Question:
Post Op, has anyone been told or accused that you are insensitive?
I'm going to be real honest here. Since WLS, I've been accused or should I say *perceived* as being or saying rude things to others. It's simply not that way at all and because others seemingly feel that I have acted in these ways, I decided to really inquire about it in one of my groups. I've not been aware of this, and it is NEVER my intent to have said or do anything hurtful to anyone. Do you think it's because of where we're from? Past abuses or feelings or perhaps we just put up an imaginery wall to keep the hurt out? I don't know the answer, but I KNOW that I have changed for the better and I can't please everyone with what I say. Even when I'm asked something, directly, and give an answer, anymore I won't answer right away...I think about it for a while because of what others think. I won't use the excuse, "I'm only human", but I will say that you can't please everyone even when you know you have no malice or ulterior motive behind what you have said. C'mon, I pay close attention to the private emails from those that have scolded me...some are what I can say are dear friends. I don't want anything on my conscience. If I owe any apologies, and I'm made aware of it, I want to keep myself right and get the bad feelings another has felt as a result how I've been insensitive out of my heart so that I won't try to retaliate. It's time to do an "inventory" when those real friends and close to you tell you, "girlfriend, you could have said that a little better", huh? Perception matters, expecially since now I facilitate customer service training, I'm making it priority to be careful of what I say and HOW I say it. Have any of you felt this way...I mean really? Have you been told you're insensitive or cold? Or is it now, you feel bold enough to speak up now, when you were quiet as a mouse before? I've been speaking to my spiritual advisor who has been very understanding of some past issues I've had, but have told me to "pray, ask for forgiveness from those you have offended and mean it, and reconciliate with them." I may be asking for it, but I'm interested in what you're feeling about this and how, if you are guilty, you are handling it. Be honest. Have you ever felt this way or have done these things? Thanks for your responses. Hadiyah McCutcheon, a.k.a.~~ — yourdivaness (posted on April 18, 2003)
April 18, 2003
i have had the same problem in the past. what i have learned is you don't
always have to answer someone's question. and if you choose to answer a
question you don't have to make it a speak and keep going untill the other
person agrees with you. short and sweet. i know that if i were to ask my
mom her opion on something she will tell me the truth....haha and that
doesn't mean she takes my side or agrees with me all the time. she says it
like it is and i love that about her. BUT she never gives out free advice
when i don't ask for it. haha even when i KNOW she is dying to give it
haha. it's important to remember that when someone is in hard times and
asks for "ADVICE" they may not really want advice but for you to
confirm how they are feeling about something and only tell them what they
want to hear.
— franbvan
April 18, 2003
Hhmmmm..if you had said that only one person mentioned this, I would say
brush it off. Since it seems multiple people all have the same perception,
it's probably worth looking at. This is just an idea and I am not saying
this is what is going on with you. Many of us have used our weight as a
shield, a way to keep us safe from the world. The idea is if we are fat,
no one will get close to us and they won't be able to hurt us. In the
absence of the weight we are forced to find other ways to deal with our
fears, emotions. Is it possible that without realizing it, you are trying
to emotionally distance yourself from people with your words? Just a
thought.
— StephN1966
April 19, 2003
YES, YES, YES! I can't even begin to tell you all of the instances were I
have done/said something and then thought about how awful it was to do or
say. I laughed when someone slipped on ice and fell (they weren't injured,
but I LAUGHED), this is just one of many, many, many cases. I can
completely relate to you. Before my surgery I would have never received
gratitude from someone elses mistake/pain/misfortune, etc. and maybe it was
because I didn't want people to laugh at me or to make fun of me, I don't
know. I have begun to catch myself doing it now though. I too have made a
major effort to change my ways. I used to be so sweet and sensitive and I
want to continue to be that way, not a hardened b*tch (which I feel I have
become). I can't deny that it has something to do with losing 150 lbs. I
wish you the best of luck in making things right for yourself, I can attest
to the difficulty involved in it.
— Chloe S.
April 19, 2003
It may also be a matter of your friends being used to you being the 'sweet,
kind' person. Did you refrain from saying what you really thought pre-op
because you didn't want people to not like you? If so and you now feel
free to speak your mind, some of your friends may interpret that as your
being 'mean'. There's an old saying that you can't please all of the
people all of the time. As long as you are not being intentionally cruel,
but are just now feeling free to speak your mind, I wouldn't worry too much
about it. Several of my favorite people are the ones that I always know
where I stand with. I know they're not feeding me a line of crap because
that's not the way they operate. I prefer that to people who may be just
telling me what they think I want to hear.
— garw
April 19, 2003
I've been told that I have become "Cocky" and "sassy".
The fact is, I just wasn't being myself before. And I am not cocky now.
I act like anyone else does, it's just that noone is used to me actually
standing my ground. 4 months ago, I would say sorry....today I say
"screw 'em".
and I am just fine with that.
— thekatinthehat
April 21, 2003
I've been told by FAMILY members that I've become a SNOB ! Go figure a
snob,..... they say I have no time for them any more. They say this
because they might be jealous, I work out and go to the gym 3 times aday, I
go to the tanning salon every 2 days, I get my nails toes/ and finger
done, and keep myself up, I'm always finding new things to get into ,
(Swimming, scuba diving, skiing, you name it) It all looks interesting. My
husband loves it, that I've actaully done a complete 360 from the old self
I used to be, how-ever the family members, aren't too happy.....
I've invited them over, to have fun, ie, work out with me, go window
shopping, you name it... I just can't stand sitting still anymore. So they
think I've become a snob, my major family fawl, would be that no matter
what changes I"ve made, (The family still migrates towards food) and
with that I try to bring up ideas and options to get as far away from that
as possible........
Hey let's go to Disney Land..... Lets go to Wet n Wild ?
They just don't see my prespective on this, and I have to be rude and tell
them, sorry,.... Food addictition was the reason I had this surgery ! ,
I'm so much better off burning it then just consuming ...........
Post op 11 months, down 127 pounds....
P.s. Hopefully one of these days they realize, that I'm so much more
healthier then I have ever been, I feel like life has just taken off, and I
don't want to be in the back seat this time......
— tannedtigress
April 21, 2003
I've been told by FAMILY members that I've become a SNOB ! Go figure a
snob,..... they say I have no time for them any more. They say this
because they might be jealous, I work out and go to the gym 3 times aday, I
go to the tanning salon every 2 days, I get my nails toes/ and finger
done, and keep myself up, I'm always finding new things to get into ,
(Swimming, scuba diving, skiing, you name it) It all looks interesting. My
husband loves it, that I've actaully done a complete 360 from the old self
I used to be, how-ever the family members, aren't too happy.....
I've invited them over, to have fun, ie, work out with me, go window
shopping, you name it... I just can't stand sitting still anymore. So they
think I've become a snob, my major family fawl, would be that no matter
what changes I"ve made, (The family still migrates towards food) and
with that I try to bring up ideas and options to get as far away from that
as possible........
Hey let's go to Disney Land..... Lets go to Wet n Wild ?
They just don't see my prespective on this, and I have to be rude and tell
them, sorry,.... Food addictition was the reason I had this surgery ! ,
I'm so much better off burning it then just consuming ...........
Post op 11 months, down 127 pounds....
P.s. Hopefully one of these days they realize, that I'm so much more
healthier then I have ever been, I feel like life has just taken off, and I
don't want to be in the back seat this time......
— tannedtigress
April 21, 2003
Hey I missed up my previous post, I work out 3 times a week, not a day, man
I have energy but not that much,that would be nice........
Sorry !
— tannedtigress
June 18, 2003
Original Poster Here: I just want to say “Thank You”
to ALL of you, for taking the time to respond to my question(s).
Oftentimes, I’m so busy reading and responding to others, that
I’m unable to get back to my own posts. I try to make time for
others just as others have taken time for me both pre and post-operatively.
You clicked on and shared your knowledge, when you could have simply moved
on to the next question(s) from others. I appreciate you! Luv, Prayers and
{{{HUGS}}} Hadiyah McCutcheon, a.k.a.~~
— yourdivaness
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