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From my previous posts, I was a little concerned that I was tracking a little behind the weight loss chart on this website.  I was getting behind a little more after the first 3 months.  I had a feeling my birth control had something to do with it so I went off it.  Guess what.  I am at 183 where I should be at by 4 months.  I had 5 days to spare.  Now I know that is only a guideline of average weight loss, but I am a very goal oriented person so it makes me push myself harder to succeed at this.  This does work.  I am mostly in size 14 clothes, although a few size 12's and size 16's fit.  It's amazing how size 14 clothes from different designers fit so differently.  I have been on a major shopping spree right now because it is so fun to fit into normal clothing.  I've got to get it into control though.  I am sifting through all my designer clothes and feeling a need to clean out.  Some things that never fit are too high rise or doesn't fit like it should.  I never knew because I never had them fit but just bought them because they were on sale.  So here is where I am today.  The bad part is my double D's are getting very droopy.  Time to look at the cost of a boob lift.

Today it has been officially 3 months since I had my surgery which seems so long ago.  I am down 50 lbs and feel so much better.  It is so much fun to have my clothes get to big on me and then I am humbled when I get down to the next size in my wardrobe and it is too tight and my stomach fat is hanging over the waistband.  Then I realize I still have a ways to go and alot of fat still hanging around me.  I just keep plugging along though.  I thought I would never get this far because I seemed to be such  a slow loser.  I thought I would be one of those who only lost a total of 55 lbs and that was it.  But now I have faith in the process.  I'm beginning to want sweets again which makes me scared.  I bought those little mini robin eggs for easter and allow myself 2-3--it's the minis ok.  I think it is better to allow little treats in moderation or I will oneday go ballistic and want to binge.  I was bullimic for 4 years of my life so I've learned not to label foods good or bad.  So here is where I am at 3 months:

--started at 242 and now weigh 192
--wore a size 18-20 and now wear 14-16 with a few 12 tops if stretchy
--lost alot of inches but too lazy to add them all up
--work on my feet all day and come home to feet that do not hurt at all
--Can sit on my boyfriend's lap without totally squishing him
--Eat healthier
--jumpstarted my shopping addiction (bad)

mostly good stuff but also need to watch the shopping

Night

And that's no joke! (april's fool day)

This is the week I don't take a birth control pill and of course, I alway lose more when I am off those darn things and I lost 6 lbs this week.  That puts me at 194 and I'm feeling like I hit one of my first big goals.  Also, I have decided not to go back on the pill right now because I feel so strongly about not losing as fast when I am on it, that I want to take advantage of this period when it is going to be the easiest to lose this weight.  W'ell see if it makes a difference and I will report my findings.

I have to say I am feeling so much better about myself.  It is so exciting to get dressed in the morning and am just starting to fit into my massive wardrobe.  All the clothes seem new since they all still have their tags on them although they have been around for awhile.  I am now wearing mostly a size 16 with a few 14's thrown in.  I was at this weight a few years ago and it feels good to be back however, I think the fun will really begin when I get lower than I have been for a loooooong time.  My next big goal is 170 lbs.  This will put me below my boyfriend's weight of 173 and at a weight I havn't been since the 80's.  

I work in retail and I had my record month in sales and I wonder if it is my new attitude or energy level that is propelling me.  People seem to respond alot more positively to my suggestions plus I am dressing and looking alot cuter.  I don't know but at least I am making a little more money to finance my out of control shopping.

Today is March 5 and physically I am doing pretty good.  I can tell I am beginning to like my body again.  Yesterday my boyfriend Brian, my best friend Brigette and I went on a 5 mile hike in the mountain.  We are blessed with great hiking in the bay area and only about 15 minutes away.  For once, I hiked no problem even outlasting 125 lb Brigette. 

Now it is confession time.  This is painful to admit but in my life I always dealt with two addictions.  The first, of course, is food.  I am a totally emotional eater and have been trained well since the beginning of my time to deal with pain through food.  Well, for now, I am dealing with that.  As far as eating correctly and healthy, taking my vitamins, liquid--I'm doing great.  I am also lucky  to be evenly distributed and don't look as heavy as my weight.  So already I'm feeling alot better about the way I look and feel.  When I lose 5 more pounds, I will be 199lbs. My next mini goal.

Now for my other addiction.  I am a shopaholic.  No this isn't a funny ha ha shopaholic but one that I turn to for the same reasons I do food.  I find that now that I can fit into clothes again, I can't stop my compulsive shopping.This has gotten me in trouble before and about 6 years ago I declared bancruptcy after shopping myself way over my head when I couldn't deal witha turbulent relationship.  So now I have learned to live on my paycheck, put away 10% of my earnings to 401k and have 1 credit card to try to build up my once perfect credit again.  But to make matters worse, I work for a designer specialty store that sell Oscar de la Renta,  Christian le Boutain shoes etc. (think sex and the city).  I worked all my life in retail starting at Nordstrom then to Nieman Marcus and now this high end store.  Taking advantage of discounts and last call sales, I have built quite the designer wardrobe that could be worth the cost of a house and in Silicon Valley, which is saying alot since houses are the most expensive here than mosty anywhere else in the US.  I am now again finding that I'm spending most of my salary on new clothes even though I have quite the wardrobe waiting for me in size 10's and 12's.  Yes, this is also the sick part, I bought all these clothes in sizes that don't even fit me and never had.  I had been close at times after dieting but never got the last 25 lbs off to actually wear them.  I think this is as bad as a problem as my eating.  I have to have instant gratification and I do not know how to tell myself no.  I really feel I need to go into therapy because I am again transferring my pain or boredom into shopping now instead of eating.  I need to do something before this ruins my relationship.  We split everthing but I am  living on the edge because I spend my check until it is gone and am living in wait for the next one.  I make a pretty good amount so I should be saving more and use it for other passions like travel and get aways.  This is definately a problem resurfacing and I need to deal with this too before it get's out of control.  I'm feeling realy bad today because I just shopped again --granted at Target but still bought 3 swim suits (because I am feeling better about the bod)  When you work with price points like I do, Target feels like the goodwill.  I know so many people post on this site about the bargains they get on clothes and I feel like such a glutton.  This is a problem that I need to deal with.  I think I need figure out what I am feeling to understand why I need to mask it with food and shopping.  Then I need to find another activity like exercise to replace the eating and shopping.  I will soul search farther because I need to not do this anymore.  I am rambling on the computer and I feel better that I put my guilt into words.  If anybody ever sees this and has dealt with this problem, maybe you have some words of wisdom.  Life is a contant grown and I'm working to be better. 

OK  Yesterday was my birthday and I turned 46.  Yes I'm over the hump on my way to 50.  The problem is--I feel about the same I did as when I was in my 20's.  Age is alot different then what you think in your 20's--it's all relative.  My immature attitude probably helps.  I'm the only 46 year old I know that will admit that MTV is my favorite tv channel.  

Brian, my boyfriend of over 3 years took me out to a wonderful restaurant call Evia which is greek.  I had a lamb meatball and a leg of lamb with a sampling of something in philo dough and some greek salad.  It was so good.  We ordered desert since it was my b-day, but told him he would have to eat it.  It was a greek yogurt with sorbet.  I had a teeny taste but was pretty full from all the meat.  I am so glad that I can go out to eat again.  Amazingly, there are very healthy choices at every restaurant I go to so I don't feel deprived.  Funny, I never realized that before since I always ordered the thing that was fried or high in calories because I felt like that tasted the best.  Healthy food tastes good too!

Surprisingly, I got on the scale this morning and lost another pound and a half.  Brian said I should eat Greek food more often.  I am one of those scale addicts and have been this way my whole life.  After not dropping anything last week, the scale has moved down about 6 lbs.
WOW.  My surgeon said I was probably one of those people who don't lose for a while and then drop.  I think everyone at one time at another feels that they are going to be the one person who gastric bypass doesn't work for.  I guess for me it is slow and steady.  My next mini goal is 205 (I'm 210 right now).  Then it will be 199.  Then it will be to get below Brian's weight which is 170.

It is so funny because he and I know I'm obsessed with the scale and I asked him to get on.  He was pulling an attitude because he doesn't think weighing is important and that I was obsessing about his weight too.  I finally told him that one of my goals was to be less weight than him and then he understood.  I love him so much and to share something private--out sex life is getting more adventurous since I now have more flexability and stamina. Today--all is good.

Well its almost 6 weeks since my surgery and i've only lost around 26 pounds so far.  I've officially labeled me a slow loser.  I know I don't eat over 1000 calories a day, get all my protein and at the least 48 oz of water but it is not coming off like I want to.  My scale, which weighs 5 lbs heavier than the doctor's keeps me around 221.  I started back to work last week and I thought being on my feet would help me lose weight faster but not a thing last week.  It was kind of tough to get food and water in so I had to make some adjustments.  I feel the scale moved ever so slightly today.  I will try not weighing so often.

well it has been over two weeks since my surgery and I wish I could say I was in a good place mentally and physically but I am not.  As far as food goes, I am on stage 3 --supposed to be pureed but I have yet to put anything in the blender--I just have a hard time thinking of eating salmon babyfood.  So I am eating the softer foods like cheese, cottage cheese, riccotta cheese, thin sliced deli meats and tuna.  I just make sure I chew really well and I haven't experienced any problems so far.  I was feeling pretty good physically and I was so bored that I did something really stupid--gardending.  I guess the bending over and shoveling irritatated my belly button incision and now every time I go to sit up or stand, it is like my skin is being torn apart.  I went to the urgent care after my friend asked if hernias are a side affect of the operation.  I read on the internet what a hernia was and saw a lot of people had hernia repairs so I freaked out thinking I gave myself a hernia.  So the urgent care at Palo Alto Medical Foundation where I go sent me up to the surgery department where they told me there was no hernia just an irritated insicion and to take it easy in the next two weeks.  My surgeon just happened to be there and they said he wanted to see me.  I was so embarrassed because I tend to overdo it sometimes.  I did drop into the 220's which should make me happy.  I bought a new scale since my old one weighed me 10 lbs lighter and now I dicovered this one weighs me 5 lbs heavier.  I guess it is better going to the doctor's office weighing less than you think.

I think I miss food.  My life revolved around the joy of food and now there is no joy in mudville or should I say Nadine'ville.  My boyfriend and I use to go out on date night and try a new restaurant every Saturday.  At work, lunch was my sanctuary.  Every night my bf and I would eat dinner togeather but he eats so late, I changed my schedule and we don't have that.  I think my life revolved around the next meal.  That was my beacon and now I don't have that, I'm kind of lost.  Everyone else seems to be doing so well and yet I'm depressed and if you knew me, that is not the kind of person I am.  I am a doer and I don't usually get down on myself.  I did this for my health yet right now I don't feel so energetic.  This is how I feel right now.  I lost my best friend and I'm in mourning.  Hopefully I look back and think what a hard time and glad that is not my mindset anymore but right now I'm just blue.

Ok  I am in mourning over the loss of food.  I haven't broken down or cried or anything but I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sick of the semi liquid diet.  I actually get nauseated thinking of eating another protein shake or creamed soup.  I ate an egg this morning--I know that is the next stage but I wanted to see how my body would do and it doesn't seem to be a problem.  I miss going out to dinner on Saturday night with my boyfriend.  I miss even healthy foods.  I'm off for six weeks and that is all I think about is food.  I read alot, take walks and listen to audible books I clean and shop but food is still always on my mind.  Help me get through this

3 days post op and I'm feeling pretty good.  My stomach hurts a liitle bit but not enough for pain medicine.  I need to go walking and I think a little stroll around the mall sounds good.  I feel all I do is drink liquids all day which is what I have to do to get them all in.  I started a tally method.  I sat and watched my boyfriend crunch cheerios and it smelled so good,  Its weird but although I am full, I feel hungry.  Is it possible that my unused stomach is now having ghost hunger (lke amputees still feel an itch on their leg that is no longer there). I guess my system is working ok because I pee alot and had a very liquidy bowel movement ewwwwwwwwwwww.  I just keep looking at stage 2 and focus on the future.

I just got released from the hospital and I am back home.. I went to admissions and waited awhile and then got called in to get ready for surgery.  Of couse, this would have to be the day I started my period and I had to wear disposable underwear and a great big pad.  After asking me 10 times if I was allergic to anything, my surgeon, Dr. Anwar came to see me.  He is not very talkative and asked if I had any question (no most of them were pretty much answered by now) he left.  My anesthesiologist came in and he was funny and we were joking and laughing (because my boyfriend can't stand the sight of blood).  The next thing was I was rolled into the operating room and then I was waking up from the surgery.  I didn't feel cold or nauseated but there was a heaviness on my chest like I was afraid I was going to have a heart attack.  They told me when they did lap surgery, they fill you up with gas and that wold eventually go away when you pass gass.  Well this pain caused me to hit the morphine button every 10 minutes--I just kept waiting for the light to go back on.  That got me somewhat through the next couple hours but then I think I started getting nauseated from that so I stopped for awhile.  They kept giving me medicine for nausea and pain and finally at 4am we decided to walk around to get rid of the gas.  That really worked.  The next day I was still a little nauseated and went to get testes to make sure all the insision were closed and had to take a sip of some nast radioctive tasting liquid yech.  After they deemed my solid, I was able to start upon the liquid diet which went well.  Now I am home and feel pretty good.  I am trying to get y 2oz in evvery 15 minutes--I found a 2oz shot glass and that's working well so far.