Question:
Anyone experiencing familial alienation after weight loss?

Recently traveled with my extended family (not always a good idea in the best of circumstances, I know). They were nasty, rude and petty and barely commented on an 80lb. weight loss over the last six months. Two sisters that obviously used to only feign love and support from afar became downright intolerant, mean and disrespectful in person. We haven't spoken since the trip (3 weeks ago) and it seems they are adding fuel to each others fire by actually fabricating information to keep their comraderie stoked (now that they are newly united in their quest to put me down - my mother is telling me some of the things they have said in a misguided attempt to help). By the way, these are two women who spent the last 38 years bad-mouthing each other behind their own backs to me, I know I should not mourn the loss of this "type" of person, but I thought they loved me unconditionally, I thought we all did, and I thought that despite all their poor choices and actions over the years they were innately good people. I am so heartbroken I can barely function. I have been hurt and dissillusioned and now feel so alone. (I do have an incredible husband and three great kids, I know I am blessed) but they were the back bone of a now known dissapointingly unstable "female" support system I thought I had, and now I have to admit who they really are, and it just hurts so bad. I don't even know what the question is anymore, I guess I want to know who has had similar experiences, and how they deal with the dissapointment. I have been going through the motions of day to day life with my family, but my heart is heavy, there's a constant lump in my throat and I need help dealing. Thanks.    — Susan R. (posted on June 30, 2004)

June 30, 2004
I know we are just a distant voice but we are here for you. I too have had this experience. My sister is very jealous. So much so that she is just mean, she is making stuff up at this point. She went so far as to tell the whole neighborhood that no one I work with likes me. I know this is not true because I work with great people. Now, I don't bother with her. I told her maybe someday when she grew up (she is ten years older then me) we could be friends again. I was hoping for encouragement from my family, and I have not gotten it. They never ask how I am doing or how much weight loss I have had. So, I have my support group once a month and I have made friends in my water arobics class. I know losing a loved one to what seems like multiple personality problems, and it is a real loss, is hard. The best thing to do is branch out, make new friends and build a stable support structure. By the way, if they were talking about each other behind their backs, its was only a matter of time till they got around to talking about you. That is one sure sign that you cannot build a strong, trusting relationship with this person. They are hard to find, but good, honest, trustworthy people are out there.
   — Peggy Boyd

June 30, 2004
Families. We don't get to choose them, do we? There is so many levels of good and bad with families that it is just too complicated (even when you fully see what is happening) to really fix anything. As I carefully progress and am now the thinnest in my extended family, I receive compliments based solely on how I look but no questions about how I am doing. This just emphasizes the whole aspect of outward appearance - not health! My sister, who is very MO too, just seems to eat more when I am at a gathering due to other people's HORRIBLY misguided questions about WLS and whether she is going to have it done too. People can be very stupid and mean - and some people can be very stupid and not mean. What can I or anyone else say? That backbiting is insidious. Quite frankly, you cannot change your sisters' behavior (I have 2 and KNOW this). You can either listen and let it run off you (this does not work for me most days) OR tell people to stop their BS. And I mean, use the full effect language, ok? OR if your mom continues with the "well meaning" information, make her STOP and stop now. She knows perfectly well (if she is honest with herself) that this method ONLY results in more hurt feelings. You can imagine what these silly women are sniping about behind your back ~ you don't have to know the details. When your mom tries, change the subject. If she continues, you may have to be more direct. Will this be comfortable? Probably not. OR you may just not want to be around them much. This is pretty passive, but I must say, I use this method quite a bit too! Best of luck to you. I feel your pain.
   — Jodie P.

June 30, 2004
when people gossip and say rude things about other people to us, it should not be a surprise that they will talk about us in the same manner. weather or not you do well with your wls isn't up to anyone else but you. rise above them. no one can bring you down if you don't let them. you knew what kind of people they were even if it's hard to admit because you care about them. this time it was about your wls, next time it will be about something else. sometimes when people feel comfortable with others(meaning their family) they feel like they can say ANYTHING to them even if it is wrong and hurtful. if you want them in your life you need to put your foot down and TELL them to knock it off. if they don't then you need to decide how important they really are and what you think they can contribute to your life.
   — franbvan

June 30, 2004
Hon, the only person's behavior that you can control is your own. I went home after not seeing my family for 3 years and got a rather mixed reaction from my family recently. While they weren't overtly mean when they saw me it wasn't what I expected. My sister burst into tears. She blamed it on hormones, but I could tell it bothered her because her husband was reassuring her all day that he loved her and she was beautiful. Just concentrate on being the best you can be, don't lead the deadheads get you down and just enjoy life. Lord knows we've all had our share of problems, so it's time to enjoy life!
   — Cathy S.

June 30, 2004
Hi, i feel for you. I have a sister in law I've known and loved for many years. I have always been heavy, just different degrees of heavy. She has lost and gained tons of weight over the years and always said she wanted me to be my best and lose weight. I told her about the surgery about 2 months after I had it because someone she knew had a lot of trouble with it. After she got use to the idea she was interested and supportive. We flew just to visit her on our last vacation in May. I have lost 121 pounds, down fron 294 which was what i weighed 2 years ago when she last saw me.The reaction I got at the airport? You look good. Pretty much the end of any comments by her during a 6 day stay. She did say she told the lady she works with that I eat a lot more then she thought I would be able to( I was 10 months out).I was a little hurt, she was always "helping me'by comments she made and info on programs or diets to try. She now weighs 275 she says but looks much heavier. But you know what, I've really thought this out and I know this woman loves me with all her heart. It's just that I have done something she will probably never do and we arent the buddies in fat anymore. I understand, I might have felt the same way as much as I love her, its highly likely! Just hang in there, they will adjust and so will you. Every slot they put you in has shifted,when other people they are close to have changed for the better and they dont think they have, it shakes their world a bit.Give it time and stay a loving person to them and you will all be just fine.
   — Shelley M.

June 30, 2004
I have to chime in here- My best friend has a daughter I used to baby-sit known her since she was a baby- not too long ago she baby-sat for my (then ) 4 yr-old daughter and did some wrong things in my house. I called my "best friend" and told her what had happened- she completely denied - told me it wasn't possibly her daughter- and has not spoken to me since- she also makes a point about writing to me though about how she is doing her weight-loss the "natural" way" or if she is having a gain, she writes to say she doesn't have to lose weight- mind you she is well over 300 lbs!! My point iss that betrayals happen and the disappointment bruises, but we are strong, capable women who can do what we need to do- mourn the friendship htta existed only on your side, and find yourself some real friends- they're out here!
   — jomu

June 30, 2004
I actually felt the need to distance myself from toxic people. In my life that has only been one person, my sister. I admit that is hard for me to do. She is my only sister. I love her kids, but I feel I'm going through enough already and having to deal with her jealousy and backbiting just adds to my stress. It's the changes that are happening. Hard to believe, but your getting thinner is changing the way they view your relationship and they don't like it. I would never tell anyone to stop talking to their siblings. You have to decide for yourself what you can do. If you can ignore it and chalk it up to what it is, insecurity on their parts and possibly some jealousy then that's good and you can continue the relationship, but I honestly think if it causes you concern and stress, its best to walk away at least for a while and give them time to get used to the new you.
   — Lisa N M.

June 30, 2004
Susan: I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I understand how much it must hurt you. Relationship changes always hurt so much more when it's family, because, as you said, we've come to believe the love is unconditional. Your sisters' jealousy is consuming them right now - it really is a horrible, green-eyed monster, isn't it? Their reaction to your 80-lb loss shows that they're unable to "handle" it right now. But the ball is in their court at this point. If amends are ever to be made, it's them who need to make the effort. And I agree with other posters, don't allow your mother to make the situation worse for you by "filling you in." Time will heal this, Susan. If it seems to be taking too long, try to talk to someone, maybe a counselor, or another trusted friend. And please don't hesitate to let us know how things are going for you. This site is for support, so please come back whenever you need to. Best wishes.
   — Carlita