Question:
How can I decrease my sex drive after WLS?
Okay, this better post anonymously. Since having WLS 9 months ago, I find that my sex drive has dramaticlly increased. The problem is I don't have a partner. Therefor, I seem to find myself engaging in risky behaviors. I am taking men home just to sleep with them and then throwing them away. I have had many 1 night stands in the last three months. Is there anything I can do or take to decrease my sex drive somewhat? I want to continue having sex, just not "needing" it so much. Any advice (please don't bash me. I do this to myself enough) — [Anonymous] (posted on July 12, 2001)
July 12, 2001
How about self control?
— [Anonymous]
July 12, 2001
Yes I agree with the previous post. Self control, or abstanence. Have you
heard of HIV or AIDS?? Hope you are using protection with these one night
stands. Talk to your doctor, maybe there is some kind of pill??
— [Anonymous]
July 12, 2001
I don't know of any pills you can take to decrease sex drive, but I am not
certain that it would help to take a pill anyway. I engaged in risky
behavior(alcohol, drugs, binge eating, compulsive shopping and sex) like
this when I was feeling very out of control. Your coping mechanism was
probably food and now its gone so maybe you are changing to a different
coping mechanism. I would say to try some therapy or a support group
maybe. It's not for everyone, but sometimes it can really help. By the
way don't be so hard on yourself. You have just undergone major surgery
and that took a lot of courage. You have also brought up this issue and
that can be difficult. Give yourself a pat on the back and take some time
to tune into the feelings beneath the surface. Good luck with everything
and email me if you want to chat:-)
— Sara A
July 12, 2001
You are feeling so good about the "new you" you are making up for
lost time aren't you? I know - I've been there and done that. This is a
worry I have for myself. I think it is one of the reasons the doctors say
you will be overwelm with emotions. Then you may be having a fload of
hormones. I also think that for me- my promiscuity - is another reason I
hid behind my fat. You could ask your doctor about an antidepressant. Sex
can be an addiction just as food, alcohol, and drugs can be. Something the
previous poster has obviously never had a problem with.
— K T.
July 12, 2001
Two more things - I didn't mean the previous poster I meant the anonymous
poster who told you to practice self control. Another thing is I agree -
maybe you are replacing one mechanism for another and need to get to the
root of the problem.
— K T.
July 12, 2001
Prozac and Welbutrin will kill your sex drive some. I should know. :(
— Danmark
July 12, 2001
LIKE THE LAST POST SAID, PROZAC IS THE DEATH PENALTY FOR SEX DRIVE.
— [Anonymous]
July 12, 2001
I can sure see why you posted this one anonymously!!! Anyway I found that
when I was on the Depo Shot that it also lowered my sex drive. My
boyfriend wasn't too happy with that at all.lol It accually made me not
want ANYONE to touch me. Maybe, if yours is so high it will make it
normal? Hope this helps.
— [Anonymous]
July 12, 2001
OK, I am another anonymour responder, Sorry, I think you got a few good
answers so I will add my two cents in with those. I think replacing a food
addiction with a sexual addiction could be a real possibility. It could
also be that sex is just great and feels wonderful, especially if you are
feeling lonely and needing some reassurance or TLC. I think the main
concern is the risks involved with indescriminate sex with strangers
regarding your health and the possibility of physical harm. Up to and
including death.
There is a difference in sex drive and promiscuity. some people act out
sexually even though they have a normal sex drive and some people who have
a normal sex drive are celibate. It is due it part to the choices we make,
it sounds like you are making some poor choices and ones that you are not
feeling good about. That is great, some people do not even pay attention
to how the behave let alone how they feel about it. I would suggest
finding a good therapist who has experience and is comfortable with issues
regarding sexuality and addictions. It is true that for many patients the
antidepressants Prozac and Zoloft decrease libido but unless you need the
med for depression why take it when what you want to do is to reduce your
harmful behaviors, not decrease feelings of vitality. Good Luck, I hope
you will keep us posted. Sorry I am too chicken to post my name but I just
don't want to risk email criticism of my response.
— [Anonymous]
July 12, 2001
Don't beat yourself up for this. You're nothing more than a normal human
being with desires just like the rest of us. I don't have much to say
here, other than take care of yourself and use protection. If you want to
seek therapy, that's great, there are excellent therapists out there who
deal well with sexual issues that can help you. But no matter what, take
care of yourself first and foremost, cause no one's more important than
you.
— Dee P.
July 12, 2001
Ok, well this is a little on the body chemistry side that you may want to
check into. Fat stores hormones, therefore when you lose weight quickly a
very large flood of hormones hits the bloodstream. This is why a lot of
people become very fertile after surgery in the first year or so. Have you
hormones checked. It is possible you just need some fine tuning of hormal
blood levels. This would be my first step. If all is well on that front
consider getting some counseling or religion, which ever you would feel
more comfortable w/. As a last resort stop by an adult toy shop online or
brick and mortar. I'm sure there is something there that will let you take
the edge of and keep your dignity. PS I have had relationships based
soley on sex so I'm not bashing you.
— Jennifer H.
July 12, 2001
I think what you are experiencing is normal after weight loss. You are
probably feeling very in tune with your sexuality and enjoying the male
attention. I have always been somewhat of a 'flirt' myself, obese or not.
How about sending some action my way? LOL. Just remember to use protection,
AND.... it is sooo much more when it's someone special. :-)
— [Anonymous]
July 12, 2001
Yes I am a chicken today just because my mother reads this board. I know
when I lost a lot of weight last year my sex drive went through the roof I
could not get enough. My husband was turning me down! I felt so sexy being
slimmer and the fact that I could move better. I felt like a new sexy
machine. I totally know how you feel and for the people who said that you
need "self control" it is so easy to be negative. I applaud you
for your courage to speak out about something that most people wouldn't
even talk about. I agree that you are just loving your new self and your
new body and all of the attention that you are getting. However I truly do
believe that you should talk to someone about your feelings I feel as
though this is more mental than physical. Take Care. Chicken.
— [Anonymous]
July 12, 2001
I feel the need to talk about my early 'trial and error' approach to sex
and sexuality as an example of how not to do it, and how it has had a long
lasting consequence in my life. Bear with me...I will try not be tawdry.
I grew up in the 70's, a time of birth-control pills, free sex and
"love". My parent's values were to boisterously argue with each
other, never demonstrating much tenderness for each other. The spoken
rules of our house were "No sex before marriage!" When I asked
why, 'don't get pregnant' was the essence of the conversation.
I had two much older sisters who were of little to no help. When I turned
14, my oldest sister, who was in the Army, made a point to educate me about
sex..."make sure you have a tissue so you can spit it out". I
was grossed out, but thought, OK, this is what adults do for sex. However,
later that summer, I dated a 20 year old man who touched me gently, and
that felt wonderful...I knew I was on to something mysteriously important.
I attended church camp and was the only girl who said she wanted to be a
virgin when I got married. I was laughed at by my peers, most of whom had
paired up into couples. I felt lumpish and ugly, when one boy said, 'yeah,
you probably will be!' Clearly being sexually desirable was important, but
I also got mixed messages to be sexually undesirable. My parents made
belittling comments about my appearance and ridiculed my attempts to 'be
pretty'.
At 16, I went to work in a hospital with interns and nurses, who seemed so
cool to me. They had lovers and threw wild parties. I knew I was
jailbait, so I looked in from the periphery. I thought, this is the way to
be...smart people, having fun, no big deal. I dated in high school, but
being a 'big girl', bright, severely nearsighted and sharp tongued, dating
was rare. The one boy who did date me, told me once while at dinner at a
fine restaurant, that he took me out because he felt sorry for me. I went
to the bathroom, cried in my rage and humiliation, then went back to the
table and thanked him. I made it up to him by making out with him.
Ashamed for being such an ugly girl, wanting to show my gratitude, and
giving him what he wanted. But I enjoyed it too, at least the physical
part.
I got real intellectual about the whole thing and decided to go on the pill
when I was 17, because I just knew I would 'get laid' by the time I was 18.
I was on a mission. Sure enough, a few weeks before my birthday, I went
to a party and intentionally 'loosened up' with whiskey. I saw a stranger I
wanted and went and kissed him. We went to a hallway and made out some
more, and well, I had my first experience in a drunken stupor in the
hostess' bedroom. I soiled her blanket with my virginal blood. She walked
in on us and was angry. I paid her for the blanket and gave him a fake
number when he asked, figuring he wouldn't call anyway and at least I could
say I dumped him first.
This led to a number of 'one-night stands', including a time when, in
retrospect, I was "date raped". Again, I thought, 'Oh, well,
that is just how this is supposed to happen.' I met my first real boyfriend
when I was 19. He was very needy and I needed to be needed. I was
concerned because he would find out I wasn't a virgin (see, it was still
important to me). But then I figured, the sooner we were having sex, the
sooner he would forget about it. We didn't last for many reasons.
When we broke up, I swore I would never need a man again. I would use them
for sexual pleasure, but never rely on them or let them near me emotionally
again. I became as self reliant as possible. I was 20 years old and
structuring my life to avoid emotional intimacy.
I continued to date, but always as a sexual predator. And pretty soon,
that no longer satisfied me. I got spiritual in my late 20's and every
time I saw a man's face over me during sex, he looked, well, devilish...I
know it sounds crazy. But I just couldn't let anybody near me and I
struggled to understand why.
Finally, it occurred to me. I am a child of God, worth more than rubies
and emeralds, worthy of only the finest of intimacy in the confines of a
relationship with a man who loves me and who is willing to do so forever.
I became celibate. Sure I slipped a few times just to be certain, but I
always came back to the awareness that sex without love is wholly
unsatisfying, worse for the deep loneliness that lingers afterwards.
Now, at 43, I wonder if I will ever find someone who loves me. I have had
a man in my life now who loves me, but won't kiss or touch me. It has
helped me to see myself as something other than just a sexual being. I am
working to repair the damage that a low self-esteem has done to my body,
mind and soul. I know, peacefully, that I can live without a man, but I am
no longer driven to shut a man out of my heart.
I wish I had lived in a family that taught me it was okay to be pretty,
that I was beautiful in my own special sort of way, that it was okay to
talk about feelings in relationships, okay to buck peer pressure, and that
I was worthy of waiting for that special someone. Life may have turned out
different, but, I got what I got and it has given me a unique perspective.
So, forget about sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy as reasons to
not have sex. The most important reason for abstinence is that you and I
deserve only the most intimate of embraces, in the most holy of
relationships, not in lust, but in Love. We are worth waiting for that one
person who is right for us. I am now dating a man who I met before I lost
weight, who doesn't seem to care one way or the other. He is tender and
caring and kind and we are courting, affectionate, without sex. I much
prefer that, even though I battle my sex drive, especially just before my
period. I know now that I can control how I respond to ALL my appetites,
be they for food or sex. I know to have them is natural and good, but to
have them be a compulsive acting out, beyond what is reasonable and wise is
the result of being unwell. Good Luck to you as you discover who you are
now that you have a new body.
— merri B.
July 12, 2001
The previous poster needs to grow up. A comment like that posted
anonymously is heartless and they should be ashamed.
Just because losing weight may make sex more enjoyable for some doesn't
mean we all should want it all the time. Sex is like any other enjoyable
thing in life, there is such a thing as too much of a good thing,
especially if you find your new found urges are putting you in risky
situations.
Isn't it terrible that when one confesses to unflattering actions that we
are judged? I'll be if you were a man acting in this fashion few people
would even blink. We all make mistakes, good for you for asking for help.
You might want to talk to your doctor about help with hormone control..
everything I've read says that fat cells store hormones and as we 'melt
away' those horemones are released to our bodies.
I wish you the best of luck and will be praying that you get the help you
need. In his day and age casual sex can be deadly, please protect
yourself.
— Joscelin
July 13, 2001
I can relate, and I suspect a lot of other people can too but might be
afraid to admit it.
I have a very strong sex drive normally and in my younger years slept with
many men just to satisfy myself. For the usual reasons, I eventually came
to understand that the more partners you have, the more risk you expose
yourself to. Plus I got to the point where I couldn't have a lasting
relationship with any man; I could only deal with men on a sexual level.
About six years ago I basically went "celibate", satisfying
myself via masturbation (yes, women do this too!). I was lonely, but I had
more self-respect. A little over a year ago I began getting serious
migraines, and the neurologist put me on antidepressants. As a result my
sex drive is at a 'normal' level for the first time in my life. And not
coincidentally, I believe, I now am in a real relationship with a wonderful
guy. Sex is a part of it, but for the first time it's not the only part of
it.
All this is basically to say that I think you should probably talk to a
doctor (a psychologist might be a good place to start) about your
hyperdrive, the underlying motivations for your compulsion to indulge in
risky behaviors, and what can be done to help you. Sex feels great, but so
does eating, and in the end, anything in excess can be dangerous.
Oh and re: the posters telling you to get religion: a spiritual focus *can*
help you with self-control as far as the risky behaviors are concerned, but
do not under any circumstances let anyone tell you that simply having a sex
drive is wrong, or that religion will take away the sex drive. You are
what you are and the best way to self-control is self-awareness and
self-respect. Good luck.
— [Anonymous]
July 13, 2001
I want to thank everyone that posted an answer to this question in a
helpful & nurturing way. I also have been going a little
"crazy" in the sex dept. since I lost over 140lbs after WLS. In
my case I don't even enjoy the sex (seemed to have lost most of my
sensitivity "down there" since surgery) but relish the closeness
and the attention. I am seeking a close emotional relationship but feel at
this time this is the best I can do (& yes I know this is wrong)
— [Anonymous]
July 13, 2001
I think you should contact a DR.and as them what you can do,don't be
embarrassed they hear it all the time.
Be very careful who you bring home they could be nuts or murderers,some
people assume sex means love even when the other person doesn't mean for it
to seem that way.
so please be careful.
and NO being a christian does not make your sex drive go away.
That is BULL,I am married and a Christian and yes I am still fat and I have
way more sex drive than my Hubby,and masterbation is not a crime,don't be
ashamed of it,Women are the only people that have a organ just for
pleasure,(the Clitoris)God wouldn't have given it to us if he didn't want
us to use it right?
And I also agree that stopping by an adult toy store could really help,It
may not be as much fun as having a partner but it is alot safer than
picking up strangers.
Good Luck to you!!
— Brandy P.
July 13, 2001
Hi:) wow you've gotten some wild responses to this question. You didn't say
whether or not you have been heavy your whole life, but if you were you
probably missed a lot of the dating and heavy pawing in cars and all the
attention and stuff that goes with being *normal* sized. This is, of
course, just a guess on my part, but maybe you don't know how to say no, to
handle the attention and keep the guy around without sex. Maybe you're
making up several years at once? I rarely recommend therapy, but perhaps a
therapist could help you mentally adjust to being in a new and suddenly
*attractive to lots of men* body, and help you cope with all the feelings
that are coming up. As I said, this is all conjecture, but I wish you the
best and hope you find some answers here that help you.
— Becky K.
July 13, 2001
We are all human. And in being human, we all have needs such as
food,sex,shelter,spiritual needs etc,etc. This is just basic psychology. I
am not knocking you. I'm just adding my 2cents worth into the conversation.
I am not the morality police here. But I wonder how many ministers are
having sex with their parishoners. Or how many church leaders are out there
having their little flings or even second families for that matter. So to
say find a church, find the Lord and all of that other is not addressing
the need of everyones basic sexual need. I do agree that finding a good
therapist may help without being judgemental. A therapist will guide your
psyche without feeling guilty. In my weight loss, my sexual desire has
increased 10 fold even though I have been without a partner for
*cough,cough* for 8 years. I have my own hangups about casual sex so I'm
not good at one night stands. I guess that comes from a prudish mom and
grandmother who did the "dirty deed" lol more than once or my
parents,aunts,siblings or I would not be here in this world. If it had not
been for one of my aunts who bucked the family's way of thought, I would
have so many hangups about sex I would not know which way is up. She was
the only one in which I could talk to about sex. In not being good with one
night stands and not having a man in my life at the time, I do miss the
intamicy a great deal. I do have a special object that helps me get over
the rough spots but sometimes you want to be held, talked to and someone to
socialize with. I wish you luck and please use protection
— [Anonymous]
July 13, 2001
I have a patient who recently lost her husband. She has chosen to continue
taking Depo-Provera shots because they keep her sex drive low. Not
everyone reacts this way to the shot but it may be worth a one shot trial.
Contact your OB/GYN too. They can help you make the best decision to
protect you from your "risky" behavior. Please, please remember
partners do not come with STD labels. You cannot see most STD's even with
a "close" inspection. Be safe!
— Shannon S.
July 18, 2001
Yeah, right... God is the answer to everyone of man's "evil"
activities.
I really resent the Bible Banging religious right blabbing their
"message" to anyone that will listen, or at least stop, and look
at them funny.
I for one will not be party to any Cult no matter how "organized"
they may be.
And by "Cult" I mean any religion be it Christianity, Budhism, or
Judaism to name a few.
Organized religion tries to Vilify the Human race for doing what comes
natural to us!
I guess what I am trying to say is It's your life so do what you like.
If its fun, do it!
Do what thou Whilst!
(I may not be a Satanist, or a Witch but I sure talk like one sometimes).
Whatever you do at least be intelligent about it, and be safe. Like some of
the other Posters have said, and you should already know. We live in a very
dangerous time for diseases, and you could be putting yourself at great
risk.
— sbinkerd1
July 18, 2001
Hey, the subject/thread that won't go away...I feel myself being sucked in
to comment! Anyhow, I must agree that losing weight does mess up the
hormones! A increase or possibly decrease in sex would be expected. Check
with your Doc, or a Psych if you feel it is a issue/problem. If you are
doing things you would rather not do (no matter what it is: driving without
wearing a seatbelt, drinking too much, having sex or not sharing the remote
control), then I say get help in changing your behaviour if you do not like
what you are doing.. However you do that is entirely up to you. If you
are just feeling guilty, please don't! Guilt sucks. I try and take my own
advice.
I have been on Prozac for about 3 years, and while I may not desire tons of
sex, I DID find that once I shed the lbs. I was finding myself (a happily
married woman) attracted to 105.3 million other men (and EVEN looking at
other men which I never did). So while your sex drive may decrease, the
attractions won't! I even have stupid crushes. I have no interest in
breaking my marriage vows, my husband is a great guy and I love him
completely!!! Still I do have pangs of guilt about the way I feel but I
really think it is my HORMONES that are freaky and this too shall pass. I
just tell myself to deal with it (get ovah it!) and try and laugh it off.
I really think it is just a phase. So check out the hormones, perhaps a
mood stabilizer will work for you..
On another note, for the others who responded to you- no matter what path
you chose (be it God, Med. or Psych.) the purpose of this forum is for us
to get different responses from different people. Since we all have
different needs/cures/suggestions etc. we end up with different answers-
and what works for some may not work for others- but still you must respect
the fact that this is a free q&a forum, we ask for opinions and we get
them. When people mention God, it is because it worked for them. They are
trying to help you by telling you what helped them. Bringing Religion into
a answer is not just to convert you to their faith, it is a honest
response, and probably the only one they know. So chill, and ignore if you
must. We all ignore the snotty remarks that are made; so if you don't
AGREE with a suggestion, just know that someone may not AGREE with yours.
No need to get into a debate!
PEACE.
— Karen R.
July 18, 2001
Hey, the subject/thread that won't go away...I feel myself being sucked in
to comment! Anyhow, I must agree that losing weight does mess up the
hormones! A increase or possibly decrease in sex would be expected. Check
with your Doc, or a Psych if you feel it is a issue/problem. If you are
doing things you would rather not do (no matter what it is: driving without
wearing a seatbelt, drinking too much, having sex or not sharing the remote
control), then I say get help in changing your behaviour if you do not like
what you are doing.. However you do that is entirely up to you. If you
are just feeling guilty, please don't! Guilt sucks. I try and take my own
advice.
I have been on Prozac for about 3 years, and while I may not desire tons of
sex, I DID find that once I shed the lbs. I was finding myself (a happily
married woman) attracted to 105.3 million other men (and EVEN looking at
other men which I never did). So while your sex drive may decrease, the
attractions won't! I even have stupid crushes. I have no interest in
breaking my marriage vows, my husband is a great guy and I love him
completely!!! Still I do have pangs of guilt about the way I feel but I
really think it is my HORMONES that are freaky and this too shall pass. I
just tell myself to deal with it (get ovah it!) and try and laugh it off.
I really think it is just a phase. So check out the hormones, perhaps a
mood stabilizer will work for you..
On another note, for the others who responded to you- no matter what path
you chose (be it God, Med. or Psych.) the purpose of this forum is for us
to get different responses from different people. Since we all have
different needs/cures/suggestions etc. we end up with different answers-
and what works for some may not work for others- but still you must respect
the fact that this is a free q&a forum, we ask for opinions and we get
them. When people mention God, it is because it worked for them. They are
trying to help you by telling you what helped them. Bringing Religion into
a answer is not just to convert you to their faith, it is a honest
response, and probably the only one they know. So chill, and ignore if you
must. We all ignore the snotty remarks that are made; so if you don't
AGREE with a suggestion, just know that someone may not AGREE with yours.
No need to get into a debate!
PEACE.
— Karen R.
May 21, 2002
Ok, I always seem to find the old questions. Does not anyone ask questions
anymore? Anyway... yes I believe in God. NO I do not think that will take
away your sex drive. I have always had a high sex drive (I am female). I
don't know how I will stop myself should that rise higher after my WLS. All
I know is I will try to find one person to experiment with.. but I have
done more before. I always felt guilty... Just keep trying to be who you
want. Good luck! PS Please, stop bashing each other. God or no God in your
answer is just that "your answer".. If you don't like someone
else talking about God, it does not help the person who asked the question
for you to just argue over that.
— sweetglow
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