catherineangel

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

I think what keeps me going is the ability to know that this too will pass. I will not always be suffering with diarrhea, nausea and dehydration. This too will pass! I will not always be able to eat a teaspoon of food for an entire meal. This is just the beginning and like a baby I am learning to crawl, and then trod and then walk like a big girl. So far I've lost more than 60 pounds and although this victory comes through severe pain, I am thankful that I am going in a better direction. Thankful that in a year or so, this will all be a distant memory and thankful that this experience has made me more focused on myself, nutrition and how to truly be happy.

Well, today is Saturday. Day two of feeling better. I don't want to tempt fate by saying it, but I feel much better today and I am going to attempt to have a little egg salad for breakfast, granted I prob won't be able to finish the whole egg.

Ending up in the hospital last Sunday was not fun! I never thought I would be back in the hospital for dehydration. This hydration thing is proving harder than I expected. I am always thirsty, but since gulping is not an option, I am really struggling with sipping constantly and resting. I get tired more quickly now and so I try to sleep, but those hours I could be hydrating...so here's an idea, why aren't the hospitals or surgeons recommending at home IVs for their patients? 

We went to the ER for nausea and diarrhea and within mins I was hooked up to an I.V for fluids and liquid nexxium. Thank God for that liquid Nexxium! My nausea flew right out the window. I was admitted 4:30 am Monday morning - unbelievable! a day later I return home where I am still dehydrated and trying to get as much fluid in me...God help me. So I finally get it -or at least I hope so. I get off the nexxium and my nausea and diarrhea start right back up...dr. says it's normal. Now adays I don't know what's normal for me and what's not. Just know that I am doing my very best under the circumstances.

It's about 5 weeks since my gastric bypass and my weight loss has slowed down significantly. My stomach feels upset when I eat and I don't remember if that's how it's always felt. I don't understand what's going on. I was losing on average 8 pounds a week and in two weeks I've only lost 6 pounds. I am confused and a little upset. This is hard! It's harder than dieting it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. What's tougher, is not knowing what's really going on inside my body. I don't know why I feel upset after I eat, like I get nauseaus sometimes and other times I am ok. After a couple of hours the upset feeling goes away. Has anyone experienced this.

I am feeling completely exhausted! It is not an exhausation that is bad. It is one that comes from having a really great day in a long time since this surgery. My mom and best friend visited me and we all went for a walk. It was a little too much, but it was great being out in the fresh air and spending qualtiy time with people who love me.

I decided to take a leap of faith and run after a dream of mine. This dream is to become a talk show host/writer. Today I submitted an audition to the Oprah.com website and it was accepted. I am super excited. Now I need your help though. All my friends and friends of friends - please follow the link, and view the audition. You will see me 50 lbs less and then you click on the green button to vote for me.

Please help me make my dream come true and because the next TV TALK SHOW HOST..

Yesterday I found out that I might have to be on prevacid for the rest of my life. I am upset by this and not happy at all. I want more of an answer than this. I don't mind being on medication for 30 days but for the rest of my life. I thought the whole point was to get off medication not to get on new medication. Not happy. has anyone had this told to them?

So tonight I sat listening to Oprah (whom I love); promoting a new book about food and God. I will buy it because I know this surgery is not the end of my struggle in fact it's the beginning. It's the beginning to actually  becoming the person I know I am inside, it's the beginning to taking the care of myself that I have not been able to do before. The last three days were tough. I gave in on Monday and had some bread late at night, but quickly realized that was a bad idea. I did not beat myself about it, but moved on.

Tomorrow is my big surgery day and I am excited and a little nervous. I trust God and his angels to surround me and everyone else going through this process.
 
I want to come back and enjoy the rest of my life with my husband and my family. I don't want fat to be an issue although weight will always be an issue in my life and that for the frist time in my life, I've realized that it's not about losing weight but about gaining me. Gaining and loving me, loving myself, my life, my good and my bad and I've realized that this journey is just beginning for me. Learning to eat again the way it should have been, having the relationship with food that I should have had. This is helping me do this. Will I crave larger portions, I am sure I will. Will I want to eat all those delicious things in my healing phase, i am sure I will, but I know that food does not define me. I will definitely have to keep that at the forefront of my mind along the way that I AM NOT DEFINED BY FOOD.

Love and thanks to all of you who encouraged me a long this way. I'll let you know how I am doing.

God bless.
The peace of God that passes all understanding will guide your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

 

Reading some of your postings last night helped me. I realize that I am NOT alone. It's amazing that people who are more flawed character wise than me, stand in judgment of me simply because I don't fit into a size 2. Ha. I think just as they are slaves to being thin, I am a slave to myself and to this weight. The thing is..I don't want to be 125 pounds ( I mean don't get me wrong) it would be nice to have that feeling again but I don't want to be a slave to being 125 pounds or 300 pounds or 500 pounds.

I would be happy going down to 200 pounds and working it. :) Trust me. If I work it now at 400 ++ I'll be flaunting it at 200 :). I worry about loose skin and rashes, but tell myself that it will be worth it to loose 100 pounds of pressure off my spine.

I must say, I am getting better at not beating myself into a bloody pulp every time I have a bad eating day. It's proving harder to stick to the meal plan as my old buddy of inconsistency pops up. I am consistent with my job (because I get a pay check). So I need to change my mind set. I hate struggling like this, but I must (in the words of Dr.Atkins) habituate myself.

I must talk to myself and encourage myself into healthy eating. Taking my vitamins and exercise I actually enjoy.

My fractured foot is healing very slowly and I suspect dancing the shimmy on FitTV last night did not help :).

So although I hate struggling, I am looking forward with bated breath to my surgery date which is now in May.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qFuCtRUEn5c

cLICK ON LINK TO ...DONATE PLEASE GOD BLESS

So I weighed yesterday and the out come was good! Dealing with PMS during this time is tough. My emotions are all over the place, I am ten times more sensitive than I am normally and I am tired. I feel so upset with myself for letting myself get to this point in my life.

A point where I need surgery, where I have to accept that I couldn't do it on my own. This in itself is a huge blow to my ego.

Friday night I went to see a movie (THE SPY NEXTDOOR- DON'T BOTHER GOING TO SEE THAT ONE) The kids might like it though, because they don't know any better...:)

So I went to see the movie, and the most emabarrasing part was not being able to fit comfortably in the seats. So I've lost about 16 pounds now. That's a great accomplishment right? Well it doesn't feel so great when you are stuffed like a turkey into a seat that's poking into your hips and thighs.

I couldn't even move out of it comfortably. The thing which saved me was that it reclined, so I was at least able to sit back and push the fat into the seat handles. As disgusting as that sounds, that's the reality I have to face and I have to remember when I walk by an Entenmanns shelf at the supermarket. I don't care about being a twig. I really don't. I care about my quality of life, and the fact that this weight is impeding me mentally, emotioinally and now physically.

So this surgery can't come soon enough for me and I hope that I lose the weight with it. I hope my body responds to it and i hope I don't go through all of this for nothing.

So my will is to succeed, is to make progress...is to account for the little things...drinking my water, doing my arm exercises and prayer and prayer and more prayer that this surgery works.

Well for the most part, I've been doing pretty good getting off the holiday stuff...I didn't do too badly. However, the last three nights I've had about two glasses of wine each night. This is unusual for me. Since my family has a history of alcoholism, I struggle with thoughts of what if I can't stop....I know it's only three days, but for some people that's how it started.

I see the nutritionist and speak to my surgeon tomorrow about my surgery which has been pushed back. I am a little disappointed. I feel overwhelmed with the weight sometimes. I know I am beautiful, and mobile. It's not about that. It's about finding the real me. The me that wasn't 4oo plus pounds, the me that used to hike up mountains in St Lucia at 180 pounds etc...

I know it will happen. I guess I am just anxious and concerned....Can i stick to this 12oo calorie plan? I need to talk to my nutritionist. Does anyone have any suggestions? anything?