Question:
Ok, here it goes...I haven't admitted or talked about this to anyone .....

I am happily married to a wonderful man. I have lost all of my weight, and am at goal. I look good for the first time in my life and feel terrific. What's the problem you ask? Well, I'm having thoughts about what it would be like to be "wanted" by a man other than my husband. I feel SO guilty even admitting this. My whole life I've been overweight with a low self esteem. I didn't date at all and luckily my husband saw through my weight and married me for my good qualities instead. But since I've become a new woman on the outside, men look at me now and I can't help wondering what it would be like to be in the dating scene again as a "normal" size woman - having lots of choices in men. Isn't that awful? I have dreams about men coming on to me and catering to me and telling me how beautiful I am. I would never tell my husband about this because I'd never want to hurt him - he's so precious to me - but I don't trust myself if a handsome, successful man came on to me. I wonder if I might stray and I feel so badly even admitting that!! Anyone else fighting these feelings? Part of me wishes I wasn't married and could date lots of different men now and have the life I never had. How pitiful. I'm so depressed over this! Thanks for any help you can give or similar feelings you can share. Please don't send hurtful messages, I don't need that, I already feel guilty enough and I haven't even done anything except had these thoughts and feelings!I haven't seen this issue addressed before. Maybe I'm the only freak! — michelle T. (posted on August 5, 2003)

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August 5, 2003
There is nothing wrong with fantasizing about other men as long as you do not obsess on the fantasies. You are not a freak - it is normal especially having gone through such a life changing event such as major weight loss. Men Will look and even flirt with you. As you said your husband is precious to you you love him and he was the only one to fall in love with the person that you really are. Would that handsome successful man have given you the time of day before or would he have probabally made fun of you behind your back? Would he love you as youe husband does? Would he really treat you right or would he just want the beautiful body that you now have? Keep ypur fantasies - be flattered by the looks and comments( they really boost the self esteem) - but always remember who really loves you and who deep down you really love. Think about how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot and don't throw away a good thing. There are a lot of beautiful unhappy people out there that do not have what you do. Good Luck -
— dianekoch

August 5, 2003
Wow... I think you're probably very typical for those of us who were overweight all our lives.. adult and childhood. I certainly understand what you're feeling and think that what makes us mature adults is how we act on these feelings. If you really love your husband, then you'll fantasize.. think, look, enjoy the attention and go home to him each night. If not, then you need to decide how to act on this. Please don't agonize.. or feel depressed -- smile about it... really its a good thing. I have very similar feelings, although I must admit they're not about men, I'm a lesbian. I'm having all kinds of regret that I didn't do this single, that I didn't do it when I was younger. My partner laughs, I come home each day and say.. I'm going to become a nurse, a personal trainer, a ballerina, a doctor .. and a COP. I want to do it all, all the things I never did.. and never thought I could do. I do notice men looking at me and I like it -- more in the "can't touch this" kind of way... not mean but its my little fun -- something I've never felt before. Enjoy the attention and the fantasies in a healthy way -- you're ALLOWED.. you're married, but not dead. If you don't trust yourself, then don't put yourself in ANY situation where you don't feel you could resist. Good luck, you're not a freak -- I think people just don't talk about this stuff often. Do you have a support group.. or therapy group you could talk to about this?
— Lisa C.

August 5, 2003
Hi Michelle, please don't feel "pitiful". I think what you are feeling is normal, anytime we've been obese for a long period of time it's normal to enjoy the attention, especially from men since we didn't feel like we could get or deserved that attention when we were overweight. Are there any unresolved issues/resentments between you and your husband that are making you feel like "another man" would be better to you? I would suggest that you maybe consider seeing a therapist, counselor or pastor to help you work through your feelings and help you learn how to deal with being a different person on the outside. I can tell by what you wrote that you are feeling terrible. Talk to someone that can help you address what is really going on in your head and your heart. I suspect that the "wondering about another man" is just a symptom of some other feelings, because it sounds like you truly love your husband. Good luck!
— beeda

August 5, 2003
hummm i have a suggestion, but it might seem crazy. i have been married 11 years and very very happily and would never cheat, but that doesn't mean you can't be a sexy desirable woman either. you sound like you love your husband very much and that he has stood by you. remember new love is always the best in the begining...and then the newness wears off. if you love your husband and want to be with him then don't do anything that could hurt him. think if it were reversed. ok..now for the plan lol. it feels soooo great to have men look at you with "that look". why don't you just think of yourself as "a very hot desirable sexy goddess that can only be looked at and lusty after but never touched!" i know feeling sexy is a very powerful feeling...and it makes us feel good. but even more powerful is being someone a man can only think about but never cross the line. i am not saying flirt, because if your husband did this i am sure it would hurt you. when you feel good and sexy about yourself you will come off this way to other people. just think of yourself (when it comes to other men) as the woman who has it all , a loving husband, great looks and lots of sex appeal. if you love your husband don't stray because the grass is not always greener. by the way there are many men and women who feel the same way that you do, so don't feel so bad. true love is when the person you love can look into your eyes and you look back into theirs and see your soul reflected back to you. they can look past the person you want to be or the person you are trying to be, and see the person you really are....and they still love you for it. good luck
— franbvan

August 5, 2003
Hi Michelle, I can relate. I love my hubby dearly, and wouldn't do anything (I hope) to jeapordize our marriage. I'm more *curious* than anything about how guys would react to me all dressed up in a club or dancing, but I won't bring myself to do it even under the pretense of "oh it's just exercise" because I don't want the temptation (gawd knows I'm very self indulgent). I have had guys flirt with me, even a very attractive "professional" at work. He was running to catch up with me during my lunch time walk. I found it very exciting at first and would find myself looking for him...but then I remembered those nasty first post op nights while hubby helped wipe my poopie behind and how he looked at me with tears in his eyes because of the pain I was in (I had complications)...and I changed my walk time to avoid this guy. I *am* extremely curious, and would LOVE to flirt, but what I have with my husband (and that was just one example of how wonderful he can be) is far more important to me. Oh yeah he can piss me off sometimes too, but overall...I got a great one and wanna keep him. Just a long winded way of saying I can relate!!! -Kim open RNY 7/17/01 -145ish
— KimBo36

August 5, 2003
You need to get into counseling so you can find a way to work through these desires and feelings. If you truly want to save your marriage then this is a must. At some point it will be necessary to tell your husband so he can understand you and your new body and feelings. He just may surprise you and rise to the occassion and become that romantic so that you would never want to stray.
— zoedogcbr

August 5, 2003

— sissie S.

August 5, 2003
I think your feelings are perfectly understandable.There is nothing wrong with fantasizing and dreaming about someone else other than your husband as long as you do not act on them.However I would worry about the reasoning behind your fantasies because you stated that you are afraid that you would act on them, if the opportunity presented itself.It does seem to me like a self esteem issue and I think that can be a common issue for people who have been overweight.When you are overweight I think a void can be created from lack of self esteem,self worth and for some people from the lack of attention from the opposite sex.The truth is you do get more attention from the opposite sex when you lose weight.You can get a feeling of gratification from that attention even if it's negative attention.It can be a great self esteem booster and it can feel like it is filling that void or need.But that void should be filled with something positve not negative.Negative in your situation because you said that you are happily married and your husband is precious to you.If you act on your fantasies you could jeopordize that.So you might initially get the short term gratification from it but how about long term?.I would try to get that self esteem issue and void in your life filled with a positive action.I would try to build your self esteem from within yourself.You might try to role play and fantasize with your husband.Set up dates with your husband where you each pretend to be strangers who have just met.That might be enough to satisfy you.Also I would seek some individual counseling to discuss your feelings and underlying issues that might be causing them.Good luck to you!
— jennifer A.

August 5, 2003
I think you are having some pretty normal thoughts and reactions. Talk with your husband starting with how much you love him and would NEVER EVER leave him but would like some adventure in your love life. If he agrees, both of you should dress up totally different than you normally would and go out for the evening, but pretend to be total strangers--even pick out new names, jobs, hobbies etc... Let him pick you up (or pick him up!) and spend a wonderful night at a motel.
— Kathy J.

August 5, 2003
I always promised myslef that I would find a man when i was heavy rather than skinny. I had been skinny once before and men wanted me cause i was beautiful on the outside. Once I gained weight, I wasn't so desired and guys looked through me. See, now, I found a wonderful that loved me inside and out...Weight and all. I would never dream of leaving him because he saw past everything and saw the simple beauty of me. It is nice to feel wanted, but when the chips are down, who stood by you?
— Heidi J.

August 5, 2003
You are not alone! When I was in the processing of getting my surgery approved I had the exact same feelings - what would it be like to go out to a bar and pick up a guy, or go back to where I grew up and make all my old fantasies about certain men come true. This got to the point where I was obsessing about it. My husband is wonderful to me, but this wasn't about him - it was about me. Finally after some internal analysis it came to me - this was about me wanting to be accepted. All my life I've been fat, I've never gone to a bar or tried to outright flirt because I was fat. The only people I dated were those who actually knew me, or wanted the obvious from me. I was envisioning myself strutting up to a total stranger and having them think I was HOT and have them fawn over me. Then the ball would be in my court - get it - my thoughts were all about power, control, and deep down acceptance of who I am. Once I realized this, it was so easy to see that it would be a complete waste of my energy to get guys to like my new outside - that somehow I would get a stamp of approval I haven't been able to get before. Acceptance from strangers based on my appearance is meaningless - ridicule isn't fun, but I don't have to have anyone's consent to like myself. Once I got all this together in my head, the urge/obsession was gone.
— bethybb

August 5, 2003
PUHLEEZE! Do you know how hard it is to find a GOOD man? The only reason I'm dating is to find a husband!
— Pamela B.

August 5, 2003
I can understand how you feel, I havent been there yet (pre-op) but maybe this might help.... have you thought about scheduling a date with your husband? you know the kind where maybe you go to a hotel and get ready and then he comes to the door to pick you up and you do all the "frist" date stuff? Maybe it is time to "first date" him all over again. It sounds as if he will love you no matter what so what better then to plan a "tryst" with your hubby? If that does not help I would see a counslor, not because you are crazy or anything but because they are bond to not say anything and it gets your feelings off your chest. Best of luck to you --
— Kim M.

August 5, 2003
Hi! Please don't feel like a freak! I am pre-op, and I have those same feelings. I am in a not so great marriage, so the reality for me is a little different. But, when we are so heavy, I think alot of us take what we can get, and when we are beautiful, more people look at us. I think that your feelings are perfectly normal. You don't sound unhappy in your marriage at all, so I think you are safe there, but there is nothing wrong with a little "fantasy". I hope I don't offend you, but along the same lines of another post...the hotel..."first date" thing is a great idea. Maybe, you could "role play"...pretend you are both different people meeting for the first time...stage different "meeting" spots and "come on" lines, etc. That might give you what you are seeking, and would be fun for him too! Good luck to you, and congratulations!
— jawalker72

August 6, 2003
Wow, first let me say that both Michelle & Beth contributed excellent responses to your question. It seems so superficial to even think about it on one hand, but there is another hand. I have been thin, and yes have had the attention of many men. Actually, I still have some flirting with me at 235 lbs! Anyway, I am always friendly to everyone, including them. I married my high school sweethart and we have been together for 18 years. Two children, 3 cats and 2 dogs later, I still adore him. We have been down roads that most couples would never have survived. He is the love of my life and it sounds like so is yours. That's wonderful for us both. You are having feelings that are sooooo normal, yet dangerous too. I know now how deep relationships are between couples, and yes new relationships are exciting. I understand all that. Please keep in mind that although some handsome, hunky guy is paying you attention....somebody, somewhere is tired of putting up with his shit! Enjoy your new self and when men inquire if you are available, or offer to buy you a drink, simply thank them and tell them you are flattered, but that you are happily married to the love of your life! How wonderful for your husband to have men oogle over the woman on his arm! best of luck
— Angela T.

August 6, 2003
First: Welcome to the human race! :) Now: what you're experiencing is normal, but will you let me give you some advice? You found jewel. Yup, you found the one man among millllllllions who will love you no matter what, in illness and hard times, through your elderly years. So I would recommend marriage counseling FAST to learn about loving all over again. Then calling your largest University with a medical school and enquiring about sexual therapy for the both of you, not to "fix" anything but to discover new ways of being together. Believe me, an affair will leave you terribly sad, hollow and lost. Your poor man will be shocked and in despair, after all he has stood by you. And I beg you NOT to ask him to "understand" but instead ask yourself just how fast you are going to see your pastor, counselor or bestest friend to talk this out and get past it. You are a beautiful woman! Let the world love you. But know that the admiring glances of men will pass in time as we all get older, and you want to wake up next to the one man in the world who has ALWAYS found you beautiful, inside and out. Blessings!!!!
— Deborah M.

August 6, 2003
Michelle - something to remember is that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Your husband stood by you and loved you, no matter how you looked. It is nice to receive attention from men other than your husband, it makes you feel good and reminds you that you are still an attractive woman, but unless you want to throw away what you have built with this man who loves you, do not act on any flirtations. It is ok to flirt, I think it is a completely natural behavior for both men and women, but it should end there. Counseling or some sort of support group may not be a bad idea to help you sort through your feelings and find out what you really want. Good luck to you.
— Dawn P.

August 6, 2003
Michelle, You are not a freak. I'm 46 and now with my weight loss, I have returned to college. Believe it or not, I have 18 to 25 year old me who look, whistle, make cat calls, ask me out - it sort-of feeds this new ego I've developed now being "attractive". I can't say that I would cheat on my husband but I do know some post-ops who have. Go ahead and fantasize - nothing abnormal or "freaky" about that. Try talking with your husband - you would be surprised that he just may understand. He might even be willing to act out some of your fantasies! It's ok to window shop but remember the great man you already have. There is nothing wrong with re-defining your marriage with the new person that you are!
— Susan K.

August 6, 2003
First off let me say your feelings are completely normal! I think the thing to keep in mind...they are ONLY feelings! It doesn't mean you have to act on them. I completely understand your thoughts and feelings, I, too, have a husband, but I do think about being with someone else. It is fun to fantasize and to be honest, I don't know what I would do if the opportunity presented itself. But just remember that your husband loved you unconditionally, he loved you when you were big and he still loves you. That is hard to find! What I have found is the grass always look greener on the other side, but No ONE is perfect and if you stray with another man he will have flaws and the fantasy will turn into reality and sometimes reality just doesn't cut it! Just don't make a decision based solely on feelings because that could get you into trouble and you could lose a really good man who has been there for you through it all! Please feel free to email me if you want to talk further, because I do understand! Good luck to you!
— Denise D.

August 6, 2003
I don't think you're a freak. I'm pretty sure it's normal to have thoughts of what "might have been". Let me tell you though, dating is hell! I have a sitter who is in her 20s, blond, thin and beautiful. She wants to get married and settle down, but can't find anyone she thinks is worth a darn. She gets lots of dates too, men are ALWAYS asking her out, but she thinks they're all shallow. Be glad you've got someone that you know loves you for you. Personally, I am just the opposite when I get attention from men. I get REALLY ticked off at them and think, "You wouldn't have given me the time of day 2 years ago, You wouldn't have taken the time to talk to me then, so who needs 'ya". How warped is that! The grass is definitely not greener on the other side based on what my single friends say. I'm glad I have someone that I know loves me for me and not for how I look (although he's pretty happy with that these days LOL). I figure it's safe to say that when we're old and gray, he won't be trading me in for a younger model either.
— mom2jtx3

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