Question:
When to tell about the size 28 skin/size 14 body mismatch, before plastic surgery??

Okay, ladies and gents...I know all the psych standard phrases such as love thyself, and trust that if they really love you, too, the saggy skin will not matter. I know the stuff about building self-esteem, etc. I agree in some ways. Yet in other ways, I think it's the same BS we got when we were fat, about how and why to love/accept our fat bodies, while simultaneously being told to shrink them. That is what is known in psychology as a double-bind, in regular terms a catch-22". NOT FAIR or realistic. The fact is, saggy skin is no more lovely in our culture than a third eye or scaly skin might be..and others will love us in spite of it, not because of it. (Though, if they are the right ones, they might admire such signs in that they are our battle scars/badges of courage and the will to be happy!) I am in no hurry to be in love, for I've got lots to think about and do during this cycle of change. I knew there would be more attention and some advances, and frankly, I am not interested...still a little mad, even, that there was no interest pre-op from these same characters. And none of them interested ME before, so they still don't now. But there is someone new, and the interest is mutual. Bad timing! I look great and feel confident in my new size 14 clothes, with 49lbs to go, but am wrinkled and saggy like an old woman under them. I CAN'T WEAR SHORT SLEEVES, EVEN, WITHOUT MY SKIN SPLLING OUT THE BOTTOM LIKE MELTING WAX! I want plastic surgery when I've lost 29 or so more lbs, but not before then. And in any case, I won't be able to get it all done at once, by any means....the most expensive (and almost always self-pay) part is the thighs, and I need that almost the worst (oddly, because my legs never got huge.) Sooo, help! What do you say to yourself while waiting for the right time to tell? What do you do if, lke me, you don't WANT to have sex until you are more normal-looking? I don't want my first lovemaking after several years of comfortable celibacy to be tainted always with the memory of sadness and anxiety about my body. Too much like the days when at 20lbs overweight, I felt like a whale! (Of course, I'd feel gorgeous in that body now.I have come a good ways in self-acceptance.) The power imbalance in being accepted in spite of something physically unappealing wouldn't feel very comfortable or aid sexual pleasure, either, nor the feeling of having to explain in advance to avoid shocking my mate. Even if it WAS real love and the acceptance was there. I'm tired of feeling like I need special acceptance--I want to be just normal! Has anyone else met someone, then chosen to wait for total nudity/sex until after at least some plastic surgery? If so, what did you say? Other advice on coping also welcome...excepting the "love thyself and all else will follow" schtick--I could write that myself. And yes, I'm working on it. I'm looking for HOW to deal practically with the scary feelings and the inconvenient timing. Should I just pass tis one by, even though it seems like a speial connetion? (Too ealry to tell, actually.)    — [Anonymous] (posted on October 22, 2001)

October 22, 2001
I felt renewed sexually when I was down from a 32 to an 18. I had skin sagging and bagging everywhere - arms, tummy, thighs. Not a pleasant sight at all. I had been dating someone about a month and we had sex the weekend before my abdominoplasty was scheduled. He was not bothered by the excess skin at all. We were more into each other than our physical flaws. The next time we had sex post-op, it was incredible. I'll never forget him saying, "WOW!" when he undressed me - he couldn't believe the difference. Getting the excess skin off my tummy definitely made for better sexual positioning for us. The weeks that have followed have been better than the first. Now, to the "real love" thing, be careful. I thought this relationship was real love, and now everything has changed and I am hurt. The best advice I can offer is that you are still changing and adjusting to your new body. Stay away from committment until you define your new self. In the meantime, weigh the risk of getting hurt against the risk of your involvement. Yeah, I'm dealing with hurt, but we had some really great conversatsion, trips, and dates together, and I'd do it all over again. I'm trying to sort through my feelings to get past the hurt, remember the good memories, and learn from this relationship in preparation for my next. I don't want to be alone, but I'm not going to sacrifice myself for anyone else again. You can't demand respect and honesty - only time and observance of another's actions will show you whether the other person is truthful about who they are and they consistently show you respect. I learned about the 3-month rule this week - after three months, the real behavior of another person begins to come out, because the honeymoon of the relationship is over. Dating is scary...nothing is convenient or timely...that's the nature of life....I'm not sure there is any practical way of dealing with the scariness of new relationships, new people, and trusting yourself during a time of change while also trusting another. All I can say is good luck, and be careful!
   — [Anonymous]

October 22, 2001
PS, I was the anonymous post previously. I am now at a 12/14 post-op and still thinking of additional reconstructive surgeries. It will not hamper me from being responsibly sexually active until I complete the additional surgeries. Anybody who judges me solely on my appearance is not someone I want to be with anyway - there's too many other pieces of the puzzle of me.
   — [Anonymous]

October 22, 2001
Just a quick comment to get this question back on the board...I want to hear lots of opinions. Right now I am leaning toward explaining my situation and feelings, and offering alternative ways of sexual intimacy vs. total nudity/sex, when the time comes...maybe I'll feel so comfortable and loved/trusting, or so (--ahem--) hormonal, I'll change my mind then. But I need to feel it IS a choice, and that it is mine to make. I am not too worried that someone I have chosen will not love me anyway, or will care ONLY about my body. It's I who do not want to have that memory, and who do not feel comfortable with my body as it is. I mean I've been celibate for years, even though a few others were interested even at 284 lbs...but I did not want to have sex in that body, and I don't now. My sex drive is low, anyway. If I force myself to have sex because "it's the natural (typical, normal) time" to do so in a relationship, and I'm not ready, and I don't like my body yet, it will be a miserable (and too memorable) experience. Sooo, I am thinking to be honest, defer sex until I'm ready (though not ALL intimacy), and let the chips fall where they may. Just as others might choose to have sex NOW because they miss it, and trust that they will be appreciated "as is" or cope securely with rejection.....Regardless, I STILL want to know (please) how you dealt with the surprise factor. Did you "warn" the lover in advance, and risk seeming ashamed, or just wait and let him see it when you undressed? If so, he had to have been a LITTLE surprised, right? ....I went to see a surgeon who does RNY for a related problem, and he thought I'd already had plastic surgery, since in clothes I look pretty trim. He blushed hard when I said, "Yeah, I think I'm going to need a few tucks--know anyone good?" I don't want to see someone's face fall in surprise, nor do I want to tell it in advance like I warning them about a problem like herpes.---Thanks, Jesse
   — [Anonymous]

October 22, 2001
Jesse, I cannot really give you advice cause I haven't dealt with that issue . BUT, I think you won't really know how to deal with it until the time comes. It's really hard to say how you will deal with it now until you are in that situation. That is what I would think anyway. You have to do whatever is comfortable for you. If you get in a serious relationship, then that will be the time to discuss things of that nature. If he isn't "cool" with it, then he isn't "the one".
   — Kim B.

October 23, 2001
Jesse, I can't give you any advice either. I'm not going to give you any advice about loving your body because I sure didn't love my body at 350lbs. I do think that you should see a therapist who specializes in body image issues, because if you are going to find any peace in life, you have to learn to *accept* your body. Even if you have the means for reconstructive surgery, it's going to take quite sometime to get the body you want. As for the man in your life. If you love him and if you don't want to lose him, explain your feelings to him. Prepare him. Presumably he knows about your weight loss, let him know that you need some reconstructive work. If you aren't in love and if baring your body for a man is too painful now, tell him that, and let him go. Let the the relationship thing go until you have a body that makes you feel good about yourself. I am glad that I have stablized at a size 16. My single fear about wls was that I would be in your position. I'm very vane and I couldn't bear the thought of working soooo hard to lose weight and ending up with body that I still didn't consider attractive. That was one of the things my surgeon cautioned us about prior to wls. I renmeber he said "you might lose 150 pounds and end up with a body that looks worse than the body you have today". It terrified me......
   — [Anonymous]

November 6, 2001
Sorry, Jesse, but I can't really offer the kind of response you're looking for, either. I'm just about where you are. I've lost within 10 pounds of my goal & haven't been sexually active for a long time. I've worried & thought about the same things you're facing. My advice, though, is simple: if you want to do it, do it and if you don't want to (for whatever reason), don't.....yet. I think it's going to take a while for us newly-normal-weight ladies to get comfortable with ourselves. I know I don't have the body I hoped I would have, but I do still feel strongly that it's much better than it was before. I'm hoping to have plastic surgery, but that may not be possible. If that's the case, I will have to learn to accept that & my body, even as it is. I think I can do that, maybe just a little more time. For right this minute though, if I were to meet that "someone" & wanted to have sex, I would do it, but I might make sure the lights were low the first few times. Yeah, it would be great if after surgery we could all have the perfect bodies we dream of, but that just ain't gonna happen. Even after plastic surgery you know there will be LOTS of scarring. Sure, much of it fades with time (here again, the waiting thing), but not all of it ever fades (as I understand). I'm thinking of the little slogan on the front page of this site that says "you won't look like a supermodel....but you may feel like one!" And that is true; I don't think any of us that lose this much weight are going to look like we never gained, then lost all this weight. It's too bad, but just not realistic. So I'm thinking if you, if I, if any of us, wait til we look perfect, we'll be waiting a LONG time. Jeez, I hope I don't have to wait that long. ;) Good luck with whatever your decision is. I hope you get more answers & more helpful ones, but I have noticed it's harder to get as much response to questions devoted more to us post-oppers who are at or close to goal weight. It makes sense, I suppose, cuz most people here are at the earlier stages of this journey. But I think it's good for them to have a more realistic expectation of what their final outcome is likely to be, too.
   — Kathy W.