November 15, 2008
This is going to be a very hard update to write as I have had so many significant events/obstacles/opportunities occur since October 2007. I am mostly writing this update for my own personal benefit. I have not taken the time to reflect upon much of what has occurred in the past 13 months. I hope that this will help me to be honest with myself, continue to work through my issues and to re-establish what is truly important in my life.
After my weight loss surgery, I began to regain my energy, attitude, and spirit that I had slowly lost during my struggle with obesity. I became who I was at 18 again. I have always been a very social person, it was just not as noticeable while I was overweight. Whether it was the fact that people were ignoring me or I was hiding myself because of my weight, my friends and my family became to know me as a quiet, unmotivated and shy person. I would like to state that I was extremely depressed on and off from 2000-2006.
As the weight came off, my personality started to shine through again. People who had not known me prior to my extreme weight gain began to share their “thoughts” with me. They felt that my personality was changing for the worse. If I talked to a person in the grocery store, parking lot, work or ESPECIALLY at a bar or event, my friends and family believed that I was “trying to make myself feel better by flirting with anyone and everyone”.
After a while, people who had known me for my entire life (prior to my weight gain) began to comment that my personality had changed. They were all right; my personality had changed from the depressed, quiet/shy, lazy person I had BECOME. Something I learned from this was that you can argue with any person who views you differently than you view yourself, but it will save you a lot of breathe if you simply let it play out over time. If they are your true friend and/or sincere family member, they will come to realize that you are changing both physically and emotionally. They can either get to know the “old/new” you or they can pack their bags and send you a post card from Closed Mindedville.
In October 2007, I found out what the term “rock bottom” means. In my opinion, it is when an individual hits the lowest point in their life. There may be things that occur in the future that will be worse, but at that exact point in time you are pulling every ounce of energy you can muster to get through your “bottom”.
I am not going to elaborate, but I will post that I was raped, beaten and cut. I had extreme anxiety and tried to “deal” with it the best way I could. For me, that meant I buried myself in work; I avoided driving through parts of my city; I was afraid to come home, so I would stay with friends in another town. There were many times that I would have an extreme anxiety attack when I would drive into the city where I lived because it was the same city where this occurred. Basically, I was running away with my tail tucked between my legs. I now realize that was not the best way for me to deal with all of the emotional and physical side effects of rape, but it was the only way I thought I could cope at that exact point in my life.
Because I was working so much or staying with friends in another town, my relationship with my husband and children was rapidly going downhill. My husband and I have always had an amazing friendship, but there was always a continuous struggle to maintain anything more than that. Sometimes, I believe that the only reason my relationship lasted as long as it did is because I did not believe that I would be able to make it on my own. I was terrified of being “alone”. The time away gave me the knowledge and strength that I needed to believe in myself. My husband and I have been separated since the beginning of this year. We moved into our own residences in June 2008.
I am happy to say that I have a great relationship with my “exiting husband”. We were always such good friends and we were able to maintain that. It was NOT easy. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Although I may not be “IN love” with him, I will always love him as one of the closest friends that I will ever have in my life. It hurt me so much to know how much I hurt him when I left. The best thing about our relationship was our ability to have sincere conversations. We talked about how I was feeling, how he was feeling and we did try to work on it. We started counseling, etc. All the effort put forth did not save our marriage, but I believe that we are able to remain friends because of all of this. (Even after he started dating my friend of 12 years! LOL)
I have always struggled with anxiety and when I began living on my own for the 1st time in my entire life, it got really bad. I couldn’t stand to be at home. I do not like to watch TV because I find it annoying and I wasn’t able to sleep for more than 2-3 hours a night. That leaves a lot of time in one day. I began hanging out with some friends at bars. Although I began to drink a lot more frequently than I ever had in my entire life, I was not drinking most of the time I was at the bar. I began playing pool and meeting a bunch of new people. I found out how much I like to sign karaoke. I was having what I thought to be the best time of my life.
Again, all I accomplished by this was avoiding what was and is necessary for me to deal with. In late August, I changed doctors and went in to discuss “episodes” that I was having 2-3 times a week. The week after my first appointment with my new doctor, I received multiple blood transfusions, and daily infusions. I was in the hospital more than I was at home or work. This next part I will explain in as simple of terms as possible, because I don’t always understand if in doctor wording. After many weeks of more testing, they told me I had a tumor. Not only did I have a tumor, it was completely obstructing the duct that it was in. In fact, it was so large that it caused a tear which then caused internal bleeding. The duct that was being restricted was backed up with some sort of fluid and that was poisoning my blood and organs.
In the past two months, I have taken more medication that anyone should have to take in their entire lifetime. I met with a fantastic specialist that somehow fit me into his 6 month fully booked schedule and he scheduled surgery. During surgery, they were going to repair the tear and attempt to completely remove the tumor. They weren’t able to completely remove it, but he “dissected” it as much as possible to leave very little restriction. After surgery was over, I was told we will wait and see. The next week dragged on and on. Benign. I never thought I would be waiting on that word at such a young age, if ever. I am so grateful for that answer.
Now, I am monitored on a weekly basis. I give myself shots weekly, go in once a week for infusions and will go through the same testing again in three months. If there continues to be issues and/or the tumor continues its growth, I will have a more invasive surgery to attempt complete removal.
The past three months have been scary, unnerving and life changing. I stated that I am very grateful for the results to come back benign; I am also grateful that I am going through these health issues. It is very hard to cope with but unfortunately, this is what it took to wipe me out of the downward spiral I have been in for the past year. In the past month I have proven my worth to many people that are important to me, but most importantly I proved it to myself.
I feel so much clearer now on what is and is not important in my life right now. I haven’t felt as joyful to be me as I do at this very moment in my life.
