dishes. Together they tracked in 31 pounds of mud.
So far this week has cost me several hundered dollars (dog plus tire) shoes dishes and my 5 year old is crying about her fan.
My band is TIGHT. (I horked the pizza)
Here is the good news I went from a size 26 to a nice 18. I was thinking, I wont have to wear anything starting with the number 2---except maybe a diamond or something.
Other than the crappy day, I am doing well. I think I will ask Stephanie my sometime momma's helper for a visit, my house is needing some loving and I am a bit fried lately. I will have Rachel take pics of me in my new 18 jeans.
My Dog Nick
Oct 23, 2006
I got home from Bible study last night, was taking my trash out, and my dog, Nick the ball wonder, got hit by a car.
His back left foot is pretty ugly. Its 2 am. I just got back from Vet ER (Olivia was picked up by grandma and is staying at their house.) and he is in surgery. They are trying to piece together is back hindfoot, but the truth is they dont have enough skin. Surprisingly, he did not break a bone. (Maybe a hair line one they cant do much with, so they are leaving it) Otherwise he is "good". He was stoned and protesting that it was just a scratch, to leave him be. He also gave me strict instructions to go back out into the street and get that ball.
I never saw the car. They did not stop. I just heard the skid, thump and them drive off. I was in the back collecting the trash. I was not sure even which dog was hit till I got into the house looking for em, Nick was in the kitchen, Anna had messed herself and Nick had bled alot. Ugh. I prayed for him before I left, and I am pretty sure the vet thinks I am a wacko.
Keep ya posted.
From Ick to Sick and back
Oct 22, 2006
I was tired. I guess. I caught a cold that I think today is gone for the most part. My voice was gone for a few days, much to most everyones relief. :) I am better. Some days I get the hang of eating, some I don't. What I am getting the hang of is that my wt. is not my life. I am leading a Bible study, I signed up for yoga (now that I am not sick I will go) I am getting my housein better order, and remembering to take care of myself. Something happened to me a few days ago, I cant really explain. I stopped being mean on myself. I stopped picking on me. Yeah, its an old habit, so it popps up, but I pray each day that God will help me let it go, help me go, "oh come on you dont either suck...." In the past few days when I am not looking for all the ways I screw up I get to notice other stuff. Like the tons of stuff I do right. No I am not perfect. I am saying that now, which has been obvious to others because no one is, but it has not ever stopped being a goal for me. Until now. Now I dont want to be perfect, do things perfectly, stop making mistakes, or never screw up. I am accepting that those things will happen. I screw up. So what. I wont do this band thing all right and perfectly either. My whole life is Kindergarden on a learning curve.
In a Bit of a Funk
Oct 17, 2006
I was looking at the message board and it seems I am not the only one. I have been in a bit of a funk lately. I just dont want to do anything. I am a tad bit sad, with no cause. I am also wanting just to hold up and sleep. I posted about it, and I was told that the tired is due to lack of water. I drank more water today, but not what I am supposed to. I am still tired.
My wt. loss is slowing down. I dont think by much. Its probably a weather, girl time, general discontent funk thing. I feel kinda lonely. Like all I do is mommy stuff, housecleaning, working and dog care. I feel like a bit of a blob of ick. Not too human just a do-er of stuff. My food is not that great. Too much comfort food in carbs and they are not helping.
I did sign up for yoga classes. I paid 89 dollars for 10 classes. I hope I like em. The lady seemed a bit snotty. But not mean. Not sure what I am supposed to do with Olivia during the classes though. I will just pray about it and hope it turns out ok.
Meanwhile, there is dishes, laundry, vaccuuming, Olivia needs a bath, I have stuff to DO. Ugh.
My wt. loss is slowing down. I dont think by much. Its probably a weather, girl time, general discontent funk thing. I feel kinda lonely. Like all I do is mommy stuff, housecleaning, working and dog care. I feel like a bit of a blob of ick. Not too human just a do-er of stuff. My food is not that great. Too much comfort food in carbs and they are not helping.
I did sign up for yoga classes. I paid 89 dollars for 10 classes. I hope I like em. The lady seemed a bit snotty. But not mean. Not sure what I am supposed to do with Olivia during the classes though. I will just pray about it and hope it turns out ok.
Meanwhile, there is dishes, laundry, vaccuuming, Olivia needs a bath, I have stuff to DO. Ugh.
Some People Have Noticed.
Oct 15, 2006
I am not sure if that is good or not. I have gotten that feeling like, "ok, well, they noticed so now I am done." I dont want to quit, so I reread my blog entries. I never want to be done. I always want to be about making myself the best person I can be, for the Glory of God.
I have no idea what the mentality of a 150 pound woman is. I have never been it. I swear I went from 80 to 200 those are the only 2 wts. I remember. But someone noticed I had been losing. I got all the way down to 200 before in OA, and did not feel a lick different. Now I am at 230 and I feel way prettier. I think that is what they notice. I dont look like that fat white trash chick at walmart with no makeup, sweats, and shirt that has food stains on it. Ok. I kinda look like her on Saturdays.
I have no idea what the mentality of a 150 pound woman is. I have never been it. I swear I went from 80 to 200 those are the only 2 wts. I remember. But someone noticed I had been losing. I got all the way down to 200 before in OA, and did not feel a lick different. Now I am at 230 and I feel way prettier. I think that is what they notice. I dont look like that fat white trash chick at walmart with no makeup, sweats, and shirt that has food stains on it. Ok. I kinda look like her on Saturdays.
About Me
IN, CO
Location
29.8
BMI
Surgery
08/10/2006
Surgery Date
Apr 27, 2006
Member Since
