Question:
How do you cope w/ no one noticing your weight loss?
I would like to hear some experiences/thoughts from those who, even after losing 70 or 80 pounds, were still very fat, and no one noticed your progress. I have lost 70 pounds since March (have not had surgery at this point) which is an almost unbelievable accomplishment for me. I still weigh 315, and no one who does not KNOW I am trying to lose weight has noticed. My co-workers who know I'm trying are very supportive and complimentary, "Oh, I can really tell a difference", they say, but people who don't know, including friends I don't see often, have absolutely nothing to say. I just got back from a New Year's Day lunch that included two women I haven't seen since April, and they didn't say a thing, or even blink twice. I know all they do is glance at my chins and my stomach and think, "Well there's Kim, still enormous." And I don't blame them; I still weigh over three hundred pounds. When I sit on a restaurant chair, you can no longer see the chair. But what has me crying my eyes out is how extraordinarily hard I've worked this year for this. As you all know, with surgery or with out, when you are trying to lose weight, you have to constantly think and plan and count and counsel yourself, etc, etc and it's all consuming. For the last 10 months of 2002, trying to lose weight has been with me every waking moment. So when, on the first day of 2003, someone looks at me blankly and says "What's new with you?" it makes me come home and cry. At this rate, given how weight loss slows over time, next Christmas I can expect to weigh about 250. Then people will begin asking, "You've lost weight, haven't you?" and I will be saying, "DO YA FREAKIN' THINK SO!?" and probably stab them with a fork. I would be interested to hear any thoughts you may have that you think would be helpful. — Kim A. (posted on January 1, 2003)
January 1, 2003
Hi Kim,
I know exactly what you are saying. I always tell myself that they
probably didn't notice how much I gained either!! It sounds like you are
doing great with your weight loss. I bet you can tell a big difference when
you look in the mirror!! Don't give up, you can do this!! You are doing
great just keep up the good work. Buy yourself a new outfit..I bet its
smaller than the last one..Good luck!!
— Sharon1964
January 1, 2003
Ahh most people are AFRAID to bring up folks weight. Most likely they
notice it but afraid to say anything. I brought it up myself, then most
folks were full of questions. Some if they dont know what you did may fear
you have cancer or aids. Better to tell people. How many non WLS people do
you know loose this much weight quickly? Most are seriously ill.
— bob-haller
January 1, 2003
I lost about 100 lbs and not ONE co-worker said BOO to me. Nothing. My
entire wardrobe changed, my hair changed, the loss of 100 lbs... NOTHING.
It's almost like I was invisible. You just learn to accept it. If they
are too stupid to notice, pity them for being stupid!
— Goldilauxx B.
January 1, 2003
Congratulations on your terrific weight loss. What an accomplishment! You
are justifiably proud of your hard work and success. Keep it up. I
certainly do understand how disappointing it is not to have all this
progress noticed. I have had the same problem and it bothered me too for
awhile. I believe that once people some make a judgement about others
(fat, tall, short, ugly, pretty, skinny, big boobs, big butt, no neck,
etc), they cease to look closely at those people and unless you shave your
head and tattoo something rude on your face, they don't even really see
you. On the other hand there are people who notice every little thing
about you. (One of my co-workers can tell from how my hair looks whether I
stopped at the gym on the way to work.) What I did was to ask myself if
the opinions and judgements of these people really mattered to me. If they
did, I spoke to them about it and asked them if they had noticed and why
they had not mentioned it. I got a variety of answers, there was no clear
pattern. I then let them know that their feedback was important to me and
would they please make a fuss over me, for me, when I accomplished
something noticeable. Most agreed and have followed through. I also
decided to 'cut' some people from my list of those whose opinions I care
about. They didn't really care about me and I don't need their feedback,
bad or good. I have also made a couple of new friends, people who I never
even knew at work who spoke to me about my loss (after 150 #'s). One of
those looks like she will become a great friend, the other will probably
end up on the 'cut' list. Making new friends is very hard for me and
allowing myself to get to know new people is tough. Feeling better about
my self is helping. Just remember that we are doing this for our own good,
not anybody else's. I am confident you will have success with your
program.
— Julia O.
January 1, 2003
Hey there Kim!!
You said that you have not told your friends you were trying to lose
weight..right? Well, there ya go! Maybe the people you are running into now
"do" actually notice, but are afraid to make a comment for fear
they might offend you... sort of "reverse psychology" here, but
maybe they think by saying something, you would think that they were
thinking you were heavy in the first place....does that make sense??
lol...Now "ME".....I work in an office of over 400 folks, and I
told everyone I knew that I was having this surgery!!! lol...That way, when
I go back to work next week, I will be getting positive affirmations from
my co-workers even if they "can't" tell yet that I am losing
weight!! HA!!! And, it's also a way for me to stay focused and be
accountable for what I eat, even at work!!If I were you...I would
"lead" them in.....start a conversation about the diet you have
been on and see what happens! Sometimes you have to let your friends know
it's "ok" to mention your weight! But...this is just one woman's
opinion!(smile) Love and light,
— medium
January 1, 2003
Im 6 months postop. I have noticed that the WOMEN at work do not say a
single word about my weight loss. The men at work talk amoungst
themselves, but they dont say much to me about it because they probably
dont want me to think they are flirting. This came up in my support group
last weekend too... so I guess its a common situation.
I guess the best way to look at it is to tell yourself that your weight is
not important to them as it is to you... and they arent noticing it because
they see you as a person... not as a fat person.
— Valerie H.
January 1, 2003
Are these friends overweight? Could be jealousy. Even if not overweight,
they could see you as a threat to the attention that they get now.
Congratulations on your weight loss!
— Yolanda J.
January 1, 2003
Thank you so much for your responses - every one has helped me to feel
better!
— Kim A.
January 1, 2003
I would have to agree with bob on this one, last oct. i ran into a bunch
of people that know me well, and they didnt say a word to me with almost 80
lbs. gone. Then I said something to them, and they all kinda gasp, and
said they thought I was sick. They would see me walking, but never said a
word. Tonight I just came back from my best friends house where her mom
was, and she said I dont want to keep saying how great you look, since you
think I'm not sincere. I told her to keep telling me, that I need that
compliment. Good luck, you know people are just fickle some times!!!
— paulsgirl
January 1, 2003
One suggestion - When you DO bring up your weight loss accomplishments to
your friends, bring a "before" picture so they can clearly see
the progress you've made. They may not remember precisely what your size
was the last time you saw them, and the picture will be a great reminder.
Your weight loss will be VERY noticeable then!
— thumpiez
January 1, 2003
I had an experience over the holidays similar to yours. I have lost 70
pounds since my surgery in July, and my parents had a party full of old
family friends...I haven't seen any of them when I wasn't huge. Anyhow, no
one said anything. Later...my mom revealed to me that people had commented
to my her how great I looked. Why not tell me? I don't know if people think
it may be rude to comment on your weight-even if it is a good comment.
Anyhow...people will notice as you lose more weight, I promise! Also, I
have found that people have a different image of what you look like in
their head and when they see you and you do not match up, sometimes they do
not know why you look different. I had a nose job many years ago and old
friends will stare right at my face and say they can't figure out why I
look so different.....Please don't let others discourage you, take pics of
yourself every couple of months and compare so YOU can see the difference.
— missmollyk
January 1, 2003
Put the fork down slowly. I think the same as a lot of other people. One
they might think you are sick and don't want to pry.
2. They might think you will take offense. Sometimes people have thin
skins. For example I never comment about a women being pregnant because SHE
MIGHT NOT BE.
3. And finally if they comment on how well you look now, what did you look
like before A cadillac!!
When I was down about your size and friends would not notice, I would say
Notice anything new? But then I am a bit of an egotist
Congrats on the weight loss
— snicklefritz
January 1, 2003
This gave me a giggle - not at your problem but at what I experienced as a
pre-op. All my friends who didn't see me often would ALWAYS comment when
they saw me "Wow, you've lost some weight, haven't you?" And
generally it would be safe to say I'd always GAINED, not lost. I think
that people who love us often don't see us as we are. I also agree with
other posters that they may worry about offending you so they say nothing.
Nowadays (since surgery) I don't give them a chance to not notice *haha* I
point out "Hey, I've lost 100 pounds! Whadda you think?" It's
great for my self-esteem. You could try it :>) And congrats on 70
hard-lost pounds!!!
— [Deactivated Member]
January 1, 2003
Kim - I am 6 months post-op, down 90+ pounds, and as I mentioned recently
on the message board, people are just now starting to say anything. My
guess is that they have hesitated to speak about it until they are
relatively sure I am not terminally ill or someting. Since I am usually
smiling these days, I think this gives them the green-light to
comment.<BR><BR>
On the other hand, there are those in my life (my own mother, for example)
who know me very well and have yet to comment on the
obvious.<BR><BR>
People are people, some will make you happy, some will make you miserable.
Gravitate toward the happiness distributors and leave the
non-support/negativity sowers in your dust.<BR>
<B>Onward and Upward...</B> -Lori (RNY 6/20/02, 308/217)
— [Deactivated Member]
January 1, 2003
Kim--you've done an awesome job at losing the weight over the year without
surgery--way to go! Dont let those people discourage you or make you
cry---you have us people here that have walked in your shoes and know how
you feel. Some people wont say anything--NOT because they havent noticed
but because they might be afraid to comment. Some people could be
jealous--you never know what is going on in other people's minds but dont
let it rain on your parade. YOU know what you've done and how hard you've
worked to achieve it. Reward yourself--go get a new pair of earrings or a
braclet or even some plastic forks so you dont seriously injure anyone!!!!!
Anyhow--know that you have support right here--and when you are at your
goal weight--just smile. That's all you need to do. God Bless :o)
— Bambi C.
January 1, 2003
I think you've gotten TONS of great info from all the previous posters. I
agree with all of it! I just had to tell you a funny thing that happened
to me yesterday. I am at goal weight and have been for over a year. My
husband and I went to an antique auction yesterday and ran into a couple we
hadn't seen in 3 years or so. The last time I saw the lady I weighed 250
and wore as size 24/26 and when I saw her yesterday I was in a size 8. She
glanced my way a couple of times so I asked her "Do you know who I
am?" I did this because a few people haven't recognized me and I
didn't want her to feel uncomfortable. Anyway, she says "Oh yes, I
know who you are - I just didn't recognize you since you got your hair
cut." I had that fleeting urge to be angry (maybe even stab her with
a fork?) but then I just laughed it off. In the whole time we talked she
NEVER once mentioned my weight loss. You're doing great and you will be
rewarded for it - I guess these are just the trials we have to bear. Don't
give up!!
— ronascott
January 1, 2003
Kim, All I have to say is Keep up the good work! If they don't say
anything, you should!!! Treat yourself like a queen. If other people
aren't willing to take notice (for whatever reason), I make them notice. I
relaized it was better this way and it kept people from taking some of the
joy in my accomplishmetns away from me!!! Shout it from the roof tops for
yourself!!!!
— Kelly L.
January 2, 2003
Sometimes people don't say anything because they might think they will
embarrass you if they are wrong, or they could be jealous that you are
losing weight, or don't want to say anything right now because there are
some idiot that think if they praise you too much you might stop. Soon
you'll be losing so much that they will have to say something. People who
have not seen me in a long time said "You look so nice, have you lost
weight, when I said a little (hehe, 120 pounds) they then say "Then
again you always looked so nice that it never really mattered.
I quess some people don't judge you on your weight , just your personality.
Cheer up , you're doing great, soon your weight lost will pick up, and
sometimes it good to lose slowly, less sagging skin.
— Rebe W.
January 2, 2003
Whenever anyone asks, "Have you lost weight?", I say, "Yes,
I have! Thank you for noticing! You just made me feel really good!"
People like to make others feel good, so I make sure I tell them how good
they make me feel, that way they keep doing it! I get people commenting all
the time now, since they know how much I like it. Maybe you just need to
ask for what you need! Be shameless!
— Angie M.
January 2, 2003
I know how you feel. I had to drop 100lbs before anyone noticed. I think
once you are beyond a certain weight people just see fat (the average size
person does not see a difference between 300lbs and 400lbs). When I had
this surgery my husband started eating better with me( he was about 70lbs
overweight and was 200lbs overweight). My husband had lost about 25lbs and
I had lost 85lbs when we went to a family function. Everyone raved about
how great my husband looked and no one had noticed my weight loss at all(
his family does not know I had surgery they are a very judgemental group so
I did't share). I'm now down 157lbs and everyone notices. I started at
332lbs and I had to get to about 220lbs before I got any comments. The
people who knew about my surgery said they noticed at about a 50lb loss
because they were looking for it. My suggestion would be to tell people
about you great weight loss and then maybe people will start to notice if
they are looking for a change. Hang in there you are doing great and
without having surgery we all know how hard that is . Don't allow anyone
to take away from your fantatic accomplishment. Good Luck.
— Alison N.
January 2, 2003
Here is my theory.. which may not amount to a hill of beans... but here
goes. The fatter you are the more surface area you have. The more surface
area the more weight you'll have to lose for it to be noticable. Example..
take a small watermellon and a huge one. Now lets say you can peel the
watermellon layer by layer and you peel a pound from each one. You'll
remove more layers from the small mellon than you would from the larger one
and therefore the weightloss on the smaller mellon would be more noticable.
<p>Ok you might not like the mellon example. Here's another one
based on mathematics. John weighs 400 pounds and Fred weights 200 pounds.
Each loses 50 pounds. Fred's appearance will be striking after losing 25%
of his body weight while John's won't be as noticable since he only lost
12.5% of his body weight.
<p>It doesn't matter so much how you look but how you feel. If
losing the 70 pounds has increased your quality of life and allow you to do
or feel better than carrying the weight then you've won. Think about it 70
pounds = 7 sacks of potatos or 1/2 of a Backstreet Boy !
<p> Take Care, Be Well, and Be Happy!
— John T.
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