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So my days are going from bad to worse. Mom hasn't slept more than 4 hours in the last 3 days. Between the withdrawl from cigs, morpheine, junk food, the ventilation drugs and then the sleep deprivation and whatever else happened to her brain in the process she is one mean old bear. She slapped me on the arms (hard) and I didn't have time to be offended cause she turned around in 2 seconds and slapped her hubby across the face (hard) so I was happy it was just my arms and shes got those tough leathery hands of a hard worker lol. OH what a fun day its been so far and its not even 5am. I think I will put a call into her doctor to see what he recommends. Maybe drugs to keep her calm until her body is more healed. God it would be sickening for her to die before we can get her healthy enough for surgery :( 
I would be more offended by my mom's actions but I was a home and residential support worker for 5 years. I took care of people with minimal to severe brain damage and illnesses like dimenia, alzheimers, mania and scitzophrenia. I know that the things she says now aren't coming from the rational, normal, loving part of her brain. I can't count the number of family members who have been embarassed and said "s/he NEVER acted this way before they got ill" 
Mom is like a child who says "I hate you, you're so mean to me" just because they have to go to bed and get their much needed rest. So here we are killing ourselves to keep her restaurant running for her AND taking care of her while she is angry at us for telling her what to do etc. She has no sense of reason right now and it makes me so sad. Yesterday for a lot of the day she was almost normal getting jokes and making jokes but then she had a crying spell because I wouldnt soak her feet immediately (I had just walked through the door with $200 worth of groceries after doing errands for her for 4 hours) any normal person would have been ok with waiting the 15 more minutes but she just has tantrums or cries whenever she can't get what she wants right NOW. Its aggrivating to me but then Im so sad to see her upset.. not a fun place to be.
Mom's legs are VERY swollen, dark maroon in color and she has one open sore on her heal. She is supposed to be resting and keeping her feet elevated all of the time when sitting. She hasn't had them up for 4 hours in the last 24 and that's including while in bed :( Her blood sugar will not go below 10 (it is supposed to be between 5-7) mainly because she is eating when she isnt supposed to but also because she had to stop her avandia because it is not recomended for heart patients. I want to get her switched to metphorin asap.
Blah.. long ramble and rant but you know OH is the closest thing to therapy as I'm gonna get right now and I need to let it out somewhere :P

On top of all of that my eating totally sucked yesterday :( I was soooo busy I kept putting it off. I took care of mom from 6:30 - 8:30 and then I drove the half hour to my house to eat, shower and shave before doing the payroll, then get the restaurant and home groceries and the meat order (I filled the front and back seats as well as the back of the truck) got gas, office supplies and then unloaded it all at the restaurant and at home. Came here to cook and clean. I made a big pot of chili, spaghetti and meatballs and sliced three 20 pound rolls of ham for the restaurant. I did dishes and tiddied before serving supper to the family and then doing more dishes all before my eating. UGGG bad girl. Had a quiet night and watched survivor before hitting the hay. I got a whole 3 hours of rest before mom had a 2 hour temper tantrum this morning... *silent scream* Im eating more today for certain :P

It was a grueling day. Mom didnt sleep a wink last night so I was up at 5am yesterday, cleaned for about 5 hours, got her out of the hospital and got her settled at home, did all of the restaurant ordering, made mom's meals and waited on her hand and food since she was still groggy from the morning ativan they gave her cause she was bad :P Then on top of that had to get up with her in the night at least 6 times between 930pm and 3 am when her hubby got up and then I got some good quality sleep until 630am. Since then I have been doing bills, ordering, and one errand. I came home had a shower and am checking all my puter stuff then I have to do the payroll, go pick up 2 huge orders, go to the restaurant and put them away and then go back to moms to do laundry, dishes, make supper and coddle mommy. Gosh I just got winded writing it all ;)
Tomorow morning Im getting a second line put in at moms so I can be on the internet and keep their main phone line free.. So I can't be on much while I'm there until then.

Well another rough day at the hospital. I keep waiting for the other shoe to fall. I have all of these stressful days, I'm in constant PMS and crampy girl pain and I'm still not turning to food. I eat when I'm supposed to as I normally would. I am not so naive as to believe its supposed to be this way or that it will continue. I'm ready to combat the stress eating should it arise but its like waiting for a bomb to go off (if you ever saw me binge you would see why ;) 
I'm feeling pretty guilty, I lied to my mom yesterday. She begged and cried for a half hour for me to take her home offering me everything from a new car to all her money. So being the sweet daughter I am I told her IF she was good and had no more outbursts (she had some violent episodes yesterday) and did everything I wanted her to I would take her to my place to sleep but then come right back in the morning. So I gave her a shower (her first in 2 weeks :P,) and  shampooed her. Got her all dried off, took her back to the room, to the bathroom and then to her chair. It ate up almost an hour :) I snuck her food tray away while she was asleep in her chair so she wouldnt know it was dinner time and waited an extra 45 minutes to bring it back in. She ate a few bites and then was sore so I put the feet down on her chair. I then commented on how swollen her feet were and that they NEEDED to be up so I fixed her bed for her to rest in it with her head and feet up. (normally she refuses to go to bed ;) and tucked her in all nice. Within 2 minutes she was conked out. I snuck away about a half hour later telling the nurse what I had done and to tell mom I was in the caffeteria if she woke up :P
She is coming home today (assuming she is still speaking to me. I got about 5 hours of calm quiet time for her due to the lie so I dont regret it at all and would do it again but I still feel bad about it ;)

Soooo... My mom was tranfered to a different hospital with a cardiac/coronary care unit (CCU) which our hospital doesn't have. They did the angiogram/angioplasty yesterday. Her nurse showed us a diagram of mom's heart and arteries with writing all over it. Apparently every artery is in unhealthy condition but some are in fatal condition. She had 2 90% blockages which caused her heart attack one of which is now gone. The doctor opened the blockage and put a splint in to keep it from collaping in on itself. The other 90% blockage is in a Y with the first and cannot be fixed unless its life or death since the risk is too high to fix it now. She also has one whole artery filled with hard calcium build up that is begining to get to the blockage state that cannot be cleaned due to the solidity of the plaque.
Her current state is the same; sedated, on ventilator, pnemonia, with a 24 hour nurse monitoring her temp, BP, pulse, breathing, blood sugar. They did stop feeding her at this hospital but they think "good" sugars are 8ish.. I so don't approve but I will just wait until she is back to my hospital where they keep her sugars between 4 and 6 which actually is good. Anything above 6 can slow healing and cause other diabetic difficulties. The pnemonia is a common side affect of putting the breathing tube in so once she gets that out she will be getting better. Also as soon as the tube comes out they can take her off of sedation and I can start beating her :P I spose I'll huggle and kiss her first though.
Some parents have a tendancy to go on about how protective they are of their children like its a special state that others can't appreciate. I have been taking care of my mom since I was a little girl and I will fight for her every breath until her last one has expired I don't know if this is "special" compared to others but it is special for me. My mom wasn't a great mother or even an especially good one but she is MY mother and I love her unconditionally. I know most people don't connect with their parents on this level but mom and I are so close we don't have to finish sentences, she doesn't have to ask me for much because I can do it knowing its what she wants. I always go to appointments with her because no matter how many questions or concerns she may have she has a hard time verbalizing them so I quiz and grill doctors, salespeople, possible staff or whoever as her voice. People kinda don't like to see me coming with her ;)
At the very least I will make sure her first month home is smoke and junk food free. Yesterday her husband rounded up all of her cookie stashes to get rid of. She had them in every room. As a true life long fattie I know how bad its got to be when you start keeping food at hands reach everywhere you sit. I feel so bad that she had to get this sick before we could step in to make her get better. Had I gone up there last week and taken her junk food and smokes away she would have had a fit and just bought more. I know now she won't because her husband isn't going to let her :P
We can't force her to be healthy but we can make it too hard for her to be unhealthy if we are commited enough. I feel so bad for my stepfather, he has practically lost his brain this week, doing the same thing over and over or forgetting what he was doing midway and don't even get me started on his driving. I think he is for the first time aware of how close to death she is and how much his life is about her. I like him scared, its good for both of them to understand their mortality. 
Any way just rambling again while waiting by the phone :)
Thank you all for your kind words and emails I don't respond to many right now just because I don't feel mentally up to it but please know they are VERY appreciated :)

I hate to be tedious and repetitive but damn I love you peeps :)

All of your good vibes, thoughts and prayers must have worked as my mom is getting better. She is still on a ventilation machine and is completely sedated but her vitals are getting stabalized enough that they are thinking about taking her tubes out this afternoon. The main reason they are keeping her ventilated is to give her heart a chance to gain strength. Its a lot less work for a heart to not have to keep the lungs working and oxygen flowing or deal with an awake and bitchy patient ;) Moms BP has been as high as 180/120 and pulse 130 bpm while laying there unconsious I can imagine awake she would have been off the chart. So her blood pressure is getting closer to normal with a combination of meds and she could be conscious when I go see her this afternoon. 

This whole situation brings up a whole slew of topics for me to drone on about :) My hubby is a normal sized person, over eating might make him gain a couple of pounds but then he levels off and is fine. He's 39, 6'3 and a burly 225 pounds which he could stand to lose 10 - 20 of but he feels great as is. He always ate as much and as bad as I did. He always brought me food when I asked or it even though I would beg him not to when I was thinking clearly. He just couldn't say no to me. Love can be bad for your health that way. I think he would have helped me get to 400 or 500 pounds assuming I lived long enough to get there. Some people think that's insane and he's an "enabler" but he really just loves me so much he will do anything to make me happy. If I was sad food cheered me up temporarily which he needed as much as I did. For me to lose weight we both had to suffer with my unhappiness. I could have waited 5 years or so and gotten my RNY paid for which would have been ok. I chose to pay for many reasons but one being the 20 000 bucks is a tangible incentive for him to never give in to my addictions if I ever have moments of weakness. It has worked perfectly, he loves me losing weight and puts up with my depression better than ever before knowing it will get us to a happier place with time. 

What does this have to do with my mom's heartattack? Well her hubby who loves her more than anything is also a bad eater and smokes 2 - 3 packs a day. Mom has tried to quit on a couple of occaisions and may even have succeeded but for living with a chain smoker. Seeing my mom hooked up to 10 IV's a ventilator, cathartar, stomach pump and completely unconscious is the tangible price he needed to pay to not allow this to happen again. She lays there physically dead and all he sees are his own contributions along their life journey together. I think he really gets it now that two individuals living together cant be a healthy couple unless they lose some of that individuality. If mom needs to quit smoking and eat right to live then he needs to quit smoking, eat right and be strong, for her to live. I know some people would disagree with this and say we need to be strong on our own. I personally think if we could do things on our own we wouldn't mate, raise children or even have pets :P 

I wish I could have lost weight without needing my hubby to be as strong if not stronger about my problems. That just isn't the case and I have no way to change that. After 13 years together and me dieting almost the whole time I can honestly say this is the first time he has really been the hard ass support I need and I love him more for it :)

Will my moms hub stick to his vow to quit smoking? Only time will tell. He sent their order of cigarettes back yesterday so I doubt he has enough smokes to do him the weekend now. I've decided to be the bitch and be strong for them about this. If I see him buying more smokes or find any stashes anywhere I will destroy them. I never got too involved before because of that whole; its their life if they want to destroy it mentality. I think now that they need someone to be the jerk about it. I am going to stay with them for a few weeks when/if she gets out to take care of her and feed her the 1500 calorie four food group diabetic requirement diet until she can get the hang of it on her own.

Anywho.. thats my ramble for today :)
Thank you all for your kind words and support I love you all for it

I will only be here off and on.. my mom is in icu and on a ventilation machine after a heart attack and pulminary embalism yesterday.. I cant really stay at the hospital as icu is pretty tight security and they dont encourage too much loitering.. so I guess I will go up and back 2 or 3 times and wait by the phone.. they only call me if she gets worse so I will call every hour to see if she is better. They are keeping her heavilly sedated so she doesnt know much when Im there and wont remember anything later which is good. Im going to take my camera and photograph her like this.. If she lives through it Im going to make copies of it so she can remember why she is quitting smoking and dieting and she doesnt know it yet but she quit smoking yesterday!
This is exactly why I had surgery.. she is a beautiul, young and vibrant 57 years old and her body is literally falling apart around her and has been for almost 20 years... and I didn't want to follow that path.
This is just a good reminder of what we need from weight loss. New pretty clothes is a wonderful perk but its the being alive to wear those cute clothes that really counts. I hate to be a downer but this is no shock at all. My mom was diagnosed with diabetes at the age of 25. She has mid section obesity and is likely PCOS even though thats not something she was ever checked out for. She had a few bad diabetic episodes before she was 40 but most of the real problems have occured since then. A short list would include: vascular bypass surgery on both legs (different times,) 30+ unhealing ulcers on her feet, numerous foot bone scrapings, one amputated toe, degeneration of her skin from the thighs down (leathery, plastic looking vertical wrinkles) laser eye surgery 4 times to correct diabetic vision impairment, infections so severe she was at home on a special IV pick line to deliver the strongest antibiotics to her heart 3 different times for as long as 6 months, neuropothy in her legs so severe she is on both fast and long acting morphiene pills, chronic broncitous and breathing problems, high blood pressure... well.. that's enough to get the point.

Dying from obesity would be ok if it were a quick painless death, when we eat ourselves to death it is a long painful journey. People in the world like to pretend this whole WLS thing is vanity and cosmetic, they are idiots. Obesity will kill you if you live long enough and just because the death certificate doesn't list "obesity" as cause of death doesn't mean a damned thing. We tend to focus on what "they" think and say but in the end you must answer to yourself and not "them." Whatever you are doing to get healthy, diet, exercise, surgery don't give up. We talk about failed surgery a lot around here. There is only failure when you give up and there is only regret when you didn't act when you knew you could/should. Those who are discouraged with their weight loss please get help, doctors, nutritionalists, trainers, ministers, support groups, and charity organizations are a good place to look for help if you are feeling too overwhelmed to deal with your unhealthy situation.

Wow another month gone by. Went to the doc and weighed in at 219, 108 pounds gone forever :) My blood work is better than great so no troubles there. My energy is much better this month and I love my new welbutrin meds :) We moved into our new home and are currently in the throes of getting it organized. I love our place its so pretty :)
Not much else to say kinda late and Im tired.
HUGS!
PK

My sis has never been as big as me. She has always fought to stay "just" overweight or at a regular weight though. Hers fluxuated between 135 and 190 over the last 15 years where as mine was 140 and 330. Having trouble trying to lose 20 measley pounds for years can give a "normal" person perspective of how impossibly hard  losing 100 - 200 pounds is. She has seen me stuggle and lose a million times on my own any amount from 10 pounds to 90 and gain it back every single time. I had so many problems she sat down and cried with me 7 years ago when I was 25 and diagnosed with high blood pressure, diabetes and a few other fun illnesses. She was scared I was going to die young and her fears were more on the nose than she thought as I only fell deeper and deeper for the next 7 years. When I made the decision to get RNY she practically jumped through the phone to hug me and offered all of the support I could ever need (especially since between her and hubby there was no one else.)

People with no weight troubles won't and can't get it. Just like people who never smoked don't see the big deal with quitting. I was literally born a smoker and smoked second hand from 2 - 4 chain smokers until I started on my own at 13. I smoked between 30 and 50 cigarettes a day for 10 years. Quitting smoking was so easy compared to losing weight I wouldn't even rank them in the same universe. So when you hear people say cigarettes are more addictive than heroin remember that ;)

Tomorow is the big day, the movers come at 9am and lug the rest of our stuff out of here. I'm super excited and can't believe its happening in many ways. I was 327 pounds pre op. With my mid section obesity I could barely breathe sitting down and woke up several times a night choking on my saliva from my super fat and swollen face and neck. I was in constant back pain and any amount of sitting made me so stiff it took 5 minutes to work the kinks out of my joints, of course by then my back was breaking from holding up my enormous tummy and I needed to rest again. I went out about once a week to help my mom. Basically I drove her around to do her errands and it was terrible. The summer heat, the walking (all 20 feet) and just being outside all made me want to die. 

I actually moved into my current tiny apartment 3 years ago because I was 270 pounds and could no longer take care of our 3 floor home. The last time I mowed the lawn I had pain in my legs, a dizzy head, head ache and was seeing the world in blue static. Ashamed of my obesity I refused to quit and finished the job but went into the house had a sip of water and then slept for a day. I imagine something like a mini stroke had happened (not the first time) and again shame kept me from doing anything rational about it.  The next spring I decided I would rather move than maintain my lawn and gardens for another summer and here we are.

About 3 months after surgery I was able to get around well enough to see how incredibly small my universe had become and began looking online for a new home. I wasnt able to shop for a home before because I couldn't tie my own shoes, get in and out of vehicles without help (unless it was a big truck or van) or do the work required to move (packing etc.) So in Early February I found a great realtor who took me to all of the homes I wanted to see in her tiny echo. I tied and untied my own boots without sitting down in numerous homes and picked out the perfect spot to start living life again.

Tomorow is the official begining to the new life RNY has given me and I couldn't be happier. We all get so caught up in how many calories did I eat today? how long since the scale moved? when am I ever going to get to goal? etc etc.. The real substantial effects of weight loss can't be seen on a scale or fitday.com. They are felt just by being alive and I am really feeling mine today :)

So Im turning off my computer in a couple of minutes until I'm moved and have internet again (tomorow night hopefully) and Im spending the rest of the day packing and getting things ready at the new place. So here's to new lives, new opportunities and new beginings! See you peeps on the other side of mine :)

The sad truth is that people likely to regain are simply likely to regain regardless of the WLS or diets they choose. WLS is a tool and the longer you have it the more worn out it gets. The key to succeeding at RNY is to use the 6 month honey moon phase to develope new habits for life, to use the 18 - 24 month period of normal weight loss to get to goal, to maintain a healthy diet for life and to incorperate some form of physical activity into everyday life.
People rarely "fail" at RNY because the definition of success of any weight loss is to keep more than 50% of your excess weight off for more than 2 years for diets and 5 years for surgeries. All of the people I know consider their RNY a failure because they are still obese. However one is down close to 150 pounds over 10 years later (she never got to goal and had a 50 pound regain from her original 200 pounds lost) the other is 100 pounds lighter 5 years out (she had an 80 pound regain in the second year post op.)
Most of us are fat for a combination of medical and mental reasons. Luckily most medical reasons are diminished by losing weight (diabetes and PCOS both cause weight gain and both get worse with weight gain, vicious cycle.) The mental issues do not get cured from anything but hard work, self awareness and probably some form of therapy. Just restricting the stomach and absorbtion simply isn't enough to cure the root cause of our mental weight gains.
Some people have other problems. Physical limitations to the extent of not being able to exercise at all, diseases not affected by weight loss and RNY surgery failure are some of the ones I hear most. These can mean you never get to goal, you need to work harder at getting to goal or you simply have to have reasonable expectations from the surgery. If you can't walk you need to accept being chubby even after surgery or eat much less than more active people would. If you have RNY failure you NEED to see a surgeon/doctor to fix the problem which many people are scared to do because they think it is their fault and are ashamed.
I personally think being worried you will regain, fail, etc is a good place to be. Knowing that the surgery is NOT infaliable and that you NEED to do your part to get the weight off and keep it off is as good a tool as the surgery itself ;)
Don't get too caught up in numbers and statistics. You are neither, you will get out of WLS everything you put into it. 99% success means nothing if you are the 1% who failed.
Good luck and dont let the negativity get you down. A positive attitude and plan of action are much more worthy investments of your energy. People with no problems rarely have much to say so for every ass you see on here, know there are probably 1000 happy patients just lurking or simply enjoying their new life ;)