aphephobicfriend
Through ups and downs
Nov 03, 2017
It's nice to return to these pages and remember the journeys that I have gone through. It's nice to be at a place now where my weight isn't such a constant thought and struggle, but is just one facet of me in my busy fulfilling life.
I am happy to report that from my last post in November, things eventually got better. I started walking to my coworkers house- about 3 miles most days before work. I started calorie counting again. I also explored priobiotics and began taking a supplement. I lost about 20 lbs, was back to 180 or a little under, and it was lovely. I love seeing the pictures from last May. Then, as life tends to do, life changed. My coworker got another job and left our office. Don decided he wanted to start work (despite not finishing his PhD yet). He accepted a job in Deland, Florida. We made a hasty move to Ocala, where I have been working for several years now, and Don and I switched the commuter role.
I put back on the weight then and was hovering around 190-195 again, but I felt less overwhelmed by it. Armed with the knowledge that I could again return to calorie counting and exercise and shed those pounds, I had some grace for myself, but kept weighing in and monitoring. I slowly came down a smidge.
Then Don and I decided we would try to get pregnant. I got my IUD removed, but for two months before that time I weaned myself off my medicine (Adderall), caffeine, and cut back on drinking wine in expectation of fully stopping soon. I exercised consistently and improved my diet significantly. But I gained about 18 pounds, up to 205. I thought the moment that I went back into the 200 land was going to be awful. I haven't- even for an instant- been there since about two weeks after my emergency surgery in 2009 when they removed my band. I was miserable, and feeling very out of control. But, the weight plateaud there, and I decided I could live with it for the moment.
Trying to get pregnant sucks majorly. I have never really been interested in having a child with my own biological similarities. I had such a hard time accepting in life that I was me, and that included a physical form that I should be nice to- rather than believing that I was this awesome soul trapped in this disgusting shell that obscured who I was. The idea of passing that on to anyone feels like the ultimate act of hatred. Why would I want to pass obesity on to my child? Why would I intentionally create something that will be trapped in the same body that I felt was a prison to me for so many years? And what kind of fucked up relationship will I have with that child when I feel that oppressive guilt over doing that to him/her? Hence why I have wanted to adopt- and that desire hasn't really changed much for me over the years. There are also other reasons- I am very worried about what pregnancy will do to my plastic surgery, and whether I'll still be mostly satisfied with how my stomach looks. I resent that I will be giving up my body and my life for a year or more- saying "No" to many of the things I really love- red wine, adderall, caffeine, scuba diving, and roller coasters. I also just think, independent of all my negatives about having a baby, I love and find beautifully meaningful adoption. I think its just epic to give kids who are already present in this world a loving, stable home. To graft them into a family. I love the idea of adopting kids from the DCF system. I would love to adopt a sibling group. To me, its a much more rich, rewarding idea, then needing to create something which shares my genetic makeup.
But, I am not alone in this path through life. I made Don a promise that if he would talk to me about and consider adoption-only, then if he decided that he'd feel unfulfilled not having a 'bio-baby' (which is my somewhat pejorative nickname for a biological child), then I would have him a bio-baby. And that's where we stood in June.
Seeing no reason to delay the process, and (honestly) once the decision was made doing a 180 degree turn and worrying that we were going to wait too long, that I would have problems because of my old PCOS and hormone issues, etc., I saw a doctor in March, and got my IUD out in June. I read every article, and approached the task of getting pregnant with as much gusto as I approach costumes and parties. I ate every food they recommended, avoided everything I was supposed to avoid, and quickly became the poster child of peeing on sticks, taking my temperature (Basal body temperature, or BBT as they call it). Don and I have had lots and lots and lots of sex. Both fun and anxious, trying to get the timing right, throwing the timing out the window, somewhere in between... everything. And every month I get my period just like normal.
It's caused a lot of craziness in me, and more than a little fatalism. All of a sudden the girl who never wanted to get pregnant is super invested and heartbroken that she can't get pregnant. I hate this irony. Ultimately, when talking to my doctors, I decided to start taking adderall again, despite the fact that I am still trying to conceive. If I do somehow end up pregnant, I will stop taking it right away. But it has helped me immensely to not feel like my entire life is on hold for this cyclical hell process that will never end. Its easy giving up the alcohol, and it wasn't a big deal about the caffeine. So far, my opportunities to scuba have been on the 2 weeks of the month that I know I am not pregnant, so that's been a non-issue, and I rollercoaster the shit out of life and don't feel the least bit bad about the possibility that I could be 5 days pregnant or whatever.
I'm still weighing in at 203 pounds, despite having been back on adderall for about a month. Adderall itself won't do much- it curbs my appetite a little I guess, but it will help me avoid my constant temptation for sugar, and make it easier for me to succeed should I get back on a diet plan. But as of now, I haven't started one because of my concern that it will be yet another stumbling block in the trying-to-get-pregnant path.
Suprisingly, I am more okay with this than I have ever been. Don't get me wrong, I hate how tight my clothes are, and I am not thrilled when I look at pictures of myself. But I am missing that crippling anxiety that I used to have when I was gaining weight. That is a huge blessing in this, because its anxiety-ridden enough in the TTC (trying to conceive) world. The plan is to start medical intervention/diagnostics as soon as my doctor will allow, which is probably going to be in December. Depending on that path, I may take 6 months or so off of 'actively' trying so that I can return to a more regimented diet and lose some of this weight. If not, I will attempt to slowly affect the scale (which has never been more forte, but it can't hurt to try).
I am happy about where I am mentally with all of this, and I feel like I continue to grow in self awareness and self acceptance, which makes me proud. This journey is messy, and I know that I will have some struggles and failures, but I know that I will continue to prioritize treating myself well and taking care of myself on the outside, not just the inside.
