yazzzy

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Its probably that I am hungover but whatever, I do......I am ready for love, for a relationship..for something.  I am an impatient person but have laid dormant for 2 years while i travel down this road.  I focused on the surgery and on school but now I am emerging as a butterfly and I feel soo confused right now.  It's not liek there hasn't been interest...there has...but none of them are getting to the point where anything serious could materialize.  I am wondering if i am destined to be alone or seen solely as a "fun time girl".

I am seeing a few people, all of whom have desireable qualities in a potential mate but for some reason I still feel unworthy.  Am I the one holding myself back from things silently while blaming it on them?  I am severealy confused right now and am taking little things way to hard.  My ego is a bit wounded because I can't have the one that I want right now.....

right now, all I can do is sit here, hurt and sad for almost no reason, wondering why I can't have what I want.  I bent towards the pressures of society and had this surgery so I could look like the rest and be healthy...If i have gone through all of that...aren't I too worthy of love?

or at least it felt like it.  I ate some walnuts for dinner.  about 15 minutes later, the pain came rolling in.  I felt like i was floating and i was in a drunken haze.  I was stumbling around the house and felt like someone had knocked the wind out of me.  Breathing was strained and I couldnt drink water till the food had cleared the pouch.  2 hours later, I was still rolling around in agony.  i took my blood sugar to see if that would tell me anything and it was at 101.  Finally after talking to a friend who had had the surgery, I determined that I was going to have to go to the ER and get my stimach pumped.  Then it happened...my mother said I went limp and passed out.  

My poor little mommy sat there and watched me sleep for hours making sure I was ok.  I awoke several hours later wondering what the heck had happened.  I went home and hydrated.  Today I still feel a bit off, like my body was put through rigors never endured before.....

I am soo thankful that all that passed without major incident......

I have been eating healthy but have noticed that my appetite is sneaking back in.  I am 4 months out and am eating like 1/2 cup of food which is alarming me.  I am going to the gym and feel almost like my body needs it.  I have just about hit the 75lb mark as well and the saggs are starting to set in......

I am getting worried that I am just going to up and screw this up somehow..........

well, I am finally back in the dating scene again and it has been interesting to say the least.  Ex boyfriends are noticing the chang ein me as are new and different people.  I love the attention since it is something that has been lacking for so long and I feel on top of my game in a way, but in a way, I feel as though it is a house of cards that is about to fall.  

I told myslelf that I was having this suregery to look better for myself and get healthy...which is what I have been doing...but also another reason was to attract a man of quality.  Not someone who lives with their parents and works at trader joe's.  I am finding myself slipping back into old habits where i find someone interested in me and grab ahold of them because I am insecure to the point where I think i can't get any better.

And then I even wonder why these substandard men are even paying attention to me in the first place.  I feel like my mind is playing tricks on me.  I feel huge in my body again even though im loosing the weight.  I wonder if people can really notice a difference or if this is some cruel joke that someone is playing on me.

It is time for me to stop playing the games and meet someone of quality and move on with my life.  I am getting too old for these childish relationships.  I want to get married and find love...I'm tired of wasting time with things that are sub-par.....

I guess I am just having a really down week for some reason...Can't really pinpoint it but I just am not comfortable in my body again.  I need the last 60 to pack up and move the hell out.

I have lost 70lbs to date.  For 3 months out, that is pretty good.  I look at myself in the mirror sometimes and cannot tell the difference in myself from 70lbs ago.  and then i think that I only have 60 more to go and I wonder if it will be enough....will I even be able to get the last of it up.  And meanwhile, although I eat the proper foods and avoid everythign bad...I wonder if i will stay here or continue to move down the scale.  

I am currently a size 16 in pants and a large in tops.  My thighs wont go anywhere, theya re these two stumps that jiggle all over the damn place and I'm gettign frustrated.  I am living at the gym on the elliptical machine and swimming as much as I can but it doesnt seem to be good enough for me.

I am jsut having one of those days i guess when nothing is good enough.  When I first started out, i thought i'd look soo much different after loosing this much weight...but I'm still fat, just plain ole fat yasmine.

I hope that I can actually get down to a size 4 like so many of the people on this site, but today...I am having my doubts.....

Well, Ive done it....I officially weigh under 200lbs...a first for me in 10 years and I have lost 65lbs which means I am halfway to my goal of loosing 130 lbs.  It amazing.  I feel wonderful and my self confidence is through the roof.  Men are approaching me and have taken interest in me.  i am on top of the world!

I weight 203 as of today......I havent weighed this much in about 10 years.  I feel soo confident and my fire has come back.  I feel invincible and ready to take life byt he horns again! 

its funny, my mind is playing weird tricks on me.  I feel self confident, yet i still feel big.  my clothes are all swimming on me, but for some reason i cannot get it out of my head that i am no longer a 22/2x.  Its amazing to see how much weight I have dropped and I am soo thankful that everything went well.  I am soo excited about  hitting the 50 lbs mark and then finally weighing under 200 lbs for the first time in about 8 years.....