Question:
HELP! Want to date but very scared...am I truly ready yet?
Hi everyone...I just have to get this off my chest...this may be a long post. I'm 6 months post op and have lost 121 lbs (started at 360 now weigh 239). I'm really interested in finding someone special and have been talking to some guys online. I really don't like the online thing, because I've been finding either the guys don't like me cause of my size, or they do and are just looking for "one thing". I want a relationship and kind of use chat rooms and IMing for "practice". Well, this weekend I spoke to a guy who actually lives in the same town as me. He's only a year older than me and is new to the area. He's a normal size guy and was pretty nice looking. So I thought once I sent him my pic it would be over. I told him about my surgery, and he liked my picture said I was cute and wanted to meet me. I was going to visit him at his work...drove in the parking lot...and had a full blown panic attack. I got physically nauseated and was sweating profusley. I couldn't go in the building. This isn't the first time this has happened. I'm 25 and have very minimal dating expereince. Even though the guy saw the real me and liked it I was freaked that when he saw me it would be over. Probably part of the problem is that I still feel so insecure...I'm still overweight but not crippling obese like I was before. I'm not the most outgoing person either, so I'm scared I'd have nothing to say, plus being overweight doesn't make the best first impression. I know I'm focusing too much on myself and epecting the worst to happen. I feel like an awkward 13 year old in an adult's body so it's really tough! I tell myself maybe I should lose more weight,but I can't keep doing this forever. I'm really bummed out cause I really wanted to meet this guy the most out of anyone I've talked to lately. I would love to hear from anyone who began dating post-op and how you got over the "first scary step". What helped you relax? Or does it sound like I should take some additional steps before I try this. I have been in therapy for 4 years but I don't see my therapist for another 2 months. I also take Zoloft to control my anxiety symptoms and for the most part it works for everyday use. Feel free to E-mail me...thanks in advanced for your help :) — mzcath (posted on September 7, 2004)
September 7, 2004
— Jennifer F.
September 7, 2004
Hi Cathy
Your post hits very close to home. I am 1yr 6 months PO. I had not dated
very much prior to surgery. I had one serious relationship in my 26 years.
Since surgery and 130# later, I have dated alot more. I still get
nervous, wonder what to talk about and still have issues with my body. I'm
starting to wonder if this will ever go away. I, too, have tried the
on-line dating. I have met a couple of ppl from these experiences, but no
one to write home about. I have also met some through other ppl. Still,
no one yet. I guess what I'm trying to say to you and remind myself at the
same time is that it takes time. Its very frustrating!! You want that
someone right now and they are being elusive. When the time is right and
the stars are all aligned you will meet that person. In the meantime, just
enjoy meeting ppl and having experiences that you've never had before.
Don't think of each date or person as the one, but as someone who could
become a friend. You never know when you might meet a friend of a friend
of a friend who could be 'the one.' Also, one more thing I have learned or
am learning is that its an uphill battle, sometimes. You will meet those
ppl who will do you wrong. Don't even let yourself think that this has
anything to do with you. Learn from the experience and move on. Don't let
someone else's issues effect you. As for the guy you met online, if you are
still interested in him, explain to him what happened. Ask him if you can
try again. Guys have issues and problems too. If he doesn't understand,
then most likely you don't need him anyway. All that said, I wish you all
the best of luck. Be true to yourself and make yourself happy first and
foremost. Take care of you! Jaime
— Jaime H.
September 8, 2004
Hi. I am also losing weight and am dating again. I have found that if I can
talk myself into believing that I have the confidence in myself, then I can
buffalo my way through something. Other people will see the confidence,
even if I am faking it. Then eventually you do talk yourself into having
more confidence because you are so used to practicing it. Maybe this
approach will work for you. This has helped me get my last job and given me
the confidence to talk to guys. They do have issues like us too so I bet
the guy will understand if you talk to him about it. Dating can be
stressful, but it also can be very rewarding. I have the attitude now that
I may as well talk to someone and if they don't like me I'm okay with that.
But if I remain too shy I might be missing a really great oppurtunity. So I
go for it. Best of luck in the dating scene. Remember that you are worth it
and if any guy doesn't see that then they are missing out. And relax and
have fun. Good luck.
— Donna F.
September 8, 2004
Well, I can't tell you if you're ready to date or not, but I CAN tell you
to "Go for it!" What's the worst that can happen? You'll get
rejected and have to move on? Go into this thinking that he might make a
good friend, if nothing else. Let me tell you my story...
I met someone online, sent my pic, and thought it was over. I was 8
months pregnant at the time, and was weighing in at 300lbs. This guy
thought I was pretty and very nice, so he came to my work to meet me
(Walmart). We went out as friends a couple of times, but I really liked
him. I was pretty scared, because what guy wants to date a girl who's
about to have a baby? Turned out it didn't matter to this guy! My
daughter has called him "Daddy" from the day she started talking,
and we've been married for almost four years.
There ARE men out there who care about the person, not about the body.
Maybe you've found one...but you'll never know unless you give it a chance.
— [Deactivated Member]
September 8, 2004
It burns me up with this you have to look like a barbie doll mentallty of
our world. You have already taken the steps neccesary to become healthier
and that is more important than the way you look. I am pre-op status and I
have a significant other 5ft 1inch and 310. Men still come onto me. Why I
don't know but they do. I say this to let you know some men like
"full figured women" no dog likes a bone with ut some meat LOL
seriously it is what is on the inside that counts. If you can not find a
guy who loves you for what is on the inside, then they do not deserve you.
I feel that way if you are a model or not. IT IS WHAT IS ON THE INSIDE
THAT IS IMPORTANT. YOu need to find a way to be comfrotable with yourself
and learn to love yourself before you can truly love someone else!!!!!!!!!
— JerseyGirl
September 8, 2004
The time to be brave is now!
— Deb J.
September 8, 2004
I can identify, to a point. More in how I deal with the public, but same
concept. I am basically shy and would rather stay behind the door and talk.
Still, I go to meetings and out in public. The only way I can actually DO
it is to focus on the other person(s). For example, I attended the OH conf
in TX. Kinda hard since I'd be meeting people I knew on line, etc. My
hair wasn't right, I felt fat, was that another wrinkle? Wrong outfit,
wrong shoes, is my hair uneven? EGAD, I was paralyzed. So, I had to take a
deep breath and focus on the fact that THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME, it's about
them. I look at other people a presents waiting to be discovered. So, when
you think about meeting this guy, if you can grab your focus and hold onto
it, move it over to what you might find IN HIM, rather than what he might
(or not) find in you. Study HIM for himself, rather than both of you
studying YOU. Know what I mean? It takes a huge amount of stress off.
— vitalady
September 8, 2004
Jump ahead 18 years and you have described my life. At 43 I had not dated
much at all and was hurt very bad in a "relationship" (that's
using a kind term) in my early 20's and basically used the weight to keep
guys away. Fat was my safety zone. However, for me I had already gone
through the experience of losing a lot of weight (200 lbs) in 1994 and
feeling good about myself physically yet I still did not end up with a
relationship. I had to face the fact that the problem was me and not what
size I was. That along with other things sent me into a pretty severe
depression that took years to bring under control. Basically I needed to
learn about myself and figure some things out before I was ready to deal
with a relationship.
<p>Jump ahead to July of 2003 when I was almost 6 months PO. I was
in the low 300's at that point having started at 442. My mom and I had
done an Alaska vacation that summer and I had some nice pictures of me and
was willing to show them around. So I got up the guts and put them on a
profile on Yahoo Personals. It was a huge step for me but I felt a
relatively safe one since I could control how much info I gave out etc.
One must realize that at 43 I have been taking care of myself for many
years and did not need a man to "take care of me". I was
financially sound, had a good career, owned my own home etc. I wanted the
love side of a relationship. Not what he could provide for me. Heck I
would have been happy with a house husband since I like a clean house but
am not real good at getting it there or keeping it there. I also knew I
did not want to have any children at this age, so I was rather picky. My
profile was extemely honest about who I was and what I was looking for. I
made it clear I wasn't looking for game playing and that my ultimate goal
was a long-term relationship or preferably marriage. I also have 3 large
dogs and made it clear they were not going anywhere, so don't even suggest
it. I'm sure it came off strong to many men but truthfully I was not going
to waste my time with someone who wanted to turn me into something they
envisioned. It didn't mean I wasn't willing to compromise and make some
changes but the core me would always be the same.
<p>I got very few responses to my profile as I think it came off too
strong for most men. That was okay because if they could not deal with the
real me then I wasn't interested. About 3 months later, and very little
communication with any men, I got brave one night and sent out ice breakers
to 9 men. One responded that he didn't like dogs and one responded he
loved dogs. That's the one I married 9-1/2 months after we met. We met
Oct 27th for lunch and did public meeting things for about the first month.
I did not give him my address or last name for that whole month. I needed
to take the risks on my own terms. He had been hurt really bad in a 4-yr
marriage, so we were both gun shy of getting hurt. We both wanted to take
it really slow. At least that was our plan. After the first month we just
became so comfortable with each other that things ended up moving quickly.
By early January he moved in. By March we were engaged and set a wedding
date of Oct 24th, 2004. By Friday Aug 13th we decided we wanted to get
married then and did. We went to the courthouse and made it legal. We are
still going to do the church wedding as it is something that is important
to both of us.
<p>So the moral of my very long story is when it is right you will
know it! Other than my husband, I never dated anyone after my WLS. While
doing the online thing is scary I personally like it better because you are
more in control and can decide just how much to tell etc. Granted he could
lead you on etc., so there is definitely a risk involved either way. For
me I am not a bar scene person and I also work in a male dominated field
and am used to being around men all the time. So I do not tend to look at
men as potential dates or partners. A man could make a pass at me and I
most likely would not even recognize it. So for me to find someone it
would have to be a different way. I am extremely fortunate that David was
honest and who he said he was. No game playing involved at all. He was
open about his marriage and the residual feelings he still had etc. We
went through some up and down times as he worked through those feelings,
but I knew he was worth the effort, so I gave him the time he needed. I
know in my heart that if David and I had met in 1994/95 when I had lost the
weight before, the relationship would never have worked out. I am a
totally different person now in my openness and how I confront and deal
with things. 9 years of counseling has helped me get to that point.
<p>As far as your size do not sweat it. If it's the right guy it
won't matter what you weigh. I was about 265 when David and I met for the
first time. Before I would meet him I told him about the surgery and gave
him the link to my profile and gave him the chance to run and he didn't. I
wasn't going to waste my time with someone who could not deal with the size
I used to be and the choices I had made. I made it clear that I would not
promise him that I would never weight 442 lbs again or that I would not
gain substantial weight etc. But I told him that I felt for the first time
in my life that I had something that could help me keep my weight at
something reasonable, but only time would tell. I also told him about my
upcoming PS's and what I eventually hoped to weigh. He wasn't interested
in a skinny minny and I wasn't interested in being one, so it worked out
well. After 2 PS's I hang in the low to mid 190's. I have 1-2 more PS's
to go and figure I will end up in the 180's.
<p>One of the reasons I chose David to contact is that he is
overweight, about 90 lbs. I felt he would understand the struggles I went
through and why I did what I did and I was right. But I was also concerned
that our lives would not mesh together as I needed a more active lifestyle
to maintain my weight, so I made it clear to him that a couch potato life
would not work for me. He was fine with that and wanted to lose some more
weight anyway. He had already lost 30 lbs on his own. David having a 4yr
old son basically threw the couch potato life out the door anyway. Honesty
is truly the best policy. I told him upfront what my concerns were with
his weight and he was onboard with my concerns. I personally do not care
what he weighs all I care about is his health and he may be faced some day
with having to chose a WLS because he has Diabetes and is having a hard
time getting it under control with meds. So surgery might be his best
choice.
<p>It is important that you slowly start to venture out into the
world and take some risk, but it needs to be small risks and ones you can
get comfortable with. It took me many many years to take the risk I needed
to find that special someone, but it was worth the wait! Go with your gut
instincts. If it doesn't feel right then don't go there. I would meet
this guy you've been emailing at a public place first. It's too tough to
walk into a place where he works and be scrutinized by everyone. Neutral
territory is the best situation. Always meet him at the places until you
are comfortable with letting him know where you live and potentially him
coming over. You can never be too cautious in my opinion. I also think it
will be important to stay in closer contact with your counselor during this
time of change. Every two months may be too far apart for a while. You
are young enough that you have time on your side. Enjoy your new healthy
body and your new life but use your brain and things will be okay. Many
wishes to you for a long and happy life. Chris D.
— zoedogcbr
September 9, 2004
I know exactly how you feel. I started at 269 and am so far at 162. My
husband left me about 7 weeks ago, and although, I miss him, I am having a
ball. I work around the majority of men and love the way they act towards
me now. I feel wonderful. I even went as far as asking one out for
drinks. He said yes, and met me sight unseen, and for the first time in my
life, someone really liked what they saw. (and so did I, when i looked at
myself in the mirror, i cried) So I say go for it. Your confidence will
come out, and that is the first big step. Isn't that why we did this in
the first place??? To feel great about ourselves!!!! Best of luck!
— cherylbean
September 9, 2004
Hey everyone thank you so much for those whose answered me and gave
encouragement. Just wanted to let you know I did what most of you told me
to do...I got up the courage talked to the guy told him the truth what I
was feeling. He was very understanding and still insisted on meeting. We
went out for awhile this evening. While at times it could be pretty
awkward, things went pretty well. He did ask me out again :) So I'm gonna
take things pretty slowly. I would've always wondered "what if"
if I didn't take the risk. So thank you everyone for the support!
— mzcath
September 10, 2004
Cathy, I am so glad your initial step of risk worked out so well. Keep
slowly advancing the risk you are comfortable taking and see where things
lead. Also remember to stay in contact with your counselor to help you
through some of the potential anxiety type things that may arise. The
bottom line is if we never take any risk we will be mateless for the rest
of our lives and that's fine if that's what you want. Small safe risks can
get you to the end result you desire. No need to dive in too quick. Good
luck and enjoy this time of exploration and I truly hope you find your
"David". I know mine has filled in the missing piece in my life
and I thank God that he brought us together.
— zoedogcbr
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