Kate U.

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So my "2008- Year of Kate" got sidetracked a little bit. It all happened like a week after surgery... my ex came over and took care of me for a few days. This was after my resolution to eliminate her from my life (she's a bad person- liar, cheater, emotionally abusive, etc). But I was weak and lonely and let her back into my life, after her screwing up sooo soooo many times. Well, she said that she would change her ways and stop talking to a some girl that she had already sacrificed our relationship for. And as usual, I half believed it or something (mostly because I wanted to). Last night I find out she's been talking to her all along. I find half naked pictures, etc. I confronted her over the phone and she treated me like this insignificant peon, like I was bothering her. She even hung up on me twice. Well, she's moving her stuff out on Monday. I'm moving an hour away. I've changed my number (and have not given it to her obviously) and blocked all of her email accounts from my emails. The only way she has to contact me is via my work phone. If she calls, I'm making the committment to not answer. 

I cried myself to sleep last night. Mostly over the loss of a love. Also over that feeling that I put so much into someone who is just evil... and what does that say about me? And I cried over the feeling that there are just so many bad people in the world and that love means nothing to so many. That there's not some standard of common decency, morality, and honor. I would never do the things that she did to anyone, much less someone I claim to love. I am just so bummed about the reality of the real world... about people in general.  I talked to a friend of mine and also talked to my mom in the midst of my breakdown (which, mind you, has happened way more times than I can count). My mom made a good point that this is not really important right now trying to figure the world out. That I have so much going on and going for me (ei surgery, moving to a new city, getting a chance to really live the life I've always wanted to in a new body, getting to play and excel at derby, getting to play volleyball again, getting to be healthy) that who really cares about figuring out the world right now. I have (hopefully) my whole life to figure that out. 

I need to focus on what's important right now.... which is me and my weight loss! Really, being single during this time is alot easier. Noone else's schedule to worry about, no fighting or worrying about neglecting someone because you're trying to live your life. I get a chance to really work on me and me only. I'm in a good job that does not require pretty much any emotional output on my part, unlike my old jobs which sucked the life out of me. 

My official song for this year is "Get it Together" by India Aire:

One shot to your heart without breaking your skin
No one has the power to hurt you like your kin
Kept it inside, didn't tell no one else
Didn't even wanna admit it to yourself
And now your chest burns and your back aches
From 15 years of holding the pain
And now you only have yourself to blame
If you continue to live this way

Chorus:
Get it together
You wanna heal your body
You have to heal your heart
Whatsoever you sow you will reap
Get it together

You can fly fly

Dark future ahead of me
That's what they said
I'd be starving if I ate all the lies they fed
Cause I've been redeemed from your anguish and pain
A miracle child I'm floating on a cloud
Cause the words that come from your mouth
You're the first to hear
Speak words of beauty and you will be there
No matter what anybody says
What matters most is what you think of yourself

Chorus

The choice is yours
No matter what it is
To choose life is to choose to forgive
You don't have to try
To hurt him and break his pride
just shake that weight off
And you will be ready to fly

One shot to your heart without breaking your skin
No one has the power to hurt you like your friends
Thought it would never change but as time moved on
that ugly duckling grew up to be a swan
And now your chest burns and your back aches
Because now the years are showing up on your face
But you'll never be happy
And you'll never be whole
Until you see the beauty in growing old

So water is going down ALOT easier now and quicker, so I'm going to really shoot for 60 oz per day. I just got down 20 oz by 12 which it usually takes me until about  3pm to get down. So yay for that. 

I am having a little trouble getting down my protein drinks. I have Syntha 6 Mocchachino mix that I put in my soy milk. I also drink Isopure Zero Carbs. The milky stuff is just grossing me out right now for some reason, when I LOVED that stuff before surgery- drank it for months. And the Isopure... it's just alot of liquid to get down. I mean, it's 40g protein in 20 oz so I could theoretically just drink half in the am and half in the pm, but then I'm missing out on water. And even though I have the instructions to get about 60 oz of "liquids" down a day, I want to get 60 oz of water down, not just any liquid. I really feel much better, much more satisfied, and much less thirsty (duh) when I drink water all day. 

SO, to make a long story longer, I'm going to start doing the New Whey protein bullets. I'm getting the 42 g and going to have half in the morning and half in the evening. I tried the orange before surgery and thought it tasted like fruity death. Tried the grape this morning and was pretty happy with it. I mean, it didn't taste good, but it was tolerable and quick since it's only one shot. For those of you who haven't tried it- it's thick and kinda almost has a gooey feel, but not really. I was surprised that my pouch tolerated it. They're about 2.50 a pop if you buy a 12 pack, which isn't bad considering my Isopures are about the same price, if not about a dollar more or so. I just gotta find bullets in Fruit Punch because I haven't tried that. If anyone has, let me know how it is. 

I weighed myself this morning (I know, I should only be weighing myself once a week at max but I just had this inkling to step on it. And I weighed in at 298!!! WOOOO HOOO!!!!!!!!

Another 7 pounds gone! Forever!!! 7 pounds in 6 days! WOO HOO! That puts me under the 50 BMI of 44.6!!! 

I did not start my walking regimen because yesterday was derby, but I did try to walk around the rink most of the practice. 

Tonight I won't be able to because I have a board meeting. Wedesday I have derby so I think I'm going to bring my walking shoes to work and walk for my lunch break. My mom is giving me her heartrate monitor. I need it because otherwise I just dilly dally around.

Also, my surgeon's office (which is at my hospital) has a walking group every Monday at 5:30. I'm going to start walking with that group before I go to practice until it's time to skate again. 

Once I can start skating, I'm really going to be shedding weight like crazy. I think that Feb 1 I'm going to start skating but not do any contact drills. I want to have lost 50 pounds before I get back on skates though. I was really miserable not being on skates yesterday.

Alright apparently I need to better plan my weekends. I have already learned that I have to plan out my days in terms of food or I won't get what I need. If I don't have it scheduled, I can't get it all in. Saturday I did pretty good. I even went to Chilis and got a Mushroom Swiss Black Bean Burger (minus the bread and stuff)... ate about half of it. Almost had a carb breakdown... I was freaking out about not being able to eat the fries on my plate. Now it seems silly of course because they're just fries! But I did behave really well despite my emotional freak out. 

Sunday was just bad. I slept in until like 11, ate half of a small quiche minus the breading. Then I got in a fight with my ex. So finally at like 6 I realized I hadn't eaten or had anything to drink since 11. I was feeling horrible- dizzy, my leg was shaking, and my pouch was hurting. And I couldn't stop burping. So I finally forced myself to eat the other half of my black bean burger, which horrified me to have to eat for some reason. I then got about 20 oz of water down after. My pouch still feels a bit raw or something.

So yeah- horrible day. But it was a kick in the ass to make me realize that I have to eat and drink, no matter what. 

I still can't eat every 3 hours. I can eat about every 4-5 hours. If I eat at 3 hours, I swear food is still in my pouch, because it feel tight after about 3 bites. 

Otherwise, I'm kinda feeling like I never had surgery. I'm tolerating everything fine... no dumping or anything. Granted, I haven't tried anything junky, sugary, or bad. However, Peanut Butter does make me feel a little funny. Not like I'm dumping, but like my intenstines are pissed off about it's presence. It could just be too fatty to tolerate yet. I had put about a tbls or 2 in my shake the other day. So I'll stay away from the PB from now on. 

Some good knews- I have been apartment hunting for about 2 weeks now. I finally found a place I love in Plantation (15 minutes west of Ft Lauderdale and it's about 20 mins from my job instead of the hour drive). I put in my application, proposed lease, etc. They're checking my references as we speak (which noone's every done before and I find to be odd).

Goal for this week: Start a walking regimen- Steady walking- Everyday for 30 minutes. I'm going to have my shoes and socks and walking pants at the door ready to go so when I get home, I can just go. If I hang out around the house beforehand I get lazy. If I'm at derby, I'm going to walk there instead. Next week, I will increast pace and length of time. 

Yesterday-

8 am- 1/4 cup tofu scramble (12 gm protein)

10 oz water

1pm- 1/4 cup marinated tofu cubes (7 gm protein)

10 oz Isopure Zero Carb- Icy Orange (it was gross too) (20 gm protein)

10 oz water

5:30pm- Ate two cubes of tofu and my pouch felt tight like there was food still there. I don't think I'm digesting things that quickly

10 oz water 

9pm- 1/4 cup Boca ground burger mixed with a little bit of salsa and FF sour cream and shredded cheese (13 g protein)

I'm falling short on my protein and water.... I'm having alot of trouble getting it all in my baby pouch. Someone said I'm doing good for 3 weeks out though. I am, however, being religious about my vitamins. :)

My friend Becky approached me about a roadtrip she's planning in July. It's a 2 day drive to Colorado with 5 days of backpacking through the mountains. I was soooo excited about this. I've always loved camping and have always had dreams of backpacking through Tibet and through Europe. But I never really thought I'd be able to do it. Because, well, I've always been fat and knew that I would pretty much die or go at such a slow pace noone would want to backpack with me ever again lol. 

Now I can finally do these things that I couldn't do when I was trapped in my own body!!! I should be about 100 pounds down by then. And I will be training once I can increase my level of activity. I don't know what is involved with training- I imagine walking alot with a pack on? lol. I'm in South Florida where there are no hills so not sure how I'm going to practice. But I already emailed my friend about it and I'm sure she'll be in for training with me. She's always up for any physical activity. 

Also, once I can skate, we're starting a skating group called Roll Around Town Skaters ("RATS") where we're going to skate on Saturday or Sunday mornings for 2 hours around town. I had originally posted to the derby girls that I wanted to start it and then my VP said that she used to lead a RATS group. So it was meant to be! She's agreed to be the Prez of RATS :) I'm thinking about getting some LandRollers (you may have seen these on Cesar Millan on the Dog Whisperer.



They're supposed to be more work than regular roller blades but they can go over cracks easily and can even go on short grass! Quads are just too bumpy on the outdoors for me, and I have a nice outdoor quad set up. So we'll see. :)

Yay for fitness!!!!!! Yeah for breaking the chains of weight that have imprisoned me for so long!!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday was my first day back and work. Which was on accident. I came back a day early. Oops. haha. Somehow I got in my head that I put in to go back on Wednesday, when I had requested a Thursday return. Oh well. Those were unpaid leave days anyway towards the end (I only had 48 hours paid time available). So more money for me :)

The day went well. I was having a little bit of discomfort in my back and lower abdomen. I think it was just from sitting in my chair after a week of sitting on my yummy couch. 

I was pretty exhausted after work, more that I would ever normally be after work, but that's to be expected. Otherwise, it wasn't bad. I think 2 weeks was an ideal amount of time for me to have taken off :)

I weighed in today and have lost 25 pounds!!! Which gives me a total of 35 pounds weight loss so far!!! Awesome!!!! I'll write more later. I've been apartment hunting and had practice so I'm exhausted and am falling asleep sitting here.  :)

Thanks for all the encouraging emails today. I will write you all back tomorrow, which is my last day of freedom. Wednesday's back to the grind! :(

I can't believe I'm already 11 days post op!!! Things are moving along quite nicely. I have to say that I had several days of "sh*t, what did I get myself into?!?!" But that feeling has started to majorly fade and I'm sure will be non exsistent tomorrow after my first weigh in! 

Integrating pureed and soft foods has really been a godsend for my mental health lol. I have been eating alot of tofu (I'm a vegetarian and I LOVE tofu). I even went to lunch yesterday and had some terikyaki tofu. They looked at me like I was crazy at the restaurant since I wanted nothing with it.... No veggies, no noodles, nothing. I'm still trying to figure my pouch out... trying to figure out what satiated feels like. In the meantime, I'm just trying to measure everything out. I caught myself grazing last night before I went to bed... busted out some of the tofu scramble I made and was eating out of it. My goal is MINDFUL eating so I need to make sure I don't do that anymore. I also need to work on eating every 3-4 hours, which I am really starting today. 

I've been really working on chewing and chewing and chewing and have been doing surprisingly well with it. I've also been giving it a minute or two before my next bite. My biggest problem is water. I want to drink water with my meals. I also had about 2 glasses of water with my meals. Now I just craaaave it while I eat. 

Yesterday I went to the mall and walked around quite a bit. Got some new running shoes!!! Which I just got back from testing out. I took the dogs for a walk. We walked slow but steady- paced for about 20 minutes. Got my heart rate going a little and sweated just a bit from the heat. Which was the goal. I feel good!!! Tonight is derby practice so I'm going to go. I'm obviously not skating and probablly won't for 4-6 weeks, but Sundays we don't have a coach, so I'll run the drills. In the process, I am going to do some walking on the rink. Going to start building up!

Oh and I'm still having the dreams- last night it was a big ole salad. Hey, at least the foods are getting healthier lol. 

Tomorrow's the big day! My first weigh in!! I CAN'T WAIT!!!