Question:
When I got married, my husband was
I specifically did NOT marry someone who was overweight because I knew how miserable being fat made me. Anyway, over the last 2 years he has put on at least 120 pounds, bringing him to around 335. I suggest going to the gym with me, walks, blah blah and he refuses. And now with me having this surgery he eats his portion and whatever I don't eat! We have A LOT of problems in our marriage and I've seen a divorce lawyer twice for other issues, but this one is really bothering me. I understand it's hard to lose weight, but am I going to hell for being disgusted by my husband? I guess I was so disgusted by myself...and here he was, NORMAL, and then he gained all that weight. I'm worried for his health, but it also is not attractive. I have no desire to be with him sexually, and with him getting larger it's becoming harder to do so anyway. I feel awful for that, but what can I do? And let me mention that in my 7 months of this weight loss journey he has not once told me that he can tell I'm losing weight or that I look nice. Please do not e-mail me with hate mail, I do not feel this way about other overweight people (I used to be 386). Does anyone else feel this way about their spouse?? — Paula Prichard (posted on August 25, 2002)
August 25, 2002
— California J.
August 25, 2002
Although I have never had your problem, I can definately sympathize. The
boyfriends I have had have always been very skinny. People sometimes used
to think it was amusing that someone as large as I was would have such
skinny guys. But I was never attracted to fat men. For me, being fat was
something I loathed. I hated myself for being too weak to lose the weight
on my own, and I had extremely low self-esteem because I thought I was so
disgusting. Why would I want to date someone who has the qualities I hate
in myself? I admired my boyfriend's skinny bodies because it was what I
wished I had. I still do. I can't really tell you much about your
predicament, but I can say that I think it is probably normal. We hated
the way we were fat enough to have surgery, and I can understand why we
would not want to date fat men because it reflects what we hate about
ourselves.
— Jennifer Y.
August 25, 2002
Hi PAula,
I agree with the other posts. And just wanted ot say that I think you
answered your own question. There is alot of bad blood between the two of
you and it is not getting any better. IF you were expecting your weight
loss to help the situation, I am sure that you are feeling let down by this
also. Good luck to you. Get the therapy on your own. It can't hurt.
— Vicki L.
August 25, 2002
Since he is MO as well I gather he isnt considering WLS? My surgeon told me
and Jen AFTER we both had surgery that if only one of a couple get WLS it
beats up the marriage really bad... He may feel threatened he is going to
have to get surgery as well. Fear can make folks do all sorts of strange
things..
— bob-haller
August 25, 2002
As someone who is still pre-op, this question hit home. My question/advice
is this: when you married him, did you love him? Did you love him for
more than his appearance? Can you search inside yourself and find the part
that loved him for who he was? Cause it seems to me, girl, that no one
gains 120 pounds in 2 years unless some serious sh*t is going on in their
head -- and he needs compassion, and a DOCTOR. Now it sounds like you have
other issues in the marriage (hell, keeping his mouth shut during your WL
journey is almost reason enough to boot him) and it sounds to me like you
guys need some serious counselling -- but as to his weight gain
specifically, try to be compassionate. Remember what it was like for
you...and if you still love him, help him. But if you don't, well, I think
you know the answer. Best of luck, honey, I know this has got to be tough
for you.
— Tamara K.
August 25, 2002
I don't see in your question that you have talked to him about this. I
think that you MAY need therapy individually and as a couple. I also detect
that you are upset with him for not giving you the attention that you think
you deserve. Talk to the guy!! Good Lux
— Robert L.
August 26, 2002
Bob brings up a good point..have you talked to him about his weight gain,
specifically what is going on with him that has caused him to gain so much?
I had a similar situation with my husband, except he was the one who
stayed the same since marriage and I was the one who gained 110 pounds...he
was disgusted by me, and let me know it, which of course hurt my feelings
and caused me to run to the comfort food...it was awful. I know others
say, well, did you marry what was on the outside or the inside, but
truthfully, its very hard to get turned on by fat...just my opinion. Have
you asked him why he has not noticed your huge weight loss? I didn't wait
for the compliments, I ask my husband all the time for them! And he is not
so giving with the compliments yet-he says I am a work in progress! I can
understand why he doesn't want to compliment me as he has seen me gain and
lose so many times, he is afraid I will slack off if he thinks that I think
he is satisfied..make sense? Have the two of you tried counseling?
There are so many issues between the two of you that I think you owe it to
each other to give counseling a try first before divorce lawyers are called
in.
— Cindy R.
August 26, 2002
I appreciate the responses, but let me say that he does NOT want to go to
counseling- says I should go if I feel I need it, but HE will NOT go. He
also admits that he might be a tiny bit depressed because he moved 2,000
miles away from his friends and family to get married. As for did I love
him when I got married? I guess yes, but we got married way too young and
he is about he laziest unmotivated person I have ever met, so do I love
him, yes...am I in love with him? NO. It is VERY hard to tell someone that
you're not in love with them, but that you still care. Every time we even
talk about his weight he gets all defensive. Oh, and yes, I was VERY
overweight when we married. I'm like 257 right now, so still no spring
chicken, but down from 386.
— Paula Prichard
August 26, 2002
Just my opinion... but the fact that a marital problem was identified and
counseling refused makes the loudest statement of all. By doing this -- in
my mind -- HE is breaking your marriage commitment. Hopefully, if you
stated it as such to him, he would see he how seriously you consider this
breech of "contract". If you feel so inclined, pray for strength
-- for both you and him, and anyone else in this situation.
— Karen F.
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