Question:
How do you deal w/fear of success?

I know that one of the reasons *I* am MO is that I am terrified to be thin. But most of what I see posted on this site is 'Woo-Hoo!80 pounds in 5 months!' or whatever. People say they've been fat ALL their lives, but these same people don't say - "I'm so frightened of this change and what it will bring, I'm eating extra calories; I'm sabotaging myself." How do you avoid this? Is it the act of having WLS itself? (I have not had WLS.) I notice that a very, very high percentage of folks are married or have kids or both. So maybe you weren't using fat to avoid intimacy/committment, and so your fear of change is less. Or is this just an issue no one talks about? I know everyone stays the same INSIDE; but is everyone at peace with the total, radical change of their being-in-the-world? Even the most positive change can be very scary for the average human.I have a good psychotherapist, but maybe you know something to tell me that she doesn't. Thanks.    — Kim A. (posted on November 5, 2002)

November 5, 2002
kim, please read my profile, as I do mention this exact thing. Now, 2.5 years after having had surgery, I find that in my normal everyday life, like in trying to graduate with my master's degree, I am terribly afraid of failure, yet I somehow want to sabatage myself. Is it because I feel liKe i do not deserve to have successes in my life? I don't know. Is it because it would be so wierd to have a "normal" kind of life, instead of being criticized, looked down upon, made fun of, by other's? maybe. It is hard to say, but I would be that a high number of people here feel the same way.
   — twenc

November 5, 2002
Thank you for being so honest. I am sure a lot of people feel this way and really dont know that is what they are feeling. they are just doing the worst to themselves and dont know why. Good luck on your road. and I know that I will be sure to remember your word and deal w/ them. shannon
   — shannon M.

November 5, 2002
I think it is safe to say that the majority of people that have WLS do so because they have been searching FOR that change. They have worked their entire lives trying to acheive it, and failed. The person that is going to sabotage themselves isn't really going to persue surgery, I would think because they are not really seeking the change. WLS is almost a slam dunk guaranteed weightloss method, but it is a tool. If you don't wanna use it, it wont work. Just like if you don't use a shovel, you wont dig the hole. you must understand this from the very beginning, and be willing to commit hole-heartedly.I would hope that if you, or someone that you know, is planning on this surgery that they make sure THEY are the ones that want it. If you look on this site you can find many, many, people that have done this surgery without any support from friends or family. They did it because THEY wanted it. THEY wanted the change. THEY were fed up with life passing them by , and not being able to be a part of it. To me, it really sounds like there are deeper issues there than beeing afraid to join the thin world. I'm sorry, I cannot possible conceive of being afraid to be thin. The thin world is the "normal" world, and most of us just want to be like everyone else, Not have people point us out, or say embarrassing things to, or about us. I hope that you put more thought and research into this before you go through it, and make sure it is something YOU want for YOURSELF, and not for some other reason. If you are truly HAPPY being big, and don't mind missing all the things in life that you are missing, and you don't mind all the health problems and risks associated with it, and dying sooner than you need to, by all means avoid the thin life, this isn't for you. Bottom line you only want to do this if it is going to make YOU happier. I hope you enjoy your decision and GOOD LUCK!!!
   — dkinson

November 5, 2002
Kim- I don't have an answer for you, but I think maybe you need to try to figure out the root of this problem. Why are you scared? Do you know why? When did this start? I love losing weight, and feeling better about myself...but I will be honest...I am starting to get a lot of attention from the opposite sex, and I both like it and am scared to death of it! I am married, so that keeps me pretty safe...but I still do not know how to react when some man comes up to me and flirts with me. I must look like a blushing 13 year old! I also am a little scared that I will no longer have my weight as an excuse. You know...I didnt get that job because they thought I was fat...I didnt get invited to that party because I am fat...I would have more friends and more fun if I were thin...etc.etc.etc. I am sure I am not the only one who has done this. When I become thin, and someone doesn't like me...I will know it is because they just dont like ME! That is a little tougher to take I think. I think it is something that we have to take in stride. Even with wls, the weight doesnt come off overnight. We are given at least a little time to adjust. I finally look at it this way: I did it for ME. And, I did it to save my life. I dont need to hide behind the fat anymore. I can handle someone not liking me or not getting a job even if I am skinny. GOOD LUCK! (open RNY 7/23/02 -82 lbs)
   — Shawnie S.

November 5, 2002

   — Christie S.

November 5, 2002
Hi Kim- I am wondering if you have read many profiles? I am married with kids and also totally scared. I have found that you get more intimate details in the profiles than you might on the message boards. I also think that losing weight so quickly maybe gets you caught up in what is happening at the moment and the emotional stuff, if it is there, might catch up later. I would be more than happy to share my neurotic fears with others because I think it is a way to open up great WLS conversations as well as good thought provoking stuff. One of my fears is that i will be hateful after i lose weight! i know people will treat me better and wonder if i will enjoy it (i am sure i will) or will I be totally resentful?(i am sure there will be a bit of that too) My fat is a total insulator from the world around me. I have a feeling that although it has kept me "safe" it has also kept many wonderful experiences out of my reach. For me maybe 2 years ago i was not ready to do this but now i am because i am actually doing it for myself ONLY!!! previously i would have made this decision out of some bad place like shame or self loathing. Now i am just simply ready to get my life back. I truly believe asking these question pre WLS is very smart because as "they " say it is only a tool and one i think you really need to love yourself enough to use. I am a very critical self anylizer and so the last thing i have to say is go easy on yourself. Each one of us deserves to be happy!!! unless you are the guy who invented snack sized snickers!!!! hee hee seriously though you can go to my page and email if you want to talk more.
   — Carol S.

November 5, 2002
You asked if maybe someone knows something to tell you that your therapist doesn't... I don't know what she tells you. Hiding behind layers of fat, hummm. She ever had a weight problem? Not that you have to jump off a building to know that you could die if you do jump. I read your profile, and you don't think weight loss surgery is for you. Maybe it isn't, at this time anyway. You also want to know if you could get support on this site if people knew you weren't looking toward the surgery as a solution. Obesity is what links the folks on this site, in some way. I can only speak for myself...If I am hearing you correctly... You are actually dieting trying to lose the pounds, and have come to the conclusion that you are deliberately failing so you won't have to face your fear head on? It's nice to give something an identity, but it doesn't cure the symptoms. Was a case plan began to help you overcome your fear? What came first, the extra weight, or the fear of intimacy. What caused the fear of intimacy to begin with? (Psychology 101)I'd try a little, what if, role-playing, what is the worse case scenario if you did lose 100 lbs, would it kill you? Then reverse the last question and play it that way. Play devil's advocate with yourself. It could get rough, but should get the juices flowing. Best Wishes!
   — Tricia J.

November 6, 2002
First of all, congrats on the weight loss. I am one of those who has been obese my whole life, and was strongly opposed to WLS. For me, overeating was not so much an act of sabotage to prevent intimacy, but more of a punishment when I failed at intimacy. How do I avoid this? Like you, before surgery, I began to see a therapist to help me identify & sort out my behaviors. Although I am a newly post-op, people are already looking at me differently. Does this bother me, since I am the same on the inside? Absolutely. Unfortunately, I can't change others, but the weight loss is slowly giving me the confidence to change myself, my behavior & thought patterns. Yes, change brings about the fear of the unknown. But instead of focusing on the fear, I focus on the other positive things around me, thereby slowly crowding out, and eventually eliminating the fear. "Hang on tightly, let go lightly." Life, for all of us, goes on, WLS, diet or obesity. In any spectrum, it boils down to our choices and attitudes. I think its great that you're using this site as an aid & wish you success.
   — Rebekah B.