catherineangel

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

 For most people, the gripe is about the last 10 pounds, for me it's about the last 50 pounds. For the past six months I've battled with the scale. I've lost a ton of weight but so desperately want to get down to 200 pounds that i am becoming obsessed and nervous that I may never get there. I know i have to relax about it because the stress does not help- neither does not being able to move as quickly as I used to 9 months ago. 9 months ago i fell ill and was eventually diagnosed with a virus that attacked my peripheral nervous system and contributed to balance issues- it seems unfair that after losing all this weight and gaining back my independence that i would be semi-confined to the house unable to drive at least for now and have therapy every other day. It seems strange to me and a little upsetting.  I have tried to keep the perspective- keep my eyes on the goal, journaling water intake the fact that most of my clothes are now an xl...which in itself is a huge accomplishment- but some days I can't help but feel cheated, cheated of the joy that comes with losing all this weight Still I will persevere to my goal- my birthday is a couple of months away and i look forward to reporting at least a 10-20 pound weight loss by then. Fiingers crossed.

 So i haven't blogged for a while. like most of you my struggle with food is an ongoing one. This journey has been so much of a blessing, but so much of a daily discipline and challenge that sometimes the blessing gets blurred. Some of my weight loss goals have stalled because of some unexpected health issues, but I should not use that as an excuse. I have a powerful tool that helps me and signals to me when i am content. Listening to that is a challenge, but I am determined to get used to it. My weight is 256 as of today. Coming from where I was, that's a hell of an accomplishment, but as true to my form, I beat myself up about it. I chastise myself to do better and that stress does not help with the weight loss-Mind you I was asleep 10 mins ago and got a craving for something to eat. It's been two years since my surgery and i don't ever get up in the middle of the night to eat anymore, but recently old behaviours have been triggered and although i don't give in they are there none the less. So instead of eating I sucked on two werther's orginals sugarfree coffed candies- that did the trick. My 37 birthday is coming up and I really want to be at least 10 pound slimmer by then so that has given me something to work towards. It took a while for me to get used to my new 200 pound and change body becasue although in my mind I've always been a sexy vixen, the clothes I could wear at 400 pounds greatly hindered that. I found a picture of myself from costco that I took two years ago and I could not recognized the woman in that photo- that woman had no neck and looked sad, this woman has a neck and smiles. So two years post op my rny surgery is doing what it's supposed to do limit my eating and I am sure glad it does- although i can eat alot more than i could 8 months ago because it took a long while for my pouch to stretch to a comfortable place i am so grateful for the life lessons i've learned and i am still learning a long the way. This is for the rest of my life- it is a marathon, not a sprint, drink lots of water, eat healthy portions and the rest will take care of itself. So I will journal here again- it will continue to remind me why I did this to begin with- for a healthier better me.

Some days it just does not seem fair. I am now 268. A DAMN GREAT START. I am wearing an xl for most of my clothes sizing now. THAT'S FRIGGING AWESOME. Yet I am stuck here for the past two months or sooooo. STUCK ON 268. STUCK I TELL YOU. I just want to lose the 38 more pounds to get to my initial goal weight after surgery of 230. pounds. Then I can lose another 30 and another 30. STUCK...HELP?????

 This week has been an emotional roller coaster for me. My weight loss has slowed down a little bit. I think because I've introduced more "healthy" carbs at the request of a behavioural therapist - but it's ok, because the goal is long term weight loss. I have come a long way baby. I've started weight traininig. It's been about two months and I am seeing tone and definition in my shoulders and arms. My goal is to lose 80 pounds before December 2011. This would put me just under 200 pounds for the first time since I was probably 21.

There are days when I feel AMAZING. I love my body, I love what weight loss is doing for me and I love the freedom that I have to go almost anywhere now, and to do almost anything. I recently took up playing tennis - which I was always too shy to try to tackle and now I can't stop thinking about it and wanting to know more about it.

Then there are those self hating days- where I forget all my progress, all my hardwork all that I went through and I hate the image in the mirror. That's new for me - or probably because I am more aware of my emotions now. So I was at the gym last week, doing my leg exercises and I looked at myself in the mirror and was utterly disgusted by my thighs and my arms- WHAT'S THAT ABOUT? Then I look at my belly and I am utterly disgusted! I guess this is the psychotic side of my food addiction - the self hatered. Where did that come from??? Usually, I never, ever had a problem looking at myself or maybe I was in denial. Today I am sitting typing naked..yes I do that because I don't like the restriction of clothes -Today I am at peace with my faulty body parts.

I've come a long way baby- I remind myself. Almost an out of body experience of tapping my self on the shoulder and reminding myself that 14 months ago- death was tapping at my door. Today I am now 276 pounds. 276 POUNDS! I have lost 169 POUNDS. That's nothing to be depressed about, but yet I am a bit depressed- because it's slowed down and I am afraid that I will go back to 445 pounds. I am determined though - I will overcome.

Well, well, well. I FEEL FANTASTIC! Breathing has improved from 91 to 110 points. Still on asthma meds, but looking forward to the day when I will be rid of them forever! I am now 285 pounds with clothes and I feel fantastic. I've set a new goal for myself. By September 1st I want to be down at least 50 pounds. Can I get there? Yes I can! 

I also chopped all my hair off. It's quite short now! Different, but I will let it grow back in all its glory. I am happy to see that this surgery is a powerful tool saving people's lives and my life. I am not ashamed that I had it and if I can help anyone who is going through it - I will say to you take it one day at a time. This is a journey for the rest of your life not a destination.

May 13th I celebrated one year and I am 160 pounds less of me! WHOOOO HOOOOO!!!!!

150 pounds is my goal! I am hoping my body will continue to lose. Thanks for letting me share.

GOD BLESS AND KEEP ON KEEPING ON!

I am about 55 pounds away from my initial weight loss goal after surgery. I set a realistic goal for myself. Today, I am now 294. May 15th 2011 will be my first year anniversary date after my surgery. My initial goal was 250 pounds. I still can make it I think (maybe a bit ambitious) lol. Anyway, I haven't been exercising as much as I should and my water in take is a bit low the last few weeks and I've been craving sweets, but I am getting back on track. I haven't put on any weight which is excellent. I admit that I am a food addict. I admit that I THINK about FOOD constantly.

It is a struggle daily. I will keep journaling, I will keep pressing on.

The great news- I fit into a 14-16 top (from the plus size stores) 18-20 from regular stores and 22-24 bottom. AWESOME!!!!!!! :) Can't wait to get down to 200- and then see the 199. I am NOT  a number on the scale, but it is an indicator that I am heading in the right direction.

Walked with my mum today for about 30 minutes. That was great. Will walk tomorrow.

I must say it feels great to be getting past the terrible ordeal of recovery. My recovery was extremely tough. This is now over hopefully for good. I am determined to stay focused. In the moments of weekness which are bound to happen and have happened, I promise myself to remain truthful to myself and accountable.  There are a three things I will do in this time.

1. Write EVERYTHING that I eat and drink down and look at it.
2. Not beat myself up if I have a moment of weekness.
3. To walk every other day until it becomes habitual.

I am not just getting fit physically, but I am also becoming mentally fitter. I am getting stronger emotionally as well. Not allowing people or myself to be or become easily manipulated or to give my control away. It's hard sometimes dealing with all the different personalities, but God is great! He has brought me thus far and will bring me farther.

I don't hear much from my friends on O.H. Not sure what's happened there. Hopefully, I will be able to find a couple of great girls who live closer to me. Oh well, God you've heard my prayer. It's up to you now.

Good Night O.H. and to all my brothers and sisters in this struggle. Keep on keeping on.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xNnMYxUK-40&feature=player_embedded#at=210

Well, well, well, it took a while, but I am finally under 300 pounds. It feels oh sooo good. I weighed in on March 3rd at my doctor's office, plus I had boots on etc...so maybe a couple of pounds less than 299. I am super excited. I now fit into a 18/20 top and 22/24 pants...my bra size is going down and down :( - well hubby will have to get used to that...lol...
So it's onwards to a healthier more active lifestyle. I've had some breathing issues. My doctor feels my body is not completely back yet and that my lungs are trying to adjust so please pray for me. Keep up the great work everyone....until we chat again...the incredible shrinking me...yeahhhhhh

Well OH Fam, I would love to say that I am now down to the 200's but I am not and I am getting frustrated. I feel like eating constantly when I am home. I eat small amounts, but still it's slowing down my weight loss. I am going through a lot emotionally right now and I am starting to lean towards old habits. I really need a lot of encouragement right now and it seems like no one is reaching out to me. I feel that all my life, I've been there for everyone and now I really need someone to be there for me.

My last weigh in was 318. I know that's great, but I should be at least 280 by now. I can't wait to go on vacation in April, but I really want to lose at least 20 pounds by then. With this cold weather, I am hardly exercising and all I think about is food!

HELP!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3csfgV_w_3I