Question:
I haven't told my family and only a couple of friends, why?
My surgery is less than 2 weeks and I have not told my kids, my mother or brother. I have told a couple of friends only. I am not sure why I feel this way. I think I am ashamed I have to do something this drastic to lose weight. I know that is stupid. I want people to admire how much weight I will have lost and think wow she really has a lot of will power. I know I have to tell my kids, but I don't want to them to worry. Thought about telling the day after or so. — Gail O. (posted on March 30, 2003)
March 29, 2003
First WLS is NOTHING to be ashamed of!!!! You taking control of your life
and getting healthy! Now pre op telling some folks can bring out horror
stories and friends trying to save us! But theres NO HIDING a 100 pound
fast loss. Its there for everyone to see.<P> So do tell once your a
post op! If you dont people will gossip that you have cancer, aids or other
dreaded disease:( Frankly I am very pround of what we did, my wife Jen also
had WLS. Someone else may see or hear of your success and learn of surgery,
thus saving their life. Do attends support group meetings they help a lot!
— bob-haller
March 29, 2003
If you don't want to tell, don't tell. It's your personal medical decision
and YOU DO NOT OWE IT TO THE WORLD TO SHARE YOUR PRIVATE MEDICAL
INFORMATION. Keeping something private does NOT equal shame! I'm sooooo
tired of hearing that. If someone wants to shout their WLS story from the
rooftops and wear t-shirts and bore everyone they run into with their
story, good for them. That's their choice. But it's also your choice NOT to
tell, so don't feel any pressure to do so!
Secondly, I don't believe everyone is going to gossip about you having
cancer, AIDS, etc. Maybe some will. So what? At some point they'll realize
you don't when you're still alive and looking fabulous!
Lastly, be careful who you tell. If you don't tell now, you can always tell
later. But once you tell someone, you can never un-tell. Just something to
keep in mind!
— Angie M.
March 29, 2003
Let's face it, we are usually very ashamed as fat people. Ashamed at how we
look, at how people look at us, at the amounts of foods we can consume, at
how our clothes look and on and on. This surgery can erase ALL of that. If
you had anything else medically wrong and was getting help, such as heart
disease everyone would be supportive. Obesity is a disease also and you
have decided to take control of it so why feel ashamed? The other poster is
so very right about horror stories. For some reason everyone knows someone
that had this horric complication and on and on and usually it is someone
who heard it from someone else and the story has grown and had drama added
at every turn, so do watch out for those. When someone starts that with me
I say...I'd rather not hear about that since this surgery has come a long
way and it wasn't you that you are speaking of. You will need your family
and friends for support afterwards, but that doesn't mean you need to run
an ad in the paper. Don't be ashamed, be excited!! YOU are taking control
over something you have wanted control over for a long time!! Best of Luck!
I am down 45 lbs in 7 weeks!
— Peggy B.
March 29, 2003
Angie--You are so RIGHT ON!! Why do Americans feel the need to discuss
EVERY aspect of their life with everyone? Discretion has been removed from
our way of life! You can't have a loose bowel without mentioning it to a
co-worker--and I won't even begin to start on those who roll out of bed and
announce "I'm pregnant". Angie is right you can't untell. My
weight loss is certainly slow and so reflects a more sound diet regimen of
over 4 months--this has given me time to be more candid w/ those who
perhaps could benefit from WLS--and me to grow more comfortable in this
process. There is NO WAY I was going to spend my pre-op days being water
cooler fodder, and defending and explaining what I was doing to every Tom,
Dick, and Sally to satisfy their curiosity. I was put to sleep on a
"need to know" basis--my doctor, husband and only my mother
because I swear she's telepathic anyway--and I didn't want to cause her
undue worry. It's OK not to tell....I'm fine with all this now and don't
mind sharing--bur pre-op--no way. Too many distractions from the focus I
needed. Good Luck. P.S. I guess you can tell from my name just how much
I do regard my privacy!!!
— Wannabe A.
March 29, 2003
Hey there! There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. I will tell you
that I had those same thoughts when I first started to research the
surgery. Then I decided that ONLY I could make the final decision and have
to live with the final outcome etc. This was a long journey for me. I
researched this surgery for over 5 years. About 3 years ago I even went so
far as to fill out all of the necessary info then backed out! What was I
thinking. But everything happens for a reason. So in short YOU and ONLY
YOU should decide who to tell and when to tell them. To be honest (since I
am a blunt individual) who cares what others think. They are not living
your life and they may say "I know how you feel" but until they
live your life in your shoes they can't. You are blessed with the
opportunity to make your life better, healthier, more fulfilling. NO
SHAME! NO WORRIES! Just a lot of love and support from all of us here!
— Kitty Kat
March 29, 2003
I told my sister and brother a couple of months before my surgery. I also
discussed it with my boss at about that time. However, I waited until the
week before to tell my co-workers and a couple of close friends. I just
didn't want to hear a bunch of horror stories from people. You know, the
kind that go 'my mother's next door neighbor's cousin's wife's brother had
surgery and died'. I was worried about how my sister and brother would
react. They both said that they had seen me struggle with my weight all my
life and if that was what I needed to do, they were behind me. I had a
very long and rocky recovery and could not have done it without their help.
— garw
March 30, 2003
Personally, I side with Bob Haller on this issue. If you don't tell
people, they are going to speculate about it behind your back. An
interesting story...I went to see my primary in December for my quarterly
appointment. He knows that I had the surgery, yet I had lost so much
weight in the 3 months since I had seen him that he was concerned for my
well-being.
<p>
Just think about those people that haven't seen you in awhile, see you and
then walk away wondering how you've lost all of that weight. If they
didn't ask you about the weight loss, and you didn't tell them that you
were dieting and exercising, they are going to walk away thinking
"Geez, if he was proud of his weight loss, he would have been bragging
about it to me. So it must be due to something that he doesn't want to
talk about." So they are either going to speculate that you've got
cancer or AIDS or hep C or (maybe somewhere down the list) that you *did*
have weight loss surgery.
<p>
I'd much rather have them knowing the truth about me than speculating,
jumping to the wrong conclusions and spreading lies or innuendo about me.
But that's me. If others don't want to tell, then fine. But think about
the consequences of not telling too. And think about the reactions of
your family and friends if they do find out the truth and realized that you
didn't value your relationship with them enough to tell them the truth...JR
— John Rushton
March 30, 2003
Hello Gail! I know how you feel about not wanting to tell. People can
sometimes feel the desire to tell you tons of horror stories and you just
don't need to hear it. However, you shouldn't want to pretend to be
something you are not. Believe it or not this decision is a very brave one.
You have decided to do something that will change your life. You will have
to do the work to loose the weight with this surgery. There are people who
have WLS and went right back to eating the same way and their weight loss
was minimal. So yes you are having WLS so it will be a tool to help you
keep the weight off. Be proud with your decision and tell those who you are
comfortable telling by all means. I had Open RNY, Monday, March 24, 2003
and down 14lbs.
— Steph P.
March 30, 2003
I just wanted to add that besides having nothing to feel ashamed about,
although I do understand what you mean, I am still getting admired for all
the weight I lost. MY friends, family, family friends, even strangers if I
tell them about the surgery are in such awe of me that I lost 115lbs in 10
months (I started at 250#) And they do think I have alot of will power and
determination, just for the fact that I found something that could help me.
I think you will find the same. Goodluck to you!
— Lezlie Y.
March 30, 2003
Gail--I think that you should do what you feel comfortable doing. I have
told ONLY my hubby...that's it...no one else. I go back to work tomorrow
and plan to subtly let it be known that I am watching my food intake and
doing a high protein diet. I also plan to walk on my lunch break so I am
sure they will just let it be. My life does not have to be an open slate. I
am an associate professor at a major University and my life has never been
measured by my weight or looks...rather on my ability to do my job!! Do
what you want but don't be pressured into sharing.
— April S.
March 30, 2003
Ok here's my take on the willpower issue. The public thinks that losing
weight is just a matter of willpower to "push away from the
table" but it's not a simple as that. First off we have an appetite
hormone, Ghrelin, that induces hunger and another hormone, Pyy, that
signals fullness. If any of these hormones are off then we actually have a
tidal wave force to eat. Fat people have problems with these hormones and
have a much greater physical urge to eat and harder time to stop then
skinny people. Therefore we need much much more willpower then they do.
Here's my example:
<p> Say you like an occasional alcoholic drink now and then and your
favorited drink is an ice cold beer. You are sitting at a table across
from a hardcore alcoholic with an ice cold beer in the middle of the table.
Both of you are exerting your willpower to resist the beer.
<p>How much harder will the resistance be for the alcoholic, who has
this drive and impulse to drink. Same for fat people we have hormones that
rage telling us to eat and not only eat a bite or two but keep eating till
its there's nothing left. A study has found that Gastric Bypass patients
have a 70% drop in Ghrelin levels and because of this we are merely
converting to normalcy. We still have to exert willpower but the willpower
of normal people.
<p>References:
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2003/03/11/60II/main543614.shtml (from the
AMOS news page)
http://depts.washington.edu/mednews/vol6/no21/ghrelin.html
http://www.upmc.edu/obesitysurgery/monthlySupportGroup.htm
<p>Take Care, Be Well, Be Happy!
— John T.
March 30, 2003
I have told my husband, my grown children and my best friend (who also had
surgery) and that is IT. I was recently in the hospital for 10 days and
had to tell the medical personnel and even with hospital staff, the bypass
was way too much a topic of conversation for me. The reaction ranged from
disapproval to curiosity but there was WAY too much discussion about it for
my liking. I wanted to get a tee shirt that read "I am not my gastric
bypass". It really confirmed my decision not to tell everyone I
know.
I simply can't talk about it as much as others would like to. Others can.
I can't. Your mileage may vary.
I sometimes consider telling this friend or that friend, but then I think
of who they will tell (I'm not going to swear the entire inner circle to
secrecy, that's too much to ask of people) and I don't want to deal with
person x, three times removed from close friend y, asking questions or
making comments about it. I also don't want the whole world watching my
slow weight loss and judging it.
Somehow people who would never ask you how much weight you've lost on some
other diet will ask when you've had gastric bypass. People tend to be
"boundary-less" when it comes to gastric bypass. They ask all
sorts of questions without even checking to see if I'm comfortable
answering them. I don't know why, but that is how it seems to me. I don't
want to keep answering questions but especially "how much weight have
you lost?". I struggle enough with my own "fast enough/slow
enough" weight-centered issues. I also was told in the hospital that
I didn't look like a gastric bypass patient. What the hell does that mean?
I have zero tolerance for stupid comments.
I talk about it TOO MUCH for my own liking with my husband and best friend.
I'm not ashamed nor am I worried about what anyone will think, it's a
matter of my own saturation point and how quickly I get there. Other
people have much more tolerance for conversation and WLS questions than I
do. However, I would confide in someone obese who was struggling with the
idea and I would be a support person for people going through the process.
For "normies", however, my patience is limited.
— susanje
March 30, 2003
Gail, I know what you mean about feeling the shame that you had to have the
surgery. There are lots of people who think we are taking the easy way out
instead of using will power to get us there. I think all of us feel that a
little bit, but in truth, it is the hardest thing to do. Not only are we
subjecting ourselves to major surgery and all its complications and risks,
we are re-routing our intestines and having to learn a new way of eating
and taking vitamins and taking care of ourselves differently for life.
That is not easy. Think carefully before you tell anyone about your
surgery, especially if you don't want others to know. Once you tell
someone, you have no control over who they tell. I told my husband, sister
and a few close friends-that was it. At 3 months post-op, I told my
parents and the rest of the immediate family, but to this day, no one at
work. I'm a believer in trying to keep the personal and professional lives
separate and have successfully done so. You will get alot of positive
comments when you lose weight and when asked how you are doing it, I pretty
much tell the truth-high protein, small frequent meals, exercise and tons
of water.
— Cindy R.
March 30, 2003
I also have told only a few people. I've instructed the friends at work
what to tell people. If they're wondering why I'm away from work for a
week, "She's having some elective surgery that she'd prefer to keep
private." I'm assuming everyone will think it's female stuff and be
embarrassed to ask more. When people notice I'm losing weight, if they ask
about it: "Gee, I think she's eating less." This way my friends
won't have to lie but I keep things private. I may or may not tell people
after the surgery; I'm going to play it by ear.
— sjwilde
March 30, 2003
I have told 3 people, husband, sister and son. I think that the reason that
I have been so tight lipped is that I am a "light weight" (BMI
40) and I don't really want peopel telling me that I am not big enough,
that I am throwing in the towel to early, the list goes on and on. I have
opted to wait untill after surgery to tell anyone outside of my
family...and on that note I have some really judgemental and obese family
members that I don't want to tell untill it is over. It is a personal
choice, good luck.
— Sarah S.
March 31, 2003
I am very split on this issue. I think that it is something completely
personal and needs to be dealt with per individual. I have told
people...some I wish I hadn't. While 99% of what I'm hearing are words of
encouragement and support (I'm still pre-op), that 1% is really something.
What people won't say...sheesh.
I am more independent that I care to be (my family would say it's more
pig-headed) so I have flat out told everyone inexperienced with WLS to
consider if they are willing to learn anything about it. If not, they have
to stop from saying anything to me about it. If so, then we go from there.
My family (aside from my mom, but she's 'not all there') is looking
forward to me being the person I really am and used to be.
I do know someone who opted not to tell anyone about having WLS and instead
told them she was having 'female problems'. When I called her after she
returned to work and she was already rapidly losing, I asked if anyone
noticed. She said 'no' and it sounded as if she were hurt. I explained to
her then that they might think she's sick and be afraid to say anything. I
hadn't thought of that until then.
In that instance, yes...eventually others will realize you aren't sick and
probably figure things out on their own but just think of how many times
they wanted to compliment you (which we all know helps the self-esteem
and/or encourages) but didn't.
Good luck!!!
— Diane S.
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