Question:
Why are some people so judgemental after reading only a few sentences.....
Recently, I posted a question about having an affair. I really appreciate ALL the comments because that is what I asked for, however some of us can be so judgemental of others. I am not vain or stuck on myself, actually I am quite the opposite. I asked that question for my WLS because we have something in common, I expected to hear comments like FRAN'S from the general public. When I say an affair is coming it is because my DH (damn) will not take me serious when I say I want out. I am not leaving someone who has been by my side when I was fat, just because he was there does not mean he was REALLY there! At one time I think I was settling but now I don't have to have a man to be a whole woman. Hell, I work now and I will work after he is gone. As far as my kids are concerned, they have been in my home with me and they know what I have gone through. I am not going to tell my life history for hundreds to read, but just understand this is well thought out and the man's time has ran out. And is is vain to say that my body still looks okay after 4 kids and a 15 year marriage? And yes, I have a pretty face but I always have been told that. And one last tid bit I married at 16 and he was 17---so now what do you have to say FRAN and others like you. But still, I really appreciate all of the comments and feel free to email me for a more detailed conversation. I will post pictures when I learn how and I love this website!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! — Consuella G. (posted on February 4, 2004)
February 3, 2004
Judgemental?? YOUR the one who ONLY wrote a few lines...YOU asked and WE
responded. If you had a hard time with our comments, then you shouldn't of
written what YOU wrote. That's right, you DON'T need to tell us your whole
life story...we have our own lives to deal with. This sight is about
getting information/dealing with OBESITY.....it's not about who YOU should
get into bed with next. If YOU have a problem with THIS posting...TOO BAD!!
— Maryjean
February 3, 2004
One more thing.......you have NO pictures up - so how are WE to know??? You
have a "cocky" attitude about being "so beautiful, like a
model" (yesterday posting), and you say that "you have a pretty
face" - well let me tell you something.......have you ever heard,
"You can dress them up, but YOU CAN'T TAKE THEM OUT??" There is
more to a person than just a pretty face - too bad your personality doesn't
match that "pretty face"
— Maryjean
February 3, 2004
I sent you a privite email did you get it. I hope that you did if not I
can resend it.
— Autumn
February 3, 2004
i admit you did get a few rude responses but when you put things out there
for people to read, be prepared for their answers. BTW, reading your
profile and your posts, seems to me like you are the one with the problem.
i hope you get your life straigtened out before you self-destruct.
— Delores S.
February 3, 2004
My mom divorced more than once:( What happens is you move out when he isnt
home, and your hubby comes home and finds your stuff gone. He then knows
your serious when the divorce papers arrive a couple days later and he is
paying child support. <P> I have friends who have had affairs, it
left everyone involved scarred for life, espically the kids. Just my 2
cents.
— bob-haller
February 3, 2004
I got married when I was 18, two days out of high school. Everyone has
problems. Did I know I was marrying a manic-depressive? No, but, for
better for worse and in sickness and health. Everyone said, ‘You
had better divorce him’. Have I ever cheated on him? No, and I
won’t. Just my 2 cents worth!
— Jazzy
February 3, 2004
Hnestly our psych doc who approves each and every one of us for WLS says
theres as much or more mental emotional and realtionship changes as the
obvious physical ones. I think before giving up on the marriage you
investigatwe councling if only to have a clean conscious for later when
your kids get older and start asking hard questions. I know a lady whos
children never have ANYTHING to do with their mom over something similiar.
All involved are tortured.
— bob-haller
February 4, 2004
when i read profiles or answers guestions, i think of every single one as
something written by a friend and someone i care about. i might not
"KNOW" my fellow AMOS memeber, but i really care about all of
them. when i answered your question i answered you like i would answer my
very best friend. i DON'T think that you are a bad person, but i do think
you need some help and you did need some help or you wouldn't have asked
the question. know that my answer came from my heart. if a friend told me
they were thinking about doing something that could not only hurt
themselves, but their loved ones too.......you better believe i will try my
hardest to stop them ...because I CARE. i have 2 children, have been
married 12 years and i got married at 19. with that being said, i would
like you to re-read your own profile and your question that you asked and
pretend someone else wrote it. after you do that really think about kind of
person wrote it. when someone asks for help by asking questions all we can
do is look at their profile and any information that they gave in their
profile to help them. you didn't say that you had problems with your
husband, you said that you are getting compliments at work and are thinking
about an affair. without all the add info that sounds really vain and
selfish. i was just trying to do the best i could and help someone i care
about .."you". in your profile you wrote that you wanted a better
life. if you are having problems with your husband, it's better to end it
with him before moving on to someone else. eventhou your feeling for you
husband might have changed remember he is still your childrens father. by
having an affair you not only disrespect him but your own children. if you
want a better life start it out with a clean slate. best of luck to you
— franbvan
February 4, 2004
I wish you the best also. Try this site, it helps me their is alot of
support their for these kind of issues and more. THere are also other wls
patients there to talk to.
www.ahealinghouse.com
Good luck
el
— superellen
February 4, 2004
I think I remember your post from yesterday about getting all geared up to
have an affair... <br> <br>
1. Does anyone answering questions have a crystal ball? How else are we
supposed to know ever detail unless you TELL US THE WHOLE STORY?<br>
2. You get as complex an answer as your informatoin provides.<br>
3. No one hunted you down to answer your question - you put it out there,
asking for input.<br>
4. You said, "I am not going to tell my life history for hundreds to
read." Well, actually, you put it out here for literally thousands to
read, and asked us what we thought. So why are you yelling at us now? If
you just want some to agree with you, stand in front of the mirror and talk
to HER.
— m K.
February 4, 2004
I stand by the answer I posted yesterday. If you want a new person , end
this relationship first. cheating disresects yourself, your husband,(who if
nothing else seems to be the father of your childrenw hatever else you feel
about him) and your kids. I personally married 25 years ago at 17 &
my husb was 19. that is still no excuse to go catting around. No husband
or wife for that matter is perfect. It takes work on BOTH sides to make a
relationship work. I have always said if you have a relationship w/ a
married person all you get is a person who will cheat. I personally would
never trust some one who cheated while married or who had an afair w/ a
married person. It is not just about what feels good at the time. It is
about values.
— **willow**
February 4, 2004
My surgeon told all of us pre ops in a meeting that IF our
marraige was on the rocks now , we would most likely end up in a divorce
when we lost our weight and gained our self respect back .. So I think its
a valid concern to address .. He also said not to act on any feelings we
may be having while hormones were amuck do to surgert and quick weight loss
. I went through these feeling too and they have subsided . If you want to
talk one on one about the feelings you are having email me at nan054
@aol.com .. Love Ruthie
— ruthie
February 4, 2004
Geez, you guys have some pretty hostile responses and I don't know if it is
just me, but they seem a tad bit inappropriate, I understand that you may
not agree with the motives that she has, but we are here to support
eachother on this site, that does not mean condone it, but if you don't
then have some tack in what you are saying and offer some geniune
responses, not attack her.
— christinacarl
February 4, 2004
Maria, this is why I don't post anything personal on this site. Some of
these people are wicked. Anyway, personally speaking you are a young ,
pretty (that's right yall) pretty woman and you should shout it out loud.
We as overweight people( and I still say overweight because we will always
see ourselves as being so) don't have enough confident in ourselves. Like
you, I've been told all my life especially by women that I am pretty and
I'm glad that I am, It's the only thing I had to hold on to all these
years, but If I had to live one day of my life happy with another person
who will love me, carress me and enjoy me, me, me , I'll trade it in any
day for 15 years of meserie.
Girl dump that lump....Find someone to make you feel as beautiful as you
are... Your kids will be alright. When I left my child's father it was
such a load off of HER shoulders .... You can't bring a child up in a
physical or abusive relationship, in the long run it doesn't help them only
hurts. Don't let these people bring you down, only you knows how you feel
about your husband. Believe me you can do bad by yourself.... I left mine
when she was five....My daughter is in her 2nd year of college and only 18,
graduated with honors and a beautiful adjusted child
Honey I have no regrets..... I'm not saying have an affair...What I'm
saying is if it's not working out then get out. Good luck
— Rebe W.
February 4, 2004
Maria, You asked a very personal question and you gave very little
information. You can't fault people for responding when you use a public
forum for a very private matter. <p>Furthermore, you are getting
responses from people with varied backgrounds and differences in moral
values. So the way I see it--you are the one being judgmental and angry
because of the responses you got. You asked--we answered. <p>I didn't
answer your question yesterday because personally I am really disgusted by
selfish people like yourself who think only of themselves. It's all about
you. Nobody else matters. Certainly not your children--not your friends,
family, husband, etc. Where do you get the idea that you have a right to be
happy above everyone else? You brought 4 children into the world who don't
deserve to come from a broken home, to almost certainly be followed by new
boyfriends/girlfriends,casual sex sleepovers, step-parents, step-siblings,
favoritism, followed by more relationship break-ups, and the list goes on
and on. And we wonder why kids are so angry today? <p>If you do this,
it WILL backfire on you. You will lose your kids's respect and maybe even
their love. They will hold it against you whether they tell you or not. It
will affect their future relationships with significant others. You
see--it's not just about YOU. You don't have the luxury to think only of
yourself. Please get help. If you believe in the God of the Bible, then
read it for direction and listen to what He has to say about it. (p)There
are only three valid reasons for divorce. Dr. Laura calls them "The
Three 'A's" - Adultery, Abuse, Addictions. If any of these exist in
your situation, then you have a valid reason to end the marriage, but you
MUST NOT do it through having an affair. End the marriage and preserve your
self-respect and the respect of your kids and others involved. Then when
you get emotionally healthy enough to handle another relationship, move
forward very cautiously. I really do wish you the best. Don't make the
mistake of cheapening yourself in the eyes of your kids and yourself.
Please email me if you want help. I am here for anyone who asks.
— artistmama
February 4, 2004
My take on affairs is they do no good for anyone involved, however...no one
lives your life for you but you. You have to make the decisions that
impact your life, and you can justify anything you want badly enough. It
really does sound like you are in an unhappy situation....and to me, you
should end that first...then involved yourself with someone else. We all
make decisions that we may later regret, and this tends to be one of those.
What seems like a good and valid reason now, you may later kick yourself
in the hiney over.
You are asking a moral question here that everyone has a different opinion
about, so you will definitely get a varied amount of answers...but what
truly matters is what you think and feel you should do. Take what comments
you find useful and ditch the rest.
Good luck to you, and no matter what you chose, may it work out for the
best.
Shannon
— M. Me
February 4, 2004
Hi, hope I won't be perceived as wicked, just pragmatic. I'm sorry your
marrage is broken down. If the marrage is not fixable you probably should
move on for your sake and the sake of your children. However...this does
not mean for your own gratification in any way. Now would be the time to
concentrate on raising your wonderful children, giving them the best start
on life they could possibly have. Unfortunately when you bore these
children you put that part of your life wherein you could be a little
selfish on hold. When they are all raised and on their own, then maybe you
could venture out for your own sake, but to do so before would be awful in
my opinion. Other writers have said it better, but now is a time to be
happy with yourself and your children.
— Mark
February 4, 2004
yeeeeeesh!!
My name is wes and I ain't even gettin' into this mess!!
— rhonni37
February 4, 2004
Hi Maria, I don't know what happened with your other post, but for what
it's worth, here are my two cents. First, I think the fact that you posted
such a personal issue in such a public forum shows that you really do want
help and really do want to hear input from others. Your posting about all
this is a good thing in some ways because it can help you step outside
yourself and see your position from the wide and varied points of view of
others. When we are hurting it is often very helpful to bounce our
feelings off of someone else who is not as involved as we are in the
situation. You've gotten a wide variety of responses but realistically,
none of us here are in a position to judge whether or not a divorce is what
is best for you and your family. We don't know you personally, don't know
your husband (there are two sides to every story), and don't know your
children. So no one here should JUDGE you for what you are thinking and
feeling because they don't truly *know* you. That having been said,
however, I personally am opposed to divorce under all but the most extreme
circumstances. Marriage is tough - nobody said it would be easy. I am a
pain in the butt to live with and so is my husband. LOL Many is the time
that I've thought about leaving him - after 12 years of marriage, he's done
more than a few things to get under my skin. But then I have to look at
MYSELF ... sometimes I demand more than I give. Sometimes I am
disrespectful, unappreciative and ungrateful of what I have. Sometimes I
am incredibly selfish, thinking of only my own needs and not his. It takes
work to stay with the same person your whole life and I knew that when I
got married - that's why I didn't get married until I was 30. And when
there are kids involved, that is even more of a reason to STAY ... not
leave. Again, divorce, except under the most extreme of circumstances
(adultery, abuse, addiction), is ALWAYS bad for kids. We may think our
kids are strong, we may think they can handle it and we may think they
would even AGREE with it. But I've seen the effects of divorce on many,
many kids and the scars last forever. No one wants to come from a broken
family. And think of the message it sends to them about marriage! Anyway,
I'm just speaking in generalities, knowing nothing about your situation,
BUT, please consider at least going to marriage counseling. If there is
any hope left, please take hold of it. And you might consider reading Dr.
Laura's new book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands." I
just finished it, and it is wonderful. No, it doesn't tell you that the
responsibility of the marriage is all on YOU ... but it does tell you that
you do have a great deal of responsibility for making it work. It also
tells you that you have tremendous POWER to make a huge, wonderful change
in your marriage and make it BETTER. I have to admit I thought I was a
pretty good wife until I read this book! LOL But then I saw myself on
almost every page and I was ashamed at how much I took this man for granted
and how much I expected of HIM when I wasn't giving anything back. Very
eye-opening. In any event, I certainly wish you the best of luck and my
sincere prayers that everything will work out in the best interests of your
entire family. God bless. Hugs, Jody :)
— MomBear2Cubs
February 4, 2004
I have to ditto Brenda Z.'s response a million times over. Well said. If
you can't handle the answers don't ask the questions.
— Kristen S.
February 4, 2004
"Beauty is effortless if you have a nice personality and are indeed
beautiful." The last line of your profile.... I think you may need
to work on it.
— Ellie H.
February 4, 2004
Just my opinion...no matter what you ask here, you will almost always get
some nasty, judgemental comments (no matter what the subject is). I am
mostly a lurker because it seems like whenever you post you get slammed. I
don't go to this site as often as I used to because I don't care for all
the negativity. To each their own. Live and let live.
— Penny D.
February 4, 2004
Ahh I think this is a personal issue we have all had to deal with in one
form or another. Remain married look around for someone else etc... So we
know we made the right choice not cheating or looking around. As such we
KNOW were right and need to confirm that with others. Kinda like LAP vs
Open or adj band vs RNY or DS. It makes us opiniated. Perhaps if the poster
is a church goer they should talk with their clergy? In any case it effects
not just them but their children too. As such its a lot to consider. Coming
from a broken family with no dad around I have my own views:(
— bob-haller
February 4, 2004
Maria, I answered yesterday too. You actually did include alot more info
today than we had to go on yesterday but in reading the comments, everyone
is still almost unanimous that you should either remain in the marriage
(unless one of the 3 A's were violated) or have the decency to divorce your
husband before having an affair. Its the right thing to do. Even if he
does not take you serious when you say you want out, well, you can still go
to court and file. Also, I agree with the others, when you put your
personal info out there and ask for an opinion/advice, you will get all
sorts of responses to include judgemental ones. Theres no rule here that
says only nice agreeable comments need reply.
— Cindy R.
February 4, 2004
I know what abusive relationships are like because my daughter was in one.
So I understand. BUT, My question is if it was that bad why did you not
leave him before you lost the weight? I think you need to really search
your soul and talk to someone before you make a decision that will not only
effect you but others.
— cindylou56
February 4, 2004
I am sorry you are having prolems.. However you may not be aware that the
majority of us that are married have had our share of difficulties &
problems .. It just seems to come with the rest of life's little twists.
Everyone who participates in this site will help others out from time to
time, but in your case I think you need to talk to a close friend or
therapist.. You are putting some very personal info out there but also you
are not putting out enough to show the situation clearly... You are
planning on taking a very serious step and in my opinion all avenues should
be explored first.. Best of luck & I hope you find happiness.
— Anne T.
February 4, 2004
Let me start off by saying, I get this message board email to learn health
information (mental and physical), I think it is a waste of my time to read
people posting senseless nonsense and then taking up alot of space to rant
about the replys they got to their senseless nonsense!!!!! It is not fair
to anyone who is truley looking for help to have to wade through all of
this garbage!!! Should I have an affair is not a question for this board,
because it has nothing to do with WLS, (you said so yourself), he was not
there before either. So take it somewhere else, this is not a counseling
session nor a boxing ring. I think most of us would agree, we want useful
information!!!!
— GAYLE CARMACK-LYONS
February 4, 2004
I am not going to beat up on you because I understand, although I dont
agree. I am going to respond to this from a view that only I know and that
is as a Christian. I am not sure if it pertains to your or not. When we
get married it is for better or worse and until ONLY DEATH do we part. It
doesnt say unless there is adultery, addiction or abuse, or anthing else
for that matter. Coming from my point of view marriage is forever. Yes,
it has its ups and downs, good and bad. But it is forever. God hates
divorce and really only sees adultery as a reason for divorce and even then
it is still wrong because it took adultery to get you to divorce anyway.
Even if there is abuse, addiction, whatever, it is still wrong to divorce.
If this is the reason for wantin gto divorce, then seek counseling for
whatever the problem is. However, it is ohaky to separate, but NOT divorce.
Once again I am only speaking from a Christian perspective. Now there may
be controversy on this, I dont care. It is my belief and what I have
always learned and been taught from scripture. Divorce is wrong for any
reason. Divorce is not the answer. The answer is fixing what the problem
is that is leading you to want a divorce in the first place. Having an
affair is NOT going to fix anything. You and your hubby need counseling. I
hope you seek counseling from whomever you seek spiritual guidance.
— Lisa G.
February 5, 2004
Maria, The only thing I can say is this, the worst way to end a
relationship, either with a long term lover or a spouse, is by going out
and having an affair. You best bet, just move out, get your divorce, then
do what you want. If you have an affair during your marriage, you will
carry the guilt of that with you. Start your life on a clean sheet
instead, please. Thank you.
— Huntsmen
February 5, 2004
PLEASE NOTE-THE CAPS ARE NOT YELLING, THEY ARE JUST TO SHOW SEPARATION OF
WHAT THE POSTER SAID AND WHAT I'M SAYING ;) POSTER, YOU ASKED SO HERE IS
MY 2 CENTS...
POSTER SAID "When I say an affair is coming it is because my DH (damn)
will not take me serious when I say I want out. IF YOU WANT OUT THEN GET
OUT, PERIOD.
I am not leaving someone who has been by my side when I was fat, just
because he was there does not mean he was REALLY there! At one time I think
I was settling but now I don't have to have a man to be a whole
woman." "just understand this is well thought out and the man's
time has ran out."
SOUNDS LIKE WHAT YOU REALLY WANT IS A DIVORCE FROM A HUSBAND WHO HAS NOT
BEEN THERE FOR YOU. THIS IS UNDERSTANDABLE BUT HAVE THE 2 OF YOU HAD ANY
COUNSELLING FOR ANY OF YOUR "COUPLE" ISSUES? MAYBE YOU GUYS
SHOULD TRY THAT BEFORE YOU THROW IN THE TOWEL.
POSTER SAID "And is is vain to say that my body still looks okay after
4 kids and a 15 year marriage?" IS THIS SUPPOSED TO MAKE AN AFFAIR
OK, JUST BECAUSE YOUR BODY LOOKS OK? GEEZ, MANY OF US HAVE NICER FIGURES
AFTER WLS BUT WE DON'T GO OUT AND HAVE AN AFFAIR TO CONFIRM THE FACT. NOT
ACCEPTABLE.
POSTER SAID "I am not vain or stuck on myself, actually I am quite the
opposite." "I have a pretty face but I always have been told
that." YOU HAVE MENTIONED YOUR "BEAUTY" SEVERAL TIMES
BETWEEN YOUR 2 POSTED QUESTIONS AND YOUR PROFILE. YOU DO SOUND OBSESSED
WITH YOUR LOOKS, WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET OLD? WILL YOU STILL BE
"BEAUTIFUL"? BEAUTY HAS MORE TO DO WITH THE KIND OF WOMAN YOU
ARE RATHER THAN HOW YOU LOOK IN MAKEUP AND CLOTHING, OR NAKED FOR THAT
MATTER. YOUR "BEAUTY" SHOULD NOT BE SO IMPORTANT TO YOU THAT YOU
HAVE TO KEEP MENTIONING IT HERE. WE REALLY DON'T CARE IF YOU ARE
"BEAUTIFUL" OR NOT. YOU ASKED ABOUT HAVING AN AFFAIR. MY
OPINION IS 'NO'! IF YOU GET A DIVORCE FIRST THEN YOUR LOVE LIFE IS NOT AN
AFFAIR, IT'S DATING. AFFAIRS ARE TOTALLY DISTRESPECTFUL OF ALL PEOPLE
INVOLVED INCLUDING YOUR KIDS. YOU DON'T NEED TO HAVE AN AFFAIR TO RUIN YOUR
MARRIAGE, YOUR MARRIAGE SOUNDS LIKE IT DOESN'T NEED AN EXCUSE TO END. SO
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR....
— mary ann T.
February 5, 2004
hi there! can I invite you to my yahoo gastric bypass support group? they
are such accepting and wonderful people. I think you may get some more
useful comments there. LMK, click on my profile and email me.
— Carol S.
February 5, 2004
Hi--I was going to pass on your question, to keep out of the controversy,
but when I read the post about Divorce being a bad thing and to stick with
marriage no matter what, I had to put my 2 cents in. I am all for
marriage...I was married as a teen, had 3 kids by 22 and a young
grandmother. However, my husband and I married too young for HIM and he
wanted out around age 40....I tried in vain to keep the marriage intact,
but one day I said to myself "why would anyone want to be with someone
who wanted out?" so I agreed to a friendly divorce and even though I
am still unmarried at 62, know it was for the best. I did a lot of
independent, character building things in my life that would have been
impossible in an unhappy marriage. Life is too short to be miserable, and
everyone has to do what they feel is best. I feel very badly for all the
unhappy men and women "trapped" into relationships because of
religious or moral or other pressures. That is wrong to me. I am sorry
you are unhappy, but give your husband some time to realize that it will be
for the best...a friendly divorce is much better than one being hurt. Good
luck.
— tealady41
February 5, 2004
Maria, If you don't already, you need to find a support group. There are so
many people on this site. So the respond was not going to be all good
respond. My only comment is to put god first and formost in your life and
no matter what anyone say always respect and love yourself.
— Renee W.
February 5, 2004
I'm not being judgemental, but I don't see why you would post this here.
This is a question and answer list about weight loss surgery, so that
people can do research so it sound like you need a list/board that focuses
on relationships instead.
You say that your marriage was bad before WLS and it's bad now, so I don't
see it as a WLS issue. I don't see how having an affair will help
anything. You say that he's not there for you, has never been there for
you, and that you're ready to go it alone - so why not go it alone instead
of contemplating an affair? An affair is never the right answer. Either
get the counseling and do the work to try and save your marriage or end it.
It sounds like you've already ended it, in your heart and in your mind to
me...so why would you cheat when you could make a clean break of it and be
honest?
— sandsonik
February 5, 2004
I thought I should relate this sad story. A friend cheated on her hubby and
they eventually got divorced. The affair ended when my friends divorce was
final. The guy no longer wanted her since she was available. The lady went
on to find a new boyfriend and they got engaged:) Unfortunately he heard
about the affair and dumped his fiance saying once a cheater always a
cheater. He believed she would do it to him one day. The lady was alone and
miserable after several failed realtionships she tried getting back
together with her original hubby. He played along for awhile then dumped
her for spite, as he admitted it. At this time the lady is alone and quit
taking care of herself. Its very sad but some friends said she got what she
deserved. I hope this doesnt happen to you.
— bob-haller
February 5, 2004
I agree with most of the others, get a divorce FIRST,but this is a reply to
Lisa who has her head in the sand and says there is NO good reason for a
divorce. Well, how about
when your husband discovers amphetamines and decides it's pretty fun to
try and kill his wife by kicking her to death? Well, Lisa, I personally
felt that was a VERY good reason for a divorce, unfortunately I ended up
with a skull fracture before the divorce was through.
— Connie M.
February 5, 2004
To Gayle and others who responded that way....it's not taking up space.
There's no limit to how much can be posted here. If it wasn't posted on
this space, it would be posted on another website taking up cyberspace
there. And it is ridiculous....no it is ludicrous to say that it is a
waste of your time.....the only waste of time is caused by YOU, not the
poster.....YOU are the ones who clicked on this question....you didn't have
to open this question up at all and could have scrolled on by....so your
curiosity is what caused your so-called "waste of time". Just my
2 cents worth.<p>
To the poster....you don't need your husband's permission to get out of the
marriage. If it's over, then that's that. Don't go out and have an
affair....you know it's wrong or you wouldn't be asking. Good luck to you.
— Lynette B.
February 5, 2004
I forgot to mention to LISA below....you said marriage was for life
"for better or worse". I'm a christian too, in fact, I'm an
ordained Deacon in a christian church, and where I think someone should
work on their marriage with counseling or whatever else is available to
them, I don't believe that God would look down upon us if we got out of a
marriage where we were severely abused. Do you really believe that God
would expect a person to stay with a husband who routinely beat up or
sexually molested his 5 year old daughter? Would you stay with your
husband simply because your are a Christian if you knew he was having sex
with your 7 year old daughter? I know it says "for better or
worse", but it doesn't mean that "worse"! Our God is a
loving and forgiving God....if it were me, I'd worry more about whether my
God could forgive me for allowing it to happening by staying there and
keeping the child near her father.
— Lynette B.
February 6, 2004
Two points: Don't judge others unless you have walked a mile in their
shoes 2. With all the controversy over this question isn't is interesting
that more people responded to this than other more relevant to WLS
questions? What is that all about? Hummmmmmm..
— Mylou52
February 6, 2004
GREAT POST MARIA! I WISH YOU NOTHING BUT THE BEST. TRUST YOUR OWN
HEART...NONE OF US KNOW WHAT YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH AND THE REASONS YOU ARE
CONSIDERING THIS SO I SAY DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU.
ALL THE LUCK IN THE WORLD MARIA!
JOSII*
— meltedbuttr
February 9, 2004
This is in reply to Lynnettes response. You have really gotten off topic.
But you went there so I will respond. My apologies now to those who are
offended. Yes, i am a christian, a practicing christian. A deacon is held
even more accountable for their actions, and definitely should not divorce.
A deacon divorcing in my church would not be a deacon. Have you read your
bible lately. There is NO EXCUSE FOR DIVORCE. Dont get mad at me for
speaking the truth, take it out on GOD, its his word not mine. Nowhere
does it state in the bible that you can divorce beacuse of this or because
of that. The problems most of us have when we marry is we never knew him
or her before the marriage. In direct resposne to your question, if my
husband was a molestor in the marriage he was a molestor before the
marriage. Many people marry without knowing who or what we are marrying.
Once agin as the bible states there is no reason to divorce. If there are
problems in the marriage then get help. If it doesnt work then leave,
separate. According to the GOD I serve, that is okay to do for any reason.
If my child was being molested I would definitely leave, but I would NOT
divorce (and I follow GOD's laws not mine). I would protect my child so
that she never has contact with him again. However, I would live the rest
of my life as GOD intended, married until death do us part (separated)
hopefully with him in jail and I would be happy doing so. And as you
mentioned your husband beat your head in. I am sorry that happened to you.
Noone deserves that, I would leave too. Your husband obviously wasnt a
christian and if he was he was definitely off track. I never said not to
leave, I said divorce is not an option. You can make assumptions all you
want about would our GOD want us to suffer through this or that, of course
he would not that is whay we have the WORD in the first place. It is a
blueprint for Christians. It gives exacts and not assumptions of what GOD
says. It doesnt deviate. It doesnt say we can change it according to
situations in our lives. Sorry if this offends any of you.
— Lisa G.
February 9, 2004
WOW! This is a very emotional topic. This is probably a ridiculous
question but I'm going to ask anyway - as WLS patients, are we so angry
about this because we feel passionately about this specific issue or are we
so angry because we have nowhere to put anger anymore. We can no longer
turn to food so we turn on each other. Lots of anger here. Maria - my
hope is that you will search your heart for the right answer and find the
support you need. I don't believe in having an affair but I am thankful
that we live under God's GRACE and not the old testament LAW. Get yourself
and your children in a healthy, happy environment and things will fall into
place. I hope you are not too intimidated by the anger represented here -
only you know how bad your situation really is. I believe you will do the
right thing. Best wishes.
— ronascott
February 9, 2004
I never read your original post and have skimmed the answers to this post,
but here's my initial reaction and yes, it may seem harsh because you need
someone to shake you up a little.
GROW UP!! To me you don't sound like a self-assured, responsible woman.
You sound like someone who needs constant reassurance that she's desirable
and let me tell you...the people who will pay the most in the end if you
keep on this path are those 4 children of yours. And no, they won't
respect you if you have an affair. As one person put it, if the marriage
is over, get out. But should you choose to get out of the marriage, I hope
you give yourself time to understand what the need for attention from a man
other than your husband was all about. There's something deeper and sadder
going on here than a marriage that isn't working. And until you learn to
truly love who you are, fat or thin, you will never be the mother those
children need nor a very good friend to yourself. I wish you luck.
— antiques55
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