Rebecca Y.

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I have 20 pregnancy pounds left to go and can't seem to get the scale to move. But do I have anyone to blame other than myself?

NO! 

After almost two years of staying away from all caffeine, I've gone back to drinking Cokes and tea all the time. I KNOW this isn't good for me, but while I was on maternity leave, I kept wanting something other than water, and the only thing in the house was Coke. I have never been tempted before, but I was so tired and thought that I could just take a few sips and step away from it any time I wanted to.

That is so much easier to say than it is to do. I know I need to go back to drinking my water, start staying on top of my protein better and make sure I don't skip days on my vitamins. And I don't even remember the last time I took my B12. I guess it was while I was pregnant. I was oh-so-diligent the whole time I was pregnant, but since Sarah got here, I've really let important things fall by the wayside. 

I should be wanting to take care of myself now more than ever! That sweet little angel needs me here and needs me healthy.

My new healthy me makes her debut today. I am promising here in this blog in front of everyone that I will take better care of myself in the following ways:
1. Daily protein intake will be what it should be.
2. I will take my multivitamin each day.
3. I will get some sublingual B12 and begin taking it on a regular schedule.
4. Caffeine will once again be out of my life within the next two weeks (have to wean off of it so I don't have the bad headaches and have to go home and take care of a four-month old!)
5. I will begin drinking nothing but water until I feel that I have gotten used to it once again and am making healthier choices.

Wish me luck!

Sarah Noelle Johnson was born December 28, 2006, at 10:10 a.m. at St. Francis Medical Center in Monroe, LA. She weighed seven pounds, 11 ounces and was 21 inches long. She is a healthy little girl and is definitely the light of my life!

Thank goodness I had gastric bypass surgery and lost all that weight. And thank goodness for a surgical team that stressed the importance during pre-op education of staying up on my vitamins and protein. Without their support and encouragement, Sarah probably wouldn't have been born so healthy or may not have ever been born at all. I will always be greatful that I had the chance to have this surgery, especially since Sarah came along. My life has changed in so many positive ways!

Being a mom is great. Every time I look at her, I am amazed all over again. She is 10 weeks old today, and she is such a joy to be around. She is not that fussy unless she has a genuine need, and as soon as her need is met, she calms down. She smiles and flirts with those gorgeous eyes that we call "the full moons," and she laughed for the first time on Sunday night. What a sweet sound that was!

I am determined to raise her with good eating habits and a positive attitude about health and wellness and the need to include exercise and vitamins in her daily life. If I can spare her the pain of going through all I went through before I lost weight, I will do everything I can to make that happen.

The Lap-Band procedure is now being advertised like it's something you just go into the doctor's office and pick up on your way home from work. Miraculously, you will lose weight and life will be great and you won't have to "resort" to gastric bypass. 

What in the world is going on in the minds of the people who allow such trash on the air?!

The fact is that many people have had success with the Lap-Band, but it is not successful for everyone (just as gastric bypass isn't...you have to be willing to commit to it 100%). The part that is left out of the commercial is that this isn't for everyone, it's not that easy and many insurance companies won't pay for Lap-Band procedures anymore because so many patients have such low success rates and end up having to have gastric bypass before all is said and done. Then there's all the fills and revisions that have to be done.

It's not a simple and easy process, people! Don't be fooled!

Nothing is simple. If it were, someone would invent a pill instead of a surgery. No matter how streamlined the procedures become and how much success people have, the fact remains that these are not walk-in-the-park type procedures. It's not like getting an injection of collagen into your lips or Botox in your forehead. This is permanent (although, you can have the Lap-Band taken out if you choose). 

Stop messing with people's minds and making them think that procedures such as this are for everyone. These are life-altering decisions people are making, and they shouldn't go into something like this thinking, "if I don't like it, we can just take it out...no big deal."

IT IS A BIG DEAL.

I just realized that by posting the journal I'd been keeping, they are now appearing backwards, so if you want to read my story, you will have to start at the bottom and work up!

August 8, 2006
Everything is okay with the baby, and we found out last Thursday that the baby is a little girl! The OB doc examined me and said that she has no explanation for why I was bleeding so badly or for why it suddenly stopped except to say that "sometimes these things happen." It's been about a month, and we're both doing fine, so we are keeping our fingers crossed and saying a lot of prayers that this was a one-time scare and that the worst is behind us.

I posted this on the message board earlier this afternoon and wanted to cross-post over here...
"After six years of being told that getting pregnant was impossible and that in vitro would probably not work, I am proud to announce that I'm almost five months pregnant! I lost 135 pounds after WLS, and I have never felt better in my life. So far, I've gained back 15 pounds, but I'm hopeful that with diligent exercise, watching what I eat and a little help from breastfeeding after the baby is born, I will be able to return to my pre-pregnancy weight and be as healthy as ever.

I'm monitoring my vitamins and food intake very carefully to make sure that both the baby and I are doing well and getting all we need. Admittedly, when I first found out, I felt like I had to eat more to make up for the lack of absorption, but my surgeon assures me that there is no need for that...the baby will take what it needs. And so far, he's right. My little girl (just found out the sex on Thursday!) is nine ounces now and growing like a little weed. She is very active and loves to run show off for the lady that does the ultrasounds. I even got an ultrasound pic of her that looks like she is trying to stand on her head. LOL

I'm so happy, and I have so many of you to thank for that. I have not posted here in many months, but when I was first preparing for surgery and in the first year after my surgery, I turned to this message board almost daily for support. And helping others with their answers helped me help myself. I have been blessed tremendously by my OH family, and I hope you all know how important the words of encouragement are that you put here.

When sweet little Sarah is born, I will post pics on my profile."

I had completely stopped posting on the message boards. Now that I'm a little over 21 months post-op, I guess I take it for granted that I don't need the support anymore, but that is so far from the truth. Plus, the help I can give to others who are new to this wonderful, traumatic, exciting, scary journey helps me keep taking steps down my own path in a positive direction. I'm going to try to be around more often and keep this updated. I miss my OH friends!

April 30, 2006
For many years I wanted one thing - to have a child. I hated Mother's Day. It's such a slap in the face to women living with the painful knowledge that they will never be part of that hallowed, uterus-worshipped club.

I dreamed about it. I cried about it. I wished on stars, prayed, pretended I was okay with it and so much more. Deep inside, I never stopped mourning the loss of the one thing that would never be mine.

Living with this knowledge can be a great burden. There are days when you don't think about it too much, and there are days when it hits you like a ton of bricks.

And then there are days when, as you are in the midst of what you have surmised must surely be gallbladder problems, someone says, "you know your grandmother found out she was pregnant with Mark when she went to the ER with what she thought was gallstones." How ridiculous. I can't have kids. This person was not aware of that, though, so I said nothing.

Days passed. The words she said rang over and over in the back of my mind. Could it really hurt to take a test? At least it would remind me of the harsh reality that I was not meant to be a mom. I had an old test in the back of the bathroom closet, so I took it on a whim when no one else was around.

Two lines. One is faint, but it's definitely there. Hhhmm...maybe they changed the meaning of the lines since the last time I foolishly took one of these and got my hopes up. Read the instructions. Nope, it says two lines means you're pregnant. What a load of crap. I can't believe I got a defective test.

Off to Target to buy another one so I can put this out of my head once and for all. First Response, three tests to a box...that should do the trick. Pee in a cup, dip the sticks and do all three tests at once.

Test one. Two lines.

Test two. Two lines

Test three. Two lines.

Holy crap. WHAT?! Is it even possible I could be pregnant?

I was having a hard time believing what I was seeing. I got in touch with my doctor's office, and they faxed orders for blood work. Since I work at the hospital, everyone knew me and saw what the orders were for. Great...my secret was out, and I had to explain to everyone that I was just there to prove the tests were wrong.

The phlebotomist asked me if I wanted to take a urine test, too, to see what it would say. I said, "Sure." The blood test would take about 30 minutes, and the urine test they would use would be highly reliable. I was sure it would dismiss the earlier results.

I heard the door begin to open and looked at the admissions window. All the girls were looking at me, waiting to see my reaction. Mischelle, the phlebotomist, came running out and said, "It’s positive. It turned positive almost immediately!"

WHAT?!?! I started to cry, and all I could say was, "are you kidding me with this? Are you sure?" She said it was very clear, and they expected the blood work to say the same thing. I went into the lab and looked at the urine test, and it was two very clear lines. Sure enough, the impossible had happened.

I'm pregnant.

I spent the next 20 minutes or so wandering the hospital in a daze. There were a few people I told, but it was like I was just acting and making it all up. Even now, the whole thing seems like I watched it on a TV show or a really weird movie. I walked across the street to Dr. Conville's office, and the results were coming across the fax machine.

Pregnancy - positive. I suppose it can't get much clearer than that. The quantitative test showed I am four to five weeks along, which puts the baby due at the end of December.

There is a tiny little life growing inside me, and I am, admittedly, freaking out. "Butterbean," as I have strangely started calling him or her is the size of a sesame seed right now. The heart will begin beating within the next week. I have an appointment with my gastric bypass surgeon on Thursday to see what I need to do to make sure that little heartbeat stays strong and healthy. I need to pick an OB doc and am not sure who to choose. Dr. Lee is highly recommended, but so is Dr. Sheppard, and I know her husband, so I lean toward her. I don't really know anything except that this is a high-risk pregnancy, and I need to hurry up and pick someone.

June 25, 2006
Has it really been two months since I've written anything?! Lately, my full-time job seems to be being pregnant. My gallbladder gave me a break for a month or so but then came back with a vengeance and kept me in bed quite a bit. I got really sick just about every time I ate during the first four to five weeks, but now things seem to have evened out. I think I have gotten over my fear that the baby is not getting enough to eat, and I've settled back into a more normal eating routine. I was really pushing the boundaries on how much I could hold and what types of food I was eating, not because I felt the need to take advantage of pregnancy and use it as an excuse to pig out but because I worried the baby wasn't getting enough nutrition. My doctors assure me that the baby will take what it needs, although - admittedly - I may suffer in the process. I'm very regimented about my vitamin and water intake, much more so than I was before.

In other news, my hair has begun to thicken back up over the last few months. WOOHOO! I still have a ways to go, but at least you can no longer look straight across the front and see pieces of scalp all the way to the back. I bottomed out at 176 and then gained back about eight to ten pounds and stayed there, which was fine because you really couldn't see a difference between the two weights and my clothes still fit and hung the same. However, now, I'm up to 200, and the depression of it is about to kill me. I understand that it's for a reason. When my mom was pregnant with me (I was the first), she ballooned out really quickly too, which she believes means I'm having a girl. I think I just let the eating get away from me for the first few weeks, and now I'm paying for it.

Other than that, things are going pretty well. I had a few changes in my job this week as far as location of my office and to whom I will report, and I think these will be positive changes. I enjoyed my previous situation, but I didn't feel connected to anything. This will give me a chance to be better utilized and not worry about losing my job so much.

July 10, 2006
Got to make this quick. Have been on bed rest since Saturday afternoon, and it's not looking good for the baby. The ER doc thinks the placenta is partially detached and may keep coming apart. It's wait-and-see at this point, but it's not hopeful. If it's happening, there's nothing we can do but wait for it to be over.

I lie in bed and stare at the ceiling and cry a lot. Poor Del tries his best to care for me and reassure me, but I'm pretty much inconsolable at this point.

This isn't fair. I waited so long while all these other people had babies when they didn't even want them. Now I get my chance and it might be taken away.

I saw the baby on the ultrasound Saturday morning. Two little legs. Two little arms. One big ole belly and the cutest little head. There was something that looked like a string of pearls that ended up being the spine. The baby was squirming and healthy and had no idea what was going on. It was just lying there doing its thing.

I want this nightmare to go away. I want a healthy baby. But sometimes we don't get what we want. I will lie in this bed for the next five months if that's what I have to do. There is no medical treatment that can stop this. All that can stop it is faith, prayer and a good old-fashioned miracle.

Let's keep all that in mind and will this pregnancy through to the end. Please send up good thoughts and beg for this to have a happy ending. Beseech whatever God in which you believe to make this better.

It's not looking good right now, but we have to have hope. Right now, it's all we have.

November 28, 2005
We signed our divorce papers and had them notarized this morning. I will overnight them to the attorney, and they will be filed in the next couple of days. From there, it's just 30 short days until everything is final. I worry that I will still be alone 10 years from now, but fear of being alone is not a reason to get married or to stay married. Things have been going decently well between me and Frank as far as how we've been around each other, and he leaves for Florida this weekend. He has even been understanding of other guys beginning to call to ask me out. I have tried to be respectful of his feelings and not make a big deal out of it, but he has been very open about talking to me and giving his opinion of the people who have called. There are a couple that have called that I have not shared with him because they are friends of his.

It's so weird to face the single life with so many people calling. Part of me is so happy to be getting all this attention and having people want my phone number. The other part of me wishes those same people had wanted my phone number BEFORE I lost weight, but I am not naive enough to think that is how the world works. I am excited about the prospects of my new life, and I know my life will soon be headed down a positive road. It's just hard to see sometimes when you are so close to the situation. I think once he is fully out of the house and gone to Florida , I will be able to gain a better perspective.

December 12, 2005
Six pounds from my goal weight. I can't believe it! I'm thinking this means that when I finally get my tummy tuck and thigh lift and get my arms done, I will go below my original target weight. How cool is that?!

February 8, 2006
I've been so bad at keeping up with this blog, but so many things have been going on. My job isn't going that well, but I'm doing the best I can. The new owners don't seem that dedicated to keeping me on, but I'm hopeful I can win them over. I'm in a weird position of not having people to report to me anymore and not having a set of responsibilities that is clearly defined. That makes me an easy target to lift right out of the organization as if I were never there.

My divorce was final in mid-January, and it's weird how Frank and I are actually much closer now that we are not married and living under the same roof. When I talk to him, I sense that wonderfully lively yet comfortable conversation that we once had when we first met. It is better for us to be apart, but I'm glad we can still talk and not be separated by anger and hostility. I hope he is happy with his new life, and I wish only the best for him.

I met someone who has been so good for me and for my confidence. He's younger than I am, but that doesn't really matter. We sort of just meet in the middle. I really don't have much to say about this relationship right now because it's still very new and I'm still very much caught up in the romantics of it all. We will see how it goes when we settle into more of a routine and the newness has worn off. I'm not necessarily looking to settle down again and am not at all sure I ever want to get married again. For now, I'm just living life and enjoying the moment, and that's good enough.

February 13, 2005
I was in Nashville on Friday for an American Cancer Society meeting, and it was funny how many people found out I have had gastric bypass surgery. You don't realize how much less you eat than other people until you are around people you don't know and they begin making comments about how little you eat. I explained to several people, and they were blown away. When I look in the mirror, I still see much of the 314-pound person I used to be. These people don't see that, though. They see someone who is an average size, someone who doesn't look like they were ever overweight.

That makes me so happy. That makes me feel "normal." I didn't have this surgery so that I could fit society's ideal picture of normalcy, but it sure has been a nice byproduct. Getting off the medications is, by far, the best part and is the reason I did this. But the side benefit of feeling better about myself is overwhelming. I knew it would be a good feeling, but I had no idea how deeply I would feel it. I have actually had moments when I felt sexy. ME, FEELING SEXY?! WHATTTTT? I never thought I would see the day.

February 28, 2006
My feet shrunk again! What in the world is going on?! My feet are now in a size 8, and sometimes I wonder if that fits as well as it should. I've been in a 9 or 9 1/2 since I was in junior high, so I'm not sure what losing weight has to do with shrinking feet, but oh well. I guess it's a good reason to go shoe shopping!

I feel so good because I recently got to share my story with someone who is overweight. I was boarding a plane to Nashville , and there was a large lady in the row I was in. She was looking at me with a look of terror in her eyes as she realized I was approaching her to share a seat next to her. I greeted her, and she hesitated for a second and said, "This is not where I'm supposed to be sitting. I just wanted to sit by myself." I realized that she had chosen a row she thought no one was in because she didn't fit in the sit just right.

I had been where she was so many times. I had to ask the stewardess for a seatbelt extender. I had to sit by myself so that when the drinks came around I could put down the tray table next to me - the tray table hit my stomach when I tried to put it down and hung there at an angle. I couldn't sit next to anyone anyway because they wouldn't have been able to breathe with my taking up so much room, especially if they were in the window seat. And Heaven forbid I had to share a seat AND sit on the aisle. The stewardess would hit me every time as she went down the aisle with the beverage cart because I'd spilled over the edge of the seat.

I didn't want this lady to feel badly about her situation, so I quietly whispered to her, "I've been where you are right now. I know what it's like to have to ask for a seatbelt extender." She looked at me in amazement because she hadn't even told me about her extender. She knew that I understood what she was going through. We talked for quite a while, and I told her that my way of weight loss was not necessarily for everyone. I told her all the ups and downs I'd been through, and before we knew it, we were landing in Nashville .

It was wonderful to be able to share my story and have it be a "success" story. I felt like I helped that lady a little bit that day and made her feel better about herself. She wasn't embarrassed to hand the extender back to the stewardess when we left and not feel bad about it. I feel like maybe, in some small, I made a difference. And that one moment in time - believe it or not - made all the struggles I've been through so worth it.

I did this for me and for my health. I had no idea the impact it might have on others.

October 4, 2005
I went to my local support group last night and kept pretty quiet through the whole thing until the very end. Somehow I just couldn't make it through the whole meeting without telling what was on my mind. A lady I work with was there, and she got her ears full! I've been having so much trouble lately with being flirty and feeling sort of out of control in that department. My husband loves that I am a flirt, and that makes it even harder to control. The lady I work with will keep the things we discussed confidential, but I felt like a rotten person for feeling this way. The other two ladies were talking about how they have only been with one person their whole lives and how they are trying to make their marriages work with God's help. I'm just trying to keep myself from jumping on every cute guy that passes!

Does that make me a horrible person? Does that mean that I am a bad wife or that I don't love my husband in the way that I should? I try to tell myself that I am who I am and that each person is different. My journey is not necessarily the journey someone else will take, and the paths I choose will not be right for anyone but me. On the other hand, why is this such a problem? I adore my husband. Our life together may not be perfect at all times, but I challenge anyone to show me that their life is. Show me a marriage that is perfect, and I will show you two people who don't know each other intimately and are faking it.

October 31, 2005
I passed one year and celebrated my "rebirthday" on Friday. Wow...I can't believe it's been a year already. I'm not at my goal weight, which I wanted to be by one year, but I'm so happy with where I am that it doesn't even matter.

My personal life is falling apart, though. My marriage is crumbling, and I feel like everything is so out of control. I'm not sure why I even post this here because I doubt anyone who knows me will read it. I just need to type it out and get it off my chest. I've been blogging on myspace.com, and that helps. My friends read it and respond. However, I need to talk to someone face to face. My insurance changes tomorrow. Maybe my new plan will have a good counselor.

November 1, 2005
I spoke with someone this morning who is going through the same thing I am going through with my marriage. Her one-year surgery anniversary was in September, and she and her husband are considering divorce. She says that, like me, she woke up to realize that there was the promise of something better out there. Now don't get me wrong - my husband is a great guy. I just want to find my soul mate, and it's not him. He swears he is in love with me and that he feels that everlasting, abiding connection with me. I just don't feel it. It didn't solve any of my problems, but it sure did make me feel better to know I am not the only one experiencing these problems after surgery.

November 7, 2005
Things have gone from bad to worse with my husband. We got everything out in the open Friday night. He says he wants to work on our relationship and that we should both go to counseling. He thinks if we have a baby that will solve everything. First, I cannot have children, and even if medication could help me get pregnant, there is a good chance I would not be able to carry the baby to full term. Second, bringing a child into a relationship that is having trouble will only make it worse.

I do love this man, and it is impossible to go into all that has been going on with us in this forum. I have probably already revealed too much just by posting this here. There are a few key people who know all that has been going on, and they understand. Everyone is sitting around waiting for us to finally separate and end this marriage. So why haven't we done it yet? Are we each waiting on the other person to be the first to let go?

November 9, 2005
We decided to end our marriage on Monday. We agreed to divorce, and Frank went to work and put in his four-week notice and called his mom to say he was moving back to Florida . The problem is that as soon as we made this decision, I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. I realized we had hit rock bottom. The only place to go from here is up, right? I am not sure we will make it, and I'm not sure we're doing the right thing, but we talked about it and agreed to give counseling a try. I would hate to just walk away from six years of being together without a fight. We used to have something worth fighting FOR, not fighting ABOUT. Maybe we can find it again, and maybe we can't. I just need to know for sure.

November 15, 2005
We talked about counseling, and we spent time together last week. I thought things were going a little better and was accepting of the fact that it would take time to get back where we needed to be. On Saturday, Frank announced he was moving back to Florida . He feels that in six months we will be right back where we are now and that counseling will be a waste of our time. I don't agree, but what can I do? We are being civil through all this, which makes it even harder. If he weren't such a nice guy, it would be easy to let go. But he has such a big heart. I have let all my friends know I do not want to hear a single negative thing said about him. We are parting as friends, for the most part. I will miss my stepson terribly, and Frank is struggling with what to tell him. I am planning to call Frank's ex-wife and ask if I can still be part of Vincent's life. That little boy is like my own child, and I can't imagine going on in life without some form of contact with him.

August 26, 2006
My restlessness problems are getting worse, even though Frank and I have been able to spend more time together, and he has been able to work more days. I'm just so easily bored and so easily looking for trouble. The problem is that one of these days I'm going to feel like looking for trouble, and trouble is going to find me!

September 2, 2005
It is not true that old habits die hard. OLD HABITS NEVER TRULY DIE!!! I have the worst problem with taking bites that are too big and eating too quickly. You would think that I would be used to the idea of smaller bites and slower eating by now, but there are days it's like I never even knew to do that. I try to catch myself while it's still in my mouth and just swallow little bits at a time, but there are often times that it gets away from me sooner than expected when I'm eating too quickly. Feeling it try to push into the pouch really hurts, and yet I keep doing it to myself! I think Dr. Lavin removed part of my brain, too! LOL

September 9, 2005
OOOHHHHH MMMYYYYYYY GGOOOOSSSSHHHH!!!! Finally, the day has come. I never thought it would get here - EVER! I weighed today and realized I have dipped below 200 pounds to weigh in at 198. I had to stand there and look at the scale for a minute to realize it was telling me the truth. I even got back off, reset the scale to zero and weighed again. It was the same answer as before! I am officially down 116 pounds and am 28 pounds from my goal. WOOHOO!

September 16, 2005
All of a sudden, I feel like I am wasting away...which is actually a good thing! For the longest time, I felt like the scale was stuck and would never move again. And even though it's only moved a few pounds, I am seeing a dramatic difference when I look in the mirror. It's such a different feeling to look in the mirror and love what you see. I am proud of how I look and of the person I portray on the outside now. Someone told me recently that my outside is as beautiful as my inside now...wasn't that nice? Of course, the smart aleck in me wanted to ask, "so I was hideously deformed and ugly before?!" but I knew what she meant. :o)

I love the way my clothes hang on my body and the way my face is shaped. I had forgotten what a defined face I have. It was hidden under so many layers of useless fat! The American Heart Walk is coming up in just under a month, and my before picture was taken there last year. I can't wait to take another one this year and see the difference!

September 17, 2005
We went to a local club called the DeJaVu last night to see an 80s cover band - The Molly Ringwalds. They were so awesome! It was nice to get back out into the world and do fun things without wondering if everyone is looking at me wondering why such a fat old lady is out doing things like that. I had on a sleeveless shirt that tied behind my neck and came down in a V-neck, and it actually looked good! I had on my new Old Navy jeans and a very sexy pair of slip-on sandals, and I actually got attention. It made me feel like a million bucks.

September 25, 2005
I had forgotten how much I like to have fun and be with friends. For so long, I insulated myself from the world. I didn't really want to have friends or go out and do anything. When we moved to Columbus, GA ( Ft. Benning ), my husband wanted to have a large group of friends and do things with them all the time. I used to be a real witch about it because I didn't want to do anything. What I really didn't want was for people to see me and make fun of my husband for being married to me. My husband (Frank) never once acted like he was embarrassed to be with me. On the contrary, people used to tell me how proud he was of me and how much he talked about me. I never understood that, though. I always felt like the way I looked must surely be an embarrassment to him.

Now, I am remembering what it's like to have a large group of friends and have places to go and things to do. It's so much fun! On the other hand, I'm remembering how wild I used to be, and now that I'm an "old married lady," I suppose I need to act a little different. But losing all this weight and getting attention is so empowering. I feel amazing. Even though I have a long way to go (still 17 pounds from my surgeon's goal and 22 pounds from my personal goal), I feel like I have already conquered the world.

Friday night, Frank had to work, and I went with a bunch of people to a club called The Blue Monkey to see Alien Ant Farm. I drank too much and had way too much fun, but I was getting so much attention. I had on a super-sexy outfit (the same one from last week at the DeJaVu), and at one point an absolutely, drop-dead gorgeous guy came up to me and whispered in my ear that if a girl I know that was with us and I ever wanted to have a threesome, I should give him a call. Of course, I wasn't going to do it, but I was thrilled that someone actually wanted to do that with ME! LOL It's funny the things that excite you at this point in your weight-loss journey. Obviously, I wouldn't act on that offer, but just getting the attention made me feel so great.

September 27, 2005
That crazy, unpredictable scale has not moved in three months, and now it's moved 10 pounds in about 10 days! WOOHOO!

September 28, 2005
My surgeon's office is located in Covington, LA. I have not been able to get through to them since Hurricane Katrina came through to schedule my one-year appointment until today when I called - no more fast busy signal. The phone rang, and a nice lady actually answered the phone and said the staff would be in the office at 8:45. WOOHOO! I am hopeful they will be able to schedule me relatively close to the original date. It has been 11 months today, and I am 20 pounds from my goal (15 pounds from the goal my surgeon set). The last 11 months have been so slow and yet so fast at the same time. My life has changed so much in so many wonderful, fabulous, amazing ways, and I would not change a single second.

August 2, 2005
WOW...a year ago today I started this online journal. How weird is it that a year has passed?! It seems like just yesterday, and yet at the same time it seems like a million lifetimes ago. I am a whole different person now! Many people would say, "yes, but you are still the same person at heart." That's true, but I hope I am so much more than that. I had forgotten how to laugh and flirt and be happy in my own skin. I had forgotten I have a pretty wild inner child who loves to have fun and live life and not feel so old and stressed and tired all the time. I forgot who I was and who I could be when I was feeling more like myself!

August 5, 2005
My dreams are beginning to reflect my restlessness. The things I dream about at night are mirroring the things that make me restless to think about during the day. It's clear I need excitement and stimulation in my life, and it's something I'm not getting during the waking hours. So when the sleeping hours come around, my mind wanders to all the things it might like to do and see and touch and feel and experience...and live. Feeling so restless during the day is hard enough. Having to feel like I'm living out those restless fantasies at night when I'm sleeping makes it even harder during the day. My dreams have always been very vivid, as if I am actually experiencing them. My dreams are always first-person, so there is no separation where I am watching myself doing things. It's always as if it's actually happening, and they've been so vivid in the past that I actually had to remind myself when I woke up that they weren't real. The sensations are like I'm right there in that moment.

What to do with all this restlessness is the question. I don't want to burden my husband with these feelings because he won't understand or agree that it's important. But he is the one who should be helping me. It's not his job to entertain me and make me feel sexy every second of the day, but that's exactly what I need right now. How do I communicate to him that I need this in my life without hurting his feelings and making him feel like there is something missing from our lives together?

August 9, 2005
I think I've discovered the key to my restlessness. First, I need to start going back to the gym and get out of the house more. Lately, all I've done is work, work, work, and when I get home, I just want to kick back and do nothing. Going to the gym will make me feel better AND it will give me something to occupy my time. Second, I'm not spending time with my husband because he's been working nights. When I leave to go to work, he is asleep. When he comes home, I'm asleep. We only see each other for a few hours on Saturdays, and we're usually doing errands and other stuff with family. Then he's off on Sundays, but we don't really do anything. He has asked his boss to schedule him for a few day shifts a week instead of nights so we can spend more time together. Last night, it was great having him here and knowing he would be here tonight, too. I think part of the problem is that we're not seeing each other but once or twice a week, and it's so hard to feel connected when you're never near each other. I love him. I really do. My restlessness is an unfortunate byproduct of our schedules. It's hard to get so much attention from people, especially men, during the day and then not have attention at night from the one person you actually WANT it from.

August 16, 2005
Having my husband at home more has been great, but I still love the attention I get during the day when I'm at work! LOL I'm feeling more restless than ever on the personal front since I found out today that I did NOT get the job I wanted in Nashville . Many of my friends are happy that we will not be moving to Nashville , but they are also compassionate in how they express that as they can see that I am very disappointed. Believe it or not, this is the first job I've ever interviewed for that I did not get hired for. There were a few I was offered a job for and did not take, but this is the first one that I flat out did not get the job. It feels pretty bad, but I am determined not to go home and stuff my face to make myself feel better. There has to be a better way to deal with disappointment.