Question:
I'm very depressed...

I feel really bad tonite - I'm so fat, I can hardly move around for more than 5 or 10 minutes at a time without my chest hurting and having to gasp for air. I have an appointment to see a surgeon in December about having WLS, but sometimes I've been finding myself dwelling on the ideas that I'm just not going to live long enough to do it. The other day, I was talking to a friend who is disabled. She is on government disability because she's so overweight. The more she spoke, the sadder I got.. I realized that I would be classified as disabled by the government. I don't understand how this happened to me. I look in the mirror and I don't recognize the person staring back at me anymore. I'm afraid all of the time - both afraid of living and of dying. I guess the biggest fear that I have of dying is that I'm so heavy, that there won't be a casket large enough to bury me in or that they won't be able to lift the casket. Sometimes I think that's the only think that keeps me from committing suicide - thinking there won't be a casket large enough. Everyone in my family except for my husband is totally against WLS.... they make up stories about "people I know" who "had the surgery" and try to scare me by saying such and such is in a coma now, or such and such died from it - that surgeon has lost so many patients on the table.. none of which are true. I sometimes wonder if maybe they just don't want me to have the surgery because they can't imagine me any other way than this way. Does anyone else have this problem out of their family? I'm so afraid that time is running out for me. I'm a 29 year old woman, trapped in a body that is so tired from this mountain of fat that it feels like I'm a 100. How do you all get through each day? Tell me how to do it.    — [Anonymous] (posted on October 2, 2000)

October 2, 2000
Im so sorry you are having a hard time. Have you thought of trying to get on some medication for your depression, there are some good drugs now that will make you feel better. I don't know where you live but is there another doctor that could see you before december. If so check it out and get in to another as soon as you can. Telling people about this surgery will make you depressed. Some people don't want any change, it scares them. I didn't tell anyone about mine, and I figured if I died then it was my business and if I lived to tell about it then I could if I wanted to, but I have chosen not to tell simply because I don't want to explan myself and I old enough to do what I think is best for my body. I wish you the best and hope you can find help soon. For me it was the best decision Iv made in a long time. Now Iv made some doozies but this one was a great one. Take care, and post again to see how you're doing.
   — Margaret S.

October 2, 2000
Your post really took me back to how I felt before surgery. I weighed almost 400 lbs and I'd get short of breath just walking from one room to another. I had terrible heart palpatations and was sure every night that I was going to die in my sleep and they'd never be able to get my body down the stairs. I started working at home a few years ago because it was just too difficult for me to get around and find a job. Now I'm six months postop and down almost 100 lbs. I feel like a new person already. This surgery saved my life, there is no doubt in my mind. I know its really hard but you just have to tune out those people who are trying to keep you from changing your life for the better. They don't have to live in your body so they really have no idea what it is like for you. Have you had your health assessed by a doctor? Maybe you should tell your doctor about the chest pains, shortness of breath and the feelings of sadness that you've been having. Many surgeons and insurance companies require psychological clearance before surgery approval so if you truely are depressed your doctor may put you on medication and you'll be more stable by the time you see the surgeon. Try to focus on doing everything you can to get approval for the surgery and getting yourself as healthy as possible before surgery. Your family may think they're being helpful by sharing these stories with you but just smile, nod, thank them for their input but just let what they say go in one ear and out the other. I wouldn't waste my breath trying to argue with them. Your best defense will be the look on their faces when they see you shrinking before their eyes. You have a lot of courage to pursue the surgery even though your family doesn't approve. Give your husband an extra kiss for being supportive! Spending time reading the positive posts from this site will help you get through the waiting. There's alot of support here. Good luck to you.
   — Kellie L.

October 2, 2000
Dear Depressed: Please call me or e-mail me right away. I need some specifics about you, and I need to make you understand that all is not hopeless. HDMatthias, M.D. [email protected] 601-856-7074 leave a message with my answering service and I'll call you.
   — Heddy-Dale M.

October 2, 2000
Your post made me so sad to read, because I felt so much like you before my surgery. I was very alone, unsure if I had made the right decision, and did not have any support for having this surgery at all. My family was against it, I am a single mom, and I needed their help. My mom and I recently talked about this, why she did not support me, and her being the one who pushed me hardest to lose weight before, and she told me because she was afraid I would die. Plain and simple. I now weigh less than her and I am about 5 inches taller. It was a big step I took and I took it on my own and it turns out to be the very BESTEST choice I could have made for myself. And she sees this now and completely supports me and applaudes that I was able to make that choice to go forward without anyone telling me I was doing the right thing. Don't listen to them if you don't want to. You don't have to. You are the one who can make your choices for you. They love you and are afraid for you probably. Do what is right for you, hon, and hang in there.
   — Beth B.

October 2, 2000
Dear One, Please know that first of all you are not alone. Being fat is not a crime or a lack of character. It is a condition that can be corrected. There is hope, and there are people out there who can help you. Please see a doctor about your depression immediately. We have been where you are, and we understand. One of the hardest things to do about WLS is to put aside the judgements of others and focus on yourself. The two hardest conversations that I have had were telling my husband and my mother "This surgery is not about YOU, it is not for YOU. This is about ME. This is for ME." You are more than your body size, you are more than your appearance. Do this for yourself; get medical treatment for your depression, and get educated. Please e-mail me anytime, I will always respond. God Bless,
   — Cara S.

October 2, 2000
HEY DONT LISTEN TO THEM THEY DONT KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE EVERY DAY FOR YOU /US. ITS A BITCH JUST TO GET UP SOME DAYS LET ALONE ANYTHING ELSE ANDTHE SUCCESS RATE FOR WLS IS WAY HIGHER THAN MORTALITY RATE .SO DONT LET THEM SCARE YOU , THEY R JUST AFRAID OF CHANGE.ESPECIALLY CHANGE FOR THE BETTER. [email protected] FEEL FREE TO DROP ME A LINE ANYTIME
   — katherine G.

October 3, 2000
While my first instinct with Negative Nellies to just to slap them upside the head, I have to remember that they're scared, too. The people who simultaneously profess to love us while filling our head with surgical horror stories are just reacting to their own fear -- fear of losing you, fear of you becoming a different person, fear of loss of control over you. It's a sad fact, but a true one, that there are MANY people in our lives who have a vested interest in keeping us fat. The important thing to remember is that is THEIR problem, not yours. If you have decided to go forward with the surgery, that's all they need to know, and they can support it or not as they wish -- but you must ask them to keep their negativity to themselves. They can be scared and worried -- you're scared and worried too -- but they can't be telling you crap that makes you nuts. This is a decision that you must, and you will, make for yourself. I hear ya ... we all hear ya ... because we've all been there. The best thing I can tell you is something I learned a long time ago in Overeaters Anonymous -- "what other people think of me is none of my business". Let them think what they want, but you must DO what you want, and if you are convinced the surgery is for you, go forward without fear to embrace your new life. Good thoughts are with you always...
   — Cheryl Denomy

October 3, 2000
Honey, hang in there. It will get better. I was so depressed before surgery too. I did not have people trying to talk me out of it like you. The reason is cuz several family members had the wls also. Dont let anyone try to talk you out of this if this is what you want. I am also 29 years old with three kids and I am so glad I did this. It has been great. The things I can do now that I could not do before with my kids. Keep your appt with the surgeon and draw strength from your husband. Keep him informed of what is going on and he will always be there for you. Here is a big hug for you ((((((HUG)))))))
   — Lee Ann B.