Ms S.
August 4,2007
Aug 04, 2007
In a way, I'm glad everything seems to be ok...I know I didn't "bust the staples". However, I'm just as much disappointed, cuz I keep thinking, does this mean I have done something wrong? Does this mean I will not have success w/the DS? I'm not sure how I'm feeling right now. The radiologists assistant said my Dr will go over the results with me after the Dr writes his report....
Luv Sharon
August 2, 2007
Now! What I really came on here to share with you (has absolutely NOTHING to do with WLS).
SOOOOO....
Yesterday, I had to go to child support court. My ex-husband had some paying to do. I've managed to avoid speaking w/him since January due to one incident too many of sheer stupidity and lies. I decided to spend this year taking care of me, regardless of how bad it hurt. So I've done so, rather well, and though I've missed the evil bastard, I made no effort to contact him.
He kept talking to me though I clearly didnt want to talk to him. That didnt stop him. He kept on. After court was over, I left and as I was walking away from the courthouse, he startled me, coming up from behind, and again, started talking to me. I realized after a series of short answers to his questions that he wasnt leaving and I needed to speak. So I did.
And it poured out of my soul. It poured like honey that I still loved him and wanted to be with him so bad but that there was nothing I could do to make him be who I needed him to be, not only for me, but for our babies, and even for himself. I told him it was that much easier to avoid him than to see him do the things he does, to himself and to those who love him.
He listened intently and kept saying, "I know I messed up Baby, I'm so sorry". I wouldve been more interested in what he was saying had I eaten breakfast. So, I told him I hadn't eaten yet and my blood sugar was getting low.
We went to Sonic first to get something to drink as it was hot as hell in San Anto yesterday. While we waited, he brought me up to speed on his "moment of clarity", sharing with me how he reached it. This was painful to me because I see him going through a lot in his life that (while he does deserve it for the way he treated me and the kids) still....
We went to Quizno's got one large sandwich to split between us, and went to San Pedro park. I'd never been. He said when he was little, his dad took him there to play. He showed me the spring fed pool he used to dip in and as he spoke my heart was melting away. We sat to eat our sandwich on a dingy picnic table, and he cleaned and cleared it for us. We opened the sandwich and prepared it like the old married couples, knowing exactly who got what and how much to put where. As if we'd never been apart. Then he took my hand, leaned over and kissed me. I didn't resist. So he kissed me again. A long, sensual, beautiful kiss. This time, I closed my eyes and kissed back.
Then, this pain. This hurt. This anger, this, this........AAAAAAAAAH
! I turned away. I couldn't look at him, I could only look away. And weep. Oh, friends, if only you knew where we'd been and what we'd been through. There are some horrific things this man and I shared and all the pain just came through at that moment. Then, his cell phone rang. It was about a job but it was enough to help me recover from the tears of the moment. I needed that. We continued to talk and eat and play catch up as much as we could (until one fly too many got on our nerves). When we walked away, I didnt want it to be over...but I knew I had to make it clear that this was it. I didnt want to go back to that 'place' I live in when he's in my life. So, he agreed that yesterday, would be our last day together, and we'd enjoy it as best as we could.
So, he came along to run some errands with me. Somewhere in there, he caressed my thigh and it was pretty clear what was about to happen if I didnt put the brakes on it. So, did I? Ummm, no....
It lasted all of maybe a minute. And we did it in the back seat of my car. In an alley. With mosquitos.
But, Oh, it was so wonderful to be with him again. And when it was over, and we realized we had our asses out, in the backseat of my car, an alley, with mosquitos, we decided to put the twins car seats back in the car and get outta there. He called his job unexpectedly and told them he wouldnt be in. Said he never thought it would happen but that I was talking to him again and he didnt want to mess this up.
I told him I had to go. I had things to do. He asked if he could come with and I told him no. I had to go. I told him I'd drop him off at an appointment he'd scheduled. He wanted me to wait for him, "Thirty minutes, Sharon, please". I said I couldnt. No, he couldnt come with me. He realized he needed to go, and wrote his phone number on the receipt for the condoms we'd just bought *and used*, and told me if I wanted to "work this out, or have sex", call him.
When my ex-husband got out of the car, he lingered, as if he were waiting for me to say something. And God knows I wanted to say something.
But I didn't.
And he walked away. And my heart broke again. Because I love that evil bastard. I love him so much. But I could never tame him. And I want to be safe.
Last night. Today. Tonight. I can't stop thinking of him. I wish I wasnt so weak when it comes to him. Was it loneliness? Was it selfishness? Was it hornyness? I wish I just kept walking, got in my car, and left, never to see him again. My heart is aching again.
All I have left of yesterday is a phone number I cannot bring myself to throw away, an itchy ass, and a broken heart.
I am so sad right now.
Luv Sharon
July 25, 2007
Jul 25, 2007
I called my OB/GYN (Dr Karen Carcamo, Institute for Womens Health in San Antonio)....I absolutely LOVE my DR. She's been my OB/GYN since 2000 which is impressive since I changed Dr's many, many times. At one point, I had a Dr who apparently was put off by me having an apron and I swear she acted like she didnt want to touch it, let alone lift it...even though she was supposed to be pressing to feel my uterus. Yeah, that was embarrassing. I've had male Gyno's but I keep thinking, "How can you tell me anything about my vagina if you don't have one?" . I've had Gyno's who spoke to me like I assume they speak to their wife or daughters: as if I was more a disgusting distraction than a bitch whose appointment is contributing to paying off their student loans.
Yeah, no telling how many Gyno's saw my woo-hoo until I found her
. Dr Carcamo delivered my twins healthfully and took extra care to make sure I had the appropriate nutrients as she was aware of my RNY status. I feel like I could tell her almost anything. Anywhoo, so Dr Carcamo's nurse called in my orders for the Upper GI series with Marshmallow's and the dreaded mammogram. Since when is 35 old enough to require the mammogram? I thought it was 40. Better question, since when am I old? I'll be doing the tests on 08/03...Wish me luck....
Luv Sharon
July 15, 2007
Jul 15, 2007
When he was little, Tim would draw Transformers, played with Transformers, watched the Transformers cartoon, and basically wouldn't shut up about the Transformers. And with this movie, I feel his spirit is dancing away and it keeps telling me to go see the movie for him. Like I said, I know it's corny but I've been thinking of him sooo much since this movie was released and now that we've come to this day, I'm once again saddened by this. I'd give almost anything to hear him running his mouth about the damn Transformers now.
Luv Sharon
July 7, 2007
Jul 07, 2007
Still Doc shopping. Someone mentioned Dr Kesheshian (sp) out of Cali. I went to the website and wow. Ton's of info...only thing missing complete cost info. Not to worry; I'll contact them on Monday to get additional info...
I will be searching for a Doc until I find THE ONE. Hopefully, I'll do better in choosing a Dr than I do in choosing husbands... 
Luv Sharon
July 6, 2007
Jul 06, 2007
I was advised:
a) I would not be a revision, rather, an RNY to DS CONVERSION and
b) Yes, it would cost more upfront---$10,000 up front, BEFORE billing the insurance and
c) They are only doing surgeries 2wks in January '08...
Wow. This gets a bit overwhelming at times. Well, I better figure out how to rob Peter to pay Paul. I will have this surgery no later than January '08. I need to get moving on my pre-ops and get the paperwork in to Dr Rabkins office cuz if there are only two weeks for me to pick a surgery date, I want 1st dibs!
Luv Sharon
July 4, 2007
Jul 04, 2007
When I saw the Dr supervising my 'multidisciplinary approach' last week, she asked why I wanted the DS. I explained because of the long term success in maintaining the weight loss. She said yes, but there are a lot of complications so she wants me to talk to Dr P (another WLSurgeon) first. I'm hoping he isn't going to try to debate the issue with me or that he's not going to try to convince me to go back to the RNY.
I absolutely do not want another RNY...not even a distal. I heard someone somewhere say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different result. I must have DS or nothing. I dont want to be a 3x revision. RNY works for a whole lot of people-- I'm just not one of them. And I'm finally 'okay' with that but it took me years of seeing so many RNY successes and feeling like the only failure before I began to accept that it's not just me.
In any case, I'm ready for whatever. I look at the profiles of those who've made it to goal and wonder why many are so modest. I know in my heart of hearts that if I were to get to goal (145 in my mind), I would not be modest at all. Victorias Secret and Fredericks clothes would be my best friends. I swear I would. And why not? I spent my entire adult life being fat and being ugly. No, it's not low self esteem, I'm a realist, and I'm not stupid. I know what beauty is...not only in my eyes but in the eyes of society. There is very little about me that says "beauty". I want to look the way I've always felt inside. I want to feel the way I should at 35, not feeling like I'm an 80 year old woman.
'Chic Mommy'; I want to be the mom with the energy to run after the kids, play with them and look cute doing it. Why not me? I feel that way mentally, I just don't feel it physically and certainly don't look it. Am I vain for deciding I want more? Better health, better looks, better lifestyle? Yes, there are plenty of beautiful big women. Yes, there are many women who are completely healthy apart from obesity. If I was truly a healthy BBW, I wouldn't even consider going through this mess again. But far from healthy, I look sick.
I am sick.
Luv Sharon*
