Question:
My dad is pretty upset, surgery 12-10-02, how can i ease his concern?

I am 25 and have always been daddy's little girl. I have been so close to him always, even when he was mad at anyone else, he was always nice to me. Well, several months ago I mentioned the surgery to him and he began putting the surgery down and saying things like, "karen, you only need to lose about 40 lbs, its dangerous, they havnt been doing it that long, etc, etc...." So during my approval journey I knew how he felt so I never mentioned it again. Well, now were down to the nitty gritty and my surgery is less than 2 weeks away. My mom told him that I was going through with it and she says he said that he wished I wouldn't go through with it and so forth. Well, he hasn't said anything to me about it, so last night I went over to their house and was sitting at the bar area talking with my mom and chad ( my boyfriend) and my dad was cooking ribs on the porch and was going in and out and I casually said to him "Dad, are you gonna be at the hospital the day of my surgery?" and about that time the phone rang and the dogs were barking and I clearly heard him say....Why are you having this surgerey? as he was walking away and my mom cushioned the blow and said he asked what date your surgery was, and I said december 10th....I dont know what to tell him to make him understand this is what I want and i love him and respect his opinion but Im not his little girl anymore and this is my body. What should I do? How should I handle this situation. My mom says he's concerned about the whole death issue. I love him dearly and I hate this situation that Im in with him and I just dont know how to handle it.....Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I would like to have a heart to heart, but really dont know where to start.    — Karen W. (posted on November 27, 2002)

November 27, 2002
your father sounds a lot like mine! he does not want you to have surgery, so he will make things 'rough' on you, as punishment for doing what he thinks you should. if it were me, i would sit down with him and tell him flat out "dad i am going to have this surgery, because i truly believe it is the best thing i can do for myself, and i'm sorry you do not understand but you are not 100 (or however much) overweight, so you do not know what i go through daily. i know you are worried but this is going to happen, and i had hoped you could be supportive of me in this difficult decision, if you can not be, then it is a loss for us both, because with or with out you I am having this surgery." at least that is what i pretty much told my father. i also added it was MY LIFE and i had to do what was best for me, and it was not his decision to make! good luck!! its a control issue!
   — janetc00

November 27, 2002
First of all explain to him the amount of research that you have done. Tell him that you are not only doing this for appearance, you are doing this to improve your overall health permanently. I had problems with my mother too. Finally, I told her that I loved her, but I was an adult and this was my decision. I would not be changing my mind. I would love it if she could find it in her heart to support me because I needed her. However, if she chose not to I would still be doing it. The day before my surgery she drove over 300 miles to be there. When I woke up in the recovery room she was holding my hand. As soon as she knew I was OK she passed out cold right there in the recovery room. Now six months later, I am down 106 pounds, below goal. I am happier and healthier than I have ever been. Now she says that it was the best decision that I ever made.
   — Linda A.

November 27, 2002
My mother was livid and I was 54 years old when I had the operation 2 years ago!!! She was afraid I would become anorexic and wither away to nothing and die right before her eyes. My daughter was angry because I was taking a "short cut" rather than dieting. I just smiled and listened to what they had to say and told'em I was STILL going to have the operation, period. I would almost rather be dead than be that fat; I looked like the refrigerator. After I had the operation and lost the weight and she saw that I was following the rules and I haven't been "sickly" and haven't withered away to nothing ... she is fine with it. Parents, no matter how old their "kids" are, worry about them dying and not having the operation would cure that worry. Just tell him that you have tried everything under the sun and you are unhealthy and unhappy and you want to do something before you die because you are over weight. Your heart will lead the conversation. Good luck!
   — Betty Todd

November 27, 2002
It's possible that he does not understand why you are having this surgery because he thinks you're beautiful just the way you are. He probably thinks that you are out of your mind for choosing to go through such a "drastic" proceedure when you're fine just the way you are. My husband had a similar attitude when I told him I wanted to have this surgery. He said he loved me just the way I was and had no idea why I felt the need to change myself. He knew very little about this surgery at first and was very worried. Once I educated him about the surgery (mostly by bringing him to this site) he was completely supportive. He understands that I did this because I want to be a happier healthier person. Can you bring your dad to this site and show him some before and after pictures? Maybe find a good profile that someone has posted and have him read it so he can get an idea of what the process is like. I'd be willing to bet he would be a lot more supportive if he had the facts. Hugs to you!!
   — Traci A.

November 28, 2002

   — Kim M.