Question:
surgery is in 3 days and im starting to get very emotional,kids are
my kids are 2,9 and 17 all boys and im a single mom no father involved just me, so im starting to feel guilty and scared and cry a lot, not in front of them, i find myself holding my baby and i just start to tear up the thought of not being there for him or his brothers is tearing me up, and yes i know if i dont get the weight off i might not be there anyway but it still does not take away from my fear now.When i leave for the hosp do i say see you later or should i prepare them 9, and 17 for the worse also if i dont tell them i could have complications and i die i worry they will be not only devastated but mad at me, has anyone been torn like this? i made a big mistake and read all the memorials and it made it worse.thanks for any advise on how some of you prepared your kids. — melindameyers (posted on August 23, 2005)
August 23, 2005
Melinda, what I did was talk with the older kids about why I was doing this
to become healthy. I was also very concerned about leaving them and never
being with them so a few weeks before my surgery I began writing letters to
them expressing not only my concerns about leaving them but as to why I
felt I had to have the surgery. If letter writing is not your thing
prehaps a cassette tape would work better especially for your youngest.
Hope this helps.
— Irislady
August 23, 2005
just make sure they know that you love them very much and this is for the
best. like chris has said write to them, tape something for the little one
or even video tape what you want to say to them the older ones will under
stand more than your little one. try getting something specialall
different though for all of them so they have something to hold on too also
it will make it more personal to each and ever one of them
— tmalotte
August 23, 2005
Hi Melinda...i know just how you feel. I too am pre-op and plan on having
wls with Dr Cox as well. I go sept.22 to his seminar. I am a single mom
too, a 16yr iold son and a 4yr old daughter. I am very emotional too and
do the same thing as you. When I hold my daughter those same things run
through my mind. I have to travel 650miles to have this surgery and leave
her for 3-4 weeks and we've never been apart for more than a few days when
I was in the hospital before. I am so worried that when I tell her
"Bye, Mommy will be back for you" that if something happens
she'll never forgive me. She'll think I deserted her. I know my family
would take my kids and love them...but not like i do. I have talked to my
son and he wants me to have this surgery because like he said...Mom, its
not gonna get any better if you dont. But Ive had friends who have had it
and done great so he expects everything to be fine. I try to look at it
like this... first, as scared as I am to do this, I am more afraid that
oneday my son will get up and go to school and my daughter will wake up and
I will be dead in my recliner, which is where i sleep now due to sleep
apnea. I cant let her find me like that. Also, I believe in God and I
believe he'll see me threw. he knows Im doing this for my kids so I will
be healthy and a better mom to them. He knows they need me. I also have
done my research and 1-2% mortality rate doesnt seem that high. That means
I have a 98-99% chance of being fine and getting my life back. I hope this
helps you find some peace. I know its hard. Any time you wanna talk please
email me and I'll give you my number if you wanna call. Maybe I'll meet ya
at Dr Coxs office.
Love and peace,
mary Brake
— justaboutkrazy
August 23, 2005
plan on having wls with Dr Cox as well. I go sept.22 to his seminar. I
am a single mom too, a 16yr iold son and a 4yr old daughter. I am very
emotional too and do the same thing as you. When I hold my daughter those
same things run through my mind. I have to travel 650miles to have this
surgery and leave her for 3-4 weeks and we've never been apart for more
than a few days when I was in the hospital before. I am so worried that
when I tell her "Bye, Mommy will be back for you" that if
something happens she'll never forgive me. She'll think I deserted her. I
know my family would take my kids and love them...but not like i do. I
have talked to my son and he wants me to have this surgery because like he
said...Mom, its not gonna get any better if you dont. But Ive had friends
who have had it and done great so he expects everything to be fine. I try
to look at it like this... first, as scared as I am to do this, I am more
afraid that oneday my son will get up and go to school and my daughter will
wake up and I will be dead in my recliner, which is where i sleep now due
to sleep apnea. I cant let her find me like that. Also, I believe in God
and I believe he'll see me threw. he knows Im doing this for my kids so I
will be healthy and a better mom to them. He knows they need me. I also
have done my research and 1-2% mortality rate doesnt seem that high. That
means I have a 98-99% chance of being fine and getting my life back. I
hope this helps you find some peace. I know its hard. Any time you wanna
talk please email me and I'll give you my number if you wanna call. Maybe
I'll meet ya at Dr Coxs office.
Love and peace,
mary Brake
— justaboutkrazy
August 23, 2005
I too had the same concerns that you do. My son is 15 years old and I am a
single parent as well. My son understood the reason that the surgery was a
medical have to. I made sure that my living will and my sons guardianship
papers were in order before I had the surgery. I also have read the
memorial page but I didn't let that deter me in having a life saving
surgery. Some of the people listed also had a lot of other health problems
before their surgery. I prepared my son with the fact that I might not
survive the surgery, but I praise God that I did! I know that the decision
to have the surgery was the right one. Because I want to see my son
graduate from high school and college and one day hope to hold my first
grandchild. Ask God to guide you thru your decision and leave it in His
hands. God Bless! RYN-Lap 6/16/05 292/230
— LilaDove
August 23, 2005
The memorials do it every time! I don't know why we put ourselves through
that, but many of us do. Obviously things can go wrong, but focus on the
positive. Are you happy and confident with your surgeon? If yes, then put
yourself in his or her hands and think of your new healthy life, that your
kids will enjoy as much or more than you.
<p>In my opinion, I would make sure the kids understand that you are
having surgery and it is serious. I would not go into surgery without the
2 older ones knowing it. It would not be fair to them, in case something
did happen. But assure them that you have a good surgeon and he or she has
done many of these procedures and keep it positive. I do not know if you
believe in God or not, but if you do, let them know that God will take care
of you and should the worst happen it's because God has decided it's time
to take you home. Make sure they understand that they would be taken care
of and who would be doing that. They need assurances that they would not
be left hanging in the wind with no direction. If you don't have all of
that arranged, then you MUST do it before surgery. You do not want your
kids to become a ward of the state, even if only temporary, because you do
not have a legal document that says who should be their guardian in case
you die.
<p>I know it's hard. My husband is going through a similar thing
right now as his surgery is scheduled for Sept 13th. He has a 5 yr old son
from a previous marriage. I just assumed he was going to tell his son, but
I don't think he is now. Personally I'm not sure I agree, because it would
be harder on Cam if all of the sudden dad died, but it's his call, not
mine. I know my husband has total confidence in the surgeon (he did my
surgery 2-1/2 years ago) and the hospital etc., and he has placed his fate
in God's hands. He does not want to leave his son or me, but he will
accept whatever God decides. He knows he needs to do this as his diabetes
is nuts and nothing else is working well.
<p>Only you can decide what is best for your kids, but at least say
something to the 17 yr old. He is basically an adult and deserves to know
what the situation could be. A lot of the responsibility of raising the
other two would end up on him, even with guardians. He would be the glue
that holds the 3 together. I know you are scared, but please focus on the
odds. They are WAY in your favor for positive outcome. There are only a
handful of people who have serious problems or end up dying during surgery.
Blessing for a safe surgery and quick recovery.
— zoedogcbr
August 24, 2005
Well, the seventeen-year-old child certainly can be told a little more than
the two-year-old! There is such an age difference from child to child that
you really should plan what you tell them differently. You also need to
take their personalities into effect. Some people are more mature at nine
than others at seventeen. I would just tell the two-year-old that you will
be in the hospital for a while. I would probably tell the
seventten-year-old that the surgery has risks, but not go into such detail
as to frighten him or use him to tell your fears to.
Just remember that, statistically, the operation is not as dangerous as
many other operations! Look for a doctor who has done the surgery many
times and has a near-perfect success rate, even if you have to travel a
little farther. My doctor is over an hour away on crowded roads, but has
done more and has a better rep than closer doctors.
Good luck!
— Novashannon
August 24, 2005
I had my surgery March 28, 2005. At that time my youngest was 6 months old.
I was terrified of leaving her alone and that she might never know me if
something happened. It was awful. It was scary. When I left for the surgery
I made sure I had left instructions of what would happen to my kids if
something happened to me. I wrote them letters for when they were older.
When I got to the hospital I spoke to the anasethesioligist briefly about
my fears. I was very honest with all my pre-surgery questions. I woke upe
very thankful to be alive. Now I am 80lbs less. I have tons more energy. My
kids and I have spent the summer camping and doing stuff I wouldn't have
had energy for before. It was worth it...hang in there!! Remember.. you
could be taken away from them tomorrow in an accident. Life is fleeting...
do this FOR YOU!!! The death rate is really small actually. We don't know
if the people that died had prior conditions that added to this or not. The
best we can do is try to be in the best health state we can and do
everything after to stay healthy. It's hard before the surgery, but after
you will be thankful you did it.
— bettya
August 24, 2005
Melinda, I have a 7 yr old I am preparing. One thing I found is being
honest but positive helps them through it. My child is also involved with
this as I am doing this for me but also for him so I do not leave this
earth too soon. I want to see him graduate and maybe even marry someday
but if I DON"T do this, it will never happen. He likes being part of
the process and the doctor should feel free to let you bring the children
with you so they can also explain what is happening. A child respect
honesty but is more hurt by hiding things from them because you may think
they do not understand. My child has been my biggest supporter in all
this. Just be honest with them and Believe in your doctor and this
surgery!!!!
— jstplainwyrd1956
August 24, 2005
I am married and have three girls. I went through the same emotions, but
not in front of the kids. I have three girls 6 months, 4 years old, and 8
years old. I would have hated that I would have died and leaving them
alone. I am the only bread winner. So I know it would have been devastating
if worse came to worse. I am 40 years old and I had a cousin that was over
weight and died at 42. So which one will it be. I have had a friend to die
at 37. I always wondered why I made it so far.
I believe it doesn't matter when the Lord wants you, it doesnt matter.
When you get in your car and drive your car. Your chances of losing your
life then is greater then the surgery.
Well, you could die from the surgery, but you have a greater chance of
death being over weight and sooner. I had my surgery June 8, 2005. I have
lost 70lbs and feel 100% better. Believe me I would do it again.
These doctors do this all the time. I was told by a worker the day
after surgery, That did one of several leak tests prior to being released.
He told me my surgeon does this so much he could do it with his eyes
closed. That made me feel good, along with hearing others saying that my
surgeon has the least amount of complications in the country, other than
one. I would say all these surgeons are highly trained. Dont worry so much
and dont worry your kids so much. They have enough worries just growing up.
You will do fine. Just follow your doctors instructions and you will do
fine.
— Kevin R.
August 25, 2005
I have 3 children as well and I think this is a fear we all have. You need
to pray for comfort that you are doing the right thing and ask God to take
away the fear you have. I did this and felt so much better after about a
week of praying for comfort from my fear of dying from having the surgery.
Rememeber that our life is in God's hands and when it is our time there is
nothing anybody can do. So if you are meant to leave, your survivors have
to accept that it is God's plan and no one can change that. I wish you
luck and my prayers are with you.
Jersey Girl 1/18/05 307/205
— JerseyGirl
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