Question:
Dating, I feel so guilty about this, please help.
I'm 11 weeks post RNY and down 48 pounds which is great, I feel terrific. Recently I started dating a new guy. He is a big guy which has never been a problem for me before. In fact, generally I am more attracted to bigger men. I just like the way I feel when a big guy wraps his arms around me. The problem is this. We have been on 3 dates, each time he chooses a restaurant that has a buffet. He knows that I have had surgery and eat very little so that is not a big deal. The problem is all mine, I literally get nauseated watching him eat plate after plate piled with food. Now, I am beginning to worry that once my appetite returns his eating behaviour will begin to affect mine. It's easy not to overeat now because I am never hungry, but what happens later? I feel terribly guilty for excluding someone simply because of eating issues because I know how it felt when I was excluded because of my weight. At the same time though, I feel like I have to take care of myself first and know this is not a good enviornment for me to be in. Any Advice? — StephN1966 (posted on June 8, 2003)
June 7, 2003
The way I see this is, if I were an alcoholic the last place I'd let a date
take me is to a bar. You need to sit down and talk very honestly and
earnestly with him. If he really cares for you and wants the relationship
to flourish, he'll show some respect and will choose other places to eat.
In fact, who made the rule that all dates have to start with a meal. Dan
and I do most of our dating away from food places. He knows how important
this is to me so he never pushes it. When we do go to restaurants he always
makes sure it's a place where they have something I can eat or they make
arrangements for WLS people. I figure you really have to make your own
choice and set your priorities and boundaries on this one. Another thing,
I'm a little over a year out and really can't eat that much so a buffet
wouldn't be a problem to me - just a big waste of money. My son and I went
to a seafood restaurant yesterday and I had about 2 oz broiled fish, 3 very
small wedges of roasted new potatoes and about 3 bites of salad and was
STUFFED. Another thing - I have never been one to pay attention to what or
how much other people eat, but lately I'm noticing it more. We have a lady
at work who quit smoking and has, to her own admission, gained quite a bit
of weight. Well, she started smoking again so she would stop gaining weight
but she still visits the snack machine (which is located right outside my
office) at least 4-5 times every morning before lunch. Before the surgery I
would have never even noticed anyone going in there but for some reason I
notice it now. I can tell you who will come in, what time they'll come in,
and what they are going to buy on each trip. I can't understand why I'm
doing this - it's sure not out of boredom and I'm definitely not judging
anyone - I just notice it. I find myself at restaurants sitting in awe at
how much someone eats at a meal - even my own family. Maybe it's because
after 5 bites I pretty much don't have anything else to do. I don't know.
What really gets me is that I ate like that not too terribly long ago.
Maybe I'm sitting there thinking, "Good grief, no wonder I'm
fat!" Anyway good luck on your situation. I know it's hard to deal
with but you'll get through it. If he cares, he'll help you figure it out.
— Vicki H.
June 7, 2003
Amen Vickie!
— Darlene H.
June 8, 2003
Stephanie, you should be proud of yourself not only for your success but
for your self-awareness. The fact that you recognize trigger situations is
great. Your statement "I feel like I have to take care of myself
first" is a profound statement for one of "us" to make. I
think that is why we are so much happier post-op. Not just the health
improvements, the smaller clothes...we FINALLY learn how to put our own
needs first. And there is nothing selfish about that. You obviously are
considering this man's feelings. Just talk with him about YOUR issues,
without mentioning his eating habits. Focus on what makes YOU worry about
yourself and your dining options. A "hidden" benefit of steering
him away from regular buffet dining for your sake, may be an awakening for
him. But no matter what, please keep this awareness that you have! Good
Luck! - Anna
— Anna L.
June 8, 2003
Stephanie, I think you are on the right track with your thinking. You MUST
think about yourself first ! For most of us this is, or will be, part of
the change we need to make to be successful over the long term. It is so
easy to fall into the trap of trying to please others and putting your
needs at the back of the line. Maybe YOU can be the one to suggest where
the next date will be ? Guys love sports so maybe a Baseball game would be
something fun ? With the warmer weather outdoor stuff is totally in order.
I see by your profile that you live in MD. Would a day trip to Ocean City
be a cool date? Get some walking in and enjoy some sunshine (if it ever
comes out :) )Who knows, you may even be able to lure him away from the
table and help him to improve his activity level. Let him know how
important it is for you to get your exercise in. If he ignores your
needs....well, then you will need to decide if you want to tackle that
challange. Good Luck, let us know how you make out !!
— blockie
June 8, 2003
Stephanie, Personally, this guy would turn me off completely! First of all,
you said he wants to eat at an "All You Can Eat" Buffet every
time you go out. There should be warning bells going off big time inside of
you. Does this not indicate that this man has a serious problem with food
addiction, himself? Do you need to be around someone who will pull you back
into the lifestyle you are trying so much to escape? <p>Secondly, you
said he "eats plate after plate" of food. Another big problem
here--it's called "gluttony". Gluttony is a sin in most
religions--don't know if you're religious or not, but it is a big issue
with me. I consider gluttony immoral, unethical, and sinful. It's the same
thing as drunkenness, only it's abuse of food rather than alcohol. And
those who over-indulge in this abuse and excess are in turn abusing their
own body. If you had food addictions before surgery, the last thing you
want to do is get involved with someone who will pull you back into this
self-destructive lifestyle. Granted, he probably does not see this as a
problem, and he probably doesn't even realize he has a problem with food
either. But it is up to you to save yourself, and your attempts to change
his behavior will only backfire in your face. It has to come from deep
within each individual to change. You have made the change--he hasn't. I
would gently let this man down and move on to find someone I was more
compatible with--especially in this critical area. My humble opinion.
Please do not blast me, folks--I'm only attempting to share another point
of view for Stephanie and others to analyze. My best wishes to you,
Stephanie, and your continued success on this amazing WLS journey. God
bless.
— artistmama
June 8, 2003
Stephanie, Stephanie, Stephanie...
This is the time when you are setting up your good habits for the rest of
your life! Do you WANT to learn how to sit at buffets for the rest of your
life watching other people eat? Don't you want to be healthy? You've done
so much for yourself, don't compromise now. Have a chat with the
gentleman. It doesn't matter how big and cute the fellow is if he's not
thoughtful and sensitive to you and your new habits. Let's say you marry
this guy some day longtime down the road...are you prepared to eat in
buffets all the time? And how healthy is he? Don't mean to be harsh! Put
yourself first no matter what. You deserve it!
— Sherilyn H.
June 8, 2003
Tell him how you feel. Especially before you get anymore emotionally
attached than you may now be. Perhaps he will be understanding & make
effort to make it more comfortable for you. If he doesn't or feels he
cannot. Then move on .. As hard as that may be.
— Sarah H.
June 8, 2003
Now, I may get flak for saying this, but, my opinion is this...if you have
a problem with eating out with this man, simply based on the choice of
restaurants, that's one thing... and you should suggest other
places...however, I read you talking about him making you nauseous by
eating plate after plate of food, well you know what?? Most overweight
people do! I know I do, that's why I"m here now... BUT!!! If someone
I dated dared to give me problems about it, or tell me I made them sick by
how much I ate... I can assure you that I would drop them faster than you
could say adios!!!! It's just like the reformed smoker who expects
everyone around them to quit, or the reformed drinker who thinks no one
else should drink in their presence....You are correct in saying THIS IS
YOUR PROBLEM.. you have a lifetime ahead of you to deal with it, as we ALL
do, and we need to deal with it!!! It's nice to care about others health,
but you can't force anyone to do anything, and it would be pretty
unforgivable to make this man feel bad about his eating, how would you feel
in his place??? So, if you can politely suggest another dating
location,ect, fine, then do so, but please don't ruin a nice relationship,
or hurt the feelings of a good man simply because YOU have issues you can't
handle yet. IT's not fair to either of you!!! AA tells you not to date
when you're working on your steps... maybe it's not such a bad idea with
any addiction... get yourself straightened out first, then work on your
relationships with others... Again, I'm not attacking you personally, but I
do think you need to be very careful of how you handle this situation, if
you really do care for this man. Good luck.
— Kelly B.
June 8, 2003
I think I have to agree with Kelly. What/how he eats has to be his choice.
Sure, you would like him to be & eat healthy, but it's a little early
for trying to change him, as if that EVER works, anyway. And maybe he IS
healthy now, albeit big. Personally, I get frustrated when I eat with
someone who shovels their food in & after 20 minutes has eaten all they
want & is ready to go. I eat so much more slowly now, if I can spend
longer at a meal, I can eat enough to stay full for awhile. I do tend to
stay away from buffets usually, they just don't seem cost-worthy for me,
but if you just eat what you want & let him eat what he wants, and
don't focus on his eating but on yours, maybe it will work out. I HATE it
when people focus on what & how I eat, paying attention to how much I
leave. If it's good with him otherwise, it sounds worth a try. Also, the
"hoped-for" result of this surgery is that after your appetite
comes back, your eating will be determined by your hunger, NOT by what
someone else does or doesn't eat & not by whatever food is available.
There is ALWAYS food available for overeating, if you want it. We use this
time to develop good eating habits that will last & you really CAN see
other people making poor choices & snacking all the time that remind us
how we used to eat & how and why we don't ever want to go there again.
Good luck with your new romance. How fun!
— Kathy W.
June 8, 2003
Hi Stephanie, In your note you say "We have been on 3 dates,each time
he chooses a restaurant that has a buffet" "I literally get
nauseated watching him eat plate after plate piled with food" THESE
ARE WARNING BELLS RINGING IN YOUR HEAD LOUD AND CLEAR. PLEASE LISTEN TO
THEM, PROTECT YOURSELF, PUT YOURSELF FIRST. I would not go so far as to
say RUN, but you are right when you question yourself about this type of
enviroment and the type of man who would bring a gastric bypass post op to
a buffet restaurant for the first 3 dates. Dr.Phil would say "what was
he thinking?" Even if he is a nice guy, his eating pattern in no
where near what yours is now. This would be like you being a recovering
alcoholic and him being an active alcoholic. If this were the case would
you still want to date him? There are so many guys out there and it has
been suggested by another poster that maybe you should wait to date until
you are comfortable with YOUR NEW LIFESTYLE, settled in it with a good
healthy balance of foods and activities. IMHO, I would not date him
anymore, telling him that you are looking for a guy to date that the dates
don't include restaurants until you are at least 1 year out. It could be a
promise you have made to yourself. After all, you have only been on 3 dates
and it sounds like you were somewhat uncomfortable on all of them. Base any
new relationship on everything else but food. As your weight goes down, a
good match for you could be someone you least expect but he will be someone
who has a healthy lifestyle just like you :)
Good luck and take care of yourself.
— mary ann T.
June 8, 2003
Boy, you sure got some strong reactions to this question! I think that I
would take a softer approach. (Please don't blast me folks!) I would just
tell him that buffets are too hard for me, and ask if he would mind taking
you somewhere else on a date (next time he asks you out). It would be
interesting to see what his answer is. If he's not interested in anywhere
else, don't go. It is possible to set limits in relationships.
— Kathy J.
June 8, 2003
I didn't read all the responses below, but here is my thought. Hope I'm
not repeating anyone. Maybe you could gently steer him away from
"food dates". Go anywhere but to a resturant. After awhile
maybe you could suggest a resturant that has a good salad bar.
— doodlebug
June 8, 2003
Okay, here's how I see things...FRIST DO NOT FEEL GUILT for your new
feelings. Remember YOU have made a choice to change YOUR life and that is
not an easy decision by any means. I would have to agree with the previous
poster who suggested that for a while try to steer away from
"dinner" dates, but if not, I say put your foot down and pick a
restraunt that does not include a buffet and if he says anything say
"I've been wanting to try this place and hey its my treat".... if
you pay it may give you more strength to say this is where I want to go.
On another note, congrats on your loss!
— Kim M.
June 9, 2003
I have to comment on Brenda Z response. I have been on this site for about
5 months now and never really responded until now. I could not believe
Branda's answer to this question, that having a eating problem is a sin,
unethical and immoral? so that means everyone who has had this surgery is
a sinner? We all had a "food" problem if not we would never would
have had the need to have this surgery including yourself Brenda. I was not
a sinner, I was not immoral, I am not un-ethical, I had a problem that
thank God I and ALL of us including yourself Brenda found a tool to help
us. I am so sick of "God loving" people telling other's what
they are and what they are not. People who abuse drugs, food, booze, are
not sinners they are people who have a problem and if they are lucky, will
find something that will help them. People in glass houses Brenda should
not throw stones.
— Cagspence S.
June 9, 2003
Your just a new post-op so any type of restaurant eating is not easy at
this stage. Since it has only been 3 dates, if you really like this guy
and want to continue dating him, suggest different non-buffet food places
and explain why to him (I'd leave out the part about getting nauseating
watching him eat!). If he is sensitive to your needs he will accomodate
you, but understand he is a big guy and will always eat large amounts.
Heck, even normal sized portions of food can seem huge to us! I have been
to a few buffets since my surgery 16 mo ago, and I actually like them. No,
I can't eat much but its nice to try a little bite of this and a bite of
that. Its easier to sample then just getting one dish. Your smart to know
that you have to take care of yourself, but you will never be able to
remove yourself from food environments-we live in a social world
(birthdays, holidays, parties, lunch etc) and food is at the center of
it-you have to learn how to set your own limits and live in that world.
— Cindy R.
June 10, 2003
Hi five, Cagspence! What a glaring hypocrisy! Thanks for saying what I
was thinking.
— Christina Z.
June 10, 2003
I am married to a fairly "big guy"...and like you I love big guys
:) I asked him this question: "If when you and I had started dating I
had told you I had wls and that going to buffets was not a good idea for
me, how would you have reacted?" He told me it would have been no big
deal at all. That all I needed to do was suggest somewhere else to go (food
or otherwise) and that would have been fine. Now I agree with Cindy, big
guys eat a lot, that may be something you have to deal with or perhaps you
may need to rethink the guys you go out with. I know I personally will have
to learn to deal with my husbands eating habits, but, I love him and I
think all things can be overcome with time and effort. Talk to him if you
really like him and just explain things. I bet he will understand.
Also...maybe for date #4 you could ask him over and cook for him? You can
feed him what you want and how much you want and if he's still hungry....he
can hit Mcdonalds on the way home!
— Mindy R.
Click Here to Return