Question:
I'm a guy and need friendship help.

I am two and a half months post-op and have lost 75 Lbs. And I think i'm also losing my best friend. I have been friends with him ever since grade school, 15 years. But ever since my surgery and subsequent weight loss things have began to drastically change. He seems funny when we hang out. He joined a gym and started to workout daily, he is not MO. It almost feels as if he's threatened by me losing the weight. I have always been the reserved one in our friendship, but know that I am losing weight my confidence level has gone up and I am more apt to try new things. Both our attitude changes have began to severely strain our friendship to the point where whenever I see him I tend to leave angered. I really value our friendship, but I am not going to go back to the way I was emotionally just to stay friends with him. From a guy standpoint can anyone give me some advice?    — P.J. H. (posted on November 25, 2002)

November 24, 2002
Im not a guy, but it seems like your friend is missing his old buddy. Im sure you have changed for the better, but your friend dont know the new you. Maybe you can sit down with him and have aheart to heart, let him know your the same person inside as you were prior to your surgery. Maybe explain to him now that you are losing you guys can do things together that maybe before surgery you were not comfortable. Dont leave angry be the better person show him your still his best friend. Hope this helps
   — Schatzie1

November 24, 2002
I hope that you and your friend will be able to work your problems out, but, the only way to work them out may be, to get them out in the open. If you and he fail to open up and discuss what might be going on, there can never be any resolution. Friends are sometimes more important to us than family. I have friends that I can talk to, about things, that I'd never be able to talk to a family member about.I strongly urge you to talk to him, he may be thinking the same things you are. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Good luck to you, on your journey and remember that we all, sometime, have to go through the bad to get to the good. Take care and Love yourself......Joy
   — joy S.

November 24, 2002
I too am not a guy, however I'm experiencing something very similar with one of my best friends. I have not had my surgery yet, just the fact that I have my date set has made my friend go diet crazy. She is overweight, nothing like me however, and now all of sudden she is walking everday, eating very healthy, and making comments about my surgery that I don't need or choose to hear. I think she also feels threatented by me losing weight in the near future. I can understand what she might feel like, but she has no clue what it feels like to be the fat one of 23 years. I feel like friends have the right to express their concearns about this, but they have to be supportive. I'm not getting the support so I think its time for me anyway to sever my ties. I'm not saying that is what you should do, but I know what it feels like to be fat, and how terrible you feel about yourself, and if your friends can't support you through this then my feeling are maybe it's time to move on! It's a big step but you have to do what you feel comfortable with. I commend your sucess with your weight loss! Good Luck with whatever you choose to do.
   — Carrie E.

November 24, 2002
Hey there, congratulations on the weight loss! My suggestion for you is, be who you are.. not who others want you to be. When I was MO, I suppressed me. I was afraid of what others may say about me, so I was the wallflower. As large as I was, I wanted to remain hidden in plain view. Now that I have lost the weight, I have gone from being in the wall, to being right out in the open. <p> See, my theory is, when we are MO, we dont want to feel. (At least some of us). We eat to not feel, to cover up those feelings. We avoid situations and confrontations for that very purpose. BUT now, post op, things are different. We are sort of forced to feel now. We are stripped of our vice, (food). And in time, slowly, we realize, HEY, feeling aint so bad afterall! We've learned to cope, handle and move on. We've changed for the better! We dont let people walk all over us anymore, or take advantage of us. We have a mind of our own, and we use it. However, there are a lot of people out there, some who say they are or were friends of ours, that don't like our transformation. THey've just lost the person, that they used to walk on, take advantage of, and use to make them feel better about themselves. They begin to resent them, claiming they changed for the worse after they lost the weight, when in reality, you have changed for the better for YOU, you have changed for the worse for THEM. But keep in mind, WHO did you have WLS for? You. Be You. The True you, and real friends will take notice, and BE real friends to you. The others will show who they REALLY are. Lots of love to you and congratulations again! WLS is a lot more than just losing weight. Our whole social structure has changed.. whether we wanted it to or not. Good luck to you! Annie :)
   — Annie R.

November 24, 2002
Sorry, I'm not male either, but, I know exactly how you feel. I too have lost a very close friend since losing 134 lbs., her reasoning is that she feels threatened by me. She says that her husband makes comments about how good I look, and she simply feels threatened. I know that my situation is a bit different, but thought you might be comforted in knowing your not alone (I know I was). I wish you the best of luck and hope all works out with your friend. Congrats on your great loss as well!
   — Chloe S.

November 24, 2002
Hi there.. I'm not a male either... but maybe your friend is starting to see you in a different light.. nothing is prettier than self confidence on a woman and it shows when your feeling good about yourself. Talk to him.. communicate!
   — rinkadinktx

November 25, 2002
It sounds as though your relationship was based on the old you. Since your weight loss (congratulations on the loss - you have me beat hands down!), your personality does change. For me, I was in pain quite a bit. Since the weight loss, I am virtually pain free and that makes a HUGE difference in the way you interact with all people, not just your friends. I would highly reccomend a heart-to-heart talk with your friend. I know that us guys don't go for that sort of thing as our lady friends often do, but if your friendship is as you say it is, I think your friend will understand. Your friend should be happy for you and excited that you have made a very positive change in your life. Always remember, even if every friend you have ever known turns away, God is and always will be there for you.
   — Charlie N.

November 25, 2002
I am a woman BUT have been going through that for 1 year. I had my surgery 6/11/01 and I lost alot of friends. The only people that talk to me now is the people I met AFTER I lost the weight. Everyone else says things behind my back or constantly pulling at their shirt if I am standing there trying to talk to them. I have never been happier because I am thin now. I really miss the friendships but if me being overweight made them more secure then I guess there never was a true friendship. I sure wish there was some gastric bypass people closer to where I live because we all could form a friendship and never be jelous of each other...
   — Lisa J.

November 25, 2002
I am a woman BUT have been going through that for 1 year. I had my surgery 6/11/01 and I lost alot of friends. The only people that talk to me now is the people I met AFTER I lost the weight. Everyone else says things behind my back or constantly pulling at their shirt if I am standing there trying to talk to them. I have never been happier because I am thin now. I really miss the friendships but if me being overweight made them more secure then I guess there never was a true friendship. I sure wish there was some gastric bypass people closer to where I live because we all could form a friendship and never be jelous of each other...
   — Lisa J.

November 25, 2002
Hi, I sure know how the friendship thing goes!!!! I lost EVERY friend I had while I was losing the weight.... I dont talk to anyone that I talked to before. They all look at me in horor.. I lost 100# and I think I look great, I have never been happier.. I really miss the fake friendships as I call them now. I really I wish I could hook up with someone in my area just to talk to and have someone accually understand me and what we have been through. That would be great. You really find out who your friends are. I have new friends because they have only known me as thin, when I tell them I was obese they say ya right... The best friends that we could have is eachother and we dont even have to be jealous of each other...
   — Lisa J.

November 25, 2002
Friendships are always being redefined when a big change hits you, whether it be a big weight loss or a marriage, or a new baby or a big move across the country. Some friendships can weather the changes easily and the experiences make the friendship stronger and then other friendships were not strong enough. Sit down and talk to you friend. Chances are, he's feeling the same way as you.
   — thumpiez

November 25, 2002
First, Congrats on your weightloss so far. I am 3 months out and am down 90 lbs. Feels great don't it? I kind of relate in a different way to your dilema. Most of my friends are all big guys, and they have all been very supportive of my choice to have surgery, and of my weightloss. The person who couldn't handle it was my partner. Our relationship WAS based partly on my size, but a comment he also made was that I had become more arguemenitive as I lost the weight. I took a good look at this, and decided that I wasn't becoming more arguemenitive, I was becoming less of a door mat. Might be the reason we aren't together anymore. As you lose weight, you self-esteem has to be getting better. As your self-esteem increases, you are probably acerting yourself more. This in itself could change the whole dynamics of your friendship. My advice to you is to have a talk with your friend. Tell him what you are seeing, and see what the problem is. You have been friends for a long time, it is worth the effort. Good luck.
   — Ken M.

November 25, 2002
Boy, you sure are getting a lot of answers from "chicks" and here's one more!! The last time I lost a bunch of weight, I had the same issue you are having. My friend was thin, attractive and always got all the attention. I was the reclusive one, the "funny" one. When I lost the weight, all of the sudden I started getting attention also, and my friend did not like it one bit. We sat down and had a heart to heart and she basically admitted to me that the reason we were friends for so long is that she was insecure and I made her look good! So, needless to say, she did not need me anymore and that friendship fizzled. She was not even HAPPY that I lost the weight, she was more angry that she lost her "ability to look good"....go figure. You need to sit down and really have an open and honest discussion about both your feelings to determine whether this is a friendship you are going to continue. Maybe you can help your friend work through his issues. Best of luck to you. Renee D
   — Renee D.

November 25, 2002
I have gone though the same thing with some of my friends, You see , without sounding vain, I am the prettiest, this is what they know and always said but wasn't threatening because I was the fattest so they felt no one would notice me and no one did. Even their boyfriends and husband would tell them how pretty I was but they couldn't introduce me to their friends because they don't like big women(mean huh) anyway now that I lost so much weight and looking pretty good I might add, they don't call me or want to hang out anymore. It's their lost, I've stopped even trying, I know I haven't changed but now they feel threaten and I must admit it do feel good for a change, I went home a many night crying myself to sleep because they always got the dances and no one ever asked me. The only friend who still treat me the same is my childhood best friend, we've been though stick and thin and she is truly my friend, the rest I quess wasn't. Maybe you should sit down and talk to him and let him know how you feel, Tell him that you want him in your life but he has to let you be you (his friend, thou fat or thin, you're still his friend.) If however he don't change, well then you'll know that he wasn't a friend after all. Maybe now he feel threaten that you'll get all the attention and the girls God bless
   — Rebe W.

November 25, 2002
I am not sure that I can offer any advice to you but I feel that I am going through some of the same things you are. I have a friend that is going to have surgery soon. I had mine in July and since then I find myself more out going but more-so I find that I say "NO" more often. Meaning that this friend of mine leaches everything out of me and for so long I have let her do that. Now that I have become more confident and have told her no on so many issues like when she comes asking me for more "favors" then she doesn't come around so much anymore. I am now seeing that she is a "what can you do for me today" kinda person. It is so sad that people treat others the way they do. For so long I would have done absolutely anything for her but now I do more for me.
   — DRutherford

November 26, 2002
Well I'm sorry that your friend is treating you like that. But it's sad to say this is one of those things where you can find out who your real friends are. I have one good friend who is behind me all the way and I know she'll be happy for me with my success. I have another friend who I thought was a true friend. Throughout the years she has hounded me about my weight telling me I need to lose weight. When I ate things making little nasty comments about it. So you would think that when I decided to do this she would be all for it. No. She has tried to put so many doubts in my mind about it and now all of a sudden she has gone on a weight loss program(happy being fat before). Jealousy is an ugly thing. At least you know where you stand with your friend. Keep him as an associate but realize your limitations with this friendship.
   — Kimmie C.

November 26, 2002
Hi P.J., Well, I am in AZ too and I'm a guy that can relate. I found at first my family was very supportive to me. Then I lost my 1st hundred pounds. People were proud but didn't say much. Now, I am down over a 170 pounds. This has made some people weird. For example, my brother says that there is no way I can be thinner then he is. Now he is dieting. I just explained to him that I had surgery to do this and he shouldn't compare us. We are not in the same situation. Anyway, I agree with the previous poster, you should talk to your friend and let him know how you feel. Don't let him find changes in you that aren't there. I know my family is looking for a negative change and point out everything. If you want to e-mail me we can talk more. [email protected]. Good luck!
   — ningrahm

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