yazzzy

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So I got closure today.  It came in the form of a rather abrupt email but I needed it.  Oddly, even though the news was crushing, its almost like I needed it..........

Ok so here are my goals...I need to write them down somewhere to remind me of what I am trying to accomplish.......

-go to my first AA meeting tomorrow night
-start seeing a therapist
-get my transcripts ready and get back into USF
-clean the clutter out of my house and my life
-excersize for at least 20 mins a day
-stop looking for love, it will find me when its time
-get back into real estate
-stop partying so goddamn much


I think that is a pretty good start.  I am glad im trying to get back into school, i think i just need to get my life rolling and get it done!

I'm going to my first meeting, I'm taking the first step.  Im going to an AA meeting this Wednesday to see if this is the correct outlet for me to express some of my pain and confusion.  I am also going to start to see a therapist in hopes of alleviating some of this dreaded anxiety.  I have been on a steady stream of vallium for about a month now and am tired of this drug induced haze.  It cures th attacks but only for a short time.  I need someone who understands me, and someone who can guide me.

In the meantim, it is time to start thinking about the fall school schedule.  I want to transfer schools and get back into USF so i think that its time for that...no matter how much it costs me.  I am also throwing myself into b ooks nad studying for my real estate exam.  I just need to get my mind off of things....especially him.

I dont know why I am still so hung up on him.  He was the forst person in years that I actuallyliked and now i think he is seeing someone new....after telling me that he couldnt get into a relationship...that he wasnt emotioanlly aailable.  Now i think he is seeing someone new and I take that to mean that there really is something wrong with me.  I wasnt good enough.  I'm still not good enough, and that hurts.

Part of me just wants to give up altogether and throw mysef into different things to forget.......Im just confused...i need to make a decision and stick ith it.......its my time to do things right, and the door is slowly closing...time to get it done.....

I know it sounds stupid and destructive but it is how I am dealing with what happened to me last night.

So I have been trying my hand at the whole San Francisco dating experience.  After the dose I got last night, I think I am done for a while.  So I go out and meet a 47 year old.  We had chatted a bit and seemed to jive well on the phone so we decided to meet.  So he comes and he is witty, semi attractive and we start talking.  Anyways, in the middle of the conversation (mind you I don't tell people I have had this surgery, I don't want to answer a million questions about it on the first date) He grabs my waist and tells me that I am an "ample woman, and that I may look cute if I lost 60lbs".  Mind you my goal weight of 130lbs is 40lbs away.

I burst into tears and flew from the bar and went home to cry myself to sleep.  It is just sad to think that I have come all this way and I am still not good enough.  Today I am drinking only fat free milk and broth.  I know it is unhealthy but it is better than gorging myself which was my old coping mechanism for a traumatic event such as this.

It is so sad to think that there are such hateful people out there in the world......

It feels like the world is bottoming out sometimes and that I can't catch my breath.  They are getting better though.  I am hoping things wille ven out soon.  i figured out that the alcohol I was using to self-medicate was making them worse.  

I have started working out everyday and am laying off the alcohol.  I am going to try to give this a shot and do it the right way.  I am also dating again.  This time I am reverting back to old habits and dating men that are over 40.  Not sure if this is the answer for me but we will have to see how that goes.

I have determined that I need to get a journal and just start jotting down my thoughts and ideas.  I always thought it was silly to keep a diary and now it seems like the best tool to help me get my thoughts out and release my inner demons.

It is funny, I am used to being so strong for friends and loved ones, and this time, I am the one in dire need of help.  I am fighting a battle internally with myself and do not want to believe that I am struggling.  Its like I am not in control of my body or thoughts anymore and am a mere bysetander watching myself function.  It is hard to describe.  I do think that things are a bit better though.

I refuse to go to a therapist.  I don't feel that they could have the proper insight into my ordeal and what I have gone through.  I have been taking differennt psych courses since I was 15 and have been fascinated by the study of the human mind and its workings.  I used to dream of being a psychiatrist although i never finished the proper schooling.  Alas, I can be open and honest with myself and fully recognize the trauma that I am experiencing and the proper measures that I need to take to fix my life.

The one thing I am proud of my self for is the ability to recognize where I am failing and strive to correct things.  It may take a few tries but in the end, I usually make my way down the right path.

When I think of all of the things I have endured in my life, I consider myself lucky to be as well adjusted as I am.  Through different forms of abuse and battery, physical harm, an addiction to drugs, low self esteem, insecurities and everything else life could have possibly thrown at me I have only become  stronger and wiser.

I guess what I am trying to sumise here is that I know I will make it through this and anything else life throws at me.  I will be strong, I will prevail and I will succeed. 

i didnt think that it would, i thought i was stronger than this massive cloud that has enveloped me.  I have had sever anxieties since sunday.  I dont feel comfortable in my own skin, in my bed, in my house, my car, anywhere.   I have been crying incessantly for any and all reasons.

I had this all planned out.  My plan was to get this surgery, loose the weight and find love.  Well I have lost the weight, and I'm ready for it but its coming to me in weird pockets.  I dont know who to trust, where to turn.  

I am hearing the buzz from friends and coworkers that this person and that person finds me attractive and is checking me out and all i want to do is hide from it.  I still feel huge, I still am that big gilr cowering in the corner but now a huge spotlight has been truned on me because I'm not huge anymore.   I look in the mirror and see no difference.  I am displeased with my appearance and I am struggling.  this should be a time to rejoice...i finally got my wish...the wish that I would secretly wish for when i saw a rainbow, blow out birthday candles and such.  I got it, why am I not happy?

I need to get a grip, and it is hard.  I tried to make something work with someone who was emotionally unnavailable.  I feel crushed to a certain extent and it is compounding my situation.  It is not the cause but it was deinfatly a blow.  Am I still not good enough?  90 pounds and I am still not good enough.

I am grasping at straws in a desperate attempt to keep it all together when inside i am crumbling.  I have never felt like this, it is unchartered territory and for someone who is normally the "therapist" and consoller of friends and family, I feel weak and useless.

I am scared.  I know that alot of people who have this surgery go through this to a certain extent and at a time when i should be talking with other people and getting their takes and experiences, i want to hide.  

I have even gone so far as considering checking myself in somewhere, to get away.  Probably not the best course of action but i just feel soo misguided right now.  where was the strong girl that i used to be?  did she melt away with the fat?  was that my armour against the world, and now it is gone...leaving me exposed?  

Im on a rollercoaster and I feel that no one but the people on this board could understand and I even want to say that no one could understand at all but I know i am wrong in that respect.

I am hoping that my destructive behavior will subside and that i will adjust to this new world I have been thrust into.  Until then, I need to reclude into the shadows and mend my soul.

I have no idea where my little bout of depression came from but it is finally starting to subside.  I go tmy car back today...a huge source of my feeling good and independent...and I think things in my personal life are looking up.  

I find i am stuck at the weight that I am at so to change that I am going to get my butt back to the gym starting today and work the hell out of myself until it starts to melt off.  Today is my 6 month anniversary.  I can't believe how its flown.  

When I look back at this amazing gift that I have been given and how hard I thought it was all going to be, I am so thankful.  I look at food differently now and I eat so much healthier...almost as if while during surgery, they did something to my brain too.  I dont crave all of the bad things and helahty choices are second nature to me now.

My hair has been starting to fall out a little more and more, especially in the last few weeks, but even that isnt getting me down right now.  I am taking my vitamins and my biotin and waiting things out.

regardless, I can see what an amazing gift I have been given and it is something that ai have preayed for since i was a little girl.  I am extrememly thankful............

I feel like the walls are caving in on me today.  i have been on the verge of tears all day and cant shake it.  I feel like my world is coming down around me and I am realising that some of the probems that I had before this suregery are still there.  They have just been hiding over the abyss waiting to steal back into me in the darkness of night.  My anxieties are at full strangth lately and I am worried, heart racing over nothing and everything at all.

I am lonely and want someone to share my time with, my thoughts and ideas with.  I am ready to get lost in love and companionship.  I hope that the depression I was experiencing before the surgery isnt going to become a permanent resident in my new life.  I thought that once I had this suregery and lost the weight that these feelings would go away...I guess not.

I have been dealing with the anxiety ever since i was about  20 and my heart was shattered.  It was then that I was made vulnerable to the world.   Gone was my naivette and innocence.  The fact that I allowed my heart to be repeatedly shattered by the same person until just recently has left me jaded and empty.

The funny thing is that I know I have alot to give someone and have taken some time to regenreate and recoup.  Maybe I am trying too hard for it.  Am I destined to be alone, looking longly at sunsets wishing I had someone to share them with?

My luck in life in matters not concerned with the heart have been on a downwards spiral as well.  The life I have provided for myself is very sub-par.  From an outsider looking in, I seem cllected and cool with very few worries...on the inside it is a worlf of bats and spiders.  My family issues as well as my own personal issues are catching up with me.

Sometimes, just sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to end it...then I think about how much I love life regardless of its trials and relent on the thought of writing my own ending.

I will just have to get through this, as I usually do, tomorrow will be a better day, I am sure of it.  for now, i sit here alone, in the dark succumbing to the shadows and their erie comfort.

well, I am there...no longer do I fall under the morbidly obese category or even the obese category.  As of this Sunday...I am merely overweight with a BMI of 39.3...................I cant believe it.  I am feeling and looking fabulous!

Well, it has happened.......I am enamored with someone else.  This is not good.  I can't stop thinking about him and my thoughts are running away from me like wild stallions that I can't even begin to attempt to control.

I haven't been in this place for a long time.  I purposely withdrew from dating and "feeling" a long time ago.  All of a sudden, I have been thrust back into it and I dont know how to deal with it.  I dont remember the rules of engagement  here and feel like i am trying to play monopoly without the rule book.  I think im gonna get hurt here....I have a feeling.  I need to direct my attention elsewhere as i think I am persuing something I cannot have.

Part of me wants to fall back into old patterns and sistract myself with someone else but part of me feels I am getting too old for this self preservation tactic and that  need to face my feelings and situations head on this time and do it right.  This is a time for new beginings and time to take the world and life serious.  not to run away and act out like I used to.

I am ready for a mature and serious relationship.  I dont knwo where this one is going to lead but regardless I am doing inner soul searching and preparing myself for something real.

I feel like I am writing and talking in circles in this post.  I guess I am just having a little bit of an off day.  I need to disentangle myself from this other person and go back to asserting my independence.  I am fine being alone...I actualy like it sometimes.    I have done it for the last 2 years and don't want to loose myself in something again only to have it not work out....I need to be careful...

I find myself treading on new ground everyday.  As my view of the world and the world's view of me changes.  I find myself opening my heart and myself to vulnerabilities.  I am finding it hard to trust the people that have followed me through this journey yet have an easy time of letting new people into my heart.  Maybe I will be severely burned or hurt.  It is probably innevitable at this point.  

I am dating.  It is a wonderfull thing.  I feel like I am 19 again, discovering the world.  The scorn and hurt from past relationships has melted away like the 80 pounds that I have lost.  I am naive, reborn, and ready.

One person seems to captivate me most.  We are from oppsite worlds yet for some reason I am drawn to him.  I havent felt this floating on air feeling in a long time.  This coupled with my newfound naivette is a recipe for disaster.

I don't know if he feels the same way, or if he is even ready for something more.  I dont even know what I am ready for...all I know is that he haunts my thoughts and I want nothing more than to be with him.

I need to stop this and get it in check.  I don't want to get hurt and have the rug pulled out from under me.  For some reason this time I cant hold it in.  Its like trying to tame a wild stallion, I need to be carefull.

I am going to have to find a distraction...I will not le tmyself be hurt again.  It seems innevitable though....