Question:
How can I get my husband to be serious about this??

I love my husband very much, but he's what they call a feeder. Not only that, he thinks he's a comedian and wants to impress everyone with his sense of humor. His sense of humor is one thing that attracted me to him and most of the time he's really cute, but sometimes he gets carried away and doesn't take well to criticism. Well, this time he's gone too far and I don't know how to deal with it. Since I started looking into WLS he's been very supportive, but makes jokes that he thinks are funny, but I find offensive. For example, the other night we were cooking dinner together and he wanted to fry chicken. I NEVER fry chicken and said fine since I wouldn't be able to eat such fatty foods after the surgery anyway. He went on to say if we had a deep fat fryer we could make french fries, fried zuchinni, donuts, and on and on. He thought he was being funny. I said that we shouldn't have a fryer because I wouldn't be able to eat any of those things after surgery anyway and shouldn't even eat them now. He keeps saying "you can eat that, you're going to have surgery anyway" and today, the motherlode... we're soon going together to a support group meeting and he said "we should take a big old 30piece bucket of KFC, wouldn't that be funny?" and I told him I didn't think it was funny at all. I said that I didn't appreciate the joke & I knew the women there certainly wouldn't appreciate it either. I said that I really needed his serious support in this and that I was asking him to put aside his jokes for this one evening for my sake. In very ugly terms he told me to lighten up and that he has been supporting me during our whole marraige in all my weight loss attempts and that I could just go by myself because he was sick of it. I know he'll come with me, but I want him to see how serious this is to me. Anyone deal with a spouse who just didn't take this WLS seriously? What can I say to him that I haven't already said? Any advice would be helpful.    — Laura B. (posted on October 11, 2000)

October 11, 2000
In response to my own question... am I being oversensitive? P. S. - My husband really is a great guy, he just isn't always sensitive to what others are feeling.
   — Laura B.

October 11, 2000
Wow, Laura. At first I was tempted to tell you to lighten up. I have a sense of humor myself, so I don't know that any of that would offend me. Also, being post op, fried foods just don't appeal to me anymore, so I think I have an advantage in that I'm not trying to change my eating habits - I've already done so. In any case, what concerned me about your post is that when you asked him to cool it, he responded in a very unsupportive manner - and that you described him as a feeder. It sounds as if he may be afraid to lose you when you get thin. Perhaps you need to reassure him you are doing this for your health so you can enjoy many more years with him. If that doesn't work, refusing his goodies and lack of support, finding outside support, and not responding to any of his jokes while reassuring him will do the trick eventually. It may take awhile, but he'll get the picture. Good Luck to you!
   — Allie B.

October 11, 2000
He sounds like he is TERRIFIED of losing all that is familiar. However, I don't think that he has accepted that you have a fatal disease that will take your life if not put into remission and soon. I'm taking it even more seriously than YOU do, in that someone joking about not breathing or having lungs that slam shut and stay shut forever is NOT joking. Diabetics might feel a different way all together. HOwever, joking about what I can or cannot eat after ward is just not funny to me. Like joking about golf or something that is of no interest to me. I'm just not THERE to get it or not. Some of us do not lose fatty foods forever, just 7 pieces of chicken. We don't lose the entire world of tasty food, just milk and sugar. Big deal. We also lose a hundred or more pounds and GAIN our lives and sense of humor. My husband and I joke about having a rough day and needing a banana split. The very thought is HYSTERICAL since we'd soon be down on the floor moaning in agony while gaining wait at a phenomenal rate. There are some things we'd just never do again.
   — vitalady

October 11, 2000
Laura, I'm not married but I understand your feelings. If I had a spouse (or friend or family member) who made those types of comments, I would also be offended and very hurt. Just because he has a sense of humor, that doesn't mean that it's warranted in all situations. It also sounds to me like he uses his humor when feeling anxious, uncertain or insecure about himself. We all have our defense mechanisms. Some people use humor as their's. I agree with the other posts. Fat jokes are unfortunately a big part of our culture, and he still hasn't gotten it yet that obesity is a disease. If you had cancer, would he be making the same kind of jokes? If he really loves you the answer would be no. As for taking him to the meeting, leave it up to him. If he feels he can't take it seriously, then perhaps he should sit this one out. There will be more for him to attend. Provide some information about the health affects on obesity - and in turn, what it will mean for your marriage down the road. And trust me, if he does choose to go with you and make inappropriate remarks, the others in the group will let him know in no uncertain terms that it's not acceptable. In my group, that would NEVER be tolerated - or go unanswered. You might also warn the moderator of the discussion ahead of time that he may say something inappropriate. That way if it happens, he or she can address it. You don't have to be the "bad guy", and he'll hear from someone different than his wife that the remarks are inappropriate. I am not suggesting this as an ambush tactic - I am merely saying that this is supposed to be a "support" group, and those types of jokes are contrary to the purpose of the meeting. Let someone else come to your defense. Fear definitely plays a major role here. He is very afraid of losing you, and humor is a way to deal with it. Control may be another issue - one that you need to give some thought to. Is he obese as well? If so, he may be feeling guilty or insecure about the fact that you are doing something about it and he is not. He may also feel that once you lose the weight that you will be more attractive or attracted to other men. Assure him you love him and that a healthier you will make you both enjoy each other more fully and for a much longer period of time - not to mention the fact that the sex will get much better! :) But some people use our obesity as a means of cotrolling us, so they will sabotage any efforts we make to lose weight. Think about your relationship to determine if this is the case. Don't be afraid of counseling. WLS will bring tremendous (and wonderful) changes, both to you personally and to both of you as a couple. If either or both of you are anxious about it, then talk to someone. Best of luck to you.
   — Paula G.

October 11, 2000
In my opinion it sounds as though he is scared. I know that my husband comes across as not wanting me to have the surgery and I will snap at him. I don't always find his jokes funny either. We have even had a few spats over it. But just this past week we sat down and really talked it out...he is scared! He loves me and doesn't want to lose me. He said he was a nervous wreck during my past surgery and he said that he already feels nervous. But so do I, so I know where he is coming from. Plus your husband might be concerned that not only will you physically change but mentally change...which my husband was the first time around. Just reassure him it will not affect you feelings or your love towards him. Sometimes they need to know that "thick or thin" we will still love and be there for them. Good luck.
   — Pam S.

October 11, 2000
Laurie, it sounds to me like he is trying to manage his own anxiety about it all. Making jokes is a good way to keep your distance from something that is frightening to you. You have let him know how you feel; now just give him some space to get used to it all. He is afraid for you and afraid for the relationship to change. Those are real fears as things will change. But if you have a strong relationship, you will be stronger together for having done this. It is important for you to be clear that nothing is going to stop you from saving your own life in this way. Those who love you will ultimately benefit from it as they will have a healthier you! Good luck. blessings, Ann
   — [Deactivated Member]