Support? I don't have any!
Hi everyone,
I'm starting to get close to a date and all so I've started telling people at work, friends and family know about my choice of surgery and how I think this is the only way I can lose the extra 200 pounds I am carrying. Thing is, some of the people who barely know me are all for it and the ones that know me best, my friends in particular, are completely clueless and think it's an easy way out and it will never work for me. They laugh at the fact that soon I won't be able to eat what I do now, they reference sarcastically that I probably will do things better when I'm skinnier, basically I feel alone without the support of my friends. I know my family are behind me 100% and you guys are there for me but the lack of support from my friends scares me. It scares me that no one will make the trip to Montreal to come and see me while I'm in bed. It scares me that they won't try to help me during recovery. I have a feeling that nobody really cares and have a feeling that during this journey I will find out who my real friends are. I have seriously cried about this. The more I talk about it the more they have a "whatever" type of attitude with me. I can understand the fact that they don't believe because I have failed many times before. But before you judge me they should ask the questions and get the facts. This is an irreversable surgery! Do they understand that? A life changing and life saving surgery! I will need all the help I can get and the fact that I fell like some of my best friends won't be there for me makes me feel very sad and scared inside. Has anyone else felt this? How do I bring the issue up? Do I bring the issue up? What are your opinions or suggestions?
Please let me know!
Thanks,
Derek -xxx-
Hey there Derek!
Where to begin......you are definately at a cross road in your life at this point and sometimes friendships change at those critical moments. I can understand your concern especially at your age. Friends are such an important part of your life at your age. Keep the faith my friend. You'll have to give your friends some time to process this decision. You've been thinking of this for many months and you just told your friends recently. Your expectations are too high my friend and you need to reevaluate your needs post op. My experience has been both positive and negative. I have one great supportive friend and another who just couldn' t understand and well now we are more acquaintances. It wasn't a bad thing though. I realized that I wanted and needed to surround myself with a good support group (that's here and with you guys) and I needed a friend who would learn with me on this journey of mine. Friends that are not obese do not have a full scope of how we really feel inside and all of the challenges we face but it isn't either their journey so we need to educate them and let them know what we are going through. If you still feel like you don't have their support just let it be for awhile and give them time to see what happens. Your true friends will grow with you Derek and will be thrilled for you as time goes by. You'll know if you need to make a change in your friends. As for them going to Montreal well Derek you may not feel like seeing anyone postop. You are only in the hospital for two days at the most. You'll be tired and sore and you'll be focusing on healing yourself. Lastly, all I want to say is that this surgery will change you in many ways and that is your journey and gift to yourself. Your social life does take a back drop for several months as you cannot eat the same thing as everyone else. It takes some adjustment. Men your age have few life experiences to fall back on and are quick to judge. Its being niave about life struggles and challenges. It isn't a critism it is just where most young people are at in this stage of their life. That will change with time. It is part of maturing and aging :) LOL. Stay positive Derek. We'll be here for you and I'm sure one good friend is lurking amongst the group. Maybe more. You'll get through this and you will definately have friends along the way. Just give them time.
Where to begin......you are definately at a cross road in your life at this point and sometimes friendships change at those critical moments. I can understand your concern especially at your age. Friends are such an important part of your life at your age. Keep the faith my friend. You'll have to give your friends some time to process this decision. You've been thinking of this for many months and you just told your friends recently. Your expectations are too high my friend and you need to reevaluate your needs post op. My experience has been both positive and negative. I have one great supportive friend and another who just couldn' t understand and well now we are more acquaintances. It wasn't a bad thing though. I realized that I wanted and needed to surround myself with a good support group (that's here and with you guys) and I needed a friend who would learn with me on this journey of mine. Friends that are not obese do not have a full scope of how we really feel inside and all of the challenges we face but it isn't either their journey so we need to educate them and let them know what we are going through. If you still feel like you don't have their support just let it be for awhile and give them time to see what happens. Your true friends will grow with you Derek and will be thrilled for you as time goes by. You'll know if you need to make a change in your friends. As for them going to Montreal well Derek you may not feel like seeing anyone postop. You are only in the hospital for two days at the most. You'll be tired and sore and you'll be focusing on healing yourself. Lastly, all I want to say is that this surgery will change you in many ways and that is your journey and gift to yourself. Your social life does take a back drop for several months as you cannot eat the same thing as everyone else. It takes some adjustment. Men your age have few life experiences to fall back on and are quick to judge. Its being niave about life struggles and challenges. It isn't a critism it is just where most young people are at in this stage of their life. That will change with time. It is part of maturing and aging :) LOL. Stay positive Derek. We'll be here for you and I'm sure one good friend is lurking amongst the group. Maybe more. You'll get through this and you will definately have friends along the way. Just give them time.
Brenda B, HW 328 PreSW 298 CW 156 Goal 165
AT GOAL..................NORMAL BMI! DOING THE HAPPY DANCE
This is going to sound terrible but this is just the reason why I DIDN'T tell my close friends. I know that doesn't help you now, but remember you're doing this for yourself, your loved ones, and your future. I never told my friends about my WL struggles in the past, the weight lost, gainned, lost, gained....I dont see why I would tell them about this. I'm just too nervous about what you're describing, a lack of support, doubt, sabotage, etc. I want to have a total postive outlook on this and don't want to spend time trudging through a line up of Debbie Downers. It sounds like your friends will have to wait and see the results but be thankful you've got your family to support you
Kass
Kass 
I couldn't have said it better than Brenda. This is a real change in your life, and you will learn on this journey, and so will your friends. Do it for you, be grateful for your supportive family, and wait to see how your friends will react. Some may feel insecure, not knowing if you'll be the same after surgery. Maybe they don't want you to change, they think you will not be their big funny friend anymore ( well, I assume, because we big people are often very funny...) 
I think people who doesn't support us are most often afraid of change. My husband do not want me to have this surgery, he is sabotaging my efforts ( he's bringing McDonalds for the kids tonight, and he brought me a Big mac !!! ) I think he is afraid ... our couple is not so strong now, and the surgery will probably be the end of it... or not, we'll see. My youngest son is kidding about it, saying I won't lose weight, etc... because he is afraid I won't be the same big mother he has always known...But I do it for myself, and if family or friends could not accept it and follow me in this journey, well, they don't deserve to be my friends. I don't need people with negative thinking around me.
I also find that many people around me don't realize the severity of this surgery... Even if we explain it many times... So don't waste your energy, keep it for preparing yourself for the big change. Your real friends will follow you... and you'll always find understanding and compassion here in the forums...
((Hugs))
Diane
p.s. I didn't eat the Big Mac, my chocolate shake was much better... for my health!
I think people who doesn't support us are most often afraid of change. My husband do not want me to have this surgery, he is sabotaging my efforts ( he's bringing McDonalds for the kids tonight, and he brought me a Big mac !!! ) I think he is afraid ... our couple is not so strong now, and the surgery will probably be the end of it... or not, we'll see. My youngest son is kidding about it, saying I won't lose weight, etc... because he is afraid I won't be the same big mother he has always known...But I do it for myself, and if family or friends could not accept it and follow me in this journey, well, they don't deserve to be my friends. I don't need people with negative thinking around me.
I also find that many people around me don't realize the severity of this surgery... Even if we explain it many times... So don't waste your energy, keep it for preparing yourself for the big change. Your real friends will follow you... and you'll always find understanding and compassion here in the forums...
((Hugs))
Diane
p.s. I didn't eat the Big Mac, my chocolate shake was much better... for my health!
Hello my friend,
After reading what you've put out there...I've realized something...that is that I've not really struggled with the decision I made about getting the surgery, granted I did research for over 3 years, but I have been struggling like you whether to tell or not. Deciding to get the surgery was easy compared to deciding who to tell.
The difference is that with our friends we're dealing with emotions and some people don't know how to react. I've been trying to figure out who/how to tell for a long time. The only people that know are my daughter, my mom and dad and my boss and one co-worker. All these people are extremely supportive of my decision.
My friends: I have 5 very close friends (my ya-ya sisters...lol) They have been there for me through so much...but I haven't had the courage to tell them...yet. I know I need to let them know and I lie awake at night trying to figure out different scenarios.
Do I invite them over and give them a "presentation" of what I'm going to go through with pictures,facts and maybe a power point presentation? Sounds funny but I've seriously thought about doing this..
Do I just go out for a coffee with them and let the cat out of the bag?
Do I not tell them but if I don't, they will be hurt by my secrecy...
I haven't even told my brother and he lives downstairs...
I think what we (and I'm including you too Derek)want is that everyone should just support us in our decision to live a better life...a fuller life. Whatever way we may choose to achieve it.
I think the best thing we could do is listen to the wonderful advice of our on-line family and try not to take things to heart. I know that in the long run I am doing this for me whether they support me or not. We need to accept the fact that some of our friends may speak out of fear and ignorance.
We'll need to give them some time to adjust to this journey. We need to remember that we've been preparing for this journey for a looooong time...they haven't. Just give them a chance to catch up...to think about it and I'm sure that you'll be pleasantly surprised.
Oh ya...I never told you but I live 10 minutes from Sacre Coeur Hospital so you probably might have more visitors than you think...lol
After reading what you've put out there...I've realized something...that is that I've not really struggled with the decision I made about getting the surgery, granted I did research for over 3 years, but I have been struggling like you whether to tell or not. Deciding to get the surgery was easy compared to deciding who to tell.
The difference is that with our friends we're dealing with emotions and some people don't know how to react. I've been trying to figure out who/how to tell for a long time. The only people that know are my daughter, my mom and dad and my boss and one co-worker. All these people are extremely supportive of my decision.
My friends: I have 5 very close friends (my ya-ya sisters...lol) They have been there for me through so much...but I haven't had the courage to tell them...yet. I know I need to let them know and I lie awake at night trying to figure out different scenarios.
Do I invite them over and give them a "presentation" of what I'm going to go through with pictures,facts and maybe a power point presentation? Sounds funny but I've seriously thought about doing this..
Do I just go out for a coffee with them and let the cat out of the bag?
Do I not tell them but if I don't, they will be hurt by my secrecy...
I haven't even told my brother and he lives downstairs...
I think what we (and I'm including you too Derek)want is that everyone should just support us in our decision to live a better life...a fuller life. Whatever way we may choose to achieve it.
I think the best thing we could do is listen to the wonderful advice of our on-line family and try not to take things to heart. I know that in the long run I am doing this for me whether they support me or not. We need to accept the fact that some of our friends may speak out of fear and ignorance.
We'll need to give them some time to adjust to this journey. We need to remember that we've been preparing for this journey for a looooong time...they haven't. Just give them a chance to catch up...to think about it and I'm sure that you'll be pleasantly surprised.
Oh ya...I never told you but I live 10 minutes from Sacre Coeur Hospital so you probably might have more visitors than you think...lol
That would be awesome Ada! The more the merrier. It would be awesome to meet on the day of my surgery. The things with my friends is that they all have a "whatever" attitude with everything they do in life. That's just how we are. Some come out of their shell sometime and surprise me but very rarelly. I didn't hesistate one time before telling them as I thought they would be happy and excited for me but I got a pretty lame response. No one was really happy, but from what I hear from you girls is that they are probably scared. That is totally possible. They tend to hide their emotions but one on one they show their true sides. Thank god I have a supportive family (at home and on here) to help me through it. Now if only I could get that call to let me know when it's going down.
Once I get the date I would imagine I will know more about who's coming or not. Of the top of my head I'm sure my GF will be there, my bro, my mom, my dad, my grandma and 2 of my friends so it's gonna be a packed house but I'm sure they won't all be there at the same time. Probably my GF is the only one who will stay with me the whole time.
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