Kate U.

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This is the 7th night in a row that I have had very vivid food dreams. It's always the same in all of them, I'm scarfing down different foods, even know I know I shouldn't and will probablly get really sick and screw up my new pouch. Last night it was this really rich donut. The night before was pizza. A couple nights it was a Cheesy Gordita Crunch w/beans (my fav fast food item). One night I dreamt that it was the morning of surgery and I scarfed down a big salad. The night before surgery I actually dreamt that I had alcohol and woke up in a panic.

DAMN YOU FOOD!!! Taking over my dreams now. lol

I hope these go away soon!!!

Alright so I finally have enough energy to write. I've just kinda been lollygagging around for the past few days, enjoying being home, watching lots of L Word and movies. :)

Everything is going really well so far. I was having trouble getting all of my water down- I had to burp like 10 times after every sip of water, which hurt my side. So I really wasn't getting as much water down as I wanted to. But today I'm doing good- almost 20 oz of water so far, 14 oz of protein shake. Got alot more to go, but I'm not forcing the water down like I was previously. 

I started taking my multivitamins and vitamin c today. Tolerated them just fine. 

The first few days on clear liquids I was having alot of head hunger. Every TV commercial, every mention of food had be having these huge cravings like I was pregnant or something. I wanted to cry so many times lol. I definitely was having alot of regret during that time. But the minute I started full liquids, all those head hunger panic attacks went away. I don't know if it's because things tasted better or that I felt like I was eating or what. But now, I just have a few thoughts of foods a day and I'm doing well with just blocking them out. 

Monday is my weigh in and I cannot wait to see how much I've lost. I haven't weighed myself since I started my 7 day preop liquids, so I'm sure the number will be good. 

I cannot wait to be able to move around more. I'm having a bit of lightheadedness when I move around much (go upstairs, stand from sitting, walking for long, etc). But since I'm not getting more fluids and am taking my vitamins, that should theoretically get better *crosses fingers*

By the way- unjury is the sh*t. I can get protein into a ton of different foods. I've been putting it in my soup and pudding and it's great to get protein from things that normally would be without. Buy it- it's great.

I'm baaack!!! I discharged on Friday and stayed with my grandma this weekend. I am glad to be home and back in my own space. I'm not having pain so much as discomfort on my side. And I can't do too much without getting lightheaded, so I'm taking it easy. 

I'll report more when I have a little more energy. Right now I'm wiped out!!! 

Thanks for all of the supportive comments, posts, and emails. This site has been such a source of great information but even more so a source of support. 

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. My rebirth. Thank you to those who so lovingly encouraged me and supported me through all of this. I'm crying but tears of joy... I finally have hope.

Well, again, pretty much all good things to report. Doing things right. I did have some thin hummus the other night, which I'm not sure if that was ok or not, but I'm allowed creme of wheat and yogurt, so I figured I was. That might have been a mess up, but if it was, it was not deliberate. I just licked off of 3 spoonfuls or so. Hopefully that was ok to do because when I came home I noticed hummus was in my soft/pureed list?

I did have a dream last night that I drank alcohol and I woke up in a freaking panic lol. 

I know I lost some inches, if not weight, on this liquid diet because I went to derby practice last night (didn't skate- just coached) and my jeans kept falling down.... had to pull them up every 2 seconds it seemed. And those are my booty jeans! Yay!

Tomorrow I start my clear liquids. Yesterday I went though my pantry and fridge and got rid of EVERYTHING that wasn't post op friendly. I had 2 huge bags full that I gave to a derby buddy. I got rid of cereal, rice, pasta, etc. There wasn't really that unhealthy of stuff- just carbalicious crap that I don't need around for a long long while. 

I did have an overnight guest last night and had nothing to offer them except water, protein shakes, and diet juice lol. Oh, and creme of wheat this morning that they didn't seem too interested in- wonder why. lol

It's almost here!!!!!! I can't wait!!!!!!!

Well, I'm on Day 4 of my liquid diet and it's been surprisingly a piece of cake. I know that alot of people have a lot of problems on it. I guess I'm just lucky. But I've been so focused on proving to myself that I can succeed. I feel like every day I wake up and have a new shot at life. And every day I have to show myself that I can do this. 

I've pretty much been doing a protein shake in the morning, water all day, soup at lunch w/ 1/2 scoop of unjury and some nutritional yeast, yogurt with 1/2 scoop of unjury, and I have a Isopure Zero carb on my way home and throughout the evening. So far, only one tummy grumble. I woke up with bowel discomfort this morning so I went and got some Benefiber. I figure my intenstinal track might be a little upset and no know how to move the rest through, so I figured I'd give it a little helping hand. haha.

I resisted 2 pizza parties- one on Thursday and one on Friday. The Thursday one was a breeze. The Friday one I went for a walk outside, so as not to smell it and get all head hungerish. I even went to a support group and got 2 helpings of food for a lady who needed some assistance. And really, I had no issues. I've pretty much chosen not to acknowledge those foods. I know that they are there. I can smell them and see them and I can watch people eat them. But I make the choice to walk past and not dwell on it. I don't think about how good it would taste or anything like that. While people eat whatever they eat, I go make my soup or eat my yogurt or drink my water.  It's definitely been a mind over matter thing. I mean, I can't be hungry- I have some sort of liquid in my stomach at all times. It's technically impossible. So it's just where I will allow my mind to travel. .

I am 333 pounds. I am at this weight because of the pizza and cookies and binge eating. Part of having this surgery is the challenge of finally eliminating those poisons from my life. I am more important that some greesy cheese. So I guess that's why it's been easy. 

Surgery on Wednesday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's right... this is my year. I went to bed last night so grateful for everything that I have. I really thought my life was going shitty and I went to a support group last night and realized how awesome my life is and what a great direction it's going in. 

Everything is lining up just right for me and I'm so grateful for that. Today, I talked to the ex and I almost let her ruin my groove. I cried for a second and then stopped... because I have given her power over me long enough. I have allowed her to come into my life and wreck so many things. I refuse to give her any power in my life ever again, even if it's just as little as her making me doubt myself, or her making me cry. 

This year is my shot to really make all of my dreams come true. It will be the Year of Kate... now to photoshop my face into a Chinese calendar.

So now that I got my last blog out, I'll report on Day 1 of my liquid diet! I was on 4 hours of sleep (I don't do well without sleep), so I think that helped, as I was tripped out all day and I didn't care about anything for the most part. lol. 

What I had:

Breakfast- BSN Syntha 6 Mocchachino w/ Soy Milk- 44 grams protein

Lunch- Cheese Soup- 1/2 scoop of unjury - 10 grams protein

Snack- Danon Light and Fit Yogurt -1/3 scoop unjury- 7 grams?

Dinner- Diet V8 Splash (to get a little sugar in me before practice so I didn't pass out or something)

During practice- Smart Water

After practice- Isopure Zero Carb- 40 gms protien

There was a ton of food on the table behind my desk, as usual, and I really wasn't tempted. I did almost eat a piece of cheese out of habit. Reached for it and was like "duh, liquid diet!" It's like I totally forgot! I did that when I got home from practice too... I went rummaging for food and then remembered I was on a liquid diet. lol So I finished my Isopure drink instead and was pretty happy about it.

I also got one of those 60oz water jugs and drank most of it. Also drank a bottle of smart water at practice so I definitely think I got my water in. Although I'm interested to see how the hell I'm going to get all of that water in post op lol.

Today is Day 2 and so far I feel pretty good- not really hungry.... feeling kinda good actually. The challenge will be tomorrow- there's a pizza party at my job. I'm going to go take a walk outside or find something to do during that time. I'll report at the end of the day with what I had. I brought a Isopure Zero Carb, Miso Soup. Yogurt, and the Diet V8 fusion. I also brought some nutritional yeast because I'm told that will help with mental clarity during this liquid diet. I also have my at-work stock of creme of wheat, tomato soup, amd unjury. I forgot my jug o' water in the car (we have to park 10 minutes up the road and take a shuttle in, so I can't go get it) so I'm just going to sip on water all day and not work about tracking the ounces.  

So far, so good!

This morning I spent another day crying over a woman. A woman who has done nothing but hurt and screw me over since we met over a year ago. I spent another hour that I can never get back, asking her why she treats me this way... why she cheats and lies and decieves. I put another hour's worth of heart into someone who has never given it in return. 6 days until my surgery... something that I've been waiting for forever... and I was being forced to focus on HER and her bologna instead of ME and my new life.

I called my mother crying, and before I could really get a word in, she immediately said "kick her out!" She offered to help me with rent (we were moving out of there anyway on Feb 1 to move closer to my job) until I'm gone. I texted Maria and she said she'd be out by Saturday and that we'd worry about the furniture that is hers in a few weeks, after I'm more recovered. She agreed not to contact me, and wait for me to contact her. 

It's all so bittersweet really... I really loved her with everything I had. And she would just spit on me every time in response. 

I feel like I can finally start the life that I need to. Will it hurt when I come home to noone? When I wake up on Saturday mornings (our day) alone? Sure. But which hurts more? Being trampled on daily or missing someone's company?

I talked to my good friend from derby, who always has wise words to give me, and she made me realize how awesome things are about to happen to me... I'm getting to start over... a new city, a new huge group of derby sisters, a new house, a new body, a new lifestyle, and no more of the chains of bondage that is Maria. 

Hopefully, in this new life that I'm making for myself, I can learn to choose partners who treat me well. Maybe it's the fat girl in me that thinks she can't get better partners... that she is stuck with what she gets, even though she knows otherwise. 

Now it's time to eliminate her from my radar and put myself front and center! For once!

Today is the last day I will be eating solid food for quite a while. It's certainly the last day that I will be able to eat this chocolate truffle that I am stuffing into my mouth. GOOD RIDDENCE POISON!! hehe