Question:
Need answer for mom's complaints about me having surgery

I can't take it. I knew my mom never really supported me having surgery, but has acted better than I expected. So she gives me the one line I have run out of answers to: "I hate that we can't talk about food like we use to, especially with the holidays coming up." I have let her know I still love to talk about food, and I love to cook. I have told her that I have just expanded my horizons to include healthier ways to prepare the same food, ie sugarless. Still she insists it isn't the way it use to be. (Was 10 weeks ago that much different than today?) What are some kind, loving, but DEFINATE answers to her? (She did sigh in jealousy(?) that I am down to 215#) Thanks for your answers.    — candylnd24 (posted on October 4, 2003)

October 4, 2003
Hi Elizabeth: I don't think there is an answer to your mom's comment. (At least I can't think of a good one for you.) I think you're right, and there's some emotional issue she has to work through that has nothing to do with actually talking about food with you. I think it's that your whole food issue has changed. Not only doesn't she want to talk about making stuff you can't eat, but also you won't be enjoying what she does make the way you used to etc. I'm sure your mom's enjoyment of providing good tasting foods for you, and seeing you enjoy it will be a real lose to her. It's likely that her enjoyment of food was passed to you and her eating habits too. So maybe she feels bad thinking she's partly to blame for you needing to have surgery? Or you could be right, and it could be jealousy too. I think you just need to get through this as best you can. As you can eventually eat more that will probably help. Just tell her you love her, and you'll be able to eat holiday meals next year no problem. S
   — sherry hedgecock

October 4, 2003
Elizabeth~ Barbara Thompson has a terrific 'Letter for Significant Others' in her book that can also be found on her website, www.wlscenter.com I HIGHLY recommend you print it and share it with your Mother! It's a wonderful letter and prospective look at our decision to have WLS and the foundations behind it. I shared it with my Husband to help ease his fears & hesitancy early on in my research period. I even heard, a few weeks later, that he was quoting the letter to people who would ask him how he felt about my decision to have weight loss surgery! It was an invaluable tool for me. I too have heard my own Mother tell my brother and sister, 'Now don't you eat that in front of Michelle!' I'll just laugh and say, 'Mother! What if I want some too?!!!' She has learned that this surgery doesn't prevent me from having the things I love, it just makes me have them 'smarter'. *HUGS* Open RNY 1/3/03 330/200/175
   — chelle3081

October 4, 2003
Hi Elizabeth- How about the next time mom starts an "I hate it that....." statement, you counter with "But I LOVE it that I can now stand in the kitchen longer to help you", or "I LOVE it that my BP and cholesterol are down", etc. You get the idea. Tell her that just for today, you want to hear positive statements only, such as "I love it when we spend time in the kitchen cooking together". Ask her if she'd rather see you eating a hearty plate of Holiday food, or suffering from the MO that made so many Holidays difficult for you in the past. Hopefully that will help her see the other side of the picture :o) Good Luck
   — Mea A.

October 4, 2003
if it were me i would say......."your right it isn't ever going to be the way it used to be, that way of eating made me very unhealty. i'm so excited in learning new recipes and ways to eat. besides, now we can have a few things that people can eat and not feel guilty about. it will be fun thinking of new ways to make something healthy actually taste good!"
   — franbvan

October 4, 2003
I think your mom may be feeling a lost connection - many of us have food as a building block in our relationships. I would tell her that you understand what she means, but that the opportunity to be around longer, to live healthier and happier, is worth the tradeoff to you - and you hope it is for her as well. That your relationship may shift around a little, but that is part of the change you have committed to.
   — bethybb

October 5, 2003
People, especially family, have so much wrapped up in our weight, more than I had realized. My sister does not talk to me as much as she used to and my mother just confessed that she feels bad and like a pig eating in front of me now. We are having Thanksgiving at my house and I still love to cook and entertain and I love to feed people but she was in tears telling me this. She has her own weight issues and is now awaiting surgery but I did not realize how much we talked about the misery of being fat before. We don't talk about that anymore and she thinks that I forget how it felt to be MO. People need time to adjust and realize that it still you but with less padding. Also at 10 weeks I would not call my eating normal so people around me were uncomfortable. Now my mother says, "Wow, you can eat that???" and she is starting to feel a little more comfortable as are others.
   — Carol S.