ObesityHelp April 6, 2006 Chat with Rhonda Britten 

Moderator: Welcome to tonight's chat with Rhonda Britten star of the TV show ?Starting Over.  Hi Rhonda, can you tell us a little bit about yourself?

Rhonda Britten:I'm an author of "Fearless Living;" "Change Your Life in 30 Days;" and my latest book is entitled "Do I Look Fat in This? Get Over Your Body and On With Your Life." And I'm on TV everyday changing lives on "Starting Over."

Moderator:  Thank you Rhonda, we will begin the chat.  We have a lot of questions here tonight.

Azwyldcat: Hi Rhonda. What advice would you give someone who has had gastric bypass and is now suffering with compulsive binge eating?

Rhonda Britten:That's an interesting question since I know the amount you can eat is small...and you must eat frequently. What do you mean by compulsive? How often are you eating? I just want to make sure you are abusing food rather than just beating yourself up for the frequency of your eating. Any eating disorder relates to an emotional problem. The disorder is just the symptom. I would ask: What are you hiding from? What do you want more than anything else? Can you ask for what you want?

Azwyldcat:  I binge. It might not be as much as before but it is a binge nonetheless.  I'm not even hungry.  I feel like food has this hold on me.

Rhonda Britten:Okay, then answer the above questions. What is the reason you have decided to punish yourself? Every time you decide to soothe yourself with food, you are avoiding learning how to soothe yourself in other healthy ways.  Food doesn't have a hold on you. You have a hold on you and you believe the food wants you when it calls to you. You don't have to answer.  I know it feels overwhelming and it will continue to be unless you forgive yourself for the past, let go of wanting to be anyone but yourself and learn to appreciate who you are.

Susan NYC:  My question is how do we handle life without all the weight that once protected us?

Rhonda Britten:The weight seemed to protect you but it was really only keeping you stuck in your fears, fear of being rejected, fear of being vulnerable, fear of being hurt, etc. It wasn't protecting you.  It was trapping you. Being visible in a whole new way takes courage and a willingness to own your strength of self. Owning your body and treating it with respect is a sign of self-love.

Janet:  Rhonda, I didn't realize until today that one of Christie's issues was weight loss surgery and plastics. I'm battling the same thing; thinking I need to do something with the skin.

Rhonda Britten:  Skin is a handy distraction isn't it?  We can prove to everyone that we have the extra stuff and they will nod their head in agreement. But again, it is a symptom, a distraction, not the real issue. So let?s imagine you didn't have the skin. What do you think your life would be like? What could you do then?  Our willingness to take away our biggest excuse for disengaging in life, and for many of us it's our body (including me), will point us to what is really running our life. The fear underneath the weight, the mirror, and the skin.

Julie:  When I hear about set backs and risks of surgery, I am getting scared, questioning if this is for me.  What are some things that will be changing in the future?

Rhonda Britten:  I do not know what will change about the procedures in the future. I am not a medical doctor. The only thing I know is that the problems you had before gastric bypass, unless you have emotional support like this chat room etc, will still be your problems after the surgery. I am not for or against gastric bypass but what I am for, is YOU! You can change. You just have to do the work. You have to put down food that doesn't serve your body. You have to lift your legs and walk a block and keep on walking. You have to talk to a professional about what gifts the weight has given you so you can see how attached you are to it...And yes, I said GIFT. We keep our weight on because it benefits us...it serves us in some way. And until we are no longer interested in being served by our ego driven small self, we will never gain the courage or willingness to do the work to love ourselves. So you don't NEED gastric bypass to change your life, you can do that.

Kelli: Rhonda- Who do you respect and admire for achieving their goals?

Rhonda Britten:  Hmm....that's a tough one. I have to say it?s the people I meet everyday. I know it?s hard to change your life when you are broke, or have low self-confidence or don't feel loved. But those folks who change their lives ANYWAY...those are the ones I admire...those are the ones I applaud. That is true courage.

SusanNYC: What tips might you have for emotional eating after lap band surgery?

Rhonda Britten:  Keep a food journal. It is the toughest thing to do but the most important. I STILL keep a food journal. It keeps me on track emotionally. Write down the feeling you had before you eat, during your meal and after. Write down what you ate, the benefit and cost of eating that particular food. Keeping track of how you really feel before and after you eat is eye opening. I thought chocolate made me feel better and usually all it does is give me a headache. When you start paying attention to how your body feels before and after a meal, you will also increase your ability to listen to your hunger signal. One that for most of us is very, very  faint.  So write down food, emotions and how your body feels...your awareness will increase giving you the courage to do more for yourself.

Kelly:  I have very low self-esteem. I am also a very critical person when it comes to something that involves my family or me. I analyze how people will "view" me or my family, etc. I am overly critical about my image, pictures, etc. I find flaw with myself all the time. How can I stop doing this?

Rhonda Britten: Make a choice to stop. Quit identifying yourself as a critical person. Start noticing when you are loving, kind and compassionate. Let?s face it, we both know you are wasting your time analyzing how others see you...because what does it matter anyway? It doesn't stop their thoughts and I'm sure you are wrong a good perception of the time...So are you worth focusing on? The attention you place on figuring out what their thinking only takes away energy you could be using to be healthier, more confident, more passionate, more loving...And you are choosing to do it. Instead, talk back to that voice. It?s not yours anyway. It is the voice of fear. Don't listen!

Joyce:  I am an emotional eater and pre-op for lap-band. I am reading books on emotional eating and trying to conquer it before surgery, but should I seek counseling, so I will not fall in past patterns?

Rhonda Britten:  I absolutely believe the more support the better. And I love Geneen Roth's book When Food is Love I think that is her best book.

Susan:  How do you keep your commitments to yourself with regard to making good eating choices when you are tempted to "cheat"?

Rhonda Britten:  Cheat? Who are you cheating on? YOU! Am I perfect? No. I focus on getting healthier every day...small steps.  So when you hear yourself "I want to cheat" complete the sentence by saying "I want to cheat on myself because I am not worth being true to" or some version of that and if you hear yourself say "I don't feel like it..." Complete the sentence by saying "I don't feel like loving myself today"

Maryanne73: My husband loves me but I know he is starting to find me less attractive as I gain weight. I don't know how to get over my body enough to really make myself  believe I'm sexy, let alone him. Do you have any advice?

Rhonda Britten:  Are you able to get turned on? Do you have a desire for sex? Men are visual, heck we all are. This is a visual society.  I urge you to have an honest fearless conversation with your husband. Tell him your fears; ask him for support. Do you want to gain weight? Because you don't have to. That's a choice unless you have a medical condition. But let's just say for the sake of this conversation that you are choosing to gain weight, read the answers I gave above ...Your willingness to forgive your past, face the problems in your marriage, etc will help you decide who you really want to be. Also, ask yourself: Does gaining weight punish your husband in anyway more or less than it is punishing you?

Jim: Hello Rhonda.  Do you have a specific book you would recommend about getting on with life post-op?

Rhonda Britten:  Good question. I do not have a book - besides my own - chuckle, chuckle...that I would recommend. :)  "Do I Look Fat in This? Get Over Your Body and On With Your Life" :)

Jenni: I have a severe case of body dysmorphic syndrome. I am wondering if there is a way to get over my negative body image that I consistently seem to "see" all the time.

Rhonda Britten:  Okay, so you know you have it. Are you willing to call yourself on it everyday? Are you willing to look in the mirror on a daily basis with "truth" eyes? Are you willing to believe the compliments of others and their reality checks. Sometimes we can't see ourselves clearly and that's the time we have to ask ourselves if we are willing to believe someone else. Do you trust anyone to tell you the truth? One of the most empowering things I did in the past was to admit to myself, Maybe I'm wrong about this and they are right. Maybe I see myself falsely and they see me clearly. I like who they saw and decided to believe them instead of me. I decided to live as if I was that person....that changed my life.  I understand that can be a crippling disorder so please get support.

Getting Skinny: After being heavy for so many years, how do I help my mind's eye see me as I currently weigh?

Rhonda Britten:  There are so many exercises you can do to integrate your 'new' body with your 'old' mind. To have them catch up with each other so to speak.  Keeping a compliment journal can be eye opening. Acknowledging your growth everyday helps you integrate the risks you are taking.  Writing an "I'm Sorry" letter to your body....allows you to take responsibility for the way you have treated yourself in the past. Looking in the mirror every day, naked if you can, and thanking each and every body part - from the top of your head to the bottom of your feet - every day. Those are important steps to take along the path towards self-acceptance.

Irish Angel: Where can we get your new book?

Rhonda Britten:  Any bookstore or on Amazon.com....It is the book with me in a WHITE SUIT on the cover. That's right, I wore WHITE!!!!!

Cathy:  Hi Rhonda. What advice would you give someone who has had gastric bypass six years ago and has gained weight and resorting to emotional eating again?

Rhonda Britten:  Resorting? That 's an interesting way to describe a choice. Losing weight is one thing, losing the emotional weight is another. If you didn't learn how to accept yourself, shift your lifestyle, forgive the past, you will go back to habits that don't serve you...But that is a choice. You are resorting because perhaps it seems hard to do anything different, or you don't know how ...or you don't want that much responsibility or you don't believe you are worth anything else...or you feel that this is all you deserve...Make a new choice. No longer "resort" instead "choose."

Dee-130: I am the older sister to a former high school cheerleader who always outshined me. Now that I am three years out from weight loss surgery, my weight is less than hers and I am finding that she is resentful. I love my sister dearly. How can I get us back the way we use to be?

Rhonda Britten:  Do you really want to be the way you used to be? Instead, focus on redefining your relationship. Her jealousy is her challenge, her opportunity for spiritual growth. I talk allot about my friend Marta and I going through something similar...she was always bigger than me and now, I am bigger than her. I had to deal with my feelings of resentment and what helped me is an honest conversation. Stating my needs....telling the truth. Let your sister know your weight loss isn't about her but about your commitment to your own self-love. Talk to her....Tell her how sad you are that she feels distant...let her know her comments hurt you especially after you have worked so hard....ask her to support you...ask!

Michelle in ATL:  Rhonda, I eat because I am bored. I am lazy by nature and don't feel like doing anything. How do I overcome not wanting to do anything? Saying to me to "do something" is the same as telling me "stop eating.?

Rhonda Britten:  There is no such thing as a lazy person only someone who is afraid to be responsible for the decisions they make in their life. Boredom is NOT AN OPTION. That is a choice. Face where your so called laziness has allowed you to avoid responsibility, to admit you care and want others to care...admit that being lazy as let you off the hook. When you are willing to face all the ways that 'lazy' is letting you off the hook, that you have received 'benefits' from being lazy...then perhaps you will decide to change. No one can make you...you have to decide you are worth it...you have to decide boredom isn't an option....it only means you aren't engaging in life so you don't have to get hurt, be left, etc...

Stacey in Michigan: I had WLS in July 2005, my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer in June of 2005, then he passed away in February 2006 and I had no support from my family. Now I feel overwhelmed with attention from my Mom and wondered where do I go now?

Rhonda Britten:  So mom needs you now? How does that feel? Do you feel resentment? Happiness? What? Your mother naturally needs you and I'm sure that can hurt when she doesn't seem to support you. You have to decide if you can work on accepting your mother the way she is and facing the fact that she may not have been the mother you needed or wanted. But this is what you got. Putting boundaries in place with your mother will support you in decreasing your overwhelm, learning how to tell her no will support you as well...reach out to others and ask them for support as you forge this new relationship with your mother AND yourself.  I hope that helps.

Jenna R: I am in my early thirties and have never had a long-term boyfriend. I am hoping that after my WLS things will change, but I still don't have approval [insurance approval]and at this  point don't know how long it will take. Is there anything I can do now to make myself feel more attractive to men?

Rhonda Britten:  Approval? Approval from men?  I am not interested in being approved by a man, I want to approve of myself, I want to walk with an air of confidence, I want to know I trust myself and my decisions and if you want to work on your appearance for your sake, go for it. But not to 'catch' a man or to gain his approval. You are worth more than that. When I want to work on my appearance for my own self-confidence, to reflect different aspects of myself, I go to Andy Paige....centsofstyle.org. She is a genius. Check her website out and I know she will help you uncover the look that feels good to you.

Dawn G:  I am terrified of what will happen once I reach my "goal" weight. I still have 90 pounds to lose but I already see anorexic tendencies. (IE: excessive counting of calories, carbs, fat, protein, and exercise) I fear once I don't have any additional weight to lose I will continue on this path of excessive counting.

Rhonda Britten: Decide what three or four things are essential for you to keep track of your health. Start cutting out one or more of your counting categories now...slowly eliminate the need to count everything all the time. Now, I keep track of a ton of information for the sake of building a better relationship with my body I can see a relationship between what I put in my mouth and how much I move determines my mood and my state of mind. It is absolutely amazing how our food affects our attitude toward life.  So redefine the value of counting and decide what categories are essential for good health and cut out the rest. For instance, I don't keep track of calories. I do keep track of my veggie servings etc.

Redstingraylady: What suggestions do you have to help me start losing again?...I have lost 105 lbs and would like to lose 40 more but, I haven?t lost any since Nov...I am 22 months out.

Rhonda Britten:  I assume you meant, "You haven't lost any since Nov"? I will answer as if that is true.   Don't be in such a hurry...this is a lifestyle change. You are not a weight loss study. Be gentle with yourself. Congratulate yourself.  Keep a food journal to identify what is working and acknowledge yourself. It's normal to stop losing for a few months...even a year...so don't panic. Stay on track...and more importantly, practice loving actions towards yourself...

Jenny:  Rhonda, what do you do personally when you're feeling sad and there's no one around to comfort you? How do you make yourself feel better when you're hurting and you really are all alone?

Rhonda Britten:  Journal. journal. journal. I might breath, meditate, scream, kick the pillows, take a walk, draw, lie in bed and wallow :)

MissKris: While I too struggle with low self-esteem, I am able to push myself to attempt things I want to do. I consider it a way of facing and dealing with my fears. My problem is, I have SUCH high expectations for myself, that if/when I don't meet them, I get discouraged and want to give up. Any insight for me? Thanks.

Rhonda Britten:  Forget expectations...they are based in a false idea of who we are. Instead, invest in your life but do not attach to the results. I know for me things never work out exactly as planned and I have learned to see that as a way to see different opportunities than I had considered. I focus on intentions...Instead of focusing on losing weight, I focus on being healthy. Instead of finding Mr. right, i focus on becoming a loving person.  Eliminate the word "expectations" and instead replace it with "practicing" I am practicing being more loving, I am practicing a healthy lifestyle. It allows for our humanity, allows for more compassion and kindness.. Our humanity is what makes us lovable, not our perfection.

Susan: When do we get over our body and get on with our life? After WLS getting rid of the weight has been all I can think about for four months. I am afraid to get over my body for fear of falling into same old weight gaining traps.

Rhonda Britten: Great question. I understand you are afraid to get over your body but let me assure you. that when you get over your body you are actually embracing your body, learning to work with your body; you will be more in touch with your body then you have ever been before; you will be more committed to it, not less. You will have more compassion for yourself, not less. You will be able to see how your body is just trying to be your friend despite your treatment of it.  Your fears, for you, are real. But soon, when you 'get over your body' you will see the fears you had are false and the freedom you can experience is very, very real.

Moderator: That was our last question for the evening Thank you for your time Rhonda!  

Moderator:  For more information about Rhonda's Book Do I look fat in this? Get Over your body and on with your life  Please visit www.fearlessliving.com
If we were not able to post your question in this evenings chat, you can submit  a question for Rhonda at the following link: http://www.fearlessliving.org/support_system/submit_a_question_for_ask_rhonda

Rhonda Britten:  Thank you for your time and commitment and energy. I LOVED your questions. I look forward to the next time.... :)

Moderator:  Thanks to everyone who attended the chat!  Be sure to check out Rhonda on the TV show "Starting Over" You can also read about Rhonda in the latest edition of OH Magazine... for more info on the magazine visit www.oh-magazine.com Thanks Rhonda for your time tonight.