Question:
Post Op Marital Issues

I had my surgery 4/29/03 (-50lbs. so far), have been married 18 years and just got a heck of a shock. With all the emotional issues that come along with the surgery itself, I just discovered my husband has been having a sort of "mini-affair" for the last 6 months!! They both say it was more of a very intense "friendship" that never quite got physical. ANYWAY...they spent unbelievable amounts of time talking on the phone (including 9 times the day I had my surgery). He did not want me to have the surgery (says he was worried about me), and now that I have seen her I am really bummed. She is bigger than I ever was. Now he says he wants his family and is ever so sorry. Now how the hell do I deal with this?    — chippywah (posted on July 2, 2003)

July 2, 2003
How do you WANT to deal with this? Personally, I'm more upset with the idea of an emotional affair than a physical one where intense emotion wasn't necessarily involved. I agree with the previous poster that counceling sounds like an excellent idea if you wish to pursue keeping your marraige together. Questions I'd be asking are "How many times has this happened before?" "Was/is he a good husband in most other aspects?" "Are you still friends?" "How well do you deal with betrayal?" These are all things that a councelor can help you think about (and many others) and help YOU to sort out whether this is an investment you wish to keep putting your efforts into or whether it's time to pull out! I sure wish you tons of luck!
   — [Deactivated Member]

July 2, 2003
Hi there, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I don't think there is anything more devastating than finding out that someone you love and trust has betrayed you. I would suggest that you attend counseling alone and together with your husband. If he does not want to go, then just go by yourself. You could tell him that if he truly wants his family back that he needs to do this with you so you can both work through it. Otherwise, if he doesn't put out any effort, will you ever be able to trust him again? Counseling has really helped me personally in the past, and it can be through an actual counselor or if you go to church, through a church leader (pastor, priest, etc.) But most of all I would suggest doing some private counseling anyway to help you deal with not only your surgery but with your feelings about what you've discovered. It's hard to trust again after something like this, and talking to someone about it may help you sort through your feelings. Good luck!
   — beeda

July 2, 2003
This may not be the *best* time to make decisions like this-you are under the influence of all those freed hormones that were stored in fat. I stay with the old Dear Abby question- are you better off with him or without him?
   — Karen N.

July 2, 2003
I am going to go out on a limb here... and throw a theory out....Do you think it's possible this "emotional affair" intensified after your decision to do the surgery??? There are men out there that find security in being with a "bigger" woman. I noticed tha since I have announced my decision the men I am around now have become very "worried" about how I will change after the surgery and if I will change "too much".....My guess is he is acting out of the fear that you will become, thin, happy, more beautiful and suddenly want more....then bam! his security is gone... I think this isn't a good time for dramatic decisions right now ....just sit back and observe his actions and his sincerity will be revealed....Best wishes ...I will be praying for you
   — E. V.

July 2, 2003
Has he agreed not to talk with her again? And do you believe him when he says he is sorry and wants his family, or is he just sorry he got caught? What has been his track record during the 18 year marriage-does he treat you with respect and love? I definitely suggest counseling. The trust factor, once lost is a tough one to get past, and some can't quite get past the betrayal. An emotional affair, instead of a physical one is sometimes more devastating. You have to decide if you want this marriage to continue and if so, go into counseling to work out these issues, which include his willingness to give up his buddy for good. Your emotions/hormones are not in the best place right now, being a fairly new post-op, so give any major decisions some time.
   — Cindy R.

July 2, 2003
I agree with an earlier answer - your hubby's emotions are on a roller-coaster too. He was probably feeling a little neglected by you as you researched the surgery, had all the pre-op attn, and all the attention after surgery. Now that you are looking good, he may be worried that you will become a skinni-mini and leave him... so he was reaching out for emotional support - but, he let it get carried away. I would keep an eye on your goal and keep a close eye on him also.
   — Valerie H.

July 2, 2003
I went through this kind of thing with my EX husband. Once a cheater always a cheater.....I didnt believe it. I said that he regrets what he did, he is sorry, he wants to keep our family together ect. I forgave him and I watched him like a hawk because I didnt trust him...Then I went to work and I couldnt watch him. He knew it and started cheating again. When I talked to him about it he told me that he still loves me, it just happened and he thought that would forgive him because I did before. I can tell you that after the first time I never forgave him in my heart and I certainly never trusted him again. Also like your hubby, mine cheated with a woman heavier than me (I knew nothing of wls back then). I left him and am happily remarried to a GREAT (noncheating)guy. Us pre-opers are under a tremendous strain and on an emotional rollercoaster. We are scared, nervous...all of those things our spouses feel and MORE.....did you go out and cheat?? What if someone were being treated for an illness and was too ill to have sex...Is it fair for the spouse to have an affair or should he/she remain faithful to the sick spouse until they were better?? How much of an excuse is necessary to make it ok to cheat? I agree with a previous poster who said that an emotional affair is worse......these 2 people have created a bond. And what kind of a concerned husband spends 1/2 the day on the phone with his girlfriend when his WIFE, MOTHER OF HIS BROOD, is having major surgery!?!?!?!~~~~~Sorry, Im kind of ranting here, but I VIVIDLY remember the hurt and humilation that my ex caused me with his selfishness..GOOD LUCK....your welcome to email [email protected]
   — cherokey55

July 3, 2003
If you keep him, I suggest counseling... to rebuild trust is critical. Even if he never cheates (emotionally or physically) again, if you even THINK he is cheating on you it will be impossible to live with him after a first betrayal.
   — kultgirl