LaurieBK

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

Happy Labor Day Weekend!

Okay everyone......tell me that being nervous is normal??!!  I'm finding more and more people that have had the surgery and some have some not-so-pleasant stories to tell.  Let's see......one person who is about 3 to 4 years out became pregnant eight months ago and was so thrilled.  Then she tells me that six months into the pregnancy (this past July) her bowels leaked from the baby pressure.  The bowel matter killed the baby and she had to deliver a stillborn infant.  That was really a nasty horror story.  But, believe it or not, she still says she would do it all over again if she had to.  She was unable to become pregnant before when she was overweight and she's very optimistic that she will be able to have another baby at another time.  I'm not worried about this particular complication -- NO more babies for me -- but it was such a sad story.  Her mother also had the surgery around the same time, has come off the diet, and is gaining weight steadily.  Although this particular issue is not the fault of the surgery, but of the individual, it was still a little discouraging to think about everything you have to go through to have surgery and you could become overweight again.   But, on the flip side, a friend of mine who had the surgery little more than a year ago has lost close to 200 pounds!!  She looks wonderful and has to feel like a million dollars.  I really don't think she has had any complications to speak of.  I guess no matter what, you're always going to find unpleasant stories if you look hard enough.  I just have such a good feeling about the surgery and feel it will be so good for me.  I have a top-notch surgeon who I truly believe is one of the best in the country.  Can't go wrong with a Hopkins doc who pioneered the laparscopic procedure on the East Coast, now can you?!  I'm so sure I'll be successful with the weight loss.  I have to just hold on to that thought.  Oh, and to make you laugh, I also have a friend who is psychic (yeah, really!) tell me that the last time he saw me, he didn't see 'death' around me.  He saw "some discomfort and challenging issues" but nothing worse.  Well, think what you will, but I do believe in this God-given talent and his input really helped me a lot.  Okay, you all can stop laughing now! 

I'm actually in the 30's now.....39 more days till surgery.  Geez, I can't wait for it to get here, but then again, I need time to slow up just a little.  All those that are reading and researching and looking at Before & After pictures.....keep it up.  They truly are incentive and I'm so grateful for the courageous people out there that are willing to expose the very core of their being to complete strangers like me just to inspire.  Take care, friends!

Before I start on my life, let me say CONGRATULATIONS TO LINDA!  I'm so happy for you!!!  Its so nice to go through this with someone else!  We have so much to look forward to.  Next summer is all ours girl!  We need to get started on those Victoria Secrets credit cards!

Now, for me, it's been a pretty rough week.  My friend let the cat out of the bag and told me (and that's putting it nicely), that he didn't want me having the surgery.  He's afraid I'll die during the operation.  Then, if I survive, he's afraid that after I lose weight, I will no longer want to be his friend.  I tried to persuade him otherwise, but all he would say was 'we'll see.'  I was so frustrated and spent two days crying.  Why on earth didn't he tell me all this back in March before I started this whole process?  I've gone through so much to get to this point.  For God's sake, I only have 42 more days til surgery!  Well, I will do my best to convince him that I am doing this for health reasons.  I hope he will come around to see my way of thinking.  I have to do this or I won't be around five years from now.  No one could possibly understand how a morbidly obese person feels unless they've walked in their shoes.  The joint pain, joint swelling, lower back pain, edema in my lower legs, chronic headaches, shortness of breath, and constant fatigue let alone the hypertension, pre-diabetes, gastric reflux, and pancreatitis.  The heart is a wonderful piece of human machinery.....it's quite fascinating and nothing short of a miracle.  But it has its limits.  I have to get healthy, or my heart won't last much longer.  I want to see my kids grow up and be successful.  I want to be happy with myself.  Who knows, maybe someday I'll be able to stand nude in front of a mirror and not bust in to tears.  I truly feel as though the first day of my new life will begin on October 12th.  I just hope the people I care about the most will be there to help me through.

Well, I received my biopsy results today from my upper endoscopy.  If I hadn't called, they surely wouldn't have.  They told me that the biopsy showed significant inflammation in the lining of my stomach, but that I should be fine to proceed with surgery.  Kind of explains some of the discomfort I've had.  But, alas, surgery is still a go!  I just hope Dr. Schweitzer doesn't find reason to postpone after reading the results.  But if my GI guy thinks it's okay, I'm sure he will too.  I guess now the real countdown starts.....49 days to go!

Hi gang!  Well, I can honestly say I'm having my first case of 'nerves.'  Late last week, it actually hit me and I asked "what in the hell am I doing."  Why on earth am I going to mess what Mother Nature already made perfect (well.....perhaps a little too perfect!)?  If it ain't broke, don't fix it, right?  I know this is perhaps normal and perhaps I was just having a difficult couple of days, but damn, what on earth am I getting ready to do???!!!!  It seems as though that I'm getting a lot of negative reactions from the very few people I'm choosing to tell.  They all have a not-so-nice story to share with me about people they know who have had the procedure.  The best thing for me to do is look at more before and after pictures for incentive and just hang in there.  I'm doing this for a reason, and I can't lose sight of the end goal.  I WILL make it! 

I must be in a very thoughtful, deep mood of late....LOL!  Yesterday's message was truly heartfelt, but more needs to be said.  It amazes me as I read nightly through the many profiles, the support that morbidly obese people seem to offer one another.  Only we can truly understand what it is like and the struggles that each of us have faced over many, many years.  Perhaps it is unfair, but I have always said that the hard work of weight loss isn't in the losing, but it is in the maintaining.  I've probably lost and gained the equivalent of five people in my lifetime and now weigh as much as I ever have.  What a great group of accepting, caring people there are on this site.  I've made a couple of great, life-long friends here (thanks Linda, you're the best.....I promise we will get through this together.....roller coasters and thongs, here we come!!!!!).  I can actually feel the tears we all share with each other's disappointments, the laughter when I read someone has sent naked pictures to their insurance company, and the warmth when someone loses that unhealthy weight and is crying with joy.  I only wish that people were more willing to continue updating their profiles after the weight has come off.  I know that lives must blossom and life gets joyfully busy once that burdensome curse of excess weight has been lost, but it would be so wonderful to read post-op updates, even if only a few a year.  Even if you are not at a place you had hoped to be, it would be nice to know exactly how things are progressing.  I hope that I remember this after my surgery and two years after.  I find I'm very curious as to how people are doing after this life changing event. 

And, I wonder about the struggles people have with support from the people they love.  I find I'm getting mixed reactions.  One of the people I care most about in this world, really won't talk about it with me.  I think it's because he is scared, but I really need to talk about this with him.  I'm not sure if he's afraid of the actual surgery, or what he believes the future may hold, or maybe both.   All I know is that he means the absolute world to me and although I'm doing this for me and not for him, he is unknowlingly giving me the courage to go forth with this procedure.  But there are definitely things I have to say to him before my surgery date rolls around......he'll just have to pacify me and hear me out!  My kids are worried about me and my well being, which is understandable considering they watched their father die just two years ago of that nasty beast cancer.....but when they see and hear what my life may be like afterwards, they tell me they are excited for me.  I have kept very tight-lipped about the surgery, but not for the reasons you may think.  I'm am very proud that I have found the courage to go through such a radical procedure in order to improve my life and longevity.  But I've found that when I tell some people, they give me a look like I've lost my mind.  Well, I feel like I lose my mind everytime I look in a mirror or everytime I let yet another year pass and don't visit my GYN because of the sheer embarrassment of her seeing me naked.  So, although I promise you, I'm not hiding the surgery, I'm also not announcing it to the world either.  Slowly, word is getting out, but not because I'm advertising.  No one would believe the years it has taken me to come to this decision.......all the research (I feel I could almost perform the surgery on myself......sorry Dr. Schweitzer....LOL!), all the talking, and all the debating.  I hate the thought that absolutely anyone, especially someone who has not walked in my extra-wide shoes, would have the nerve to judge me or my decision.  But, I suppose that's what makes the world interesting.......I just can't wait to prove their opinions wrong!

Hi gang!  Not ignoring you, just really have no news to report.  I'm still waiting for the biopsy results from my upper endoscopy, but I'm not allowing myself to worry about them.  If I don't hear by Friday, then I'll give my doc a call.  My only other concern is whether an extension was granted for my surgery approval from my insurance company.  The letter stated I was approved through September 30.....because of the terrific, greatly-in-demand surgeon I have chosen, my surgery was unable to be scheduled until October 12th.  I'm fine with that date, but is my insurance company???  I wonder, but I'm afraid to make the call and find out.

I'm also trying to improve some personal areas prior to surgery.  I've been swimming more to increase my activity level, I've been trying to increase my intake of protein, and I've begun taking Biotin.  My biggest fear after the surgery, believe it or not, is losing my hair......pretty silly, huh?????  I need to lose 130 pounds and all I'm worried about is my hair!  What can I say?  It's the only part of me that I kind of like and I'm not ready to let it go without a fight.  So I'm hoping 1200 mcg of Biotin a day, beginning now, will help.

Other than this, I'm just passing away the time.  I can be driving down the road and begin to calculate the days left until surgery......or sitting at my desk at work.......or folding laundry........or peeing.......LOL!  I understand now why it can consume you.  I am so anxious to begin the rest of my life.  I don't want a super-model body.  I SERIOUSLY doubt you will ever read my profile and find that I'm seeking plastic surgery, unless it is truly medically indicated.  I just want to stop feeling so terrible and disliking myself so much.  Unless you've been there, you could not possibly understand the loneliness that obesity causes.  Oh, I'll be the first to admit that I always try to be the first one in a group to crack a fat joke about myself, but after I do it, I'm crying inside.  Don't ever fool yourself into thinking that it is okay to make a joke to someone about how big they are because they do it themselves all the time........if we do it first, it kind of takes the sting away in a strange sort of way.    It amazes me that a little five year old child could reduce my heart to tears just by telling his mommy that "she's really fat."  A car load of teens passing me by as I walk on the sidewalk, taunting me by hanging their heads out of the car window and 'mooing' at me as they go by, can put me in an tear-filled depression that will last for weeks.  Almost every morning, I stand in front of my mirror naked, and through tears, wonder how this ever happened and how anyone could ever stand to look at me.  I can't stand to look at myself without almost gagging in disgust.   I wonder everyday how the person I love can tolerate what I've done to myself.  The pain that rips through you is unreal.  And, sure, thin people will automatically read something like this and say, "well, do something about it then."  Unless they've been here, they have NO clue what they're saying.  I can honestly say I am finally trying to do something about it.  Drastic circumstances unfortunately call for drastic measures.....even if those measures include altering your physical make-up for the rest of your life.  It's a last-resort decision that does not come lightly, nor does it rest easily on your mind, but it is a decision that is derived after years of trying and desperation.  Finally, there is hope.    My heart fills with joy everytime I read on this sight that someone has made the decision to go forth with this life changing tool, or that someone has been approved for surgery by their insurance company (whether easily or not), or that a surgery day has arrived and all went well.  And of course, the hope that reading profiles of successful 'losers' brings to me is immeasureable.  All I can offer to everyone out there in the same boat as I is to perservere and hang in there.  There is hope and there is a way out.  It will take work, both physical and emotional, but you can get there.  Small words coming from someone who hasn't had their surgery yet, but true ones nonetheless!   Thanks to everyone who has the courage to stand naked on this site and bare their very souls.  It is you that gives courage to beginners like me and gives hope that there really will be a tomorrow!

Yeah!  The upper endoscopy is done!  My GI doc is so good to me.  He knows how much I panic when they numb my throat and he gave me so much medication, I don't remember a thing!  NOTHING!  I had the test this morning at 9:00 and next thing I know, I'm in my bed waking up at 4:45 this afternoon!  God bless the creators of Versed and Demerol!  He did a couple of biopsies, which is fairly routine, but otherwise, he cleared me for surgery!  This is the last thing I should have to do until the normal pre-op procedures and that won't be until the end of September.  Now I can concentrate on getting ready for the big day. 

I have started trying different protein drinks in hopes of finding one that I'll be able to tolerate in the long term.  I really like the Carnation Instant Breakfast No-Sugar Added drink.  Tough time finding it at first though......if you're looking try to find the Ovaltine and Hot Chocolate mix.....that's where it was located in my grocery store.  I've also gotten some canisters of protein supplements to try from GNC.  I ordered sample packs from Unjury which I hope to try this weekend.  Unjury also sent me some very useful information about protein and a few great recipes for the Unjury product.  I was pretty impressed......although I know they want my business.  I'll have to let my palatte decide that one!  I'll be sure to let you know!  Happy journey everyone!

Tomorrow I have to have my upper endoscopy.  Ugggghhhhh.....I hate those things.  I get so panicked when they adminster the spray to numb your throat.  I am so dreading it.  I dread it more than the actual bypass.  But I guess this is all part of it.  I said I would do anything to have this surgery done, and I'm being put to the test.  My gastroenterologist is kind of protective of pancreas......he more or less saved my life more than 12 years ago, and he doesn't want me doing anything that would jeopardize the health of my pancreas.  So, I'll do as they say.....it will be sort of nice knowing that everything is okay and the surgery is a go!  This time tomorrow it will be all over with!

 

Woo hoo!!!  I have a date!  My letter arrived yesterday and I called Debbie today.  October 12th!  The first day of the rest of my life will begin on October 12th!  Wow.....I'm so excited.  I have a few things to wrap up beforehand, but it should be no problem.  I have to meet with the anesthesia evaluation team, have a pre-op physical exam, EKG, chest-x-ray and blood work.  That's all scheduled for the end of September.  Sounds like a long time from now, but I suppose the way time flies it's really not!  Once I found out this was really going to happen, I went on line and purchased some samples of Unjury protein supplements.  I also need to start a list of things I need to have on hand before the surgery......vitamins, Biotin, jello, Crystal Light.....the list just goes on.  But in the end it will be all worth it.  Now, I suppose it is time to compose my list of things that will make all of this effort worthwhile.......

**After I have surgery, I will be so thrilled to................

..........be able to go to a baseball game and not worry if I'm going to fit in the seats.

.........be able to eat in a restaurant without worrying about who's watching me and what I put in my mouth.

..........be able to eat in a restaurant and not worry if I'll be able to fit in the booths.

..........be able to go to the movies and not worry about their seats.

..........be able to go to my children's school and not worry if they are embarrassed by me.

.........not be teased by little kids.....and actually allowing those little kids to make me cry.

..........go to the mall, or a carnival, or a fair and not sweat like a pig and becoming extremely overheated to the point of unconsciousness and exhaustion.

..........be able to go to the doctor's office and not refuse the weigh in.

..........have my yearly GYN checkup without crying about it days ahead of time because of what they will think when they see me naked.

..........not have my knees ache so bad that I'm in tears.

.........make love with all my clothes off......well, maybe not that one.

..........swim with my kids in our pool during the daylight hours.

..........go to the mall and park at the far end without wondering how I'll ever make it back.

..........go to a class reunion and not be ashamed.

..........go out in crowds of people I know and not feel paranoid about what they are saying about me.

..........just one morning, stand in front of my bathroom mirror without crying.

..........look nice in clothes.

..........just love me.

Nope......still no letter stating approval.  I did call the insurance company back last evening though just to make sure I had heard them right.  Maybe it will be here tomorrow or Debbie (Dr. S's secretary) will get if first and be able to schedule my surgery SOON!