Question:
How can I deal with dating when men shun me even if Im only 25 lbs too heavy?
Im in my late 20s and Ive always been a very shy person when it comes to men. As a result, most of the relationships I have had were the result of personals ads and internet dating. I had thought up until now that the reason I had yet to find someone good was because I was so heavy (most of the men who "accepted" me as I was had severe flaws like lying, etc.). Now that Ive lost a lot of weight (I currently weigh 190 lbs at 5'7") I had hoped to have more opportunities open up. Unfortunately I still get the same treatment I was receiving when I weighed 315 lbs even when I lie and say I weigh 175 lbs!!! I live in Southern California where you have to be thin and blonde to get the guys. Anyway, this repeated rejection is starting to turn me very bitter. I mean judging from some of the pictures Ive seen a lot of these guys are nothing to look at. Ive thought about getting a picture of myself scanned because Im considered to be fairly attractive but then I wonder whether these men are worth the effort if they wont give a woman a chance who is only 25 or so lbs overweight. Any suggestions from women in similar situations? Im hoping to hear from someone who will tell me that not ALL California men are jerks, just most of them. — [Anonymous] (posted on July 21, 2000)
July 21, 2000
Hi. I am sure you are a wonderful girl/woman and if they are that
superficial then you do not need them. Just wait for the right guy to come
around. There are a lot of nice guys out there even in California. At
5'7" and 190, you are not that big anymore. Are you still losing?
Let's face it, guys do not like fat chicks BUT there are exceptions to the
rule. You are probably on your way to being thinner so you have that
incentive. I think self confidence is attractive so just know you are
beautiful and everything will fall into place.
— [Deactivated Member]
July 21, 2000
Hi, I think maybe you should give up the internet game and get and with
friends and meet some men face to face. I think if telling your weight is
supposed to be the start of a wonderful relationship we are all doomed! I
have a wonderful, handsome husband who fell in love with me when I was 100
lbs overweight. But if he had seen my weight before he ever met me, things
might have been different.
Get out and meet some people the old fashioned way. I think you will be
surprised and men will be flocking to get your attention! Hope this helps!
— Laura P.
July 21, 2000
I don't have a lot of experience dating as I was married for 15 years. But
I can tell you that at 250 lbs and more, there were one or two very good
looking, normal sized guys that were attracted to me. I've always thought
it was because we knew each other first...they got the chance to know me
and then decided my 'pretty face' enhanced my personality. Nothing came
out of it (all parties were married!), but it was still nice to know that
guys were attracted to me. In any case, it is sad but true that a lot of
men don't see a large woman's 'curb appeal', and oftentimes we get passed
by.
But I thought I'd share this little pearl that I learned during divorce
therapy: You will be ready to date when you don't want to, have to or need
to. When you aren't looking for it, it will come your way. Don't be
bitter, just take your mind off of it, find some activities to keep you
busy and most of all, enjoy being with yourself! When that happens, you
will project it and others will notice. Good Luck and God Bless!
— Allie B.
July 21, 2000
I'm 59 years old, I've been fat since I was 20, I have never lacked for men
in my life and at this writing I still have an ex-husband begging to come
back and a gentleman friend that I haven't been intimate with for over a
year that still pursues me (he's 43, tall, thin and good looking). My
daughter is 5'6" and weighs 187 pounds. She is beautiful and has men
approaching her wherever she goes. While a lot (I won't even say most) men
prefer women that are not fat, there are a great many who like large women
and some even prefer them. Don't sell yourself short, do your best to look
your best, smile and be friendly. I'm a quiet person and not very outgoing
but your attitude can carry you beyond that. Learn to have confidence in
yourself.
— Connie G.
July 21, 2000
I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but your life seems to be a fulfillment
of your thoughts. You believe that "you have to be
thin and blonde to get the guys." This is not true, no matter where
you live. You've also settled for liars in the past because you were so
grateful that they "accepted you." This signals major
self-esteem problems. I think that you need to work on your 'self
talk" and read some books or get some counseling on developing higher
standards for yourself. Nobody should ever 'settle' for someone who has
lower standards in morals, etc. Get out of the house, join into some
sports activities, attend church services and fellowship activities
regularly. Work on your shyness. You have nothing to be ashamed of in
your physical looks. Work on yourself. The best way to find friends is to
BE ONE. Be interested in others. LISTEN to others, show your interest -
genuine interest. If you find a man who is only interested in your body
(regardless of size) drop him! You can work through this.
— Cindy H.
July 21, 2000
I don't know about California men (I am from Florida) I do know this. It
doesn't matter how big you are or small you are, it is the attitude. I
don't really date very much either, and I used to think it was because I
was fat and ugly. Chances are you are like me and you don't want men who
only want one thing. Believe it or not, you probably have standards and
expectations that the "low life men" can't fulfill for you and
you radiate that unconsciously and you don't really want anything to do
with these men. Take care of yourself and make yourself happy. If you do
that and you feel pretty, you'll carry yourself around like you are pretty.
You have to believe it yourself before you can ever expect anyone else to
believe it. During the time of weight loss, take care of yourself. This is
ME time. You need to have the ME time to get used to everything, because
there is a lot to get used to. The rest will fall into place as long as
you know what you want and never settle for less. Strut your stuff girl
because you deserve it! You lost that weight and believe you deserve
nothing but the finest and loads of respect. Go you!!!
— Danielle K.
July 21, 2000
First of all, congrats on your weight loss. You're doing great, and you
should feel very proud of yourself. It sounds though, that even though you
resent men who judge you on your looks, you are doing the same thing to
yourself. No one can deny that physical attraction plays an important role
in relationships, but it isn't the most important part. Ask yourself what
kind of image you are portraying to others. If it is an image that only
deals with looks, then people will use that for or against you. On the
other hand, if you are portraying confidence about yourself, feeling secure
about yourself, an interesting and fun personality, and a feeling of warmth
and caring, that makes you a much more "marketable catch". Don't
fall into the same appearance trap that you seem to be surrounded with. In
my early twenties I went through a bitterness stage with men because of my
weight. I went to OA meetings, and that helped me substantially. I would
also encourage you to see a therapist. I was told on several occasions
that it would be good to see a therapist before and after WLS, and I can
understand why. We are undergoing major physical and emotional changes.
While the primary reason for my surgery was due to worsening health issues,
I also have to be honest and say that I am looking forward to dating and
marrying as an "added perk". I am 36 and have never done the
dating scene besides 1 guy I dated throughout high school and college.
Right now I very much want to be in a loving, caring relationship and have
children. I am confident that it will happen. Hang in there. Don't sell
yourself short. Make a list for YOURSELF of all the wonderful personality
and character traits you have. Make another list of the wonderful
personality and character traits you want a spouse to have. If you compare
the lists, you will probably find that appearances are not at the top of
those lists. Best of luck to you. (hugs)
— Paula G.
July 21, 2000
Congratulations on your weight loss. Are you receiving any therapy? After
going through an eating disorder...we still have scars to deal with.
Sometimes it might feel that the self-esteem is better, yet, deep inside we
are still dealing with some issues. God, has a perfect man just for you.
However, God also has his own timing. Pray, seek some help, and rest
assured it will happen!
— LaNora L.
July 21, 2000
Congrats on what a good job your doing! losing that much weight is
something to be very proud of. I have been overweight for many years, but
i've always had tons of attention from men, and i think that all comes from
keeping a positive attitude and never "thinking" as a fat person.
I know I am attractive, and I know I have tons of positive attributes to
bring to a relationship and because i KNOW this, it helps others KNOW it
about me. Everyone is right, go see a counselor or read some self-help
books (they really aren't all full of crap!) When you feel good about
yourself, you'll be amazed at what happens in your life. only having 25lbs
to goal is AWESOME and you should be very proud of yourself. I think men
sometimes get a "number" in their head and THAT is what they
think a woman should weigh. and if those are the type of men you are
meeting, you need to find a different way to meet men. Taking a
"fun" class at a local community college is terrific way to meet
someone. Do some charity work. Habitat for Humanity has men who obviously
have good hearts and strong backs! what more could you ask for, a man not
afraid to help others. Some people have had luck on the internet, but from
my experiences, those are few and far between. i use the net now simply
for research and email. I am involved with a guy that i knew from high
school, so, skip the personals, turn off the computer and start working on
the "inner you" since the OUTER you is well on its way! Good
Luck and keep your chin up!!!
— [Anonymous]
July 21, 2000
Sugar, Any man that just looks at your "size" is worth having!!
Try joining singles groups at a church. I would be very leery about dating
services, etc. because there are a lot of wierdo's out there just waiting
to prey on women. It's a lot better to be single & lonely than it is to
be taken advantage of!!! Sometime married guys or separated guys post on
the net or dating services just because they're bored & think it's a
joke. If a guy is a divorcee, I'd want to know why before I invested too
much time with him. If he's not willing to talk about it...what is he
trying to hide??? I'm just telling you to be careful because sometimes when
we're lonely we become vulnerable. I just don't like to see any woman get a
heart ache over an unscrupulous man!!!
— Kathy A.
July 21, 2000
This is just my 2 cents, but maybe you should get out more. I personally
wouldn't be looking in personal adds and on the internet for men. You are
so young, and now with your new body you might have more confidence while
out. Have you ever thought about joining a mixed ball team, or getting
involved with any other type of sports? I know that if you are like me,
you would have never dreamed of playing sports, especially with men. But
believe me, a lot of men play ball, and are also looking for women. Not
only can you meet the men on the team that you play on, but there are the
other teams, tournaments, dances...ect. It's just a thought, but it sound
to me like more fun, than reading personal adds.
— Bluefever
July 21, 2000
What hit me about your question is, where are you in all this? You are the
most important person. Until we are feeling good in our own skin I don't
care who shows up it will not feel right. When we are externally focused
for our happiness we are never satisfied, our happiness has to first come
from within. We attract people in our lives that reflect what is going on
with us. I am a lot older and been through it all. I didn't find a spouse
until I was developing myself, doing volunteer work, going to school, going
to church, finding my path. A great book is The Road Less Traveled. The
author talks about it is the brave among us who seek to develop and become
fully human. We will never find happiness from someone else until we first
take care of ourselves. You are on a journey. I grew up in California and
I know what it is like, but I found the love of my life without losing
weight first, he was attracted to who I had become. I wish you all the
best on your journey. June
— June F.
July 21, 2000
Hi. I had to chuckle when I read your question because my best friend,
(who lost a considerable amount of weight herself a few years ago via
conventional weight loss methods...God bless her!) advised me before MY
wls, that "the same men who were "jerks" BEFORE you lost the
weight will still be "jerks" AFTER you lose it". YOU have
just PROVED her point. Now, I don't know about California men, but I think
(alot) of men are just the same no matter what state
(country...universe...etc) they reside in. So my humble, yet unsolicited,
advice is this: whatever you do, DON'T lower your own standards or allow
yourself to "settle" for ANYTHING less than you deserve! You
have every right to "shun" the "shunners". Walk
PROUDLY away until you find just EXACTLY what you're looking for (but allow
yourself to have some "fun" now in the process) You're doing
great! Continued good luck and God bless. cj
— cj T.
February 1, 2002
DEFINITELY post your picture. Honestly, most men have no clue what a 190
lbs. woman looks like. They all think that 110 lbs. is normal. They think
that at 300 lbs., a woman would be unable to get out of her bedroom without
the help of ENTs and a crane! They don't have a clue! Just post a picture
and don't even enter your weight if you can. And for those who reject you
in person because of the 25 lbs., forget them.
— [Anonymous]
September 4, 2002
Hi--first of all, CONGRATS on your wonderful weight loss! Let me tell you
from past experience that when you're in the "still losing
weight" phase, you're not ready for any kind of relationship. You're
still a work-in-progress; give yourself some time to let your mind and body
adjust to the new you. Don't become obsessed with the "I gotta find a
guy" mindset. Just focus on wonderful YOU!
Secondly, remember that, generally speaking, men are used to reading
Playboy, et al, and to them, an ideal weight for a woman is 110#. So 175
sounds HUGE to them (even though I KNOW that you look great--been there,
done that)! If you must give a number (and I don't feel you must, to
anyone), just say you weigh 140. (remember, they think the average woman
weighs 110, so when they meet you, they'll think you look 140...) Hope
this helps!
— Joyce C.
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