Rebecca Y.

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

June 28, 2005
It's been one year ago today that I decided to have WLS. My uncle died unexpectedly, as I've mentioned before, and that was the day that I decided to have the surgery. I knew if he had thought he was relatively healthy and didn't even know he had heart disease, what was going to happen to me? I was 29 and was on eight medications a day. Uncle Mark had been seemingly healthy and was only 42 when he died. I knew if I didn't make changes, I wouldn't make it to the same age. I went to the cemetery today and was amazed that a year had already passed. I've lost 103 pounds and am so sad that Uncle Mark isn't here to share in my joy. 

June 29, 2005
In just under four months, it will be a year since my surgery. I can't believe so much time has passed already. I fully intend to be to my goal by the one-year mark. I have 36 pounds left to go, and I haven't lost any in quite a while, but I'm still hopeful that things will work out and I will get back on track. I HAVE TO GET BACK TO THE GYM!

July 2, 2005
A friend of mine took an 8-month post-op picture of me on Thursday, and I put it next to the two that I have on this profile. What a difference a few months make! I'm going to submit it to OH and get it replace the picture that is there as my post-op picture now. I will have to try to find out how to post more than one picture. OH only allows for two slots, but everyone else has more than that. I am feeling really good today and my eating is going really well. I'm back in the zone of not wanting to eat between meals and keeping down the amount I eat during meals. When it's "that time of the month," I can't help myself! I just want to graze all day long.

July 4, 2005
Dumping is the bane of my existence, but who can I blame but myself?! I don't do it often, but when it happens, it's like the whole world stops turning and all the misery in the world rests squarely on my shoulders (or better yet, in my digestive system!). I ate a small scoop of ice cream and about a half scoop of chocolate trifle today. It was so good, but so NOT worth the sweating and cramping and nausea that followed! In a very sick, twisted way, I love that, though. It's a built-in monitor of what I eat and how much I eat. I wish I'd had this years ago!

July 7, 2005
I saw my best friend from high school in Wal-Mart today. We have not spoken except to pass each other once or twice in public in more than seven years, and I have missed her so much. It's so stupid how the tiniest, inconsequential things can keep friends apart. I'm so glad to see her, and even though seeing her has nothing to do with my weight loss, I had to share it here. I guess in some small way, it relates to weight loss because if I had seen her a few months ago, I would've hidden so she wouldn't see me. How sad is that?

July 14, 2005
Someone told me today that a friend of mine is now in a size 10, and I so totally don't believe that, although I totally hope for her sake that it's true. She is beautiful, and I adore her as a person, a professional and a friend. I AM HAPPY FOR HER.

Am I just jealous or is it that I actually don't believe it? If it's true, I KNOW I'm jealous. I really don't want to believe that she is now two sizes smaller than I am. Could it be possible that she lost two sizes in a month? Is it possible that my own weight loss is now over, and I'm destined to stay a size 14 from now on while everyone else gets down into lower sizes? I suppose I shouldn't care. I am infinitely healthier than I was just a few months ago, and I am much happier, too. I love the way I look, and I am still trying to lose more. If my friend actually IS in a size 10, I am so happy for her. But the truth remains that I am also JEALOUS! LOL I love her dearly, and I hope this is true. But on the other hand, if it's true, I don't want to know! LOL I will have to call her later this week and find out.

July 26, 2005
I am still not used to people making comments about my size. I'm used to them avoiding the size discussion because I'm so big! I get so much more attention, and it's very flattering, but it also makes me acutely aware that people are looking at me and monitoring how I look. Sometimes I feel like I have to look my best all the time to meet people's expectations, when I know that I should not worry what others think. It's so funny to find myself actually caring and thinking about how I look and wanting to make sure that the moment clothes don't fit they're sent to Goodwill or given to someone who needs them. I'm so funny about that now! I forgot how girly I can be! LOL

July 27, 2005
I had a really bad day today. We found out a few months ago that the hospital where I work is being sold by our parent company HCA. We have been waiting to hear who our buyer is, and we heard early this morning that it would be Capella Healthcare, a new player in the healthcare industry. However, right before lunch, we were told that Capella had, in turn, sold us to St. Francis Medical Center, our local competitor. This means I will not have a job within the next couple of months. The hardest part is knowing that I have done nothing wrong, and yet I will be out of a job and in a situation which I cannot control.

Amazingly, I have not had the inclination to stuff my face. If anything, food disgusts me. I can so easily see myself going to the other extreme and becoming anorexic because food is really not my favorite way to pass the time. I suppose I should be thrilled that pigging out is not the way I handle stress anymore, but on the other hand, it's kind of scary to think that food disgusts me as much as it does. I fear that I will go TOO FAR in the other direction. I really need to seek counseling, but I can't afford it. SO WHAT DO I DO NOW?

August 1, 2005
Tomorrow it will be one year since I started this journal. A WHOLE YEAR SINCE THIS PROCESS BEGAN - I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!! I am doing pretty well, although I have not lost any weight in about six weeks. It is my fault, as I have not been exercising and have been AWFUL at drinking my water. I'm doing pretty well so far today, though. I was planning to start back to working out again this evening, but tonight is my support group, and I really feel like I need to be there since it's only once a month. I can start back to working out again tomorrow.

June 5, 2005
I can't believe it's been almost a year since I started this journey. June 28, 2004, was the day I decided that I would definitely try to have WLS. My uncle Mark passed away very unexpectedly that day, and as June 28 gets closer, I can't help but think about him more and more and wish he were here to share in my joy. He was only 42 and was just 12 when I was born, so there were many times he was more like an older brother than an uncle. My dad was almost 18 years older than Uncle Mark, and he treated Mark like he was his son, so it was natural that we would form a close bond. I always thought that as everyone else in our family aged and needed to be taken care of, it would be Mark and I that would work together to make sure everyone was okay. I always thought it would be Mark that would be the first person to the hospital (after my husband and my parents, of course) if I ever have a child. I always thought he would be here, and now he's been gone almost a year. He was the one person on my dad's side of the family that had no health problems. He was in decent shape, had a job that kept him active, and he played sports with his church group. He had two small kids at home - one 14 and one 6 at the time. The day he passed away I told myself that here he was healthy and had literally fallen over dead with heart disease he didn't even know he had at age 42, and if I didn't get my life in order, I wouldn't even make it as long as he did. He had no idea he was sick, and here I was at 29 years old knowing that I had high blood pressure, diabetes, arthritis and irritable bowel syndrome. What was to say that I would even make it as long as he did? Uncle Mark's death gave me the courage to change my life. I am thankful for the wake-up call, but I will always be sad that it was such a hard-learned lesson. I miss him every day and wish he were here so I could hug his neck and have him make some funny comment about how much less of me there is to love. He was an amazing person, and I will always miss him. I'm posting something I wrote the day he died, and maybe it will give anyone reading this a little bit of an idea about what kind of person he was.

Everyone knows Mark in their own way. He was a husband, father, son, brother, uncle, cousin, and the one thing that he was to each and every one of us – a friend. Mark was only 12 when I was born, so he was more like an older brother to me at times. I always felt in some sneaking way that I could get by with more with Uncle Mark than with anyone else in the family. Uncle Curt and Aunt Kathy moved to Shreveport , and Aunt Yvonne moved to...well...just pick a spot...I’m sure she was there at some point. But no matter what changed in our lives, Uncle Mark was always there.

To me, Uncle Mark was more than just an uncle or a friend. He was a magician. Even though you could never predict where the next firefly would shine in Mam-ma’s backyard, Uncle Mark seemed to magically know exactly where to jump and how fast to run to capture each and every one in a Mason jar for me.

And he could magically soar down Pap-pa’s street with lightning on his feet. Oh, I knew it was just a skateboard, but when he jumped on it and took off, no tricycle I was riding could’ve had a chance to keep up. By the time I could get to the end of the driveway, he could get down the street and back. I know he didn’t do it for my benefit. I was just a little girl...what could I know about skateboarding? But every time he took off down the road, it was like he was putting on a magic show just for me.

And then one day he put on a magic suit, or at least in my mind that’s what it looked like, and he let me and my cousin Chris be part of his special day, as long as we agreed to hold hands and be good. Everyone got dressed up in blue and white, and we all went to the church, and the only thing he couldn’t magically fix was the stripe on his socks that everyone could see through his tux. I guess Aunt Rita forgave him because she married him anyway, striped socks and all. And if you don’t think such a simple thing could be magical, ask anyone in my family how many times those striped socks have brought laughter and smiles into our lives in the years since.

Uncle Mark was part of a magical quartet of men who had the power to block the rest of the world out and not see anything but the cards in their hands. Kids and wives and mothers and neighbors and everyone else were part of the best disappearing act ever when the Rook cards came out. You couldn’t get mad at them, though, because they were having more fun than any four kids I ever knew.

He was my uncle, but he had uncles of his own, and you’ve never seen magic powers until you saw Uncle Mark and his brothers take one of their uncles practically down to their knees with the touch of one finger. There were times they snuck up on their uncles and grabbed their necks from behind to tickle them into a silly submission. There was the uncle they picked up and put in the middle of the yard with no shoes on so he would have to either overcome his fear of walking on grass or crawl back on his hands and knees. Of course, he crawled every time, but it didn’t stop them from doing it again later.

Uncle Mark can even magically turn a bad memory into a good memory. The memories I have of my first wedding are not all positive, but there are two moments that are among the few from that day that I will always hold dear. Uncle Mark had put on another magic suit, although this time he had covered up his striped socks, and agreed to be a groomsman. When the preacher asked, “who gives this woman in marriage,” the uncles and cousins formed a huddle to supposedly decide if they were going to let this new person into our family. Uncle Mark made the moment better by popping his head up out of the huddle to look around comically at the audience, letting everyone know that it was okay to laugh at a wedding. He topped off the moment, though, when he passed me as he went back to the altar and said, “we love you, Rebecca.” He didn’t have to say those words, and it wasn’t like him to be sentimental. But it was like him to magically make my day better, and he had no idea that those words would stay in my head through all the dark days that followed, and they would be part of what would give me the courage to stand up for myself a year and a half later.

Of course, Uncle Mark couldn’t let one magical wedding moment be enough. When I married Frank in 2000, I found out that Uncle Mark and Uncle Curt both had the magical power to turn a preacher white as a sheet. As Dad escorted me down the aisle, they stepped out from either side and brought me into a smaller version of the huddle that had, by this time, become so infamous in our family. The preacher was performing his first wedding ceremony, and I thought he was going to faint when they stepped into the aisle. He had no idea that he was witnessing a magical family moment, and I’m not quite sure he ever understood.

When I moved back to Monroe, it was Uncle Mark that was there to help unload the trailer and of course get in a few jabs about wondering if I’d left anything for anyone else since it looked like I’d brought half of with me. And it was Uncle Mark that was there less than a month later when they wheeled my dad into surgery after his heart attack. He was magic even on that dark day because when the news was delivered that Dad came through surgery, it was Uncle Mark and Aunt Rita that were right there at our sides. They engulfed Mom in their arms and magically held her up with their love.

Uncle Mark had the magical power to make people like him, not just as a passing acquaintance but as a trusted lifelong friend. He loved his kids and his wife and his family with a love that could only be classified as magical, and I’m not sure any of us fully realize yet the impact that he had on our lives. We could spend hours sharing stories and remembering the little things like how he never learned to tie a necktie, how much he loved to steal Mam-ma’s pies or hide her fruitcake, how he loved a practical joke or how he and his brothers magically made up their own rules at golf.

If we could ask him for one last piece of advice, I have no doubt he would laugh and say, “Save the green beans for last ‘cause they’re your favorite.” He would want us to read three important things into that advice – laugh, don’t take life too seriously and hold on to family traditions and memories. You can’t talk about Uncle Mark without laughter, family and love coming into the conversation. Those are things I will always remember about him and about the amazing person he was.

But the thing I will remember most is how his magical uncle powers are part of the person I am today, and it’s because of that fact that I am not going to say, “Goodbye.” He is part of me and that can never fade away or die. I am Uncle Mark, and his brothers are Mark, and his wife and kids and parents and friends are Mark. None among us can say that we aren’t better for having known him, and that, to me, was his greatest magical power of all.

June 7, 2005
I had the weirdest experience today. There's a new person at work, and we've been working together a lot during the last couple of weeks to make changes to our website and produce some marketing pieces he can use in what he does. It's a natural pairing of our two jobs. I'm in charge of marketing and PR, and he needs help with those things. He's a sales person of sorts, and he has a naturally easy nature and likes to make jokes. I enjoy people like that, and we work well together because of our similar personality traits. However, today three people said that they think that we're spending an awful lot of time together. How funny is that?! It's absolutely ridiculous to think he has any feelings other than possibly friendship. We're both happily married. We like many of the same things, and we work well together. That's absolutely it! He introduced me to his wife today when I came in the office and she had dropped in for a visit. He introduced me to her as his "second wife" and his "work wife," and I told her how we had discussed that we spend more time with each other at work than we're able to spend with our spouses sometimes. The point of the story was not that there was something brewing between us. The point was that we spend so much time at work. Nothing more. She totally got the joke, but everyone else seems to think there's more. It's so silly! LOL The funniest thing to me is that someone actually thinks someone else could have a crush on ME! That stood out to me more than anything. Seven months ago, no one in the world would've ever thought of me as someone that would be attractive to someone else! Forget what everyone thinks about this professional friendship. I'm just glad someone thinks I'm cute enough to have a crush on. LOL

May 22, 2005
My husband swears I'm pregnant, but, as the doctors have told me for years, that is highly improbable. He means well, but I wish he could accept, as I have, that this is not a possibility for us. The doctors said this surgery would increase my chances, but I had a zero percent chance before, and this might increase my chances to one percent. I can understand why my husband thinks I'm pregnant, though, but the symptoms I have are more a manifestation of the stress I've been under at work, in my opinion. I am tired all the time, I have been really crabby and short-tempered, many things don't set well in my stomach and smells bother me more than usual, I want to graze all day long, my emotions are right under the surface, and I have not started my period. Yes, all those symptoms might normally point to pregnancy, but I am not even concerned about that. These are also signs of stress! Work is killing me lately as we prepare for the sale of our hospital. I'm not sure if I should take a gamble and stay on with the new owners - what if they don't have a need for my position? On the other hand, if I decide to definitely find another job, what will I do that won't require me to move? I really love living close to my family, but the job market around here is awful. At this point, I don't know what to do, but there is one thing I know for sure - I AM NOT PREGNANT! LOL

May 29, 2005
I was right - I am not pregnant. I did, however, get some great news. The doctor and his nurse practitioner told me that the whole issue of my cervix being "markedly retroverted" is not the cause of our inability to conceive. They said it had much more to do with my weight and that they predict within the year I will be pregnant. I just about cried when they told me that! This is the first time when I have been given something for which I have longed for SO LONG...hope!

Quick side note - one thing I DO NOT LIKE about this surgery is constipation. I have never had it before, and milk of magnesia, which usually helps, must surely have been created by Satan himself. LOL Just thought I would share. :oÞ

May 30, 2005
My friend Jennifer, who I met through work, has moved to Shreveport , and I already miss her. She had her surgery with Dr. Lavin three weeks to the day before I did, and we have been through every step of this WLS journey together. I know she's only moving an hour and a half away, but it feels like a million miles when you are used to seeing someone just about every day. She has had a lot more success with this surgery than I have, although I am pretty proud of my own success. She started out at 16-20 pounds heavier than me, and she is now 11 pounds lighter than me. She is an amazing person, and I will dearly miss not having her around to talk and laugh with, even though I know she is only a phone call away.

May 31, 2005
Today is a banner day for me. I finally reached the "Century Club" - 100 pounds gone forever! Oh my gosh...I knew this would be a big deal, but I had no idea how good it would feel. I have sat here reading the message board for months and have wished so many times to be able to post my own message about reaching 100 pounds, and - to be very honest - I had begun to doubt I would get there. It's only been seven months since surgery, but I have been stuck on 96 pounds for a month. Suddenly, the scale dropped four pounds since last Thursday! I am so happy, but more importantly, I feel so good about my health and the better, healthier, happier life I have ahead of me.

June 1, 2005
I tried on clothes today, and I have to admit - I look awesome in smaller clothes! The way things have been going lately, I hate to even wear something that doesn't look like it was made just for me, which is difficult to do when you are changing sizes so much. I wore a shirt yesterday that I just bought three weeks ago, and it was a bit too big. It still fits for the most part, but it doesn't fit as well as it should. It's a 1X from the women's section upstairs at JCPenney, and I bought one just like it in a different color from the "regular people's" section that was a large. The 1X is loose on the sides now, and the large fits just right. I'm at that weird size where the women's section clothes are too big and the regular section clothes are just a bit too tight. It's a great place to be, and yet it's a really hard place to be because of how hard it is to find clothes.

March 2, 2005
I saw a picture of myself yesterday, and I finally get it. I can actually see the difference. When I put the post-op picture up next to the pre-op picture, I just about fell out of my chair. It was the first time in years that I didn't mind seeing a picture of myself and was actually proud of the way I look. Of course, I immediately emailed it to this website so they can post it here so everyone can see, too!

March 3, 2005
I'm miserable right now, but I totally deserve it. I knew I was getting full, but I took several more bites. What was I thinking? Sometimes I think I know so much about this surgery and how to care for myself, and then I go and do silly things like this.

March 12, 2005
Looks like the scales have started moving again...finally! My husband and I are joining a gym next week and have been using our one-week trial pass the last two days. It feels really good to do something good for ourselves, and the gym is SO NICE...14 tennis courts, two stories of workout areas, onsite massage therapist and salon, day care for up to two hours, a huge pool with an adjoining building where kids can play video games and play pool in the summer, and so much more. The price isn't that bad considering how much they could easily charge and get away with it. For the two of us, we'll only be paying $69 a month. Of course, that's $69 I could be doing something else with, but we really need this, and it's worth the sacrifice for us to live longer, healthier lives.

April 5, 2005
My six-month follow-up appointment is coming up on April 14, and I am disappointed that I won't be at 100 pounds gone by then. I'm very pleased to say that I'm at 88 pounds, and I'm so thankful for that, but my personal goal was to have lost 100 pounds by my six-month appointment. I'm not sure there is any amount of drinking water and exercising that could get me there in the next nine days! I finally ordered my medical ID bracelet and got a message today that it had shipped. It was really cute and not that expensive at all. I guess that's something I'll have to get used to wearing from now on.

May 2, 2005
I had to reschedule my six-month post-op appointment for May 5, so I still had a chance to make it to the 100-pound mark and haven't made it. As of this morning, I had lost 94 pounds, which makes me really, really happy, even though I did not meet my original goal.

Work is making me miserable, and I can feel those old eating demons slipping back in. I have an unreasonable desire to snack all day long, and even though I have made fairly good choices in my snacking, I feel like I'm eating all the time, which makes me feel mentally miserable. This is a lot to go through to give it all up for a few snacks. Even though a few bites here and there aren't going to put me back where I was before surgery, I still feel guilty.

I need to see a psychologist to help me overcome some of these old demons, but my insurance does not pay for the counselor that I would like to see. Terry Thomas is the person who performed my pre-op psych evaluation, and he is also the person who coordinates the support group I like to attend. The support group is nice, but I don't too often get to go, and it's only once a month. I need more consistent support. I do not regret this surgery. I am so much happier than I used to be. I am healthier, more able to get around and much better able to do my work and live my life. I just need more support than what I am getting if I am going to make this a long-term success.

May 8, 2005
I was feeling very thin today. As I was out looking for new clothes lately, I came across a shirt that was only $4.99, so I bought it. It is a navy blue t-shirt that says "gorgeous" across the chest. My husband thought it was great because he has waited a long time for me to feel good about myself. Even though I bought it without really feeling that I was "gorgeous," he got a kick out of it, so it was worth wearing out in public today. I couldn't help, though, that I felt like everyone was looking at me and thinking, "yeah right"! I can only hope that the old feelings of looking ridiculous in my own skin will eventually go away. Heaven knows I already feel worlds better about myself than I did just six short months ago, but I have a long way to go. I will definitely have to have plastic surgery. I will definitely need a thigh lift and a tummy tuck, and I'm considering an arm lift, too (what is that called? I refer to it as an "armilectomy." LOL)

February 10, 2005
UGH...I have hit another plateau. Actually, that's not completely true. I had plateaued for a week or so and now I've gained a pound! EEKK! It is totally my fault. I have not been exercising like I should, and I have barely drank any water at all in more than a week. That is such a bad habit, but it's also such an easy one for me to fall into because before surgery, I would go all day and not drink a thing. I had gotten really good at drinking water and Crystal Light, but I've completely derailed myself and need to start back at the beginning with remembering to set water drinking goals for myself throughout the day. I said I didn't want to be one of those people who walks around with a water bottle in her hand, but it looks like that's what I'm going to have to do to keep up with my drinking.

February 13, 2005
Some days I feel like I am able to hold way too much, and I wonder if I have stretched my pouch. But just as soon as I start wondering that, I'll have a couple of days like I've had this weekend when even a couple of bites of anything seems like too much. Oddly enough, I sort of like that miserable feeling of eating one bite too many when I'm only a couple of bites into a meal. It reassures me that I haven't ruined this new health tool that I have. Speaking of which, right now I'm miserable and have pretty much felt this way all day. I'm trying to drink water, but that's like throwing fuel on the fire when you already don't feel well. My bathroom breaks today have been more like bathroom emergencies, but at least I'm getting my system cleaned out I suppose.

February 27, 2005
Two weeks since I wrote, and I've only lost four pounds, but then again, when else would I ever have lost four pounds in two weeks or any length of time, for that matter? I'm struggling with my body image. Some days, I have this wonderful feeling that I look great and that I'm attractive. Other days, I look in the mirror and see the same 309-pound person I was when I started this journey. I've been the weight I am right now before, and I know that I was big then. I just had no idea at that time how big I would get and that some day this weight that I am now wouldn't seem so big anymore. I have 62 pounds to go to get to my goal, but I suppose that's not bad since tomorrow I will only be four months out.

February 28, 2005
Four months out from surgery today, and what a way to celebrate - I weighed in and realized I am NEVER going to get off this plateau! I'm stuck at 232 pounds, although admittedly I'm ecstatic that I've just plateaued and not started gaining. That's quite a switch from how things were pre-op! I feel really good and only have one regret - I haven't had any pictures taken to document the progress and never took measurements to watch the inches. If I had it to do over again, I would've kept better track.

November 3, 2004
I was so wrong! Not only have I lost weight, but today is post-op day six, and I've lost 19 pounds. WOOHOO!

November 4, 2004
I'm walking at the local medical mall every day. Three trips around is one mile, and so far, I've only been able to do one and a half, but it gets a little easier each day. I went for my one-week post-op visit with my family doctor today, and he removed my steristrips. Three of the incisions don't look so good, but they aren't infected, and I'm sure they'll look better over time.

November 7, 2004
This weekend was not that great, but since I've had such an easy experience so far, I suppose I shouldn't complain. My husband and I went to the movies last night, and I couldn't get comfortable with the angle of the seat. Today, I continuously felt lightheaded, and when I went to get up from a chair, I felt like someone stabbed me in the stomach. It only lasted a couple of seconds, but it was so annoying. I'm still pretty tender and am trying to decide when I should return to work.

November 8, 2004
HOLY COW! 28 pounds gone by day 11!

November 18, 2004
It's been three weeks today since my surgery, and I've lost 33 pounds. I seem to have slowed down quite a bit, but I have not been as faithful with my walking as I was in the beginning.

December 3, 2004
The weight is coming off much more slowly now, but exercising has not been easy lately. This time of year is so busy, and by the time I get home, the place where I walk is closed. And for Louisiana , it's pretty dang cold right now, so walking in my neighborhood at night is out of the question. I'm cold enough all day long...I do not want to freeze while I walk! I've lost 39 pounds, which is only six pounds in the last two weeks, but three pounds a week is actually pretty healthy. At this rate, assuming I can keep it up, I will be at my goal in seven months, which is well under the year to a year and a half that the surgeon predicts. Just think - by June, I could be at my goal weight! Even at a slower pace, when in my life could I EVER have consistently lost three pounds a week?!

December 6, 2004
I never knew a simple thing like crossing your legs could be so much fun. I want to take out a full-page ad with just a picture of me smiling and crossing my legs! LOL

December 18, 2004
I've seriously plateaued at this point, but it will get going again soon, I'm sure. I haven't been keeping up with my water and protein like I should, but the last couple of days have been much better, and I'm getting back into the routine. Now if I could just find time to go walking! I was doing so well in the beginning, and it's not that I'm lazy or just want to do it. Walking is something I really enjoy, and it's a great way to wrap up the day. But now it's dark when I leave work, and there are so many holiday-related things to do that by the time I get home, it's getting late, and all I want to do is sit down and rest. Plus, my husband's grandmother passed away, and we were in Florida for several days, which really through me off track. I used the workout center at the hotel, which was very nice!, but I only got to do that one night. I guess we were pretty busy and on-the-go, so that has to count for something, and we did walk to the corner store twice in one night, which would be at least a little bit of walking, but it's not the same as keeping to a definite schedule and feeling like you're really accomplishing something.

January 2, 2005
This is the first time EVER that I was able to make it through the holidays and actually LOSE weight! I didn't even know that was possible. LOL My plateau is temporarily gone, and hopefully as I get back into the swing of walking, it will go away for good. I'm down 50 pounds now and am looking forward to weighing tomorrow to see if I've lost anymore. I ate a little too much at lunch today, and that's not a feeling I want to have ever again. It wasn't the worst I've felt since surgery, but the pressure was pretty bad, and the guilt was even worse. I knew what I had done was something I'd chosen to do, even though I knew four or five bites before I stopped that I was full. Lately, I'm overcome with the desire to talk to other people about this surgery and share my experiences. I post on the message boards a lot, but that isn't satisfying me anymore. I'm considering writing a book about this wonderful, scary journey. If anyone out there would like to be quoted, email me!

January 29, 2005
I read a post on the main message board today from a man who is 19 days post-op and is full of regrets that he had WLS. Today, I feel very much the same, but I have been looking at before and after pictures and it reminded me of why I chose to do this. The thing that strikes me about the pictures is not how many inches people have lost. The thing that strikes me is the happiness on people's faces and how much healthier they look. The canes they used to walk and the oxygen they used to sleep at night are gone, and the way they generally carry themselves is so much more confident and upright.

I have to admit there are days when I'm not happy I made this choice. It doesn't last a whole day. It really just lasts an hour or two, but those hours are so hard, and they make me so sad. There are times when I wonder if I'll ever feel normal again, and I miss being able to eat. It's not that I'm still struggling mentally with my old overeating demons. It's not that at all. It's more the need to be able to not have to think about each and every bite and not have to worry about eating one bite too many. I realize that all those "one bites too many" are what got me in trouble in the first place, but there are many times during the week that I still take one bite too many and pay for it for an hour or so. I'm getting much better at this, but there are still times when it sneaks up on me.

I love the way I feel and the fact that I am able to move about more freely. At my three month post-op checkup last week, I was told that within the next 20 pounds, I need to be off my blood pressure medication. I'm off seven other medications and feeling so much better, but this is not an easy process. It's not fun, and it's not something you can ever put to the back of your mind. It consumes my thoughts 99% of the day - am I getting enough protein? how is my water intake? why am I not losing weight as quickly as others?

Everyone says, "This too shall pass." And they are, of course, right. Like I said, it's not easy, and it's not fun. But it is worth it, and this process is making me a stronger, healthier person, and for that I am grateful. Having WLS is like going through detox for an addiction. Food really is an addiction, and I am taking my break from its horrific hold on my life one step at a time. It gets better each day, and even though there are things I miss about my old life, I know I am better off the way I am now. I'm thankful for obesityhelp.com and appreciate the support I have received here from so many people.

I'm doing the best I can, and I suppose that's all anyone can ask of themselves.

September 17, 2004
My insurance company has denied my insurance claim, and I am SO FRUSTRATED! A friend of mine got her approval, and she has no health problems like I have. I certainly don't begrudge her the approval she got. I'm thrilled for her! But it is so frustrating to know that I have all these medical problems, and my claim has been denied because of a lack of documentation that I have tried to lose weight through other methods. I'm getting all my medical records together and faxing it to the case manager at First Health, along with a copy of all the information I originally submitted to Dr. Lavin's office. I'm hopeful that they will agree that I need this surgery, and the next time I hear from them will be good news.

October 4, 2004
MY APPROVAL CAME IN TODAY!!!!!!!!!!! WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

My doctor is out of town, so I can't see him until Thursday for my medical clearance, which is really irritating, but there's nothing I can do about it. I may explode if I have to wait much longer!

October 7, 2004
Dr. Yarbrough gave me my medical clearance today, and I faxed it to Dr. Lavin's office. Hopefully, I will have a surgery date in the next few days. I'm shooting for October 18 or 19, but that may be too soon.

October 23, 2004
My surgery is scheduled for Thursday, October 28. EEEKK!! I can't believe this is really going to happen. As thrilled as I was to find out I was approved, it also became very real very quickly. My bland diet starts Monday, and I'm not drinking my water and walking like I should. And don't even talk to me about that incentive spirometer. I know I need to use it, but my lung capacity is low. I suppose, though, that is the point of using it - to build lung capacity. I can't believe I stayed on my dad so much about using his when he had heart bypass surgery, and I'm ditching out on using mine.

I'm pretty nervous, but I know it's going to be great. A friend of mine had the surgery two weeks ago and has already lost 24 pounds. More importantly, she feels good and is healing well and is in good spirits. She is definitely my inspiration.

November 2, 2004
The surgery is finally over! After two years of research and an insurance denial, I am finally done and am on the road to recovery. Lakeview Regional is an awesome hospital, and I recommend it to anyone who is thinking of having this surgery. Dr. Thomas Lavin is amazing, and he actually called me personally today to make sure I was doing okay, and he was the first person from his staff to check on me the day after surgery.

They gave me a valium to calm my nerves, and it actually put me to sleep before they even got to the anesthesia, so I never got to see Dr. Lavin before surgery. Every level of staff was wonderful. My veins are so hard to tap, and the pre-op nurse hit it the first time when she started my IV and it lasted the whole time I was in the hospital. My surgery was Thursday, October 28, and I was discharged Saturday, October 30. There were a few minor problems along the way, but everything turned out fine. When Dr. Lavin got to poking around in there, he found something odd that he thought might be a tumor in my small intestine, so he had to take out a small section of the intestine and send it to pathology. It turned out to be ectopic pancreatic tissue and is something I was born with. He said I could've lived my whole life and never even known about it, but it sure did give him a heart attack in surgery when he saw it!

The other thing that didn't go so well was that I didn't react as planned to the narcotics used in anesthesia, and my breathing was very shallow. They were close to putting me on the ventilator, but I eventually started doing better after using the oxygen mask. Other than that, everything went well, and the nursing staff was so kind and caring. One of my nurses had this surgery a while back, and you would never know from looking at her that she had ever been overweight a day in her life! She looked great! All in all, it was a great experience, and my family has said several times that they are surprised I've been such a good patient.

I was up walking on surgery day around 7 p.m. I had wanted to have the catheter out and be up much sooner than that but because of the breathing problems, they thought it was best to go a little slower. The first walk was pretty slow, but I made it and began increasing with every walk. By the next day, I was cruising down the hall without my IV pole and had gotten out of the hospital gown and into a t-shirt and stretchy pants. I even took a shower and put on makeup, which I certainly did not expect to do for a few days at least.

I am very determined to make this as good an experience as possible. So far I'm sure I haven't lost any weight, but it's only the fifth post-op day, and I'm just now really noticing that I have less trouble getting around and the swelling has gone down. The steristrips should fall off in the next couple of days, and I'll be glad to get cleaned up more around the incisions. I'm trying to be patient and let them fall off on their own, but they are beginning to curl and I've been able to clean around them a little, so I'm tired of being teased - fall off already!

Bending over and turning at the waist is still not easy, but it is getting better every day. I'm able to sleep on my pillow now and not have to worry about being propped up, although I'm still taking a teaspoon of Lortab each night about 30 minutes before bed to relax me and help me sleep through the night. I've only taken it once during the day for pain, and that was more for a headache that wouldn't go away than for pain caused by surgery. The regular dosage is one to two tablespoons, but I don't want to get hooked on it. However, the trip home from the hospital was 4 1/2 hours, so the nurse gave me two full tablespoons so I wouldn't feel the ride home. Feel the ride home?! I didn't feel ANYTHING! All I felt was paralyzed. I could hear the radio, but I was completely incapable of interacting other than to mumble a few words now and then. I didn't want to take it, but after that long trip in the car, I was certainly glad I did.

So now I'm home, and I'm trying to stay active and recuperate as best I can. I went for my longest outing today. My husband - who is practically a saint the way he's been waiting on me! - took me to vote, and then we went to my office and saw some people, stopped by GNC at the mall to check out protein drinks and ended with a trip through Wal-Mart to see what kinds of cream soups they had. Sunday I can start having cream soups and yogurt. After nothing but clear liquids for a week and a half, that will seem like a steak dinner!

August 12, 2004
Yesterday was my psych eval with Terry Thomas at Psychological Associates. What a nice, understanding, compassionate person! I did not want to pay the $300 upfront, but my mother-in-law convinced me to go ahead with it and even wrote the check to pay for it. That was more of a blessing than she will ever know. The psych eval went fine, and the results will be ready next Tuesday. I'm still waiting to get the reading on my sleep study but am hopeful it will be ready by the time I get the psych eval back so everything can be sent to Dr. Lavin to finish my pre-op "homework."

Admittedly, I'm getting a bit nervous. The first thing I saw on Headline News this morning was a line across the bottom that said "Gastric Bypass Death." A woman who was 18-month post-op and her 8-month old fetus had both died of complications. On one hand, I immediately have to think that the problems stemmed from not waiting the required two years to get pregnant. However, on the other hand, it causes a very sinking feeling to see the words "Gastric Bypass Death" as soon as you wake up in the morning. Now that all my pre-op tests have been done, the whole thing is becoming very real. It's been just a concept for so long, and now that concept is quickly becoming reality. I suppose, though, that a certain amount of hesitation and nervousness is normal when facing such a life-altering surgery. I can only keep my faith in Dr. Lavin and his staff and hope and pray that everything goes according to plan.

August 16, 2004
The reasons for having this surgery are quickly adding up to the point where I'm forgetting why I ever questioned whether or not to have this done. Today, my PCP called me in to review the results of my glucose tolerance test, and the one thing I feared he would say finally came true - I have diabetes. He put me on glucophage (500 mg twice a day), and I have to stick my finger twice a day. It was 155 this morning, but after I ate breakfast, it probably skyrocketed right back up to 250+ like it's been doing. He did say, however, that when I lose the weight, the diabetes will go away. Let's all cross our fingers, do a dance, say a prayer or whatever else we can think of to make that come true. I'm now on seven pills a day - dicyclomine for irritable bowel syndrome, atenolol/chlorthalidone for high blood pressure, Celebrex for rheumatoid arthritis (twice a day), Folbee for surgery prep, a potassium pill and glucophage for diabetes. There's sleep apnea problems, too, but we're not treating that at this point. I suppose if that persists after surgery we'll have to look at treating that, too.

August 17, 2004
My blood sugar plummeted to 26 last night, which is considered severe hypoglycemia and is low enough to be in range for seizures. Luckily, my mother-in-law is an RN, and a quick phone call to her helped. Since my diabetes education class hasn't happened yet, I had no idea how close I was to serious problems. I waited 15 minutes and tested it again, and it had dropped to 22. I immediately ate a honey bun and drank a large glass of apple juice, and one hour later, it was back up to 151. This is a lot of work!

My information is being sent to the insurance company today for approval, so keep your fingers crossed for me that this will be a smooth process. FirstHealth is very supportive of the RNY procedure, but they are taking about four weeks for approvals because they have received so many requests, and they are very serious about making sure they review each case thoroughly. Luckily, I have a great patient advocate named Nikki at Dr. Lavin's office, and she is keeping me updated on where we are in the approval process. Surely they will look at all the comorbidities and realize this is very necessary for me and would, ultimately, save them tons of money if I can get off all the prescriptions I'm on.

August 26, 2004
One week and one day and still waiting. I suppose I didn't realistically expect to get an answer this quickly. Admittedly, though, it would've been so awesome if they'd simply looked at my file and approved it on the spot. Isn't it weird when you reach the point where you hope you're so fat and have so many problems that someone will bump you to the top of a gastric bypass surgery list?

August 2, 2004
Even though my initial consultation was Friday, today feels like the first day I've really started working on getting ready to have gastric bypass surgery. I met Friday with Dr. Thomas Lavin in Covington, LA. He and his nurse practitioner Maria des Bordes were absolutely wonderful and made me feel as if I'd known them my whole life. Today, I started whittling down the checklist of things that need to be done before I can schedule a date, and I've made significant progress. I had my blood work done - six vials, but it wasn't that bad - and have scheduled my sleep study for tomorrow night.

The only thing I'm having trouble with at this point is finding a psychologist to do my pre-op psych evaluation. The one I was referred to locally requires that you pay $300 upfront, but I refuse to do that when I have orders from my doctor and an approval from my insurance company. I'm still working on it, though, and am hopeful that I'll have all this taken care of by the end of the week.

I've been so excited about the possibility of this surgery, and now that it's becoming a reality, my stomach feels like it's tied in knots. I know I want to do this, and I know I'm doing it for the right reasons, but the reality of what's about to happen can be very overwhelming. I'm not doing this because I want to match a certain image of how I'd like to look or what size I'd like to wear. I've been that smaller person before, and it was nice to get more attention from people, but I've also gotten the attention I wanted at my current larger size. I've found over the years that getting attention is more about personality and less about dimensions. The reason I'm doing this now is because of all the health problems that are either being caused by or aggravated by my weight. I'm 29 years old, and I've been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis that is progressing more rapidly than it might have if I didn't put so much excess weight on my feet every day. I've been taking blood pressure medicine for more than a year and a half, I take Celebrex twice a day, my potassium is chronically low, I have to take a multi-vitamin, and I've been taking several other things for problems that have come up such as reflux, irritable bowel syndrome, amenorrhea, etc. For me, the goal is not to look in the mirror and feel good after gastric bypass. For me, the ultimate goal is to say, "hello" to my family practice doctor one day, not because he knows me so well but because he hasn't seen me in so long.

Today is the first day of progress, and my spirits are still up. I currently weigh 310 pounds and am hopeful that next year at this time I will be close to my goal weight of 170 pounds. Wish me luck!

August 4, 2004
It's finally sleep study day. I know I've only been working on my checklist of pre-op activities for a few days, but it seems like it's been weeks. My appointment with Dr. Lavin was less than a week ago, but it feels like I'm behind schedule at this point. I still haven't scheduled the psych evaluation, but I'm trying to work that out.

In the meantime, tonight is the sleep study, and I have to admit I'm not looking forward to it. I've tried to stay up late the last couple of nights, but I know I'm still going to toss and turn. I'm so particular about the way I sleep, and being on my stomach is usually the best way. Unfortunately, I probably won't be able to do that while all those cords are attached to my face. Being positive is the only answer - in less than 24 hours, I'll have another checkmark on my list of pre-op activities.

Monday evening, I went to a local support group. There were three pre-op people and three post-op people, and we were able to talk directly to each other instead of getting lost in the crowd. It was very clear from talking to these brave ladies that each person's experience will be remarkably different and that regardless of how much they've gone through, they would all do it again.

August 5, 2004
I had my sleep study done at North Monroe Medical Center last night, and a lady named Renee was overseeing the study. She was so nice and easy to talk to, and she really helped set me at ease. She was very professional, and the room was actually pretty nice. The part I didn't like was being attached to so many cords, especially the ones in my hair and the one that went under my nose. It wasn't as bad as I thought, though, and I was able to sleep however I could be comfortable. At first, I was very cautious with the cords, but once I settled in, it wasn't so bad. I found out that I do have episodes of not breathing, with each one lasting about 10-15 seconds. The results will be ready on Monday, and that will just leave the psych evaluation to do before everything can be submitted to the insurance company.

This past Saturday, it was two years since my gastric bypass surgery (laparoscopic RNY) with Dr. Thomas Lavin in Covington, LA. I can't believe how different my life is now compared to then. My husband, who was so supportive through the whole process and was the first to panic when I didn't come out of recovery on time and he couldn't find me, is now living in Florida, and we have moved on with separate lives. After many years of being told that there were multiple reasons I would probably never have a child, I am almost eight months pregnant. The baby's father is not someone I am married to, and he is 10 years younger than me. However, the relationship is a good, positive one for me, and I am enjoying my impending motherhood and all the possibilities it brings. 

My life isn't necessarily worse because of these things. It's just different, and in most ways, it's dramatically better. I feel good about myself. I don't mind being in front of groups of people and never feel like people are judging me based on looks. I feel that my ideas are taken more seriously at work, and I feel that I am more accepted in certain work-related and social circles. 

Maybe those people should've accepted me for who I was when I was 314 pounds. Maybe the successes I've had since losing weight are not a direct result of how I look as much as they are a result of an increased confidence level. There are times when I wonder how my life would be if I'd never had this surgery, but then I look at all the wonderful things that have happened, and I thank the good Lord above for Dr. Lavin and his wonderful staff that they were there when I needed them and have been so supportive for the last two years. 

"Happy Rebirthday " to me! 

Since switching to the new profile format, my story has disappeared, so I'm going to repost here as blogs titled with the dates that are covered. If you've already this once before and have no desire to sit through the whole long saga over again, just ignore the blogs that follow this one!