Girl Trouble & Emotional Eating

I am nearly 4 weeks post op and today was the first day I've been emotional after surgery. What triggered it was an argument with my gf of 3 years. It was a rough day and the emotional eating tendencies kicked in.  I was at my desk at work and that anxiety came over me and I was going through my drawers trying to find something/anything to munch on. I keep nothing, so I popped 4 pieces of SF Fiber gummies. My sleeve ached because I hardly chewed them. I recognized what I just did for what it was - emotional eating. I was overwhelmed by the ache in my stomach and I began to cry because I didnt have that usual outlet for these kinds of days. It wasnt that I missed stuffing my face when my emotions had nowhere to turn, but I cried because I thought of all the times I had done it before, with so little reverence to my health.

But I am still hurt and upset and we are not currently speaking. And I'm even more sad that our emotions are this high just days before I close escrow on our house! This could very well be "the big one" that ends us.

Before I got surgery, I felt that my health was not well enough for children and so when we talked about kids I would tell her I'm giving up on that hope and if she wanted them she could have them.

(Background: I'm 32, she is 28. We are both obese)

I would say, though, that if she wanted kids I hoped she would consider the risks of being obese and pregnant and that I'd hope she would lose 100lbs before, or at the very least work on being healthy. Yesterday, she told me her doctor said she had HBP and of course I worried. Ok, I sort of lectured her, and she took offense because, I suppose, it's now easier for me to lose weight. Her eating habits have gotten worse since my surgery and I don't understand why. :(

I've changed so much in the last 4 weeks. I see food, my life, the future, possibilities just so very differently. I walk a lot, work out almost daily, and I just feel like maybe there is hope for me to fulfill my lifelong dream of having babies. Maybe one day I will feel SAFE in my body to do so, I really feel this will happen. I told her this, after my little lecture on her health, and she got so upset with me. She said it was already decided she would bear children first. But she has more time than I do - my bio clock is clicking mad, isnt it? I said she was being irrational and she started saying hurtful things and so I left. That was that, and now there is a void, and I'm quite sad.

A part of me feels like trudging on without this relationship. I feel she is not understanding the changes that are going on in my life and the hope I've had for so long coming back to life. I love her but I don't think she will ever understand what I am feeling and how I'm changing.

I'm a tearful mess right now because it's the only thing I can do - that, in itself, is so strange. I feel like I need an outlet for emotion, I just don't know what. Writing this helped.

Wowsers. You have a lot of change going on in your life! (I can relate). There's clearly something going on with your gf's emotions since you had surgery. Sounds like there needs to be some calm communication and thought about where your relationship and you future are headed.

32 isn't even close to the end of your biological clock. I see women 40-45 everyday all day. All pregnant. Almost all with safe healthy deliveries and babies!

What did your ache feel like? I am having some pain after I eat and I am trying to figure of if that is because I am eating too much.

It was a hollow ache, that started on the way down. Once the gummies were in my stomach felt funky. When i eat fast I feel very overwhelmed. If you feel pain every time that can't be good, maybe you should let your doc know. Good luck :)

Wow, it sounds like you have a lot of emotions flowing right now, no wonder you turned to what was familiar, food.  Well one day at a time, one meal at a time even, one time is not gonna break the bank and you will get back on track.  Do you think your girlfriend is maybe jealous of your choice and she just doesn't know how to respond?  I hope you can work it out, but if you can't then it wasn'tmeant to be, your weight loss is meant to be, and if it's her or someone else you will find someone to support your desicion. Hopefully she think about and realize you did you not only you but for her and your future family. Keep your chin up.

Thank you, Nikki xo

I'm so sorry to hear about the emotional turmoils in your life right now. That's the last thing you need. Perhaps take a short break from each other and see where you stand after a week or so? It sounds like your girlfriend is very threatened and afraid of the changes that you're going through. There may also be some bit of jealousy in there as well. Regardless of which way you go, I wish you well.

Thank you, rainbomama :)

(((Hugs)))

You are in a very emotional time of the process.  Lots of hormones released from our fat stores, lots of changing.

I lost 120 pounds when I was in my late 20s.  My gf at the time and I broke up eventually, and I think my losing weight was a factor.  She was not overweight, but I know that I felt a lot more confident to pursue a different kind of life than the one I'd have had if I'd stayed with her.  She didn't want kids, and that was part of it.  Losing weight is a big, big change, and sometimes it makes the cracks in a relationship big enough to break it apart.

In most 12-step programs, they tell new people to wait a year before making big life changes.  It's because there's lots of stuff going on inside us that affects how we see the stuff going on outside us.  And in 3 or 4 months, things may seem very different and you don't want to wake up and find you've blown your life up in a moment of hormonal madness.

Your gf almost certainly *doesn't* understand what is going on with you and the changes that are going on in your life.  My gf is a little overweight, but in that middle-aged spread kind of way.  We have been together 25 years, and she doesn't understand about my food issues, or how being fat has affected my outlook on life, or how the Quest Nutrition Bars talk to me if they're in the pantry.  And that's okay.  I can't expect her to understand what my experience has been after surgery.  There are things about her I don't understand, and making peace with that was a big part of me learning how to be in a long-term relationship.

Finally, I am going to speak to you as a lesbian who has raised 2 beautiful daughters with my girlfriend of 25 years.  I'm probably not supposed to say this, but you'd be *NUTS* to have kids right now.  Parenting kids is freaking HARD and even if you two were in a fantastic place with each other, I'd say *please* wait until you're in maintenance and comfortable in your new life.  Raising children was a very bonding experience for us, and we will stay together now in large part because of the bond we have in the family we've made.  But it also put more stress on our relationship than anything else we tried to do together.  Trust me, you do not want to go through a breakup when there are children involved.  If you are co-parenting these kids - whoever has them - you will be tied to this woman for at least 18 years in a way you might not want to be a year or two from now.

For now, be gentle with each other.  I would rather be happy than right.  Give her the space to have her own reactions to the changes you're going through.  One of the most important things I've learned is that my big reactions and feelings about my gf - especially hurt and anger - are way more about me than about her.  And leaving *her* won't fix *me.*  You will probably be a lot clearer when you're a little further out.  Good luck!

P.S. Too many SF fiber gummies will cause intestinal distress.  I have been there!

The crazy thing is I made it clear that we are not even anywhere near having babies. I will definitely be waiting the 1.5 years after surgery and seeing how I feel then. Right now, my main priority is my health and my new home will probably keep me very busy. I want to make it a home and smooth our the rough edges of life before I would consider introducing kids. So her reaction felt so harsh; we were just talking.

Thanks for your wonderful advice. I appreciate you listening and taking the time to respond. xo