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I have been up and down on the scale this week, by as much as three pounds.  Gratefully, this morning, the scale shows a net gain of only one pound. 

I finally broke down and bought new underwear.  It was low on the priority list, since usually I’m the only one who sees it.  But my underwear had become so baggy, I just HAD to get some.  Now here comes the amazing part.  I used to wear a size 12 or 26/28.  This week I bought size 8.  They’re too big!!!

This experience has been eye opening.  More than our bodies change.  We change as people.  We become more demanding, more discerning.  We feel less likely to accept what is thrown our way and more inclined to state what we want and what we will and will not accept.  The transformation is happening to me.  I’m sure it’s a good thing, but I’m not sure that I like it yet. 

Case in point:  since two weeks post surgery, I’ve been dating a nice man named Richard.  Richard is without question one of the sweetest men God ever put on this planet.  He is thoughtful, selfless, caring, doting, intelligent, and good through and through.  And today I broke up with him. 

He is a wonderful man.  He’s just not the right man for me.  I want all the things he has to offer, but I want much more.  And I am beginning to believe that I actually deserve more, which I don’t think I’ve ever felt in my adult life. 

Richard, while being a sweetheart, has no future.  He takes care of his elderly parents, who live with him.  He has no job, no prospects of a job, no education, no ambition, no drive, and no plans for his future.  To make matters worse, as I continue to lose weight, he cannot keep up with me physically; day trips to theme parks are often spent on benches while he catches his breath from the exertion of walking.  I’m becoming more and more fit and sadly, he is not keeping pace with me. 

I feel bad about it because breaking up with him hurt him badly.  He’s such a sweet soul that the idea of breaking up with him tears me to shreds.  But he’s been unknowingly manipulative—telling me that I’m the reason he no longer needs to see his therapist, and the like.  It’s a subconscious ploy to get me to continue dating him by tugging at my heartstrings and laying a guilt trip on me.  I had to end it; it was an unhealthy situation for me.  I couldn’t tell him that because I didn’t want to hurt him worse, and moreso, I didn’t tell him because to do so would give him a foothold into a chance to say, “Oh, I won’t do that again, just please don’t break up with me.” 

I want more than he can offer.  The smaller I get, the more I want.  I’m not as willing to settle for whatever is thrown my way. 

This past week, I put two pounds on and took them off again.  But most importantly, I lost even more.  I’ve broken the 200 barrier!  I weigh 198.4.  I’m still overweight, but I’m starting to realize that I’m not as overweight as I perceive myself to be.  I get lots of compliments now and I think I’ve been getting more attention from passing strangers of the male persuasion. 
 

I think I may get brave and shop for a swimsuit this weekend.  Shopping for swimwear is possibly the most humiliating and demoralizing thing a woman can ever do.  But I’d like to have a nice swimsuit to wear to the gym.  The one I currently have is a size 3X and is just too big.  I also desperately need to buy underwear.  Most of the underwear I have is baggy on me now. 
 

It’s hard to imagine that it has just been under four months since I started this journey, and I’m really starting to see radical changes.  It is time to revisit the wish list and see which items I can now check off: 
 

1.  Not cringing at turnstiles—DONE

2.  Walking comfortably through the center aisle of a schoolbus

3.  Throwing out my diabetic meds—DONE

4.  Sitting in a single-unit schooldesk with room between my belly and the desk—DONE

5.  Not needing a seatbelt extender on airplanes

6.  Not being the fattest one in the room—DONE

7.  Being able to walk the Yale Loop

8.  Buying naughty things from Frederick’s and Victoria’s Secret

9.  Going for a haircut and not feeling embarrassed when they pump/raise the chair

10. Asking the salesgirl to find it in a smaller size

11. Choosing any seat I want, not just the one that looks sturdy

12. Turning heads

13. Crossing my legs—DONE

14. Not having waistbands or bras cut into my flesh

15. Being picky about clothes

16. Dancing without everything bouncing

17. Reading the scale by looking straight down

18. Not being afraid of the scale in any doctor’s office—DONE

19. Flirting and not looking like a fool

20. Wearing sexy shoes

21. Not feeling like a freak at swimming pools and beaches

22. Handing off my fat clothes to someone—DONE

23. Borrowing skinny clothes from someone—DONE

24. Being able to wrap a regular sized towel all the way around me at the gym

25. Not having to wedge my ass into the seats at a baseball stadium or hockey arena

26. People not recognizing me

27. A man loaning me his jacket out of chivalry, and the jacket is way too big on me

28. Really wondering, “Do these jeans make my butt look fat?” without already knowing the answer

29. Not shying away from cameras

30. Not wondering, as a man picks me up and twirls me around, whether I’ve just given him a hernia.

Miracles generally only happen in times of antiquity and, by definition, only in a religious context.  When we think about miracles, they are usually in bible stories…the parting of the red sea, the oil in the Old Temple lasting for eight days, curing the blind and crippled, and walking on water, to name a few. 

However, this very day, I myself witnessed a miracle firsthand.  Moreover, it is unrelated to any faith, which makes it even purer and of greater importance to me.  When I saw it, the magnitude and impact of witnessing it left me in a state of utter shock; I stood wide-eyed, incredulous, speechless, and awe-struck. 

For the first time in my life, I weigh what my driver’s license says I do.  If that’s not a miracle, I don’t know what is.

I lost another two pounds.  That means I’ve lost 54 in all so far.

Down one half pound. 

I’m down 51.5 lbs.  I saw my brother today and he was astounded at the physical change.  He says I lost my ass! 

We went to Legoland.  We walked and walked and walked, and I didn’t get tired once! 

Yesterday I had my 12 week postop check.  I learned that I’m definitely eating too fast.  It turns out that, as a teacher, I’m lucky if I get 35 minutes for a lunch, and so the solid food I’m eating just doesn’t have enough time to pass through my system.  I’ve been putting too much into the Lean Pocket.  If this continues, I’ll undo all the good that’s been done. 

The P.A. I saw suggested that instead of solid food for lunch, I do a yogurt or some other Stage Two puree style food, which can be ingested at a slightly faster pace.  That way, I don’t feel rushed, I get in some protein, and I’m not damaging myself. 

I tried it out today and it worked like a charm.  I did a pint of milk with Carnation for breakfast.  I had a cup of yogurt for lunch.  I snacked on some soy nuts on the drive home, and I’m going out with a friend for dinner.  I feel better physically, and I’m relieved as well psychologically. 

I’m glad I went.

I’ve been really bad about testing my blood sugar regularly.  So this morning I tested it.  103!!!  Twelve weeks ago, it was 280! 

Yesterday, I bought a pair of really pretty jeans.  I bought them very tight so that I’ll be able to wear them a few weeks.  Unbelievably, they’re a size 18.  I haven’t been a size 18 in decades.  Literally, in DECADES.  Gratefully, my best friend loaned me some of her clothes in a size 18/20, so I won’t have to spend too much money in the next few weeks. 

I’ve found that there are some foods that are simply wonderful for me.  King crab legs are one of them.  Loaded with protein, no sugar, and low fat.  Even with a drizzle of real butter on them, I seem to do very well.  The problem is that my little boy cat wants my dinner!  I share, of course, but he doesn’t want to wait ten minutes between bites! 

But yesterday, for the first time in about 3 weeks or so, I had a pint of 2% milk with Carnation Instant Breakfast for my lunch.  I must have taken it in too fast, because within minutes, I was in distress—heart beating hard, sweating, slightly nauseous.  Even though I was at my gym, I found an easy chair and fell asleep for about an hour until I was well enough to do my workout.  I guess I’m still struggling with eating speed.

I’m now down 50 lbs., 12 weeks postop.