Question:
How do I deal with people?
I researched getting a gastric bypass for a year before my surgery (had it March 17, 2003). I have lost 151 pounds and I am still losing. <p> I knew the risks involved with the surgery, I made sure I did. <p> But.... <br> I had certain friends tell me repeatedly, "Do not have the surgery" They would point out all the things that could go wrong, etc. I was also told that I should buck up and diet properly. (Oh but I did, I was on a med that made me gain most of the weight.) <p> I got the surgery, all went pretty well. But then I had the problems of needing to go to the ER when I was getting stoma problems. <p> Then, of course, I developed the big hernia, an ulcer, and my gall bladder might be taken out. (My hernia surgery is on the 2nd of September. <p> Despite the problems, I have no regrets whatsoever, life is a trade off. <p> Those friends are now telling me, "I told you not to have the surgery, I told you so, see where you are now? I tried to warn you, but did you listen? No." <p> It upsets me, and I don't know how to handle these people. I have Borderline Personality Disorder and I tend to respond to things in a whirlwind of emotion. So far, I haven't gone off on these people, simply saying, "I have no regrets." But they keep on pushing. I would love some advice as to how to deal with these people! <p> Hugs,<br> Tracy — Tracydarlin (posted on August 31, 2004)
August 31, 2004
There is no real way to respond to them Just know in yur heart you did the
right thing for you. What you could say is instead of putting me down why
not be happy for me in the fact that I did what I needed to do.
— Rosemary L.
August 31, 2004
Tracy, First of all, you did this for you - not them and you are
accountable to yourself - not them. I haven't had first hand dealing with
this, but have imagined it happening if I ever have any problems. I've got
my speech down pat. "I understand that you have been anti-WLS from
the get-go. And though a few setbacks have occurred, the benefits I've
received have far, far outweighed any problems. Since I know you would
never wish me any harm, I thank you for your concern." and leave it
at that. If they continue berating you instead of supporting you, they are
not worthy of being your friend, and maybe you could say "I understand
your feelings on this matter, however since I need to surround myself with
positivity, perhaps we should discontinue this conversation, or I'm afraid
we'll have to discontinue our friendship." Good luck and remember
that though others' ignorance is frustrating, it's not important in the
long run. Best of luck to you! Annie :)
— ruokannie
August 31, 2004
Oh, and congratulations on 151 lbs!! That is amazing and wonderful and I
cannot wait to get there myself!!
Annie :)
— ruokannie
August 31, 2004
I like Annie K's responses below. If you don't speak up and tell your
friends thats enough, they will continue to tell you otherwise. I think
losing 151 pounds is quite the accomplishment in just over a year. So,
politely ask your friends to back off. As my parents used to say to me,
"if you can't say something nice, say nothing at all".
— Cindy R.
August 31, 2004
i know what you mean. when we tell someone about your personal medical
information it's giving them a right to respond because you shared. if you
don't want them to talk about it...then YOU shouldn't bring up the subject
with them. if they bring up the subject on their own just say you don't
want to talk about it. if they keep pushing you could say " if you
were really my friend you wouldn't keep throwing " i told ya
so's" in my face even if you don't agree with the choice i made.
remember if you talk about it be prepared to hear things that you might not
want to hear.
— franbvan
August 31, 2004
Tracy: these people are NOT your friends or they would not be so negative
about your surgery and your upcoming surgeries. Tell them to mind their
own business. Tell them that you would do it again, I sure would. Things
happen that you have to have repaired regardless of what you do in life.
Who is to say that you would not have to have had hernia & gall bladder
surgery if you had not had gastric bypass. One thing is for sure: You
will definitely live longer after you get everything taken care of. Just
find you some new friends...Judy Peters
— juju524
August 31, 2004
Tracy, the next time someone continues to push you after you tell them that
you have no regrets, rip lose. Tell them where they can go & what they
can do with their comments. I tried being polite to certain
"friends" of mine , because I have psych issues also, and it
drove me nuts. I eventually dumped a bunch of them, but friends need to be
supportive and this "I told you so attitude" us not supportive.
You know you did the right thing for you and maybe they need to be
subjected to a "whirlwind of emotion" so they can know just how
much their constant comments really effect you. Good luck. ((((hugs))))
— klinzey
August 31, 2004
Even though I am still a pre-op I can definitely relate to your dilemma.
Most of my friends are against my decision to have WLS and they make it
known. After a while, I slowly stopped talking to them about it. However,
as a trade off I have a couple friends that support me all the way. Even
go to my appts. with me. Because of this I have chosen to only talk about
it with friends that encourage and support me. My other friends are still
in my life just not in a medical capacity. Stand your ground and hang in
there. Remember: until they have walked a mile in your shoes......Aloha,
Lisa
— Lisa J.
August 31, 2004
Tracy...I wholeheartedly agree with Annie K's response. This is very
diplomatic and non-confrontational on your part. After doing your part to
keep the peace (even though it's no one's business what you've had done,
any complications you've had or will have), if these people persist in
berating you or giving their unsolicited opinions, I personally would thank
them for their concern but explain their negative comments are hurtful and
I really don't think we should ever discuss that part of my life. If they
tried bringing it up again, I would remind them we're not to speak of this.
If all this fails, I would terminate my relationship with these
"friends". You need to take care of yourself. You've come a
long way and you know it was the right way to go for you. And YOU are the
only one who matters in your journey (I'm not saying your family DOESN'T
matter, but all in all, we have to do what's best for US...not for them).
Good luck and God bless thru the rest of your journey...Kathy
— Katherine F.
August 31, 2004
The way I see it, you could have gotten a hernia, formed and ulcer, or
needed your gallbladder out despite having surgery. So your
"friends" really can't say anything about those complications.
As for your stoma problem...well, sure, it's an inconvenience, but has your
quality of life suffered? In my opinion, the only TRULY bad complication
is the one that will kill you. Most everything else can be dealt with. It
doesn't sound like your friends are worried about your well-being, since
they are saying "I told you so." Sounds to me like their jealous
of you becoming happy and healthy. I'd get some new friends and enjoy my
life!
— [Deactivated Member]
September 1, 2004
hey tracy,
if you didn't ask these people for their opinions or their approval, why
should you care? unsolicited advice, opinions, approval.... aren't
necessary, wanted or needed. (and, no, i don't know you, or your
relationship with these people, or the dynamics of it) but, you COULD
mention this to them, that unsolicited advice equates to unwanted advice.
remember, opinions are like....well,..... the word I"D use would
offend some,( but, it DOES serve a purpose, to sit on), and while everyone
HAS one, who really needs to see someone else's? (and, yes, since this is
an unsolicited piece of advice, plese feel free to ignore it with the same
alacracity as any other)
and by the way, if you DID ask these people for their opinions, same thing,
their opinion is their opinion. it's valid, yeah, but so is yours. so feel
free to ignore any that isn't convenient for you.
ultimately, we all have to make up our own minds, form our own opinions,
and 'step up to the plate', alone. no-one else is having the surgery for
your benefit. no-one else needed YOUR surgery (if any one else needs
surgery, they don't need yours, they need their own), so while they have
their opinons, those opinions shouldn't have any real weight, since they
are irrelevant.
congrats on your loss, and wtg!!!!
cathryn rauh
— tuxedoll
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