Question:
Worried Husband will try to sabotage, maybe subconsiously?
OKay, so as I look towards insurance approval i get worried. (Married three years May 6th, with 2 beautiful little girls.) My husband it tired of hearing about this surgery, yet he won't let me tell him how my life will change and how it may affect our family. (He really hasn't let me talk to him much about this at all, thinks he knows it all) SO here is a bit of history. Oct 2001 I had gallbladder removal. They day after I came home he insisted I didn't cook (that was nice) but also insisted we go to Burger King (not so nice). I didn't know this was a bad thing. I stupidly ate and became very sick. (Ran through me like water) Still to this day he insists we eat there occasionally but I avoid what makes me sick. (Anything they fry, including the chicken) My question? What do I do if he insists on going out immediatley post op? I know I will NOT be able to eat. How can I get him to understand? More importantly, how can I get him to listen? I don't know if he is doing this oturight, or subconsiously. He fears change, and I think he may try to sabotage my efforts.Any suggestions would be extremely welcomed. — candylnd24 (posted on May 13, 2003)
May 13, 2003
Remember, WE had surgery, HE didn't. My wife and parents brought Fast Food
into the hospital to eat, even while I was unable to eat at all the first
and second days. You know what? It didn't bother me one bit! Since then,
I have actually gone to Fast Food places to pick up my Wife's food on the
way home from work, and NOTHING for me (my food was waiting at home).
Bottom line... You can lead a Post-Op to Fast Food, but you can't make
him/her eat. Just eat before, or eat after, or even take your food with
you, and eat together. You may have other underlying marriage issues you
may want to look at, since they will probably get larger as you get
smaller.
— [Deactivated Member]
May 13, 2003
Just about every fast food place has a baked potato. In the early days.
those were my saving grace. It was the one thing I knew I could eat and it
wouldn't make me sick.
— koogy
May 13, 2003
Elizabeth: I'm a little surprised at YOU for not knowing the affects of
having your gallbladder removed. I'm also concerned that your doctor did
not inform you of the do's and dont's as far as your diet. Having said
that (and please, remember that this is about YOUR quality of life, not
his),
— Amy A.
May 13, 2003
Hi- I just wanted to say that I understand how your feeling! My husband was
never interested in this surgery, didn't want to hear about it, or learn
about it, he told me to just do whatever I wanted too. Meal time was
difficult in the begining, he and my girls eat whatever they want to with
no regards to me at all, it used to bug me, we even have an intire cubboard
dedicated to candy, cookies and treats! But ya know what, It doesn't bother
me at all anymore, I'm in charge of what goes into my mouth, not him! And
sometimes I like to think that he looks a fool stuffing all that crap down
his throat while I'm making good food choices and feeling WONDERFUL! I
think that as you lose weight you start to feel more in control of your
body (something I never felt at 300 lbs.) You get excited about it and
enjoy the control you have over yourself! Just remember, your doing this
for you! It's your time! Good Luck, you'll do great! Tambi- lap RNY
5/23/2002 -150lbs.
— Tambi B.
May 13, 2003
Please be careful about what you eat in the early days after surgery. This
is very important. Someone last month had surgery by my surgeon (who is
very informative to all patients) and on the way home she had her husband
stop and get her a hamburger. Needless to say she did not make it home
before having to go back to the hospital. In I.C.U. now for 1 month. This
is a tool and we must be educated about it and use it the way the doctor
advises. I'm not trying to scare you because I am 6 weeks out and have not
yet felt deprived. However, be smart! This is truly the best decision I
have ever made for myself. Good luck - I know you'll do GREAT!!
— Post O.
May 13, 2003
Once you leave the hospital, I would imagine your doctor will start you out
on clear liquids, then on a pureed foods (or full liquids) for at least a
couple of weeks, before you slowly graduate to (very safe, small amounts
of) real food. Even after that, lots of us have to sort of wait and see
how tolerant our pouches are for quite awhile, and are hesitant to try
anything new while out at a restaurant, for fear of getting sick. If he
insists that you accompany him to a fast-food joint (despite the option of
going through the drive-thru to get whatever he wants), you could just take
that as your chance to get some of your water in, and wait 'til you're home
to eat. Would I do it? Nope, but that prolly explains why I'm still
single. :~P Just please take good care of your pouch, and don't let anyone
pressure you into eating something you aren't ready for in those critical
early days and weeks!
— Suzy C.
May 13, 2003
My dear husband went grocery shopping when I was 4 weeks post-op and
presented me quite proudly with a box of Entemann's Cinnamon Buns (dripping
with icing) and a box of glazed donut holes. He's since brought me grape
and root beer sodas, buffalo wings, chinese food, oh and the same week I
got out of the hospital, he bought just for me, 3 packages of Lipton's
Alfredo Noodles. This man struggles to maintain 170 lbs. at 6' tall. Is he
trying to sabotage me, darn straight, he's scared I'll leave him for
someone else once I drop this weight. I told him if he doesn't stop buying
all these sweets and carbs I'm going to drop a something on his head. By
the way, I haven't touched any of the off-limit foods he has brought home!
— Lorna R.
May 13, 2003
I think that you have a bigger problem than what to eat when you go out.
You are right, you need to find a way to get him to listen to you explain
how this will affect you and your family and what kind of support you will
need from him afterward. I think you need to bring in some help. Do you
have a counslor, pastor, doctor or nutritionist who could meet with you and
your husband to facilitate a discussion? If he won't even devote an hour
to such a conversation, you simply have to be prepared to do this alone.
Which means, if he wants to go out post op, he can go out alone. I hate to
say it, but I think you have a painful road ahead of you if you can't get
some of his attention right away.
— Amber L.
May 13, 2003
My husband is also obese but not at all interested in WLS. We have dieted
together many times over the years and I always held out longer than him
but would eventually give in to temptation. I am not blaming him for this
but he never made it any easier. I had surgery in October and when I was
able to return to normal foods he subconciously, maybe, placed alot of
temptation in my face. It didn't take him long to see that I wasn't going
to give in, and now, since Christmas, he has been seriously dieting and has
lost 55#. He goes to the gym with me and works very hard at changing the
old habits. We have been married 35 years and with our new lifestyle, plan
to have many more years together.
— Tawnda C.
May 13, 2003
Is there any reason why your husband cannot go to Burger King or any other
fast food place with your girls without you? Why do you have to get him to
understand and to listen-just flat out tell him, you are not going, but he
is welcome to take the kids out to dinner-just eat it there and don't bring
it home. Period. Eventually you will be able to go to fast food places
with the family and order chili, or the baked potato or the grilled chicken
without the bun, or later on the salads. But as a new post-op, its in your
best interest not to go at all. My husband too was not too interested in
hearing about the surgery (he had watched me lose and gain on a dozen
different diets and didn't see this as any different-of course I would
fail). I am 15 months post-op now and I'm still not sure he thinks this is
forever! But he and I both are much happier with the results and hopefully
your husband will in time. What he does understand is that I am happier and
healthier-nuff said. Your husband can't sabotage you if you don't let him.
Stay strong.
— Cindy R.
May 13, 2003
your husband can't make you do anything or go anywhere. JUST SAY NO! maybe
he doesn't want to talk about it because he does already know alot about
wls and is afraid for you. and by talking about it or even thinking about
it he is afraid. my husband was acting really touchy, anything i said he
would jump down my throat. i had enough of it and ask him what was up. we
have been married 11 years and i know something was wrong with him, but i
had to drag it out of him. and guess what? he was afraid for me. worried
that something might go wrong. and after we talked he felt much better.
also of people get really excited and nervous when they are getting ready
to have wls...and it seems like that is the only thing they talk about.
maybe he is tried of hearing the same thing over and over. just my two
cents. remember you are an adult and make your own choices....he can't make
you do anything you really don't want to do.good luck
— franbvan
May 13, 2003
Elizabeth: Sounds like you're going to have to get a little tougher with
him. He can't make you do anything you don't want to, or know is bad for
you. Let him take the kids out by himself, while you relax and recup.
Once he sees you're not going to buckle under, things should be a lot
better. And really, he doesn't have to understand or listen. Your actions
will make the changes you need to have happen. Don't let him walk all over
you, sweetie! He's probably just scared that you'll change, get more
self-confidence, and maybe leave him. Once he realizes that is not your
plan, things should settle down. Good luck.
— Carlita
May 14, 2003
It does sound like he doesn't want ANYTHING to change. You know in your
heart that your life will change, for the better. You will have to be
strong and indepentant here. I would absolutly pass on going to any fast
food places. When you are eating solids and tolerating a variety of foods,
that would be the time to try going to a restaurant of YOUR choosing. If he
really likes fast food then he should go by himself or take the kids. He
should NOT insist that you go also. How do you get him to understand?
Stand your ground and say NO, I'M NOT GOING. It might take a few times of
doing this for him to get the message and if he grabs you, ties you up and
makes you go then you have a whole nother problem, nothing to do with wls.
Good luck to you. Be strong.
— mary ann T.
May 19, 2003
This is when you get to practice saying "no" ! If you're like
me, you probably find it hard to say "no" because it sounds rude.
So, I've developed my own way of saying "no" politely. I say
something like, "Oh, I wish I could, but I can't. Just go on without
me." Or sometimes, I'll just say, "Not right now. You go
ahead." Or I'll just smile and say "I can't" or "no,
thanks anyway." A smile goes a long way towards smoothing the path.
You don't need to get him to agree with your decisions. And you don't have
to mollify him. Just smile, like you do when a little kid tantrums, and
then do what you need to do. Hold your ground!
— Kathy J.
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