jemaro
I don't even know where to start. I have so much drama. My name is Jenifer and I just made 34 earlier this month. I weigh 404lbs. I am crying with frustration as I write this. I'm so disgusted with myself. I was a skinny kid all the way till I was 12 yrs old. My mother was a very big woman herself (over 200lbs), and she didn't want her kids to be that way so she would portion our food and it worked out well. I was in a foster home due to physical child abuse from my step dad, well, I did just fine till I reached my 3rd foster home. The folks there was the best. Unfortunately for me though, they were excellent cooks and never told us no, or taught us about portion control. We could eat as much as we wanted, and boy did I ever. It only took me 3mos to go from skinny to 5'4" 164lbs. I was depressed a lot. My foster home was located in a very rural area so there were no parks or anywhere nearby to go for walks(the roads were graveled and extremely potholed). I started using food as a tool. I got bigger and bigger each year till I was about 16. I think I weighed about 220-250 and I stayed that way for about 2.5yrs. I was 18yrs old when I met my ex-husband and I gained about 80lbs in the 5yrs I was with him due to emotional and mental and (sometimes physical -on both our parts) abuse. I had absolutely no self esteem or self worth. I lost about 15-20lbs in the last few mos. only because I was literally starving. He was in the military and in another state for 7 mos and left me behind. I had no friends, nobody, hardly any money, till I got lucky and got a job on base to make just enough money for a one way ticket home. I was 22 and 304lbs. I started this diet and it actually worked! I was only on it for a month, but it was too expensive and I had to stop. I had dropped down to 284. OMG I was thrilled. I hadn't been under 300 for years, but it was all for nothing cause I gained it all back plus another 55lbs. I was a wreck. I wouldn't go out, I was too embarrassed. Somehow I lost some weight and dropped down to about 325-330lbs. That's when I met the man of my dreams. Within the first year of our relationship, at my heaviest I ballooned up to 421lbs, then down to 411 where I was when we got married in 2003. In 2004, I ended up losing about 40lbs due to working in a fast food restaurant and sweating my guts out, plus there were times when I just wasn't hungry, or I would get REALLY full by eating less then a skinny girl would be satisfied with. I don't know why that was, but I wasn't gonna look a gift horse in the mouth. I kept that weight off, and I was happy because at my heaviest my only goal was to lose enough lbs just so I could wipe my butt while sitting on the toilet again, instead of putting a leg up. This is very embarrassing to me, but I'm sure there are some of you out there who understand what that's like. Anyway, late last year I started taking insulin for my type 2 diabetes, and I did well, however, for some reason, it triggered my hunger and without realizing it I had gone from my usual 370lbs back up to 397ish, and I cried and cried and cried. I tried to make myself feel better by telling myself that's OK, at least you're still under 400. Well, guess what! I went to the docs yesterday and I am now 404. I've had it. Nothing has worked. I work as a cashier at Home Depot for 3 yrs now. That place is killing me. Within the first year I ended up getting bad heel spurs cause the floor is all concrete. Withing the second, I find out that the excruciating pain I have in my right ankle/foot from having a crooked foot due to walking funny during my heel spur period, and now this third year has been about excruciating calluses under my feet that are sooo painful I can barely walk, and when I do, it's slower than an old person. So I have had it, no more procrastinating. I have finally accepted the fact that I can't do it alone, so I am hoping and praying that my insurance will cover the surgery that I want so I can be free from pain and finally have a life, and no more drama.............
