Question:
Seeking Others With "Image vs. Reality" Issues
I have been heavier than "normal" for as long as I can remember. I was teased in high school and called a "fat girl." Over the last few years, my weight has just steadily gone up. I am now a 23 year old pre-op, standing 5'8" tall and weighing in at 310 lbs, give or take a couple. It seems like I have been this huge and miserable forever. I think that I forgot what it was like to be just "overweight" instead of "mordibly obese." I was cleaning out my spare room over the weekend and found an old picture of myself. It was from when I had joined TOPS the first time. I was amazed at how I looked. I weighed about 175 pounds in the picture and looked great! Yet, at the time, I was convinced that I was so fat and had just joined TOPS to lose weight! That was just five short years ago. Now, I am angry with myself and confused on how I could have let myself get so much bigger in just five years. How could I have believed back then that I was fat? I looked very healthy (and happy, for that matter)! I was wondering if anyone else had experienced something similar. I feel now like I've been hiding behind my weight and that I made myself believe that I have been this weight forever. I can't wait to have my lap rny, which should be done during the first week of September as long as my pre-op tests on Aug. 1st go okay. I am hoping to get to my goal weight of 160 and wear a size 10. Does anyone with similar body type/weight/height think that is possible? I am also hoping to reduce the problem of skin sagging as much as possible with tons of water, regular exercise, and firming lotions. Any thoughts? People have told me previously that the skin problem has a lot to do with how long you've been MO. I just thought I'd put this issue out there and see if anyone else feels the same way I do. — kristynush (posted on July 21, 2003)
July 21, 2003
Hi Kristy, all the things you said in your question are true for me also --
you are not alone! I am 29, 5'10" and about 348 or so. Don't spend
time being angry with yourself for "letting" yourself get to the
weight you are at. We are conditioned to hate ourselves and to blame
ourselves, but it's pointless. We all got to where we were for different
reasons, but the only thing that really matters now is that it happened and
we're ready to do something about it. When I moved to the town I'm in now
2 years ago, I went and got a new driver's license. When I held the
pictures of my old and new license together, my face had doubled in size.
I was horrified. Then, like you, I later found a picture of me and my
husband on a camping trip about 1 year after we met. I was probably about
220 or 230 then, and even at that weight I looked at that picture and
thought how good I looked compared to now. I was WISHING I could be 220
again. It's hard to stop being mad at ourselves, because we've spent a
lifetime doing it, but try to just think about the future. As far as skin
is concerned, everyone is different regarding whether or not they have
loose skin, but you do have your young age going for you. For me that
issue is in the future. I don't really want to go through the pain of
plastic surgery because I'm a wuss, but I've decided to leave it as a
wait-and-see basis. Some loose skin I don't think will bother me at this
point, I just want to have some energy to do something other than sit on
the couch like a slug. Some new boobs would be nice though! :) Good luck,
and I bet I'm not the only one who responds to your question to tell you
they feel the same things you are feeling!
— beeda
July 21, 2003
I never felt like as much of a failure as I did AFTER I decided on surgery.
I also never felt fatter or more aches and pains. I think that when we
decide to have this surgery we are facing the reality that we are MORBIDLY
OBESE and those are some ugly words early on. I see it as more of a
condition now than a character defect. I have always thought I was fat and
that is where the whole "disorder" thing comes into play. I have
pictures of me at 140 before kids and I can guarentee you that I felt just
as lothing of my body then as I did at 277. Sad but true. I have begun to
accept my body now as I never have before. I am healthier and proud of
myself. I have 30 pounds still to lose but I feel thinner than I ever have.
It has always been in my head but as the years passed it was also creeping
up on my gut. Oh well, don't beat yourself up, I think that what you are
going through is very normal and will help keep you on track as you embark
on a most amazing journey. Good Luck!
— Carol S.
July 21, 2003
Kristy,
I too had the same "image of myself. I was always heavy and at 21 went
on a Dr. supervised diet and within 1 year went from 265 size 20 to 135
size 6 and still at size 6 saw that fat person stearing back at me in the
mirror all the time. I thought I was still so fat and loathed my body just
as much as when I was 265. Now after a child 4.5 years ago I was back up to
277. Just before my surgery I found pics of myself at about 145 and thought
to myself-How could I ever think I was fat then?? I actually looked TOO
skinny-sickly actually. I vowed to myself never to have that
"Image" again. Now 2 months out down 44 lbs to 233 size 16 and
feeling better than ever about myself. Open RNY 5-12-03.
— Jackie S.
July 21, 2003
Soooo true! I look at old pictures of myself and think,"Wow, I looked
pretty good, and I thought I was so fat!" And the last few months
before my surgery were MISERABLE! I finally realized that I had been in a
major state of denial about my weight and my health and my life; I mean,
you have to be in denial to keep getting out of bed every day when you
weigh close to 400 pounds. When I decided to have WLS surgery, I had to
give up denial and admit that I had a serious problem, and it was a very
painful process. Like the original poster, I felt so angry at myself for
letting it get so bad, and every ache, pain, and indignity of being MO (and
we all know how that goes, don't we!) seemed ten times worse than it had
before. The GOOD news is, soon after surgery, I started feeling much
better about myself, and I experienced a new and WONDERFUL feeling: hope!
I had thought I was doomed to live a miserable life as a fat, fat woman,
but now my future has never looked brighter. I'm 13 weeks out, I've lost
70 pounds, and it's only going to get better from here. So hang in there,
what you're feeling is normal and okay. You're taking a big step towards a
better life, and I wish you all the luck in the world!
— Maggie T.
July 21, 2003
That is very realistic! I am also 5'8" just about 5'9", my start
out weight was 268 and a size 24. I am a "little" LOL older than
you I am 32. I also had lap rny. My original goal was 160 pounds and I
wanted to wear a size 16, in my wildest dreams a 14. Well within 6 months
I passed by my goal and was wearing a 4. I never even thought my skeleton
could fit into below a 10. I did have a TT, however, I also had four
children. I had less than two pounds of skin removed but it got rid of all
of the stretch marks from kids and firmed up my tummy. I have a lot of
information in my profile check it out. The after picture in my profile is
from before my TT so you can see that I never really had any skin issues.
— Linda A.
July 21, 2003
I remember this feeling all to well in the past also, when I was in my
twenties. I had starved and been on a 900 calorie diet and was skinny
(126lbs) for 2 yrs and then I couldn't take not eating anymore. When I
gained weight afterwards, it jumped on me fast and furious. I didn't know
what to do (excercise and limiting portions didn't work at all.) As I kept
gaining, I was disgusted and very upset with myself, but I knew I was
trying to lose and KEPT GAINING INSTEAD!!! I remember splitting the pants
of my 14 pants, and even laying my 14's out on the bed and thinking how
huge they were. Now I am in 30-32 pants. I would love to be a 14 now. I've
thought about this periodically since then, and thought we're never really
happy with what size we are. Even though I'm the biggest in my life, I am
happier with me and know I am not just a Size. I am tired of societys game
to beat ourselves up, and blame ALL of our weight problems on ourselves.If
it was so easy to lose wt, we'd ALL be thin and healthy now. You are lucky
to want to do this in your youth. You will be healthier and you will
probably not have a problem with sagging skin. Good Luck!! Becky
— bufordslipstick
July 22, 2003
Kristy,
You goal is so possible ! , I started almost at the same weight/ height,
started at 305 pounds height of 5'10, how-ever I've lost an inch some-where
with all the weight loss, I'm 14 months out and am downto 171 pounds, my
goal too is like yours 160 pounds and wearing a size 10 pants, I'm
currently wearing a size 12, so "YES" your goal is so possible..
Just remember go out buy your hand weights and anklke weight so when you're
sitting either reading or watching tv , move your body... also keep it in
motion.....I call it fidgeting !
Best of luck and success to you !
— tannedtigress
July 22, 2003
Kristy-
I am 5'7", 280 lbs. and 24 years old. I just completed my final
pre-op testing at the hospital last Friday and am having my lap rny on the
morning of August 1st. I am so excited! I have never lost more than
30lbs. in my life! I found it extremely comforting that you were thinking
the same thing as I did just this last week. I have been keeping a journal
with all of my "thin" pics. (180-200lbs since the 6th grade) and
"fat" pics. I know that I have somewhat of a distorted body
image. I like fashionable things, etc. and don't see those extra lbs.
coming (damn fat cells!) I DO know that my surgeon, doctor and MANY
post-ops in my support group through the hospital wish they did this sooner
(avg. age in the group is 45-55 years old). From what I've been told, your
goal IS POSSIBLE! In fact, I am looking to be healthy, but have been told
that I will be around 140-160lbs. post-op. Who knows. It is better than
where I am at now, that's for sure. I want my new life to start. I am a
very active person (sports, socially, etc.) and believe that, as you have
stated, through diet and exercise, the skin will retract. That is what
youth owes us. It is possible. Please let me know how you are doing and
if you hear anything else regarding this matter!
Kristin
— Kristin K.
July 22, 2003
Kristy, I think a lot of us can identify with you. I've always, always
been overweight. I remember feeling very fat during high school, but when
I got over 300 pounds in my thirties, I really felt miserable and wished I
could be ONLY as fat as I was back then! I probably weighed around 200
then, and I'm about your height. Now I look at those pics and don't think
I looked so bad at all. (And to be honest, there's a lot more obesity
among kids nowadays, I don't think I would stick out as much now as I did
then.)
I wish I had done this sooner, when I was younger, and before I let things
get to the point they did and I wish I had truly been able to enjoy my
youth. But then on the other hand, the operations they were doing back
then weren't as good as what they're doing now, and insurance probably
never would have covered it so I guess everything happens when it does for
a reason.
I still have weird issues with my own body perception. I've always been
able to look in the mirror and think "I don't look THAT bad, I carry
it off ok". For some reason mirrors fool me, but pictures don't.
They were always a shocking wake up call.
I find I have a hard time judging how big I am now. If I see another
overweight person I can't tell if I'm bigger than them or smaller than
them, unless the difference is tremendous. Everyone usually says that they
still see a fat person staring at them from the mirror but I sometimes have
the opposite experience. I'll think that I'm looking rather thin, and then
have to remind myself that I'm still a good 60 pounds overweight! But
compared to where I started at 359, I guess I am skinny, LOL. I can enjoy
being this weight so much more than when I was this weight before on my way
UP.
— sandsonik
July 23, 2003
Hi! Take a look at my profile. I'm 5'8" and have lost 125 pounds;
currently at 153. I wear a size 12 very comfortably. I have lots of
loose skin (but I'm a lot older than you). After plastic surgery, I expect
to be in an 8 or a 10. Your goal is very realistic!
— Kathy J.
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