Question:
People can be so ignorant...
Friends, My husband receive the following email from his ex-girlfriend last night, regarding me having surgery. I want to write her back, of course, but I'm turning to you guys to help me say the perfect things. Any ideas on what to say to her would be appreciated. "Some old HS friend sent me a link to this site randomly. Guess they found a journal that Kristy made while she underwent surgery. Tell her congratulations on her weight loss. I don't know how I feel about the surgery - part of me feels like it's definitely an easy way out. I wake up and go to the gym at 5:30am at least 4 times a week to lose weight - and she gets surgery and quickly sheds the pounds. I'm sure it took a mental toll on her, and it wasn't all easy work, but I'm sure it accelerated the process 1000%. Sorry, just my opinion. I know my opinion doesn't matter to you, but I felt I just had to address it. But in the long run, Kristy will be happier and healthier I'm sure. And that's all that really matters." ~Kristy (lap RNY 9/18/03 - 332/166) — kristynush (posted on May 31, 2005)
May 31, 2005
First of all - why in the world does an "Ex" girlfriend need to
be e-mailing your husband...tht would not fly in my house. Especially with
the "backhanded" compliments and "innocent" questions
and the false happiness for you. She is plain and simple jealous. This is
not the easy way out - that irks the heck out of me whenever I hear anyone
say that. Does she throw up on sugar?? NO?! If she tries to eat
something and forgets to chew it enough times - does it get stuck - causing
her pain and vomitting?? NO?! HUH...do most people who have this surgery
have to get up early to exercise?? YES!!! I know I do! Have we chosen a
lifelong commitment to staying healthy - taking vitamins - getting
bloodwork done - periodical Dr. appointments? YES! NO - in no way shape
or form is this the easy way out!!!!! I don't think I would waste my time
responding to her except to tell her that her opinions don't matter to me
and or MY HUSBAND. And that she should keep them to herself.
Those are my thoughts on the subject!! And you are right - some people can
be very ignorant about this surgery. But it is a personal decision -
generally made for health purposes. You don't have to validate it to
anyone!!!
Mary
— Mary777
May 31, 2005
Kristy,
It truely sounds like she is just jealous. She wants a reaction from you.
If you want to satisfy her need then reply. Otherwise just let it go. You
cannot change the way she feels but you can change the way you feel and
react to her. Your energy is better served on you and your husbands lives
not on her. btw why is she emailing YOUR husband? That would be one address
I would be banning. (that is unless there are children involved) Dont let
her get the satisfaction of a reaction!
— jenafwife
May 31, 2005
I too, would want to know WHY his ex would be emailing him. And I too,
think she is jealous.
But tell her if she thinks it the "Easy way out", to email me....
Let me tell her just how d@mn easy it was for me!
— Donna A.
May 31, 2005
KRISTY, WHY DON'T YOU GIVE US HER EMAIL ADDRESS AND WE'LL
TAKE GOOD CARE OF STUPID OPINIONS! HA! LOL :)
YOU TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND REMEMBER, SHE IS HIS EX AND YOU ARE HIS
WIFE.... YOU GOT THE LAST LAUGH ON HER.
— LYNNM
May 31, 2005
Unless there are children involved she doesn't need to be contacting your
family at all. In doing so, all it says about her is that a)she still
wants him and is trying to make herself look better than you in his eyes,
or b)she is just an evil wench who's life is so unfulfilled that she must
take down others in order to bring her up.<br><br>For either of
those reasons for her sending the email, I feel YOU do not need to respond.
Your husband needs to send an email that simply states that he did not
seek her opinion and that he would not like to hear any more opinions on
any subject in the future. She will realize that her emails and opinions
are not welcome and hopefully she will go away. Take the high road Kristy.
— RebeccaP
May 31, 2005
Sorry to say but why in the heck is you Husbands Ex writing Him. I would
first put a stop to that ASAP. Anyways she sounds like a WITCH with a
capital "B". If I were you I would kill her with kindness. For
example: Thank you so much for your support and kind words. I really
appritiate it all. And I am sure that ALL your hard work at the Gym will
impress SOME people. But I get support from EVERYONE I meet. I mean to go
to the gym EVERYBODY does that. But only a very select Wonderful Few can
have surgery. You have to be mentaly stable and wise and of course
amazingly stong and have a great supportive, wonderful, handsome Husband
like mine. But to go to the gym well, any idiot can write there name on the
membership paper. Good luck in your LONG LIFE strugle in the Gym. Have a
wonderful life.
That is more or less what I would write. I am kind of meen and dirty I like
to hit where it hurts the worst. And after I wrote the letter/E-mail I
would block the Address. And then I would go after my husband (he would be
in big trouble). Oh and I would tell her to stay away from him and not
contact him. Or if kids are involved then I would tell them both to keep
the conversations on the kids and nothing else it is none of her
business!!!!!! Good luck sweety and I hope this helps you.
— Amanda A.
May 31, 2005
Personally, I would NOT write her back as her opinion has less than no
importance and she's weird anyway to take it upon herself to write your dh.
Who the heck is she anyway to even think she has the right to express an
opinion? Sheesh! Some people. Anywho, if he was to respond, he could say
something like "Dear Ex: It is true that your opinion does not matter
and it does seem very odd that you felt you "had to address" this
matter. However, since you're obviously interested for some reason, but
uninformed, here are the facts. For some people, it's not the EASY way,
it's the ONLY way. The surgery just provides a level playing field so that
weight loss is possible for the first time. I will pass your
congratulations on to my extremely beautiful wife, who, by the way, was way
sexier at her highest weight on her worst day than you could ever hope to
be." ;-)
— mom2jtx3
May 31, 2005
Honey do not even respond to her she is obviously still hung up on your
husband!!! Or if you really feel you need to, then kill her with kindness
and thank her for her nice thoughts and tell her how much your husband
loves it and how much you turn him on and he cant keep his hands off of
you...lol, you know something along those lines. Good luck hun and don't
let her get to you!! Congratulations by the way!!!
— Franca
May 31, 2005
Kristy, I know how all the ignorance goes and i know that people think it
was the easy way out, we of course know better!!!!!!!!!!! I would email her
back and tell her that she should try one day waking up and not being able
to eat, or cheat on a diet. That the pain of eating more than the ounce of
food, or the throwing up is so much fun, that living on mushy soft food for
months was great. That one day you wake up and are no longer able to eat
like a normal human being. But that you are glad you did it and would do it
again, and that you feel absolutley marvelous in your new
skin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That as long as she hasnt done it she can
never say that it is the easy way out, oh and tell her "by the way
mind your own damn business, your just jealous cause your still fat!! Just
kidding you can leave out that last part if you want, it just gets me so
mad that people are so ignorant and who wants her opinion anyways. I know
that is all I would say to her, but my question to you is why the heck is
his ex-girlfriend emailing him anyhow, hhmmmmm, I would be be wondering
that anyways. Well good luck on your note back to her.
— kaligirl1993
May 31, 2005
I agree with everyone on why is she writing to your husband part! However,
if he is sharing it with you, then you have nothing to worry about on his
part. My opinion...as much as you want to say something...don't. It will
kill her wondering what you/your husband has to say. She doesn't deserve
an response! (It's not about not sticking up for yourself...she simply
does NOT deserve a response. You owe her NO explaination whatsoever!)
— Courtney Durham
May 31, 2005
I would be wondering how she has your husband's email address and why is he
getting emails from an ex??? You can't change what people are going to
think, and they are entitled to their oppinion, but you can change who your
husband talks to.
— Gina T.
May 31, 2005
I think she is looking for a reaction, I wouldn't give it to her, I would
let her husband give it to her. Have him reply and agree - Something like
the following:
Thank you so much for your concern and you are definately right...God has
given Kristy a second lease on life which will help us lead a long healthy
life together!
Just my opinion...God doesn't want us to waste our precious time worrying
about this and that. He has a plan for us all and this surgery was part of
His plan for you...
Dave
— David B.
May 31, 2005
Kristy, be strong! This e-mail was written by someone who does not know the
pain of morbid obesity. Also, change is strange, and some people find our
success threatening. Your husband may be a little uneasy, but don't worry.
The people who matter most to you will adjust to your success, and the
people who don't matter will become less important. Remember, opinions are
subjective, and YOUR opinion matters MOST. I am proud of you for your
success. Keep focused on how much better you feel emotionally and
physically. That is truly what counts! Fondly,Pam
— pjwilsen
May 31, 2005
***ORIGINAL POSTER*** Thank you all for your comments. To answer eveyone's
question about why is she emailing him, she is a psycho. That's all there
is to it. My husband is a medical student, so his email address is public
record. Anyone can find it by typing his name into any search engine.
There are no kids involved... in fact, they've been split up for almost 10
years (they were high school sweethearts). She just can't let go. Every
few months or so, she'll email him to say hi or to see what's going on. He
never responds to her, as he hates this girl. Anyway, the funny thing
about her "opinion" is that she is extremely morbidly obese
herself, and I believe that she happened upon my profile by looking at this
site because she wants to have the surgery. I don't believe for one second
that "some HS friend" sent her a link to my profile.
Interesting, huh? I am not going to do anything, but my husband has told
me that he is going to email her an earful (or eyefull, I guess) and that
he will also tell her once and for all to leave him alone and will block
her address. After all these years, she's still jealous that I have him
and she's alone. Sad!
— kristynush
May 31, 2005
Kristy,
First of all, I have alot of ex's that I am still friends with, so if your
husband keeps contact with an ex it's okay, he's not hiding it from you and
obviously there is some jealousy that exist from her because you have your
husband and she doesn't. She is not worth getting worked up over and you
can be the bigger person by not responding. There is more between the
lines in that email to your husband and if your husband chooses to respond
let him but don't allow someone who is no longer competition to drive a
wedge in your relationship. That's her intent and if you do respond she's
won, because she got your goat.
Good Luck with your journey and your future.
Denise
— dlryanoates
May 31, 2005
I would just delete the email and not respond at all. She just needs
attention and the best way to annoy her is to INGORE her.
— SJP
May 31, 2005
Kristy, don't be like her and say things to get even. If you feel you must
respond to her, congratulate her on her dedication to the gym and that it
was nice hearing from her after all these years. Tell her you appreciate
the words of encouragment she gave to you and your family, and you hope she
will one day know the love of a wonderful man how is supportive no matter
what. The good book says a kind word turnth away wrath. You don't need the
burder of being sorry for words you will regret later.
— Patricia C.
June 1, 2005
Hi Kristy,
After reading your "response to the responses", I think you are
doing the right thing by not responding to her. Say a prayer for her, that
she might find the right answer for herself. As for your husband, I think
it's a good idea just to block her from his email list and hopefully that
will be that!! My surgery is next Tuesday, June 7th and I'm very excited.
Hope all went well with yours. We all have to make our own decisions.
Have a wonderful life,
Margaret V.
— Teragram
June 1, 2005
i would ignore your husbands ex. why do you think she is an ex? he chose
you because you were where he wanted to be. just keep breating, and know
that you are confident in yourself. you don't really need her approval, do
you?
— barbara H.
June 1, 2005
Hon, do not worry about her opinion! I can tell you one thing, for some of
us it is "not a quick fix" and that we were just too lazy to do
the hard work of eating right, exercising and dieting! Most surgeons and
insurance companies WILL NOT do the surgery unless you have proven you have
exhausted all other means of losing weight. I feel these people can be very
ignorant and should do some investigating and researching on the internet
before voicing their opinions about something they do not know nor
understand.
Hugs!
— Angelfirewithwings
June 1, 2005
Gosh, this train of thought the "ex" has is so familiar and
widespread. DO NOT ANSWER her or react except to ignore her. She obviously
wants to impress your husband with her judgment of your decision and must
resent the fact that you had a success and she had a failure. This is a
little high schoolish. I have ex's who e-mail from time to time, with no
worrries about threatening my present relationship, so THAT part should not
bother you (then again, it is your husband's reaction to her that counts)as
you have the "upper hand" and YOU have the man she lost. She is
jealous and mean. Many folks take that stance when the green eyed monster
rears it's ugly head. Ignore her Ignore her Ignore her and YOU WIN!!! Best
of luck on your journey... Kathy in MA
— Kathy A C.
June 1, 2005
I agree with the general consensus -IGNORE THE IGNORANT. Obviously she is
showing extreme jealousy and she is resentful because she obviously sees
that you have a good relationship with her former husband!! Just remember,
her opinion is like her butt, everybody's got one and they all STINK!!
Hang in there and congratulations!
— Paperlady *.
June 1, 2005
Pay no attention to this ignorant person, because it sounds like simple
jealousy to me. Apparently, she has no idea how hard it is just to come to
the realization that you need help. I'm sure you probably went back and
forth like I did, but you must do what is BEST for you. My surgery is
tomorrow at 12:30p.m., so keep your head up and keep on keeping on. I wish
you well and many blessings to you and your family. This has been 6 yrs. in
the making, waiting to be free from my own body. I'm ready to enjoy a
health life.
Love & Light,
Mattie
— mrscarr76
June 1, 2005
Dear Kristy:
1) I agree - do NOT give her ANY attention! Ignore her, put a spamblocker
on her ermail address so you son't get anything else from her.
2) Encourage your husband not to respond to her either; simply but a
spamblocker on her email address so he won't be bothered by her either.
She's courting each of you in her "dance of anger" and any
response feeds her sense of being in a relationship with you!
Lovingly,
Lauralyn
— EmbodySuccess
June 1, 2005
Dear Kristy:
1) I agree - do NOT give her ANY attention! Ignore her, put a spamblocker
on her ermail address so you son't get anything else from her.
2) Encourage your husband not to respond to her either; simply but a
spamblocker on her email address so he won't be bothered by her either.
She's courting each of you in her "dance of anger" and any
response feeds her sense of being in a relationship with you!
Lovingly,
Lauralyn
— EmbodySuccess
June 1, 2005
I usually don't post on these types of things, but looks like you need lots
of back up. I agree with the others that this does not merit attention from
either of you. It so clearly says, "I am SO superior to your lazy fat
wife because I WORK at my figure and she got hers free." I
mean.......? PLEASE. Like this was easy? And staying on program, drinking
your water, measuring your portions, your vites, surviving the crazy
surgery and anesthesia (not to mention months of mental torment thru the
insurance games) and YOU are the inferior party? I think not. It also
appears your husband chose you, extra weight or not. Take the higher road
and just say to yourself, "So, it would be better to take the hard
way? the way that doesn't work?" And remind yourself that you are the
better person here.
— vitalady
June 2, 2005
Some critical thinking would show you that she deserves no reply
whatsoever.!!!!
— heidi C.
June 3, 2005
While I agree with the majority of most posters that the best option is
just to ignore her, if you decided you wanted to write her back, you might
want to point her to this website or other general information on weight
loss surgery.
It sounds like this woman is maybe struggling with her own weight and
immaturely reaching out for info...
Good luck,
Sid
— mrsidknee
June 3, 2005
Hi Kristy, well for sure this person is jealous. I wouldn't doubt it's not
about the weight loss surgery, it's just about you in general. She
probably has always been jealous, and just used to surgery as a reason to
e-mail and make her mean comments. She probably would have used any excuse
to e-mail your husband and make nasty comments, this just happen to be it
for now.
I would ignore it, and if you really have to make a comment, let your
husband do it. The e-mail was to him, so he should be the one to reply.
Let him tell this woman, that he loves you very much, and is thrilled that
you are happier, healthier, and more confident, no matter how you got
there. He should let her know right away that he is not interested in
recieving e-mails from her whatsoever, and that her rude comments won't be
tolerated.
Don't let her jealousy make you angry, be proud of your accomplishment!
Good luck to you!!
— Carey N.
June 3, 2005
A lot of people here have suggested to ignore her and that is great advice.
However, you stated that she is also morbidly obese as well. Maybe you
might want to congratulate her on her dedication to working out and educate
her on what gastric bypass is and what it does. Let her know that it is not
the "easy way out" but that it is a tool that often means the
difference between success and failure in many people who are dieting and
working out. Maybe encourage her to look into the surgery and learn more
before she makes a judgement about it. Offer to help her with any
questions.
Basically I would handle it as if you were an adult handling a confused and
unhappy child because, in essence, that is what is going on here. She
sounds lonely and unhappy. If she could truly shed all her weight it might
help her self esteem enough that she no longer feels it neccessary to pine
for your husband.
Good luck.
Lynda D.
— Lynda D.
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