Question:
How does one reassure their spouse or significant other that everything will be okay?

My wonderful partner Bill, is extremely supportive of my decision to have my revision to my surgery. He's such a marvelous man that very much want to spend the rest of my life with ... and enjoy everything I can with him. Thus, some of my desire to get the balance of my weight off. To give me much more quality time with him. He admitted to me tonite, that he's quite scared of losing me in surgery. He's never had a wife or partner go thru major surgery and has never himself been in a hospital except for the birth of his daughters. His best friend just died suddenly a couple weeks ago, at age 42 (my age), of a heart attack, totally unrelated to weight, it was a genetic thing. I think that is part of what fuels his fear since his friend and I were only a couple weeks apart in age. But I understand too that he's concerned that any surgery is risky, and his being a Psychologist, he tends to mull things over and analyze things. How do I help calm his fears, and offer assurances to him? I trust my surgeon completely, He did my original surgery, and I've had zero complications or health problems from my surgery. But ... I too have that "what if the unexpected happens" fear. Thanks for any advice :)    — Sherrie G. (posted on August 2, 1999)

August 2, 1999
That's a tough question Sherrie. We are experancing the same thing in my household. My husband, John, is quite concerned about me having surgery. At the onset, we discussed the pros and cons. He knows the risk of my dieing of heart attack are many times higher than dieing as a result of surgery complications. And he knows the bennifits far out weigh the risks. However, he wouldn't look at the slide show that is on the web, because he said that if he saw what they were going to do he wouldn't want me to have surgery. I guess the bottom line is, we all have fears. Being deprived of the one we love is frightening. About the best we can do is share with each other, talk about our concerns, and express our love. It helps if we have faith in a power for good outside of ourselves. If we can trust in God, it is comforting.
   — Fran W.

August 3, 1999
If it is any consolation, you might remind him that your risks of surgery this time around are lower than the first time, because of your lower weight. Statistics show that there are fewer complications postop and fewer complications related to anesthesia in the lower weight ranges. Since you made it through the first surgery just fine, you have to go on faith that you will make it through the second. Keep your head up and keep thinking positive thoughts. Wrap yourself in God's light before the surgery and tell him to pray. Here's something to think about regarding prayer: A study was done in a San Francisco Hospital. Nuns were assigned to pray over petri dishes filled with bacteria. In a controlled study, those dishes that were prayed for had less bacteria than the ones that did not have prayers done over them. The conclusion of the study is that prayer can be effective, even in the absence of faith on the part of the recepient of the prayer. So, for everyone going into surgery, remember prayer.
   — Deborah L.

August 3, 1999
Hi Cherrie. I think you have hit the nail right on the head with your assessment that your boyfriend's loss of his friend is fueling his fears. He's just lost someone significant. Now your going to be having major surgery, which always carries a risk. Of course he's scared. His being a psychologist probably doesn't help him sort through all his own feelings all the time. Keep the lines of communication open. Be as supportive as you can. Best of luck to you for your surgery.
   — Penny W.

August 3, 1999
Dear Sherrie--What a wonderful man your husband sounds like! I can only advise you both to turn to God and place the revision in His hands. Prayer is a powerful thing, especially when you do it together. God bless--Charlene
   — charlene M.