Just Realized Something.....

I haven't been around much lately..... been busy with work...... and have a new boyfriend - so been spending less time hanging out at home - on the computer....
 
I'm travelling for work this week - in Oregon - and decided to pop-in to OH tonight for a look-see at what's been going on - and how everyone's doing...... (ya I'm busy - but I'm still nosey.....)

I was reading a post about body-image - which has been something I have been thinking alot about lately......  I have found myself increasingly down - since my 2 year surgiversary...... 

I went from my lowest of 153 to 164/165 - and really feel like **** about the bounce back.  I had set a goal for myself of 155 - and still felt at that point I wanted to be lower.  I have this terrible big flab in the front that makes me feel so uncomfortable.  I think I feel so terrible about it because I know it's because I have been over-eating.....  not really controlling myself at all for a number of months.....  It is very scarry to feel out-of-control and not able to get back on-track again.

I honestly have lost touch with how big and uncomfortable I was......  and I say this because I feel fat now......  even though I can wear size 12/14 jeans and large shirts - I feel dissatisfied and uncomfortable again with myself.......  It's like the glow of weight loss I had for soooo many months has dried up......  and it's this feeling in part that makes me feel like eating.......

So what have I realized tonight???  That even though I have lost alot of weight - my emotions have eventually navigated back to a place where I feel crappy about myself again........It's a damn scarry thought!! 

I had considered plastics - and had seen Dr. Nan once already.  I cancelled my 2nd appt with him where I would have gotten a surgery date - chicken'ed out I guess.  I am going back to see him on April 27th - as I feel like I need to take the next step and get this flab off the front......  My biggest fear is that I will go through another surgery - and not achieve that feeling that I have been looking for my whole life - and that is to feel good and  non-judgemental about myself when I look at me naked in the mirror.........

Hmm, I understand the struggle. Sheesh, wouldn't it be nice if we can teach the next generation not to be so worried about their weight, teach them how to eat and exercise and just love themselves.

I can see I will have issues the same as you when I get to my "goal" weight.

I am so glad we have this forum to share our lives and the norms we are dealing with because it gives us all a heads up on things to contemplate and perhaps a chance to work on solutions for ourselves.

I hope you find your peace with plastics.

Even after plastics, the head stuff is still there.  I am contemplating this a lot lately.  Some friends suggest I should have a weight or something, where I should know I'm in trouble, as far as re-gain.  I have gained after plastics.. to exactly the weight I was before plastics.  I would assume eating the same food, and the activity level being the same, that I would be.  I don't think it's a weight, or a size, but a sense of head.  And more than ever I realize that the head has not healed from all the damage I created for it.  I am happy with where I am at, maybe it's not size 6, or whatever.. or a normal bmi.. but I'm good.  I really am.  Through this whole journey I have wanted to be normal.. appear normal.  And I do now, I can wear normal clothes without the belly,.. neck skin is gone.. and the boobs look pretty good.. but it's the head.   Some days I feel small.. and some days like a cow.   Do normal people feel like that?  Anyways, making my way through the head stuff.
Go ahead with your plastics, it does help, a lot.  And really... it's gonna hurt.  Fact of life.  But time heals all wounds, physical and mental, so you deal with it... however possible. 
Very grateful to have the support I have, and the meeting for those out further.  They understand where my head is at and the discussions give you lots to think about.
Hugs

Bonnie

After reading your post Donna I was going to post but Bonnie beat me to it and wrote almost verbatim what I would have said so I'll honestly say "ditto" to what Bonnie wrote. 7 mths post-plastics and she hit the nail on the head and summed me up.

Hi Donna

I hear you about your body image, I am feeling the same, and wonder if I will feel different or better in

the next year when I will be thinking about plastics as well.  I look at myself in the mirror now and don't
like the "apron" of skin that is sagging and wonder when I lose another 20 or so pounds will it look

even more gross LOL, only time and weightloss will tell.

My son's girlfriend; who weighs all of 110 lbs; once and awhile will comment on how fat she is and

how she has put on 1 or 2 pounds, but then loses it in the next week, and I feel that we are all in the

same boat as far as body image and concern for our weight.  She is by no means overweight or

really has to worry about a pound or two but in her mind if she doesn't worry about it now then it will

continue to creep up on her and she will be "overweight".

I plan on getting plastics if and when I need it, and can afford it,  LOL

But each person has to deal with our own issues of body image and hopefully will be able to

overcome it in time.

I have said it before, if I don't lose all that I would like to lose, then I hope I can be happy when my

weight stablizes.  Which will be still better than I have been in the past 20 years with all the benefits of
losing weight that I can now enjoy.

Take care and good luck in what you decide.

Eileen

 Hi Donna - I totally relate to your post and everyone's comments. Bonnie - the "normal" thing is really important to me too. I would love to contemplate plastics and get rid of the tummy part, lift "the girls" and do arms. My legs are really bad, and I don't think I'd ever get them done. I do think about all this when picking clothes, and consider that I need sleeves that go to my elbows, and I would never wear shorts. Then there's the need for the Spanx body shaper most days. I'm very, very grateful for my weight loss!! I now have to make peace with my new body, lumpy, bumpy and saggy as it is. I don't think this part of the process can be underestimated, and it seems to be more difficult than the surgery and weight loss part.

Best wishes Donna. You deserve to feel good about yourself!!!!!! (I may need dating advice at some point soon, so get ready!)

Christy

I just couldn't make peace with what was left.  It was a mess.  I so wanted to be normal.   I have a friend who said to me in the last five months that she was going to make peace, she had surgery last week.  But I'm not sure that you can when you've lost a lot of weight.  I just doesn't shrink up.   I wanted it gone, as a gift to me.  I didn't deserve to live with the scars of super morbid obesity.  I made a huge mistake getting to the weight I was, but punishment by looking at the effects of weight loss was something I just couldn't digest.

Bonnie

Hi Donna

Nice to see you posting. I understand about the boyfriend thing LOL. With me it's constant texting though LOL

I say go for the surgery, as Bonnie said you may still have issues but it might help somewhat.
You look great and you have come so far. I wonder if we ever get rid of those head issues

Take care and don't be a stranger, let us know how things go with the plastics